Rate This Professor

Thanks again to Kelly… I may have to bring her on as a co-contributor… She’s finding all kinds of stuff in the Boston area…

Maybe I can get someone from the west coast, too… And maybe someone from the midwest…

Sorry… Thinking out loud here. Back to the post!

This one is a little bit long, but so clever! I hope he finds a date!

Dating your professor is hard. Dating THIS professor is easy! – 41 (Cambridge)

Many of my female friends have told me that they dated a professor at some point in their educations, and that it was a valuable experience for them. In this day and age, however, such arrangements are difficult. Administrators, department heads, ombudspeople, codes of conduct, and a wealth of disciplinary committees work to thwart what should be a common and mutually rewarding circumstance.

The smart solution, of course, is to date someone else’s professor / student. But what are you supposed to do -– cross-register at random? And what am I supposed to do — by the time I get a sabbatical I’ll be too old to care.

It’s intuitively obvious (see, isn’t this going to be fun?!) that Craig’s list offers the perfect solution. You have a number of questions, so let’s get to them.

Are you really a professor?
Yep. Ivy-educated, bedoctored, tenure-tracking professor of the social sciences.

How can I be sure?
Read on, and see if you’re not reminded of the way your faculty write and speak.

Do you drive one of those 14 year-old Volvos with “Visualize Whirled Peas” bumper stickers?
No, that’s one cliche I decided to escape.

I’m done with school. Am I ineligible?
If you still want to date a professor, you’re not really done with school, are you?

Can you help me with my term paper / dissertation?
I keep a red pen with me at all times.

And can you help me understand what my sociology prof means when he makes up verbs like ‘legitimate’ and talks about how everything is socially constructed?
Sorry, I’m no miracle worker.

As a wage slave / grad student / grad student moonlighting as an exotic dancer I’m available only at night / during the day / when there’s no convention in town. Is this a problem?
Absolutely not. My schedule is so open that the days blend together and run away like wild horses over the hills. In short, I can get away.

Can we roleplay the office hours visit?
Believe me, we’re BOTH unhappy about how those visits normally go. By all means, let’s put together a different script.

Most of my professors are/were pasty, paunchy, unaware that dress pants and sneakers are a poor combination, and generally pretty haggard. Are you?
See above answer to Volvo question.

Most of them also talked like they were from a different generation AND a different planet. Do you?
No way! I’m Rick James, bitch!

You’re kidding, right?
If you say so.

What will we do together?
Start with the NYT crossword puzzle — the SATURDAY puzzle, not the punk Sunday one. Then stroll through the Arboretum reading all the informative placards. Then after I do forward citation checks on my papers to see if anyone new has referenced them and Google myself we’ll head to dinner, where I’ll inquire at length about the restaurant’s single vineyard cabs and sheep’s milk cheeses. Interspersed with all this we’ll talk about subjects of common interest like unfair teaching loads and how all the prestigious journals have evidently been taken over by editors with tin ears for real research.

What’s the next step?
Pretend like you just got a midterm back that was unfairly graded, get in touch, and make your case. Much extra credit awarded for pictures.