I’m moving to Austin

It’s official. I have found my intellectual equal. I have found a man who is as gross and inappropriate as me. I have a crush on Mister Awesome and I’ve never even seen his picture!

Got this reply tonight…

First of all your reply (below) was very clever and very good. Many smiles on this end as well.

Yes, I agree. I did really enjoy the pants sodomizing. I’ve thought about that one a few times today. Once just while going to do laundry. Cracks me up. It’s pushing the limits though of some people’s humor threshold. And on that threshold note, I also enjoyed my “I’m the coming attraction.” which follows up on explaining why the movie theater floors are always sticky. This I found very very good because it leaves it opened ended. Are they sticky because of me? Or are they sticky because of every single person in the audience? Either way it borders on extraordinarily gross and erotic at the same time. Which way did you take it?

As for getting laid, since this reply is a downward spiral of filth and fantasm, I enjoy sex sure, but really I am a nice guy and if I think the relationship has potential to go places I like to save it for when the time is right and hopefully it becomes something great. If the girl is not really long term material, well unfortunately, yes, I admit it, I partake a little of the Pink Taco Cabana Taco. But I will say I haven’t really ever taken things to the European extreme. I’m not even all together sure what that even is, and youtube frightens my cat, so I can’t go to check it out anyway!

I have been working on a project for about 6 months. It’s supposed to be the ultimate Craig’s List Ad. It’s saved in Gmail and I add to it all the time (all though not in the last month or two) but I’ll come up with funny one liners for what I look for in a woman, or this or that sort of relating to my likes and dislikes. Hopefully you will get on board. My initial idea was to make every one of them worth 1 point (100 pt test) and you add up your points as you go, like a purity test, haha. Then at the end you submit your score and I if you rate high enough I pick you to date.

A few examples are :

You enjoy saying “Cheese” and “Goose” in the same sentence.
You dig or have dug the game Digdug in the 80′s.
You are on the fence about date rape until you’ve tried it.
You want to find out who’s behind the mustache before the mustache ON YOU! :O
If you could snap your fingers and have Alex Trebek pantsed, you would.
If it’s dried, you like it!! (i.e. Apricots, Dates, Banana Chips, Raisins, Larry King etc.)
Port-o-potties in general make you giggle until you desperately need one.
You aren’t opposed to sweet nothings that are, on occasion, bitter somethings.
You’ve contemplated eating the wrappers when all of the Fruit Stripes gum is gone.
You will kill on sight anyone that says, “You rock my socks.”
If your heart goes pitter patter around me, you go to the emergency room.
You’ve googled “I’m in love with Bob Costas” on more than one occasion.
You want to sleep with David Gahan from Depeche Mode, and don’t mind if I do too.
You don’t like to talk about bowel movements so you tell your friends, “I sweat it out.”
You love kids, but enjoy giving them back when you’re done. (I know you have kids Jami, present company excluded)
You think the best Starbursts are the red ones! No exceptions!!!
You have no mention of being a cowgirl on your Myspace page.
You Think 50 Cent should pay YOU 50 cents every time you hear him.
Turtlenecks make you erotically angry!
Any teeth you have missing are towards the back.
You don’t partake of alcohol that often and like the idea of your friend’s kidneys failing before yours.
You enjoy integrating “Monkey” into casual conversations.
You Haven’t completed more than three 10 step programs.

So there are a few good ones. The ones that made me laugh (since I haven’t read these in a while) were “sweat it out”, that’s a line I came up with (or at least never heard anyone say it in that context), Mustache on you, Larry King.

Any good?

The other idea I had was I would stagger them. I’d have one funny one, and then one real one (something I actually want in a girl) such as :

You enjoy water but find an enamoring laugh more refreshing.
You have great fashion sense without trying, and your friends think so too.
Your idea of working out isn’t walking from your dwelling to your car.
You have a gorgeous smile and love to use it.
You love waking up together both looking your worst.
You’re an animal lover, but don’t love stinky animals.
You enjoy sleeping in on a Saturday with the gentle sound of rain drops and arms wrapped tightly around you.
You have smooth legs 90% of the time.

There are many more. Some sorta funny, but most real.

Wow this email has taken a while to do all this research and correct spellings and grammar and tweak this and that. You almost feel like another project. You have such high expectations!!!

But I can pull it off because I’m,…………………… Good Eats!!!! (sike)

….because I’m,….

-Mister Awesome!