Ah, we return to the very thing that carved out a special little place in your heart… My inbox.
Please, please… Hold your applause until the end. Otherwise, we’ll never get through all of this together.
Nothing says “YES!” to me more than a 28 year old man in the special needs capable swing at the park. Also… if it’s warm enough for short sleeves, can it also be cold enough to wear that hat? Or rather, when is it ever okay to wear a hat like that??
Given the choices here, I’m pretty sure I’d go with the bachelor on the right. I mean, we all know how I feel about mustaches… Particularly the I-can’t-really-grow-a-full-mustache look. He looks like he’s dressing like a new-age Mormon dude on mission. “White shirt? Check. Dark tie? Check. Reaching out to a clearly lost soul? Check.”
- Caption: Are you worthy?
At 14 or 15, I would have followed this guy around until my puma sneaks lost all their rubber on the bottom… Until my JNCOs were so tattered at the heel that they started to curl up… Until all my flannel shirts lost their buttons. But now? In 2009? Ehh… Not so much. Hey dude, 1992 called. It wants it sk8r back. Seattle misses you.
- Caption: There's a cat at the bottom of this picture. She's telling me secrets.
And this?? This is why I don’t like cats. You know what people do with picture of their dog? They give them funny captions. The dogs are never plotting against you or anyone else. They just want to play fetch and get their bellies rubbed. Of course, I don’t really think that cats are the problem. It is people like this who are perpetually pretending that their cats have some kind of above-household-pet brain power to plot some sort of stealth takeover. It’s really probably not the cats I don’t like… It’s the owners. My advice to this dude: get a dog.
- Caption: Trying to be come hither.
You know, when I look at this face, it doesn’t entice me to want to get horizontal and naked with this man. It makes me want to join the Army. It’s completely lacking in any sort of romantic metaphor. Keep working on it, dude. Alluring sex appeal take years of practice for some.
- Caption: What's your pleasure?
Same dude again — I think this picture MUST have been taken AFTER the previous picture, because clearly, he’s been working on the eyebrow/eye combo. What is still perplexing is his inability to just put his hands down and let his come-hither eyes do the talking. What is that? Pandora’s box? A gilded tissue box? I’m quite certain that whatever “pleasures” he’s got in that box will stay verreh far away from my box. All in all, an A for effort but a D for execution.
What makes me sad about this guy is that not only did he put his full name (albeit a fairly generic, possibly hard to google name) on his picture, but he touts himself as a “graphic designer” which, as some of you know, is my profession as well. It’s like… Ballerinas who get offended because strippers call themselves “dancers” — it just cheapens it for everyone. I hope, for my income’s sake, that when I tell people I’m a graphic designer, they aren’t conjuring up pictures of me on a fake beach all dressed in black, awkwardly twisting my neck.
All of that aside — when I actually DID google “Chris Burke” I came up with something even more… *sigh* Unfortunate for our blessed dater here.
That’s right, guys. Chris Burke AKA Corky.
I’m pretty sure I’d go by Christopher just to lessen the confusion. *ahem*
I’m also pretty sure I’m going straight to hell.
Moving on…
- Caption: Me at a rock and roll theme party.
Really? I can tell, by the looks of everyone in the background of this picture, that EVERYONE was on-board with the theme. I mean, that girl on right, she’s clearly dressed as… Um… As… I don’t know. Some brown haired generica pretty girl singer or something. Right? I’m embarrassed for this guy just looking at this photo.
