From My Inbox – Special Edition
— By Jami on May 15, 2009 at 8:00 am
So, I got my first email from a married man! (Well, the first one where he was open about it — I have my suspicions about one from the past, but whatever. Let’s focus here!)
34 / m / straight / available
Atlanta, Georgia
My Self-Summary
I’m just your average, everyday awesomely dorky guy looking for women that are into guys like me. Say hi if you get a chance.
So, you’re all, “But Jami, he doesn’t say he’s married! He says he’s available!” Precisely. This is why, when he came up as a quiver match for me, I looked at his profile. I was dismayed by the lack of content on his page and that fact that half his head was missing from his picture. He also appears to be TREMENDOUSLY hairy, which isn’t something I’m into physically. I wasn’t exactly turned off by his profile, but certainly not intrigued enough to email him.
So, I closed the window and moved on. End of story….?
Newp. Dude emailed me, and it sounded almost like we might have some things in common… That maybe, I should quit harping on his hairy arms and beard-to-the-eyes look, and try to get past the physical…
But, no. That wasn’t the case either.
Facebook Status Update:
Jami is getting hit on by married men, on a website near you. [eyeroll]
Yup. Married. Ugh.
Here’s the email exchange:
From Mr Marriage:Hello. I saw that you “stalked” me so, so I “stalked” you back. You have some great photos on your profile and your profile caught my attention. I’m a painter too. Not full time, but it’s something I do outside of my day job as a computer nerd. I prefer dork to nerd. I’m not sure I fit in any category though. I’m the only guy at my company that has tattoos. I work on software all day, but I’m a little anti-technology. I read constantly. I’m addicted to soduku. I paint and manage to get asked to be in shows around town. So that’s me in a few sentences. I think we at least a little bit in common.
My profile is super vague because I’m married. I’m not monogomous though. So I understand if that scares you off. Maybe it doesnt though, so I had to take a chance and send you a message. I’d love to hear back from you and get to know each other.
- t
Dipshit. If you’re not even going to make an effort to be monogamous, at least learn how to spell it correctly. I did want some clarification on exactly how far deep his douche ran, so I emailed him back:
Your Amazing Beautiful Blog Author:what does that mean? “not monogamous”? like… poly? swinger?
And his reply:
From Mr Marriage:
I guess more like poly? We don’t swing for sure. I’m not totally familiar with the difference though. I’ve been married 12 years. The only way to keep that from becoming monotonous is that my wife and I have gave each other space to make our own friends. Basically its become a “don’t ask, don’t tell” situation. She knows I have female friends but doesnt ask about them. I know she has male friends and I’d rather not know how close they are. I know its totally unhealthy, but its working for the time being.
You guess it’s more like poly? Listen, asshole, my parents have been married for 32 years and they’ve never been in such a rut that the only thing that would keep them married was fucking other people. That is the STUPIDEST reason in the world for being sorta-I-guess-maybe-possibly-poly. At it’s most basic level, I understand polyamory. I really do. It’s not something I am hard-wired for, but it’s not wrong.
I’ve seen Big Love. I love that show. This, to me, however Hollywood-glammed up it is, is a good representation of what polyamory should be. It’s not perfect, but at it’s core, it’s based upon open communication and mutual decisions.
Fucking other bitches because your wife doesn’t do it for you anymore? That shit is not polyamory. That’s something we call infidelity. And the whole “don’t ask/don’t tell” portion of his email sent me up the wall! I wonder why you feel so NOT close to your wife that you can fuck other women? Oh, maybe it’s because you guys suck at communicating. It’s just speculation on my part, but why not just get a fucking divorce already?! Damn. So stupid.
So, I emailed him back and simply said, “That’s the lamest thing I’ve ever heard”
And clearly, because this guy needs a shrink, opened up the door for me to help him out by going further and asking me why I thought this. He said, “I’m just being honest with you.”
….!
Oh good gravy.
So I unloaded:
being honest is super cool. i’m glad you were upfront with it in your email – you might also be up front with it on your dating profile. you fall into search parameters that you don’t qualify for, ie: available/single… aka NOT married.
i do agree that your lifestyle is terribly unhealthy. i hope to GOD (and i’m agnostic) that you aren’t subjecting children to this kind of dysfunctional example of marital love. you don’t mention children on your profile, but then again, you didn’t mention your wife either.
there are websites for those seeking to have affairs, whether they’re hidden or not. if you need help finding them, i might suggest this really cool website called www.google.com to start your search.
this is a dating site and however honest you might feel like you’re being, you don’t belong here unless you’re a) single or b) a douchey retard who hangs around for the forums.
suffice it to say, no, i am not at all interested in what you’re offering.
