Cue Berlin!
— By Jami on July 29, 2009 at 8:00 am
Seriously, when I read this submission… I was just breathless. Literally, jaw gaping… Eyes wide. I had to consciously think about taking a breath in.
It’s THAT bad. But of course, you decide 
Everyone, I present to you, Ed — master of words:
Ed is a 44 year old single man from Hackettstown, NJ. He has never been married and does not have any children, though he wants them. He’s also a Gemini and a self-proclaimed “life of the party/sidekick”. But enough from me… Take it Ed!
Hi From 45 year old Male –glow in the dark blue eyes– choclate brown hair 5,11 tall 240 Pounds Very Healthy Male,Exersize Ride Bike Swimming In summer. / CDL driver 20 years ENDORSMENTS- HNT PASS PORT TWIK CARD / honey bees / plus I have in-Vensions too / dering the summer I like LOVE/ the beach I Go To Sandy Hook NJ Beach G. Its A Clothing Optional Beach Its The Best –THE OCEAN IS THE FOUNTIAN OF YOUTH– Swim Sun-tan Salt Water –HOW TO SUN TAN SAFLY AT Clothing Optional BEACH –Sun-tanning Bring Un-brela -lotion -water -Add Olive Oil TO YOUR DIET –MIX WITH WATER- DRINK IT– –SIT ON –TOILET– FIRST 2 TIMES- –PLUS EAT BLACK OLIVE TO TINT SKIN HOPE FULY JUST STARTED THAT INGREDEANT– AT the Beach You Will Swett Oil –NO DRIED SKIN– For Deep Tanning. My Ideal Woman Is Healthy Way over 100 pounds or Close to it. And Have A gob & Drivers Licence –Age 18 To 35 Reel Breast –Thick– –Thighs– / How To Make Thighs Big And Round Eat Sea Food 75% –SARDINES BEING THE BEST –LONG LASTING STOREGE– PLUS SHOP-WRITE BLACK CHOCLATE MUFFIN– Best Results Lay Down Leg Curles –FRON & BACK– Swiming –No Tite Clothing –Scurt– Thong Under Wear– Please –CONTACT ME– Good Or Bad I Want To Hear From You. —I Will Be At Beach G Sandy Hook Most Sundays –Some Sat-days. –HAPPY TANNING GIRLS– FROM ME P.S. –I LOVE YOU–
[pin drop]
Uhhmm. I’m sure I’m not alone here when I say, “WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT SHIT?!”
Did he just suggest that I ingest Olive Oil for safer tanning — even going so far as to enlighten me to the fact that I may need to sit on the toilet the first two times??! (This deserves a little more emphasis: !?!?!?!)
And black olives give you darker skin, eh? I bet that’s something his mother told him so that he’d eat them as a kid. We used to have “Wonder Woman Peas” and my sister would eat them furiously (so I’m told). I wonder if green olives would turn your skin… green.
And while we’re talking about cocktail garnishes, what the hell is up with onions in your drinks? That shit is bananas.
Sorry. Off on a tangent.
Ed, while we appreciate your, um… spoken-word style tips on how to be better at being ladies, why don’t you leave it to us. It does sound like you’ve got LOADS of expertise, and it looks like you’ve probably got some thick thighs of your own, but I think we’re just looking for someone a little less… Weird.
Sardines for thicker thighs? Sounds like a fad diet I am not interested in. Ew.
One more thing to note — instead of just clicking “any” on all of the categories for things he’s looking for in a woman, Ed has elected to select ALL of the options. I mean, I get it. If someone went to your profile and the entire list for what you’re looking for said “any” all the way down, it makes you sound desperate, right? Ed! You smart motherfucker! You almost had me tricked! Now, instead of just being desperate, you’re also conniving and/or stupid.
What color hair should your woman have, Ed?
I’ve really got a penchant for a woman with Auburn, Black, Blonde, Light Brown, Dark Brown, Red, White/gray, or A little gray hair.
How tall should she be? And what kind of body type?
Really, Jami, she’s got to be between 3′ 1″ to 7′ 10″ and Slim, Slender, Average, Athletic, Fit, Thick, A few extra pounds, Large, or Voluptuous. There isn’t any wiggle room there — sorry ladies! You can’t help what you’re attracted to, right?
Read: Ed is attracted to someone who is/was/resembles a woman. ‘Nuff said.
So, ladies… Holla if you’re at Sandy Hook Beach on Sunday.
Tweet This
Digg This
Save to delicious
Stumble it
23 Comments
Me thinks my brain just broke.
