So, I did some research this week — googling to see what other people have put on their lists for how things oughta operate with an online date… And I have to say, most of the women’s lists read like a run-down of “How Sally Got Burned” rather than an actual, applicable-to-most list.
I’m going to do my darndest to avoid this, but I make no promises because, really… I’ve had my share of douche-experiences, right?
I’ve really only got TWO rules, guys. That’s it. I mean, they’re long winded… And sort of general umbrella-rules that encompass several other little rules, but whatever.
TWO RULES. That’s it.
#1 Your profile should be recent in all areas
This means recent photos, but also recently updated little blurbs, etc. It irritates me to no end when I open up someone’s profile and they’ve got “GObama ’08!” or something else that is clearly something they felt compelled to include A YEAR AGO. (Side note — I heart Obama)
Mix it up sometimes, man. I don’t know about other sites, but every time you change your profile on OkCupid, you get bumped up on the homescreen of either A) people that will be interested in you based on their demographic preferences, or B) people who have already viewed or contacted you. So, if you just finished reading a book and you loved it, add it to your profile. If you saw a film and it was stupid, make a mention of it. It shows that you’re actively interested in seeking a mate.
Recent photos are important, particularly if you look nothing like your old photos. In the last five years, I have had at least four or five hair colors and a plethora of hair styles ranging from a red pixie-length MISTAKE to my current midnight-down-past-my-bra-line mane. All of my pictures show me with long, black hair because that’s what I have now. My chin-length bob was adorable (see inset picture). But i looks nothing like my hair now. If you insist on using an old picture, make sure you include lots of new pictures, too and that you include a note: “This picture is old, but damn, it’s a hot picture of me.” Because this one… It sure is hot. When I see it, it makes me want to cut my hair short again.
Ladies, I know it’s hard because we look in the mirror and can instantly find SOMETHING wrong with our appearance — wrinkles, saggy ass and/or tits, big thighs, extra chins, Oprah-arms, blah de blah blah blah.
But here’s the thing — if you aren’t honest in your pictures about what you look like physically, an otherwise perfect gentleman might not be interested. And you can’t blame him — I mean, if he was expecting a “long legged blonde” and you show up with long legs carrying you three hundred pound frame, capped off with your blonde hair, he’s gonna be a little bothered.
No, technically you didn’t LIE to him, but why not dodge all of this sticky mess and just keep it real. I am not a model. I don’t have bitty girly boobs. I have a stomach with stretch marks from slugging an infant around in my stomach for nearly a year. But I am what I am – even if I’m not totally happy with my phsyique, I know it’s counterproductive to be deceptive about my appearance.
Full body shots are a must for men — ask any man, he’ll tell you. If a man has a date with a girl without a full body shot, he’s mentally prepared himself to be ready for a big and beautiful woman.
Also, ladies, if all of your pictures are mostly of your boobs/cleavage/bra/bikini/blah de blah then guys are only going to want you for your bodies. Bless thier hearts — you throw a little skin in a man’s face and his mind will only be focused on one thing. Even if it’s smart and itelligent and all of that… It’s just the way it is.
And you dudes out there – quit it with the half-naked pictures. Yes, I agree… That portion on a man’s lower abdomen where he’s got that man-cleavage and some low slung jeans and maybe he’s got a little perspiration on his chest and maybe — STOP. Sorry. I was getting a little carried away there. It’s hot. It’s sexy. We like it. We still don’t want to see pictures of it. Contrary to the way you guys think — more skin isn’t it. “Well I know what I’d like to see!” Yea, it doesn’t work both ways.
We also don’t give a shit what kind of car you drive… Just that you drive one. It’s nice if it’s clean and you wash it and stuff, but really, it doesn’t matter all that much to us. There are probably exceptions — girls who race cars or something like that, I don’t know. But really, I don’t care about seeing pictures of your car. Or your motorcycle. Really.
We don’t care.
#2 Learn How To Orchestrate A Proper Introduction
This one is just gonna take time and a little experience under your belt. You don’t always have to make your first email this long, drawn out declaration of why you believe you would be a healthy match. Sometimes it can just be something cute and short and flirty.
Observe: Cute boy looks at my profile. I like his profile, he’s in my area, and meets my mental checklist of “requireds” (likes children, doesn’t do drugs, age 27-35) and he has this adorable picture
of himself eating a bowl of noodles. Yea, he had highlighted tips in his hair that I wasn’t crazy about, but I saw my “in”.
My email to him said: “That noodle picture might be be the cutest picture I’ve seen of a grown man in a while.”
That’s it. The key to the short first email is to have a GREAT profile. He opens his inbox, sees my message. I’m all mysterious [waving my hands and going ooooOOOOooooo!], so he looks at my profile and ba-da-bing. We spend the next few emails exchanging cute flirty messages, getting to know one another. I don’t know if it’ll go anywhere, but that’s not the point. The point was, I saw a man that might interest me and I engaged.
Some other email starters that have worked for me:
A man had a picture of a pecan pie, straight from the oven to the cooling rack. So I sent him a message that said, “You have, among other things, a picture of pecan pie. My question is this: do you say “puh-con” or “pee-can”…? Because that could make or break my opinion of you.” And guess what? We emailed back and forth for a little while. Did I go on a date with him? No. Ultimately, he was much too conservative for my tastes.
I have Dumb & Dumber listed as one of my favorite movies, and really — it is. I can quote the entire movie from beginning to end without the assistance of actually having the movie playing. Does that make me a dork? Maybe, but some dude had a successful email exchange with me by opening with this: “What’s your favorite line from Dumb and Dumber? This is mine.” Brilliant – he read my profile, made me laugh, and we started talking.
Just take the plunge. Here’s what you don’t do:
- Don’t ask someone out on a date in your first email.
- Don’t ask for a phone number in your first email.
- Don’t email more than five or six times back and forth. Make plans for a date or move on.
- Don’t excuse yourself or apologize for emailing someone. They’ve got a profile up and should expect to get messages. None of this, “I’m sorry to bother you, but…” shit.
Really, just try a few different angles. You won’t know if something works until you try it. What’s the worst that could happen? (Ok, the worst would be that you took my advice and ended up on Date Wrecks, but we could still chalk it up to a learning experience, right?!)
If you get these two rules down, there is no reason you should have any trouble connecting with other singles on your dating site. They’re not all going to be winners, sometimes you’ll have super boring dates. Sometimes you’ll have really exciting “relationships” that fizzle out after a month. But the main point is that you just have to put yourself out there. Be open and honest in your profile and in your exchanges and the rest will fall into place.
It really will. Have I ever let you down in the past?