I feel like I’m doing a good job of stating my opinion and displaying my disdain without being a TOTAL cunt, right? Maybe not because homeboy broke out his violin and started playing me a sad song…
and he goes on: ar d = new Date (1242313100 * 1000);document.write(makeSmartDateString(d,MAIL_F
i didnt realize i showed up as single. hmm. i’ll change that. and no, i dont have children – no need to lose sleep over that. i do know about google and i know about other sites. i had a friend suggest this one so i’ve been on it for a few weeks now. i’ve never been to the forums here and i’ve actually met other wom
en here who are in the same or similar situation as i am.i understand and respect that you’re not interested, but just wondering why you’re so upset by it that you’d take this much time to be so venomous about it?
As an aside: I’m kind of loving that fact that he called me venomous.
My response:
where’s the venom?
i’m just disgusted with idea of what you represent.
if you’re not happy with your wife, divorce her. if you are, keep your dick in your pants and be devoted. OR, have an actual open poly relationship. this whole “don’t ask/don’t tell” thing is quite possibly the stupidest thing i’ve ever heard… it falls just behind “we have to have sex with other people because our marriage is monotonous.”
Our story here is almost over folks…
Observe:
the venom is in every email you’ve sent me. i know its not an ideal or good or healthy situation. i realize this. i guess it just stings a little to be attacked for it. sorta like how its ok to make fun or yourself or your family, but when someone else does it hurts. i suck at analogies by the way. anyway, its just one little glimpse into my dysfunctional marriage. i could bore you for hours about it. i’ve brought up the idea of separating or divorcing and she wanted to give it another try. so we did. it evolved to this point. shes a very introverted person and it takes a miracle to get her to talk about anything. i suggested conseling to see if that would help her out of her shell. she said she would do if its what i wanted. which wasn’t the point. and i do keep my dick in my pants. i’ve only been with two women my entire life. i agree with needing to just be open about it, but i just haven’t gotten to that point i guess. i dont want her out of my life, and i dont think she wants me out of hers, but our orbits aren’t exactly intersecting lately.
not sure why i’m spilling out all this you …
Oh, well, BWESS HIS WIDDLE HAAART. I suppose I hurt his feelings. Woops.
And doesn’t this statement just exhude confidence: “I don’t think she wants me out of her [life].” You don’t think so? As in… maybe you’re unclear about this issue? This is kind of a big issue in a marriage, something you might need to seek some clarity on.
So, this sappy whiney case needed a bitch slap, I thought. I mean, what if speaking up now saves his marriage? What if I could be the catalyst which sends him on a mission to fix his mistakes and be the kind of husband his mother would have wanted him to be? What if my ego is so large, I believe I can help strangers fix their marriages?
Haha… Ok, whatever.
Here’s the rest:
i’m not sure either dude, i’m not your shrink or your marriage counselor, both of which i think you need.
and there has been no venom on my exchanges thus far, this is just how i talk. maybe you’re used to a mousey girl or something, but that’s not me. however, i’m blogging about you this moment because this actually is getting under my skin.
[insert excerpts from the blog]
and further more, if your wife has a hard time communicating, how exactly do you think that fucking other women or giving her the “space” to fuck other men is going to help her learn to communicate?
you’re putting a bandaid on a grenade wound here, dude. at your age, i would think you’d have the maturity to see that, but i don’t know you from adam.
i can’t even fathom doing something like this. it’s selfish and destructive and in NO WAY constructive or helpful to a marriage. stupid, stupid, stupid.
And I know I helped him… Maybe even saved his marriage. You know how I know this?
Motherfucker wrote me back and said, “Thanks.”
You’re welcome!
Maybe I’ll be a marriage counselor when I grow up…
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13 Comments
Don’t bother going and fixing random people on the internet. Although I suppose I’m doing that now.
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Awesome. And I <3 you. Married, gettin'-cheated-on women everywhere should BE so lucky as to have someone looking out for them like this. (I know it's just as much, if not more, about his douchebaggery here, rather than helping her, but still.)
I've got some PMS from hell, so this guy is just as good as any to unload on. I can see the holes in his story from a mile (or several thousand, as it were) away…
His wife is an introvert, but she's out fucking other dudes too? Not likely. (Oh, but he's "giving her the space to, what a sweetheart).
He's trolling for snatch on the interwebs (and they've got an "agreement" about it) but he's only been with 2 women? Uh huh.
He "didn't know" that his profile said he was available? Um, so he DIDN'T say that his profile was super vague on PURPOSE because he was married? And correct me if I'm wrong (having never been on the site) but would he not have had to PICK "available" at some point?
And yeah, not poly or a swinger. "Open marriage" would be the term, IF there wasn't a "don't ask don't tell" policy (and I'm pretty sure he's the only one in on that policy).
He had a friend suggest OKC so he could go cheat on his wife? So he's obviously surROUNDed himself with quality people. Yet another point in his favour.
