When it rains, it pours. Enjoy!
This is his, “I’m sitting in the floor of my grandma’s parlor, making my sensitive face,” face. The fireplace is a nice touch, friend. Really. Matches your hair.
Bitty pictures make me cringe! I mean, why even upload a picture if you can’t see your face or your body!? I’d like to make fun of him, but I can’t. I just really can’t even decipher what’s going on in this picture in order to even be able to. DAMN YOU, mister!
Nothing like a cliche inappropriate Halloween costume — that made it on CollegeHumor.com, no less — to make my panties drop. I’d say this is a much more creative costume than this wreck, at least.
Oooh. No. [shudder] Just… Hairy. Dude needs a banana clip to keep that shit under wraps. He looks a little like Pedro from Napoleon Dynamite, no?
And so does this dude. Although, I suppose when your hair is straight, it’s more metal-head than ratty head. How unfortunate for those of us who have been blessed with less-than-straight manes. I wonder how I would recognize this dude on a date?
I’d like to share a revelation that I’ve had during my time here. It came to me when I tried to classify your species. I realized that you’re not actually mammals. Every mammal on this planet instinctively develops a natural equilibrium with the surrounding environment, but you humans do not. You move to an area, and you multiply, and multiply, until every natural resource is consumed. The only way you can survive is to spread to another area. There is another organism on this planet that follows the same pattern. A virus. Human beings are a disease, a cancer of this planet, you are a plague, and we are the cure.
Two points if you know what I’m talking about! And if you don’t, you’re a douche.
You know what happens to douche bags when they grow old? They turn into men like this. “Death before dishonor” on the sleeve of a BLAZER? Maybe it’s a military coat? I can’t tell really, but his pew-pew finger pointing makes my eye twitch.
So, um, your name is Anthony and, lemme guess! You, um… you want to be a R&B singer?! Or… Hmmm… You’re on the downlow? Ghey.
Oh mercy. Just… On the floor? Really? Was this necessary? And is that someone else’s hand in the bottom right corner of the frame? Who was witnessing this atrocity?!
This next wreck, well… He’s got a special place in my heart because I KNOW THIS GUY! Hahaha. I stumbled across this picture and giggled, but then realized his user name was Father Lucifer and the first thought that popped into my head:
I guess this is probably a more accurate representation of what Satan wears in hell than the standard long cloak get-up. I mean, it’s hot as balls down there, right?What’s even more awesome? I haven’t seen this friend in like… ten or fifteen years, and when I told him how I found him and that I was going to Date Wreck him, he said, “You can punk my name if you want. I’m actually curious what there is to punk about it.” Well said, Ricky! Haha.
For posterity’s sake, he wasn’t being Satan, he was a dirty fairy for Halloween (and also, that’s not his real chest hair… Or um… pubic hair. I’m told it was from an afro wig). And the Father Lucifer comment is pulled from a Tori Amos song, so yea, now Ricky is officially the coolest Date Wreck we’ve had folks.
Congratulations, Ricky! Also, this makes me wonder if some of these Date Wreck guys are actually really cool characters….? No, lemme stop… Too much activity for my brain right now.
Can you catch what makes this picture wrecky? It’s not anything about him, per say, except for the fact that he used this picture on his Plenty of Fish ad and then reused it for his OkCupid ad. Niiiice.
Pensive boy is sad that the turtle’s head won’t come out of his shell.
You know what’s hardcore punk RAWK bitchez??!! That mod floral shower curtain your mom has hung in your bathroom.
If you took the toothbrush out of his mouth, this would actually be a kind of cool picture. Interesting color on the wall and he was actually cute! But there’s something unsettling about watching something white oozing out of a man’s mouth.
I’m just sayin’.
You thought Carrot Top was the most successful person in his family, didn’t you? But you’re wrong. This is Carrot Top’s older much more successful brother. You know how I can tell he’s successful? He’s got a legal pad, y’all…
I love this. “Who’s worth $10, baby!? YOU ARE.” Or maybe your right bewbie is.
Poor girl. This is why I don’t go to clubs where there are paparazzi running around trying to make non-famous people look famous. Oooh! Come to our club, look at how fun and stylish it is!
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!
Oh wait!
Shit. *gurgle*sputter*choke* BWAHAHAHAHA! I can’t stop laughing at this one, you guys. Yea, this is the same dude that you just saw a moment ago w/ the biker embroidery on his blazer. He’s always keeping you on your toes, ladies! Now he’s like, some kind of secret agent maaaan.
Or a cyclops.
Caption: I look like the Una Bomber in this one.The Una Bomber? UNA? Pronounced “oooh-nuh”??
This is what’s wrong with America, man.
What are you holding there, friend? Is this a science fair project? An ashtray? Your portal to another intergalatic dimension? An upside down comically large microphone?
Skiing in jeans? It’s your first time, isn’t it?
Thirty nine years old, folks. That’s how old he is NOW. How many years ago do you think this picture was taken? Say… twenty years ago, or so, right? When he was like… a junior or senior in high school. AWESOME.