Maybe it’s like scat poetry and we aren’t smart enough to get it. I mean, obviously, this guy is pretty buff and intelligent with several “invensions”. He likely has some sort of doctorate degree and doesn’t want to be cocky about it.
Love it or hate it?
0 
0
Hey, I’ve got a gob – and reel breasts (saving up for the corrective surgery on those, though). If I reverse-engineer his advice and lay off the seafood will my thighs get thinner?
Love it or hate it?
0 
0
No, no, no, no, don’t you see the logic there? Greeks like black olives, and Greeks have darker skin, so OBVIOUSLY it’s all because of the olives! Hello! Ed’s got it all figured out!
Yipes.
Love it or hate it?
0 
0
I think baby Jesus is crying.
Love it or hate it?
0 
0
This is still as amazing as it was the night I found it.
Please note Sandy Hook is a nude beach.
Love it or hate it?
0 
0
WTF! There are actually people like that?
WOW!
My brain hurts.
Love it or hate it?
0 
0
Oh the lulz. Only a truck driver. …
Love it or hate it?
0 
0
ugggggggh…..Sandy Hook is forever ruined for me. And for those of you not from the great and dirty jerz, not ALL of SH is nudist, just the northern most beach (it’s an island) by the coast guard facility. You can also kind of see the Statue of Liberty from this beach, so its a mix of the very best and apparently, the very worst views ever.
Love it or hate it?
0 
0
Umm…Ed appears to be standing next to the pharmacy counter in a very well known drug store. He also doesn’t appear to be posing for a passport or ID photo (a service that chain offers) which leads me to believe that a) he works there or b) he randomly chose the pharmacy area of Walgreens to get his dating profile pic taken. If a) I want to know which Walgreens because I don’t want that motherfucker anywhere NEAR my medications; if b) well….that just adds a whole other dimension of ‘fucked up’, you know?
Love it or hate it?
0 
0
Interesting, Karen. He actually mentions in his profile blurb that he has a passport, so maybe that WAS his passport photo. And yeah, sad.
Love it or hate it?
0 
0
THANK GOODNESS Ed told us which endorsements he has on his truck driver’s license! I mean, everyone has the HNT and the PORT ones, but it’s so hard to find a man these days with the all-important TWIK endorsement.
Do you think Ed’s “in-Vensions” include his tanning instructions?
.-= FunnyGal KAT´s last blog ..Things the world needs: Exit Interview for Ex’s =-.
Love it or hate it?
0 
0
I want to know what kind of “reel” breasts. There is more than kind of reel, like a fishing reel. I also want to know if I can call my weight way over 100 or just close to it, I think I would like to say close to 100 since I am way over it…And if the ocean is really a fountain of youth, how come all those old people with saggy skin were at the beach last time I was there?
.-= Michelle´s last blog ..Random Thoughts Tuesday =-.
Love it or hate it?
0 
0
Is it just me, or does it look like he’s shaved his arms? Perhaps to promote more even tanning?
Love it or hate it?
0 
0
My vagina is in the process of sewing itself up now. Thanks, Jami. Much cheaper than an IUD.
.-= Sabra´s last blog ..Hey, just so you know =-.
Love it or hate it?
0 
0
i wish i COULD figure OUT the randomNESS of his CAPITALIZATION
Love it or hate it?
0 
0
WTF?
.-= Asha´s last blog ..It’s the Little Things =-.
Love it or hate it?
0 
0
OMG that was the funniest thing I’ve read all day! Olives for tanned skin! Sardines for thick thighs!
Never mind his horrendous speeeeeeling!
Still laughing…
Love it or hate it?
0 
0
girl, u are killing me!! I am laughing so hard…and thanking god that he hasn’t depleted the gene pool.
Love it or hate it?
0 
0
Not only do I have a “reel” breast – I have two of them! But I got the thick thighs without sardines (ew!)…
OMG vomit.
Love it or hate it?
0 
0
For a long time I couldn’t get past his “glow in the dark” eyes and putting him in the Total Eclipse of the Heart video. Holy shit.
.-= Nita´s last blog ..Therapy Fund Started? Check. =-.
Love it or hate it?
0 
0
That film clip is hilarious! You need to watch the literal version if you haven’t seen it, on youtube. I actually had to stop it half way through to catch my breath, I was laughing so much.
Love it or hate it?
0 
0
Has anyone called OSHA about that fucking train wreck of a person yet cuz that shit’s toxic?!!
Dayummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
Love it or hate it?
0 
0
epic. I dont know wtf that was about, but, it was hilarious.
Love it or hate it?
0 
0