"I have heard of google" Wow, OK, so put a check in the "doesn't understand sarcasm" column…
"I guess it just stings to be attacked for it" I don't even need to say anything here. Except this: "attacked" means something like getting kicked in the cheatin' junk. Which I hope happens to this guy.
And finally, dude can BE honest, and open, and upfront with a RANDOM STRANGER on the internet, but not with his WIFE? This is douchebaggery at its absolute finest. Why would anyone be interested in this shitface when they could get an unattached crapsack of their very own?
Aaaaaah. That felt good. Back to regularly scheduled programming.
XkissesX HA!
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Being in a committed, loving, and poly relationship with myself (polyfidelitous, if you want to get into the details, meaning that we don’t sleep around or whatever – it’s always just me, my husband, and the person that we’re dating and *interested in a committed relationship with*), I kinda think you went off on him and I do see where there was venom there.
I think cheating is wrong, totally and completely reprehensible, and never okay. But if that’s the agreement that they have and that’s what works for them, then that’s they’re deal. I do agree that he should not be on OkC, although I will say (and I’m sure you’ve noticed also), OkC seems to have a higher percentage of poly/swinger/open types than not.
I dunno… maybe I’m just reading it wrong. And he was wrong to misrepresent himself on his profile. But… who are you to tell him that his relationship is the wrong way to go?
Just my two cents…
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Danyell (hi lovely, btw!)-
I think I agree with Jen here. It seems like he’s the only one that’s “in” on this don’t ask, don’t tell policy. If his wife really is all quiet and a bad communicator, and he’s only ever been with two women…it seems more like a cheating thing than a poly thing to me. It could go either way…but the guy seems like a weirdo to me anyway so, I wouldn’t lose sleep over his feelings, haha.
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I actually got a message from a poly guy on OKC. He was cute, and so was his wife. There were pictures of both of them on his profile (and it was so open it startled me before I realized he was poly). He wasn’t vague about it.
I get that with our monogamy-oriented society, sometimes polyamorous couples, or even those in an open marriage, will feel the need to be rather circumspect. But not, usually, on a website that welcomes the poly community and has no few swingers on it.
It is his very vagueness that was damning, and as has been said it’s silly to think we’ll believe his “introverted” wife is out there bangin’ guys too. I know this because I am introverted, and just this week I was discussing with my best friend that a) I really want to get laid but b) that would require interaction with other people. Introverts, as a rule, don’t put themselves out there to become involved in multiple relationships.
It reminds me of the time my ex-husband joined a personals site and claimed to me he’d done it accidentally, while looking for porn.
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Yeah, he seems super shady to me. If his wife really is a part of this “deal” too, then hooray for them, whatever floats your boat. But I get the feeling that he’s the only one taking advantage of this “open” relationship. If it’s truly open at all.
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Love your blogs. Ran across this while blog-surfing. Just wanted to comment that I’m 61 and have been blessed to be married to the same wonderful woman for 38 years without ever having sex with another – even through some rough patches. Something about that vow I made..
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::::::standing ovation::::::
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I’m really concentrating on the few key phrases such as :
“not healthy”…ummm…you got that right..please pass me the full body condom – in green please so I look like Gumby.
And I won’t BORE you all night long..I smell the double entendre burning…
And reading between the line he says he doesn’t want to know what the wifey is up to…I say it sounds more like she’s the one stepping out…take it or leave it..and he’s trying (lamely) to get with the program.
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See, the thing that gets me is “shes a very introverted person and it takes a miracle to get her to talk about anything.”
News flash: when getting YOUR WIFE to talk to you is like pulling teeth, it doesn’t mean she’s an introvert. It means she hates you.
I mean, seriously. Being in love with someone (and why get married if you’re not in love?) inherently means that you have emotional intimacy with them. Which means talking. I would classify myself as an introvert as well, but when I’m dating someone I’m really into, I open up to him. This chick isn’t shy, she’s distant. Not the same thing. And therefore I figure she may well be out bangin’ other dudes.
Oh, and I know I’m commenting here really really late in the game, but in case anyone ever reads this: on OKCupid, there is no “available” option that you select. HOWEVER, if you select your status as “married” or “seeing someone” AND select anything other than friendshippy stuff under what you’re looking for, the site will automatically list your relationship status as “available”. There is a big bold disclaimer at the top of the selection page that explicitly states this, but a lot of people seem to miss it somehow. Therefore, this guy may not have realized that his profile said he was “available”, and a lot of potential respondents might not realize that the designation is not the same as “single”.
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Hey…apparently I can’t use markup here.
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I’ll fix it for you — it’s a thing, not a [ and ] thing.
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Thank you.
I’ve never seen a case of douchebag…helping… himself…based on the internet, no matter how hard I’ve looked. A little bit of my faith in humanity is restored…
(A 16 year old cynic, folks! What a world the interwebs are, eh?
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