It’s been way too long since we did one of these, right?
If you aren’t familiar with Bros Vs. Hoes, this is where I post alternating pictures of lady wrecks and dude wrecks and we decide which group was the wreckiest.
Ready? Here we go:
White the Nike Hat might give you “street cred” with your country “gangsta” homies, the wall panelling cancels it out for you dude. And why do you look so miserable? Yea, ok… It’s the wall panelling again, isn’t it? But it’s alright dude, because you’ve got a dreamcatcher on your wall, holmes! It’s alllllll good!
I don’t know about you and your shower habits, but for me, I’m a whole lot like this girl. Right out of the shower, I like to sit on my plaid couch and take pictures of myself from the ever-popular Myspace angle. I mean, who cares about drying your hair and not leaving a wet spot on the couch? None of that matters because the objective here was to look sexy and… I think she thinks she did it.
Caption: So, I like playing with lights and going to raves.
Really? RAVES? Is this 1995? Because I could have SWORN raves stopped being cool after Swordfish came out and made electronic music mainstream.
I went to a rave once. ONCE. It was… I guess it was 2001? I was so excited — and such a dork. I went and bought great big giant red UFO pants and a rainbow brite ringer tshirt. I thought I was so cool. Picked up my friend Wendy and we went somewhere FAR away, I don’t remember where… Found some X (this was pre-kid, now… no worries folks) and proceded to jump and spin and chew through pascifers all night. We capped off the evening running around touching people who were wearing fur or latex or any other sensory-magnet fabric. It was so stupid, man. You know what it was like? It was this last dude’s picture. STUPID.
Ugh. OMG. Look at the fucking hipsters.
Congratulations. I don’t have balls, but if I did, looking at this picture would have made them shrink up into my body so badly that I would have to have them extracted by a team of professionals. This is about as cool as the weirdos who do suspension, except this guy is afraid to hang from his skin. Fuckin’ poser. If you’re going to be the weird kid, COMMIT TO IT.
Operation: Try really hard to look like a douche bag who is trying really hard.
Congratulations, you did it. And before you ask, this girl was listed as straight. Tell me dude, which one of you wouldn’t want to bang a girl who looked more macho than you? Because if that’s you, you have gender issues man.
He captioned this one: Messed up at a rave
Um, isn’t everyone at a rave messed up? Is anyone stupid enough to go to a rave dead-fucking sober? I’m pretty sure the local church youth group isn’t bussing over their ministries to have fun jumping and spinning and letting all the fucked up raver kids touch them inappropriately.
But what the fuck do I know? Maybe I’m getting old. I suppose everyone comes back… Maybe raving is retro? Tell me, cool kids, are raves cool again now?
Alright, so I’m not a big fan of stupid pictures on personal ads. I know some people put them up there to say, “Hey, it’s cool. I’m silly. I like to have fun. Whhheeee!” But really, you reach a certain age when silly behavior starts to raise eyebrows. “Is nana losing her mind? Alzeheimers DOES run in the family…” The woman on the left is the one who had this on her profile and she’s 56.
You guys — if your mom or dad (or pop-pop or granny) is single and you have any sort of inkling that they’re going to try online dating — INTERVENE. Don’t let this happen to your sweet older loved ones.
Personally, I prefer the scarecrow in the middle. I’m short, it is short. I think we’d make a lovely pair.
Please tell me that some poor wedding photographer didn’t take this picture. PLEASE TELL ME THAT MUCH.
I guess we can at least thank him for not showing this whore’s vag…? There’s your silver lining. Look at me man, I’m always bringing you the sunshine, folks.
Rotation? What rotation? Guy, girl, guy, girl, guy, girl, guy, girl, guy, GIRL. Yes. Believe it. This is a lady. To be fair, she’s gay, but also to be fair, she’s attempting to look like a 17 year old fucking guido Jersey douche bag. I guess if the guys in your neighborhood dress like this and you figure out you’re gay, you’d start dressing like this, too, right? I guess… Also, was this picture taken in a clothing store? Maybe at the mall? Maybe perhaps she was trying on the shades, but I’m not seeing a price tag on those shades.
So yea, this douchey girl actually just took a picture of herself walking around a store into a mirror. If I saw that in real life, I would totally laugh out loud. Like… loudly.
Alright, phew! So, what do you think guys? Who wins this time? The bros or the hoes?
