Date Wrecks:

So I got an unusual submission on Wednesday night this week. It was good enough that the other sixty or so that are sitting in my queue got bumped a bit to make room for this one.

Holy hell.

You know how something embarrassing will happen to you and your friends will never let you forget it? But you, being slick, will make sure to steer conversation away from it when you’re around new folks, trying desperately to not let it come up in conversation. Leave it to your friends to bring it up, “Ohh! That’s just like this one story Jami has about jelly beans in her butt!”

….

….!!

Yea. It’s too embarrassing to tell. And, no matter how much you ask, I would never EVER put those details up anywhere online.

End.of.story.

There’s a man out there though, he’s got cajones. Not only does he have a horribly embarrassing online dating story, where HE is the asshole, he posts about it on his blog. But he doesn’t stop there — he submits it to Date Wrecks.

Maybe he just wants a plug for his blog – which would be well deserved, I’ve been lurking a bit on his blog for a few months. He’s kind of adorable in a “I have no idea what the hell I’m doing” kind of way.

Anyway, without drawing this introduction out any longer, here’s SO@24′s submission (you can find the original posts on his blog here and here):

From Don Juan to Don Quixote

This one is a doozy.

A fucking doozy.

As you may recall, a while back Match.com offered me a free trial period if I would blog about my experiences. It was an epic failure and after I got eServed, I stopped going on the account completely. It wasn’t until about two months ago when I noticed I was getting charged.

I logged back onto my account to sort those fuckers out, when I noticed I had an email from a girl.

Well, shit. It had been sitting in there, unopened for quite some time and I felt obligated to respond. After all, I had bitch n’ moaned about girls never writing me back, so I wanted to do this for her.

I’m just going to come right out and say that she wasn’t my cup of tea in both physical and personality departments. She was just kind of… vanilla. Plain Jane, nothing to write home about (I’m a dick. But an anonymous dick, so it’s all good). Her interests included music, her favorite movie was The Notebook, and she loved reading US Weekly. It wasn’t ever meant to be.

But she was nice enough to take the time and reach out to me so I wrote her back.

It was a delicate situation and I think I did a pretty good job of executing the whole, “Being courteous and polite, but not doing anything that might show her I’m at all interested.” I kept my answers short, I never asked more about her.

And then I dusted my hands after I clicked “Send” thinking that would be the end of it. She’d walk away with a good feeling that a guy responded and I walk away feeling like Johnny fucking Appleseed, spreading good deeds everywhere.

This would not be the case.

She wrote me back an email. I waited for like 3 or 4 days before responding, thinking this might help give that friendly nudge that I wasn’t that interested. Again, I wasn’t a dick or anything, I just was very to the point and not inquisitive; very blah.

It wasn’t until the next email she wrote me when things started to get a little… sticky. She ended her email with, “Well, I don’t normally do this, but would you like to get drinks sometime?”

Well fuck.

I had to say “yes” at this point. Why? Because I ALSO complain about how girls don’t take initiative and depend solely on guys to get the ball rolling. I didn’t want to politely decline, only for the girl to chalk it up to me being freaked out that a girl asked me out and then to have her never ask a guy out again.

Drinks. Casual. Not that big of a deal. I can do this.

So I agree, but again, I make sure I’m not enthusiastic in my response. “Yeah sure. Text me or something next time you’re out”.

She gave me her number, I hastily threw it in my phone and went back to playing Mega Man 9 on the Wii.

Last Friday, I was in my cube busting out some serious Outlook shit when I got a text message from my friend May.

I didn’t particularly like a lot of Lynn’s friends in high school. But one that stood out was May. She’s very blunt, sarcastic, crass and has the mouth of a sailor. She’s good people to have around.

I still stay in contact with May and occasionally, she’ll give me a call or text me to let me know she’s in LA and meet up.

May’s Text: Sorry this is last minute, but I’m in Pasadena. Do you want to meet up for a drink?
So@24′s Text: Of course! Text me when you head to the bar.

I hadn’t seen May for awhile, so I was excited for the reunion. I called up two of my buddies, Dave and Geoff to join me for drinks at my place before heading out.

