So Craigslist Atlanta was slow this morning… I had this thought, maybe I can hit spots around the globe, trekking for douche bags. That’d be fun, right?
So, join me! Let’s hop a jet to New York City where I came upon this guy:
TOP TEN THINGS WRONG WITH ME – 30 (Commack)
Top Ten Things Wrong With Me:
1. I have a large collection of very sharp knives, and I’m quite adept at using them. I also own an antique meat grinder. While I got most of this stuff for dead hooker disposal, I use it from time to time to cook fabulous meals. Even knife-wielding psychos have to eat.
2. I want to date someone younger than I am. This makes me sound like a pedophile. It sounds like I drive a big panel van and wear too much bad cologne and smile inappropriately when ladies come near. None of that is true. Girls my age are just uptight. And all the boys in the 20-25 age group are…fucking losers. So I figure we can help each other out. Want some candy?
3. I don’t actually have any candy. But if that’s a dealbreaker for you, just let me know and I’ll bring some on the first date. I’m thinking lollipops.
4. I have my shit together. That may sound like a good thing, but I assure you it isn’t. Women seem to prefer men who still live with Mom and Dad, don’t own a car, and can’t pay for dinner occasionally. It’s true! All the girls, especially the hot chicks, seem to dig the people who couldn’t organize a field trip for retards with a gun to their heads. They’re just too busy ‘keeping it real’. Warning: I don’t keep it real. I keep it practical. You should too.
5. I don’t do guy stuff. I hate sports, can’t fix a car, prefer to drink at home, and I don’t talk about your breasts when you leave the room. The ass, maybe. Instead I’m into food and wine, art, literature, history, politics (Shit, I sound like a catalog of courses at SCCC). I’ll admit to being dorky and nerdlike, but not pocket protector levels.
6. I’m not tall enough. You know how all guys claim to be 6’1″? You know how none of them are? I’m one of the few who is. And when I’m wearing shoes and standing up straight (rare) I’m closer to 6’2″. Sure, I’m built more like Homer Simpson than Michael Phelps, but another couple inches and you wouldn’t notice.
7. I won’t pay your bills. If I did, I couldn’t pay my bills. And my “Stinky Cheese of the Month Club” membership is much more important to me than your cell phone bill. And yes, this will still be true no matter how fantastic and inventive you are in bed.
8. I insist the first date be in a public place. I’m just as scared of you as you are of me. Let’s keep the sudden movements to a minimum, too. Remember the knives.
9. My right ankle cracks when I’m not wearing shoes. Every third step or so, a big fat CRACK. I’m barefoot a lot, so it’s noticeable. I’ve had it all my life. Isn’t that creepy?
10. I am a cynical and jaded MF, if I do say so myself. I’m the type that makes fun of, rather than participates in. Looking for a lot of sarcastic banter, in an independent, easy-on-the-eyes package. If it might be you, drop me a line. You’ll love my van.
Another nomination from me for the Best of Craigslist!
