“Only lovely ladies need to massage me.”
Worst Wrecks — By Jami on July 2, 2009 at 8:00 am
WOW. You guys, most of the time when someone sends me a submission for a lady wreck, I have a hard time. I can somehow find a way to excuse their behavior… “Well, clearly, this girl never got love as a child!” or something like that.
Call it what you will, but I think I’m programmed to side with the bitchez. What are you gonna do?
This girl, however? OH MY GOD.
I have found while reading through her profile today that I am having NO TROUBLE ripping it up with my clever one-liner style.
Will from Cumming, GA sent this one to me (Yes, the city is called Cumming but no, it’s not very cool).
Let’s partake together, shall we? See if you can make it all the way through her profile before you have to scroll and comment? For the record, I couldn’t make it.
eatinpuss
31 / f / bisexual / available
Jonesboro, Georgia (15Â miles)
The Skinny
Ethnicity: Black, White
Height: 5′ 3″ (1.60m).
Looking For: New friends, Activity partners, Casual encounters (sex partners)
Smokes: Trying to quit
Drinks: Sometimes
Education: Working on two-year college
Kids: Has children
Languages: English
My Self-Summary
very out-going open minded flirty women who’s just here lookin 2 find new female friends maybe a lil more. yes i have a man who’s knows all about my sexuality and loves it! so if u wanna taste of the best of both worlds cum halla at me. IT’S NOT A GAME WE REALLY JUST WANT 2 MEET COOL PEOPLE WHO R DOWN 2 EARTH WITH A REAL DEAL PERSONALITY
What I’m doing with my life
right now I’m a stylist/homemaker who enjoys the simple things in life I will be furthering my education next yr. i want 2 be a dental assistant, or secretary i’m extremely confident and motivated so the skies the limit!
I’m really good at
COOKING, LOVING,JOKING,LISTENING,HEARING,AND MAKING MIND BLOWING BODY QUIVERING ORGASMS JUST WHEN U LEAST EXPECT IT.
The first thing(s) people usually notice about me
my big eyes people love, my smile teeth, my quite but friendly nature,ohh cant forget my big ole breast!
My favorite books, movies, music, and food
woman thou art loosed by t.d. jakes, the abundant life by puala white. MUSIC SOME RAP AND HIP-HOP LOVE R&B SOME ROCK REGGEA AND SOME ELEVATER MUSIC IT ALL DEPENDS ON MY MOOD
The six things I could never do without
food,body shaking orgasms,,love,my kids,not in that order kids first.ohh! cant forget my peace of mind. watching the sun set with a good friend AND INTERNET
I spend a lot of time thinking about
my future, sex, money, how 2 make life easier and finding a true friend. TO HAVE SEX WITH/OR NOT. MAKE MY LIFE EASIER AND ENJOY FRIENDSHIP AND ALL ITS WONDER AS I RETURN ALL THE FAVORS 2 THEM. I REALLY SPEND 2 MUCH TIME WISHING I WAS RICH & FAMOUS
On a typical Friday night I am
home watching t.v. or on my patio dreaming of traveling far away. or just on-line seeking the perfect partner 2 EXPLORE THIS CRAZY WORLD WE LIVE IN
The most private thing I’m willing to admit here
i want a breast reduction cause they real big! they hurt my back
You should message me if
u know what u want and how 2 get it. u real about who,what,where and how u r look and want 2 meet soon. please no imature lil girls only lovely ladies need to massage me. WHO ARE INTERESTED IN ME AND WILLING TO GET TO KNOW MY MAN 2 HE’S REAL COOL U’LL LIKE HIM.
Holy fucking hell, you guys. I’m… I’m not even sure where to start, so we’ll just follow a chronological order, okay?
Oh wait, I want to share her journal entry with you as well. You may need to prepare for this by fixing yourself a VERY strong cocktail.
