From my inbox…

Brace yourselves… While this may be fun, it might hurt a little…

Seriously. He picked me up in his truck and looked NOTHING like his picture. I was all “You don’t look like your picture.” And he was all “It’s because I put vaseline on the camera lens.”

Ladies, this hot commodity won’t last long. He lists his age as 60, but don’t let that deter you! Look! He wears cool sneaks! Plus, he clearly is living in what can only be considered a luxury apartment complex. Check out that lean. He looks playful, no?

s-s-s-s-s-s-Santa…? Is that you? Wearing a red shirt… And a beard… And, um… Are you in your workshop??

Oh dear God, Santa! What is Ms. Claus gonna say? You’re naked in your workshop??? Well, I guess it’s hardly considered naked when it looks like you’re wearing a fur suit still.

Hi. My name is “Really Ridiculously Tall Man.” I am the love child of Shaquille O’Neal and a Klingon princess.

(Did you know that Mozilla spell check recognizes Klingon as a word? LOL! But you have to capitalize it… Ok… Sorry… Back to work!)

Mmm! MMM! There is nothing hotter than a guy who looks like he bought all his clothes from the same store… Hip hop uniform. SEXY! And, get this… Dude has Bacardi AND Beer! HOLLA!

Eeek! This guy just looks creepy. I don’t want to make too much fun because I’m afraid he’ll turn his head towards me and climb through my computer screen and chop me up into itty bitty bits. But, I can’t help it… Just one little dig… Ok? Dude’s cigarette is so totally lit and he’s still holding a lit lighter up to it? I almost believed this was a sincere candid shot, but he’s just one of those online posers!

Wh-? Huh? Did I…? No… This isn’t the gay personals page… This dude really does look like a baby fag, no? (And before you all go jumping my shit for using the term “baby fag”: For your information, I learned the term from a very dear lesbian friend of mine. It’s endearing, lol). This guy had more pictures that I’m sure I’ll post again soon, but I want to save them and keep them up my sleeve for a rainy day when I don’t have any prospects for the blog.

What? Are you for real? Seriously. Dude. Ok, first of all, you’re wearing a wedding ring. Niiiice. Secondly, where are your clothes?? I do think the champagne flutes and styrofoam plates are a nice combo… And holy hell, that is a plethora of condiments there buddy.

Add this to the “kind of scared me” category… Dude has tchotchkes… And is that a picture of his mother? grandmother? Like, woah, man.

I am terribly disappointed that this one came out so small, and I considered deleting it, but it’s like throwing away the pizza crust… It’s still food! I don’t want to be wasteful! This dude’s head is lopsided and he has breasts. Yet, he still thought it would be a good idea to take a topless picture. The kicker? He had four pictures on his page and three of them were just like this. Gag!

Grandpa? Is that you?

Seriously. This looks like a fat version of my ex-father in law. Seriously. I had to double take to make sure…

Awwww… Did your mom buy you that suit for Christmas? Did she shriek “YOU HAVE TO GO PUT THAT ON!” as you scurried down the narrow hallway in your trailer? Brown suits are classic, but I’m thinking you could stand to unbutton it a bit. Might make you look less stiff. This guy said he was 26. I don’t believe that for a second! Hey, could you hand me my walker? I need to go barf.

Nice picture, dude. The caption read, “This is me, hanging out in my room.” Really? This is your bedroom? Are you sure it’s not your living room? Ohh! I see… You don’t want to hang the half-naked pull outs from the car magazines in the living room, so you HANG THEM IN YOUR ROOM. Makes perfect sense. Maybe I should start hanging pictures of these guys in my room…

Bad ass. Seriously. That’s it. I would just pat this guy on the back, if he would only stop looking at my page. He and Santa keep looking at my page. Don’t you guys know I can see who has looked at me??

Does it matter which one the guy is? Really? I’m partial to the hottie in the leather pants, myself…

Maybe next time, go have yourself a nice poop before you snap your picture… I dunno… It might wipe that “I’m constipated” look off your mug. AND FOR GOD SAKES! PUT A SHIRT ON!

Aside: I do like a man with a solid chest… I love pecs and abs and the whole deal… I don’t even mind chest hair, really, in moderation. But I cannot stand it when guys put up pictures of themselves without a shirt on! When I see these guys, I just delete them. I usually don’t even look. This poor dude’s face though… I just want to give him a hug

This guy is giving you the thumbs up ladies! Don’t waste time!

Um…. Maybe this picture is supposed to suggest he’s a fun guy, with a quirky sense of humor… Or maybe it’s just really intelligent humor that’s over my head… I’ll throw him a bone and give him that one…

Ahhh, you’ve reached the end. Did you have fun? I have been holding this in for weeks, trying to find time to set up the blog and post and everything… Check back for more updates, though I’m sure they won’t be nearly as long as this one…

From The Vault