Seriously, when I read this submission… I was just breathless. Literally, jaw gaping… Eyes wide. I had to consciously think about taking a breath in.
It’s THAT bad. But of course, you decide 
Everyone, I present to you, Ed — master of words:
Ed is a 44 year old single man from Hackettstown, NJ. He has never been married and does not have any children, though he wants them. He’s also a Gemini and a self-proclaimed “life of the party/sidekick”. But enough from me… Take it Ed!
Hi From 45 year old Male –glow in the dark blue eyes– choclate brown hair 5,11 tall 240 Pounds Very Healthy Male,Exersize Ride Bike Swimming In summer. / CDL driver 20 years ENDORSMENTS- HNT PASS PORT TWIK CARD / honey bees / plus I have in-Vensions too / dering the summer I like LOVE/ the beach I Go To Sandy Hook NJ Beach G. Its A Clothing Optional Beach Its The Best –THE OCEAN IS THE FOUNTIAN OF YOUTH– Swim Sun-tan Salt Water –HOW TO SUN TAN SAFLY AT Clothing Optional BEACH –Sun-tanning Bring Un-brela -lotion -water -Add Olive Oil TO YOUR DIET –MIX WITH WATER- DRINK IT– –SIT ON –TOILET– FIRST 2 TIMES- –PLUS EAT BLACK OLIVE TO TINT SKIN HOPE FULY JUST STARTED THAT INGREDEANT– AT the Beach You Will Swett Oil –NO DRIED SKIN– For Deep Tanning. My Ideal Woman Is Healthy Way over 100 pounds or Close to it. And Have A gob & Drivers Licence –Age 18 To 35 Reel Breast –Thick– –Thighs– / How To Make Thighs Big And Round Eat Sea Food 75% –SARDINES BEING THE BEST –LONG LASTING STOREGE– PLUS SHOP-WRITE BLACK CHOCLATE MUFFIN– Best Results Lay Down Leg Curles –FRON & BACK– Swiming –No Tite Clothing –Scurt– Thong Under Wear– Please –CONTACT ME– Good Or Bad I Want To Hear From You. —I Will Be At Beach G Sandy Hook Most Sundays –Some Sat-days. –HAPPY TANNING GIRLS– FROM ME P.S. –I LOVE YOU–
[pin drop]
Uhhmm. I’m sure I’m not alone here when I say, “WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT SHIT?!”
Did he just suggest that I ingest Olive Oil for safer tanning — even going so far as to enlighten me to the fact that I may need to sit on the toilet the first two times??! (This deserves a little more emphasis: !?!?!?!)
And black olives give you darker skin, eh? I bet that’s something his mother told him so that he’d eat them as a kid. We used to have “Wonder Woman Peas” and my sister would eat them furiously (so I’m told). I wonder if green olives would turn your skin… green.
And while we’re talking about cocktail garnishes, what the hell is up with onions in your drinks? That shit is bananas.
Sorry. Off on a tangent.
Ed, while we appreciate your, um… spoken-word style tips on how to be better at being ladies, why don’t you leave it to us. It does sound like you’ve got LOADS of expertise, and it looks like you’ve probably got some thick thighs of your own, but I think we’re just looking for someone a little less… Weird.
Sardines for thicker thighs? Sounds like a fad diet I am not interested in. Ew.
One more thing to note — instead of just clicking “any” on all of the categories for things he’s looking for in a woman, Ed has elected to select ALL of the options. I mean, I get it. If someone went to your profile and the entire list for what you’re looking for said “any” all the way down, it makes you sound desperate, right? Ed! You smart motherfucker! You almost had me tricked! Now, instead of just being desperate, you’re also conniving and/or stupid.
What color hair should your woman have, Ed?
I’ve really got a penchant for a woman with Auburn, Black, Blonde, Light Brown, Dark Brown, Red, White/gray, or A little gray hair.
How tall should she be? And what kind of body type?
Really, Jami, she’s got to be between 3′ 1″ to 7′ 10″ and Slim, Slender, Average, Athletic, Fit, Thick, A few extra pounds, Large, or Voluptuous. There isn’t any wiggle room there — sorry ladies! You can’t help what you’re attracted to, right?
Read: Ed is attracted to someone who is/was/resembles a woman. ‘Nuff said.
So, ladies… Holla if you’re at Sandy Hook Beach on Sunday.
