Oh Philadelphia… I love you.

Thanks to Tara in Philadelphia for pulling these out of the dark holes of her local Craigslist.

I KNOW THERE IS A GOOD WOMAN OUT THERE – 29 (PHILA)

Hi my name is Rico, almost 6′1, no kids and looking too get too know a woman that deisres a serious relationship. If interested and want to find out more about me email me a fullbody pic. Please no chest pics! I will get back at you.

Sincerely: Rico

Ok, so Rico [rolling my eyes - nobody names their child RICO!], you want a full body picture with no chest? Shall I hold a giant cauldron of bullshit in front of my rack? But no, I get it… I mean, I think we’ve all had just about enough chest (thanks to you) to last us a good while.

******RICH N*G#A****** – 25 (Philadelphia)

A lot of people respond with the dumbest comments I’ve ever heard, but I LOVE ME and you should LOVE YOU!!!

I’m a business! Where ever I go, I get MONEY! Not to be arrogant but I get sh#t done! I’m a nasty N*g#a! Who in my status can fu*k with me? Not many!!!

I’m not Jay-z but I’m still YOUNG! My Manifestations are major! My Will is done! I KNOW GOD! Extremely Confident, I never second guest my self!

Who are you? Are you on this Level? Can you Manifest Reality? Do you Know God? If so, You Can Leave a Message! If Not, Don’t waste My Motha Fu*king TIME!!!

Peace!

Dude. WTF. For real? You’re a business? Apparently, a business with a PG rating because I’ve never seen a heavier lean on Home Alone-style cussing. Fuck that n*o!se. Oh damn. I fucked that up, didn’t I?

Looking for a LTR – 49 (West Mont/Del Co/CC)

Now out of a long term relationship. Looking for one good person to be with.

I am a s(w)m, 5′7″ nice looking, slim, non smoker, vegetarian(you don’t have to be), personable, socialable, open minded.

Like to do a lot of different things. Hiking, camping, skiing, art/craft fairs, flea markets, museums, music, open mics, beach, target shooting, walk in the park, dancing, etc. Welcome your interests.

Gainfully employed.

Please be single, n/s, open minded, likes animals, the outdoors, dressing up for halloween.

So, maybe this was a picture mix-up… I mean, it’s really easy to mistake your self-described nice looking pictures with the pictures that end up on the back cover of a slasher DVD. Easy mistake. Right? I also think I should note that he said he’s looking for a “person” – I suppose guys and girls taste the same when they’re skinned alive and eaten, right?

Good girl? Maybe you’d like a good guy… – 28 (West Philly)

That’s basically it. I’m an attractive, motivated, respectful guy. I am interested in taking some time to see if there are any nice, cute, intelligent girls out there. And, I’m open minded as to where something might lead to. I’m originally from WI. I’ve lived in Minneapolis, Manhattan, and now Philly. I am a day bartender, and I make music. You can learn more about me at: www.myspace.com/frankwestphal So, if you consider yourself a quality girl, don’t be shy. Maybe we can get to know each other better. Alright, hope to hear from you. Oh, and please attach a picture if you respond. Thanks.

So, yea. I’ll attach a picture, but I’ll make sure to attach one that makes me look as fashionably fucked up as you, friend. Where’s Stacy and Clinton when you need ‘em!?

my ass looks good in the mirror – 30 (philly)

ME: Your personal Jesus…………………………………………………………………………………………
YOU: Sexy as hell and ready for action…………………………………………………………………… get at me.

I don’t know about you guys, but when seeking canditates as you’re readying yourself for “action”, I’m pretty sure I’d exclude guys wearing 3D glasses on their heads with this expression. Can you imagine trying to be FWB with this dude? I bet it’d be a super not hot time.

stop look go – 43 (philly)

I am a single full time dad. I have been single for 9 years. I have been divorced since 2000. I know this might sound wimpy but, getting back in the dating world is kind of scary, you have to think about what’s best for my daughter and I. My daughter is 10 years old now. She is very important to me, trying to find someone who is compatible or even trying to ask someone out is seemingly difficult. We are very hopeful and happy. Having had tried dating a couple of times, in which all ended up in very short-term encounters. We carry very little baggage (we pack very light). Our new addition to the family a jackapoo, precious, the pup is kitty litter trained.

So, it’s been nine years since he was married… Back in 2000 (It’s the year 2009, for reference) and that’s one year less than a decade. So, it’s been eight plus one year since his divorce. Nine years. We get it. A long time.

So, would it be safe to assume that father of the year over here would bring his ten year old daughter on a first date? That’s one way to ensure that she won’t carry a lot of baggage into adulthood. Parenting FAIL.

But really, Pops, being scared of dating doesn’t make you wimpy. There’s a lot of shit out there. However, standing like that? That kind of makes you a wimp.

From The Vault

• Interesting…
• and now…
• I seriously just blushed…