Epic

Remember the 6000 Word Personal Ad? Or Timothy Dean Mills?

This is… [exhale] This is worse. I know it’s hard to believe, but this is actually worse, I think. You can give me your vote of course.

The website is titled Finding My Goddess and, whew lord… She will likely have to be some kind of other-worldly being in order to be able to materialize and meet this man’s wish list. Hole-crayup.

I am not going to post his whole page for you here, because shit. I’ve got bandwidth to consider now, right? Hehe! Here’s a few excerpts from the self-professed flamboyant romantic himself:

Here's a picture he included from 1999. Yea, just like the song, the picture is a bit outdated.

I am on the brink of a large-scale financial success that many people believe will escalate me, over the next decade, from member of the middle class—to billionaire.

So what you’re saying here, Mark, is that you are poor right now, but you’re gonna be a wrinkly old rich dude one day? Mmhmm. Ok, go on.

Additionally, marriage includes financial and legal dimensions, and the complexities of my Global Vision will necessitate a pre-nuptial agreement. I will be generous, giving the Goddess I seek 100% legal control over an appropriate portion of the anticipated wealth.

Oh, DAMN! You’ve just excluded nearly 80% of the female population in southern California with that dirty word, pre-nuptial. [shudder]

I’m looking for someone who thinks not.

Um… Like… Yoda?

[Here he puts a list, with bullet-points, as if it's a business plan, of the qualities his goddess should have. Well, at least he does clarify that she doesn't need to have ALL of them, just... You know, most of 'em]

I would prefer someone who spends more like 1 or 2 hours per day on such practices (as I have been doing for 35 years), and I think 15 minutes is pretty minimal for a Goddess.

The following do NOT count towards my 15-minute-per-day minimum because, although they can have great value (especially when done in conjunction with the above-listed practices), they generally do not dig nearly as deep into the consciousness: reading scriptures (e.g. the Bible), spiritual books or spiritual articles; attendance at church, temple, mosque, study groups, religious meetings or spiritual lectures (or listening to recordings of the same); listening to or singing sacred music; yoga postures (asanas); physical exercise; charitable work (seva); dietary cleansing; “talk therapy,” chiropractic, homeopathy, naturopathy, ayurveda, acupuncture, massage, psychic surgery, light healing, astrology or feng shui.

She is NOT a Scientologist.

You mean I can’t just rearrange my furniture and sit on the floor and do “yoga” before I take my colon-blaster cleanser pill? Damn. This new age mo’fo’ is STRICT. But c’mon Mark. Everybody knows that Scientologists only date other Scientologists! It’s in the RULEZ!

Her home is clean, orderly and uncluttered. However, if she has small children living with her, messes caused by her kids are okay.

Does it matter if the small children that live with me, making a mess of my house, are ACTUALLY my kids? Or can they just be random neighborhood kids? Does my roommate qualify if she’s really short?

Loot de doot doo doot -- oh! Hi there! Yes, you can take my picture for my website.

If she has been a prostitute, that is GOOD!! We can discuss it at length. I have written a book (not yet published) entitled, Resurrecting the Innocence in Prostitutes. Fascinating topic! And it’s an important part of my Global Vision.

[record skipping] Ahhh’what? This is a book I will have to read. Too bad it’s not in print. Are you waiting until you make your billions to get it published or is it something you print off from kinkos and have them put one of those little plastic binding combs on it to distribute to the hookers you run into?

The lady I seek somehow KNOWS deep down inside that if she surrenders herself to the right man and is worshipped by him as a Goddess in just the right way, she can move mountains…. she can move the whole world! She WANTS to make this sexual magic happen and to bless the world with the resulting miracles

Uhhmmm. Mark, I gotta tell you. I’m getting a little uneasy with this whole “surrender” talk. Could you clarify for me what you mean? Maybe if you explain it, it won’t be as uncomfortable. I mean, sexual magic does sound kind of fun. I like balloon animals.

She is WILLING to surrender and be worshipped as a Goddess.
She is WANTING to surrender and be worshipped as a Goddess.
She is WAITING to surrender and be worshipped as a Goddess.

Oh, Well I guess I was wrong. This is really making me uncomfortable now, Mark. Really. Would you please stop staring at me like that? Why don’t we move on, okay? Tell me a little about yourself.

Gallant. INTENSELY romantic. Perfect gentleman.Flamboyant!

Flamboyant with an exclamation point? Ok… That is pretty convincing. What else?

Extremely passionate tantra master who does not ejaculate (except on rare occasions). Stay fully hard through multiple male orgasms without ejaculating. Can and will genuinely DELIVER “so many times you lose count,” as stated above. Vasectomy (but I can have it reversed).

Picture title is "closeup+intelligent" ... Can we tack-on a little "+creepy" on the end of that?

Um. [looking around] I, uhhh… That’s really great, Mark. I’m sure there are tons of men out there that would aspire to be, as um… Disciplined (?) as you are. Ejaculating is so over-rated.

I am intensely chivalrous, and, if you date me, you are required to respond to my chivalry as a LADY. You are the GIRL. Chivalry is about you allowing me to HONOR the girl in you. This means you let ME walk on the street side of the sidewalk, and you let ME open all doors for you (including when you are exiting from my car). It means you let ME decide where I would like to take you (e.g. what restaurant, what concert, what hotel, etc.), and when I tell you where I would like to take you, you tell me your FEELINGS with the understanding that if I sense that you are uncomfortable or disappointed with my offer, then I will change it because my goal is to make you HAPPY. It means that when I offer you flowers and gifts, you accept them graciously…. you should have empty vases in your home. It means that you let ME pay for everything on our dates, even if you have a lot more money than I do. It means if we are at a restaurant and I am hungry and you are busy talking, that when our food finally arrives you realize that YOU must take the first bite, and by ignoring your food as you keep yacking away you are making me starve!

[silence] Alright. *ahem* So you’re, um… Old fashioned. Okay. [exhale]

Now I need to warn you that three extremely popular things are not a part of my life:

Rock Music. I dislike rock music. I came of age in the 1960s and never liked it. It saps my energy and turns me off.

Television. I have saved YEARS of time by avoiding TV.

Pets. I’m not a pet person. Physical contact with animals (especially dogs) drains my energy.

But I’m funny! I will make you laugh… lots.

Oh no! You mean, you won’t like my dog? But he can actually SAY “Rock’N Roll”! Maaaark! C’mon! He doesn’t like TV! He’s also VERY funny. Very. He will make you laugh…lots. Well, Mark. I really need to get going. We’re well over the 1000-word mark here, and I just can’t punish my readers any longer.

God bless you. May the Goddess within you come forth into the world and fully express her exquisite Goddess-Self.

Uhm. Yea. Thanks. Namaste and some shit.

Oh, and his million excuse me, billion dollar idea? I think it has something to do with dropping acid… And cotton candy. Or maybe unicorns or some shit. I’m not really clear. Maybe computers?

http://www.angelbase.com/ is the website for his, um… We’ll just call it his “project”.

I can’t really tell you anything about this “project” other than it’s going to be bigger than Apple or some shit and that it’s behind schedule and still seeking investors.

What I can tell you is this: it’s NOT GOOD for the children.

Oh wait, no. I think that’s whatever thing he’s using his computers to fight against that isn’t good for the children. It’s hard to focus with the pastel regurgiation thing that is happening over there. [barf] There I go.

The very best part? He lists his job title as Chief Angel.

AWESOME.

You can read another blog about this old dude here. From the guy who has a similar writing style to the guy who brought you Why Women Hate Men & Will Not Get You Laid — It’s pretty damn funny, too.

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