Around 9:00, I get a text from May, “On my way! I should be there in 5!”

I wasn’t in a rush. Dave and Geoff were still finishing their beers and it was still early. I didn’t usher every one out of the door and into car until around 9:30.

On the road, I get a text from May, “Hey where are you??”

May is the type to get a little sassy at times and we have a playful banter so I shoot her one back, “Chill the fuck out, we’re on our way!”

By the time we park, it’s about 9:45. Dave, Geoff, and I head toward the bar. May calls me as we’re walking up to the bar.

May: You here?
So@24: Yep, walking up now. Wait, you didn’t pick a bar with cover did you? I never carry cash on me.
May: Uh… no. You should be fine.
So@24: Whew! See you in a bit!

As we step into the bar, I give a quick scan for May.

Nothing.

Must be in the bathroom.

Suddenly a girl stands up and addresses me, “So@24?”

>So@24′s Inner Monologue: Why does this girl look so familiar? Must be one of May and Lynn’s friends that I met once and don’t remember… better play it cool until I can place her.

So@24: Hey… you! Are we missing someone?
Girl: No…

It was at that very second that this happened…

Quick Idea of What’s Going On in So@24′s Brain in Approx .00456 Seconds

This was the Match.com girl who had emailed me earlier in the week asking me for drinks.

Her name also happened to be May. I just hastily put her in my phone and forgot about her.

Oh fuck.

My high school friend May was not in town. She did not text me.

Oh fuck.

This is technically a “date”.

Oh fuck.

I’m wearing ratty jeans, a dirty tshirt and haven’t shaved for two days.

Oh fuck.

I’m 45 mins late.

Oh fuck.

I texted this girl, “Chill the fuck out” when she asked where I was.

Oh fuck.

I just came off looking like a complete cheapskate by bitching about paying cover.

Oh fuck.

I brought two of my friends with me.

Analysis: I am a complete and total moron.

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

Quick decision! Damage Control! It was like red alert in my brain. The submarine was hit and was flooding quick. Tons of sailors were scrambling to keep their balance and shut all the valves. The sub was going down.

So@24: Hey! Nice to meet you. Let me grab you a drink! What are you drinking there?
May: Just a beer.
So@24: Alright, I’ll be right back.

I grabbed a confused Dave and Geoff by the collar and dragged them with me to the far corner of the bar. I gave them a 20 second explanation of what’s going on. They laughed hysterically.

I tossed Geoff the keys. “Sorry buddy, you’re driving tonight. Bartender? A pitcher of Bud Light and a shot of Jack please.”

* * *

Epilogue

The rest of the night actually wasn’t so bad. She didn’t seem pissed or annoyed with my jackassary (I kept checking with Dave to make sure that she seemed fine). I bought all her drinks for her and I never caught any sign that she caught on that I was completely oblivious. She didn’t show any signs of being phased by the unusual situation. We hung out until closing time, but the banter was what I had expected… beige. -shruggy-

I felt terrible! Augh! I went into this situation hoping that I could show this girl a good time and that not all online dating sites have guys who are complete tools.

And I came out looking like a total dick. Complete, complete failure. Not that I was remotely interested in her to begin with, but still…

How was I supposed to explain my mistake to her? “Oh sorry, you weren’t important enough to remember your name.” I panicked! I didn’t know what to do.

Ugh. Maybe I should give her a call?

If there was any doubt how clueless I am… I think this settles the score, wouldn’t you say?

Aw, shit. Bless his heart! And this girl!!? There is no fucking way I would have waited 45 minutes for a dude. No way, no how. My advice: don’t call this girl. She sounds like the kind of girl who will put up with anything because she’s doormat-y and boring.

Unless you’re into that kind of thing… In which case, you really ARE an asshole.

Also, another little bit of advice: start saving people with first and last names in your phone. I’ve got a couple of boys right now that are listed as “[First Name] OkCupid”…

Thanks for the submission, dude. Stellar!

And the rest of you, go enjoy his blog.