Not technically a submission, but rather, something I stole from my friend Julie’s facebook.
First dates are always hard. Meeting someone from the internet for a first date is doubly hard. But this… I mean, if this happened to me, I would probably just call it a day and never leave my house again.
To The Woman That Crapped In My Car
We met on Craigslist so I am hoping that this post finds you. I know that it could quite possibly be the most humiliating first date that you have ever been on, but I am willing to look past that.
I thought we had chemistry sitting at McMenamins sharing that basket of Cajun Tots while drinking the Terminator Stout. I really felt like there was a connection there. I found you to be intelligent and witty and looked forward to further conversation with you.
At some point in life, everyone has gambled on a fart and lost. It just happened to be on a first date in the passenger seat of my car. Please don’t feel bad. The package I sent you with Pepto the next day and the note that said “First dates are always a crap shoot. Call me” was meant to be funny, not offensive.
I have gambled on a fart and lost on multiple occasions. The first time I did it was very memorable. It happened when I was five and sitting on my uncle’s lap. I am lactose intolerant, but love cheese. I probably win 95% of the time, but I don’t think anyone wins 100% of the time. That’s why they call it “gambling”. I’m the last person to judge you for crapping your pants. In fact, I am impressed by your boldness. The timing on the other hand, could have been a tad bit better…like when you’re not sitting on a heated leather seat…
What I am trying to say is that if you want to go out again, I would be more than happy to take you someplace where we can get a meal that is high in fiber and less taxing on the digestive tract.
I await your call,
TadP.S. – If you shat yourself on purpose to end the evening early…Touché…
What a man, folks! What a man… This poor girl shits her pants IN HIS CAR, admits it (clearly, it’s not really something you can ignore) and he still wants another date. He’s either the most stand-up dude on the planet or a weird shit fetishist.
Either way, Tad! You rule, dude. For real.