EUPHORIA AND ME
I LOOK EVERY WHERE TRYIN 2 FIND A PEACE OF YOUR UNMEASURABLE PLEASURE THAT CARESS MY MIND. BEEN 2 HELL AND BACK YEARNING 4 YOUR SWEET ADDICTIVE TOUCH OH! HOW I MISS U SO MUCH. NOTHING COMPARES TO U BEING THERE I THINK I’M IN LOVE NO MAYBE LUST DAMN U GIVE ME A RUSH. I WISH IT COULD JUST B ME & U TOGETHER FOREVER DOIN THE DO. YET LATELY YOU’VE BEEN LEAVING ME SO FAST THAT I DO ANYTHING 2 MAKE IT LAST. EVEN SMOKIN THOSE THINGS 20 IN A PACK JUST 2 BRING U BACK. BUT U DON’T STAY THAT LONG I WONDERED WHATS WRONG I DREAM OF HOLDING U ALL NITE LONG. MAYBE I’M JUST GREEDY OF 2 NEEDY OR MAYBE YOUR JUST STINGY. I DID SO MANY THINGS 2 KEEP U HERE WITH ME,NOW I’M SITTING IN THIS CELL LIKE DAMN! I’M ADDICTED TO YOUR EMBRACE BUT I DIDN’T KNOW YOU WOULD BE THE REASON WHY I CAUGHT THIS CASE. WHEN I GET OUT I’M NOT RUNNING THIS CRAZY RACE 2 FIND U WHEN U WHEN U WERE ALWAYS THERE HIDING BEHIND MY FACE.
Alright. I think I need a minute to regroup. Synchronize watches… GO! Be back in two.
*flushing toilet*…. *running water*…. *tearing papertowel*…
Hey! Welcome back.
Alright, so let’s start at the top — her name. [deeeeep inhale] Eatinpuss? Oh shit, man. That is not okay. Firstaball, I HATE it when people call pussies “puss”. I cannot help but read it like pus and my mind immediately goes towards swelling infected sores leaking fluids and oozing. GAG. That is NOT what my pussy is, thankyouverymuch. Secondly, if I was a lesbian, I would NEVER date a woman that talked to me like this bitch. It’s like, there’s a guido douche bag stuck inside this black lady! “We’re gettin’ some pussy tonight — got my new haircut!” I know she’s just looking for sex, but dammit biatch, respect a bitch!
Moving on… There seems to be an internal struggle going on inside this broad’s BRANE! Some random assortment of sentence FRAGMENTS coupled WITH REALLY WEIRD SENTENCES THAT ARE DISJOINTED AND IN ALL CAPS. At first, I thought it was because this bitch was cray-zay. Then I thought, maybe it’s her husband chiming in his DELICATE MANLY WAY. After a while though, you start to think that maybe the people behind the voices have kind of forgotten who they are at all. It’s quite perplexing.
Now the specifics: The skies the limit? You’re going to school to become a secretary… Seriously, guys, I’m not saying that it can’t be a hard job… High stress, whatever. It depends on who you work with. But, in general, you’re implementing really basic skills here. Way to aim high, dude.
Ok, I don’t know about you guys, but it’s pretty much standard for me to have orgasms during sex. I’m not one of those girls that takes a half an hour of revving the engine, ifyouknowwhatImean. Generally speaking, when you have sex, you’re expecting orgasms though, right? So, she’s planning on delivering “MIND BLOWING BODY QUIVERING ORGASMS” when you least expect it…? Like… In line at the bank? During my great aunt’s funeral? I really don’t think that’s a selling point. I mean, at the bank, there’s going to be people in line… Waiting… Stressed out. I think I’m going to have a hard time relaxing, darling. And it’s never okay to try to make someone climax at a funeral. (You guys can quote me on that one).
And the mental image that comes to mind during her “The first thing people notice about me” paragraph is some kind of one-tittied monster with six rows of teeth that talks like a caveman: “These are my smile teeth! These are my eat teeth!These are my baby teeth! I have one big ol breast! RRRRAWWWRR!”
She also likes elevator music. /faceslap Maybe she means classical music? Or Genesis. One of the two.
This sentence literally made me shake with the giggles for ten minutes: “i want a breast reduction cause they real big! they hurt my back” and that probably means I’m going to hell. Convulsions, people. And I’m at work right now. People are looking at me like, “Is Jami having a seizure? Should we go check on her?”
And her… prose? In her journal entry…? HOLY HELL. If you try REALLY hard, you can start to understand what she’s talking about. It helps if you read it outloud TO someone. That helped me. The gist, the writer is IN JAIL. So, either this girl or her man wrote this (on a piece of toilet paper?) whilst incarcerated and then AFTER THEY WERE RELEASED, transcribed it onto their personal ad.
[stunned]
The end is niiiiiiigh! The end is niiiiiiiigh!
From The Vault
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26 Comments
“it’s never okay to try to make someone climax at a funeral.” – I a totally stitching that onto a sampler.
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I couldn’t make it past her being good at “hearing” right after listening and noticing her “smile teeth”. I don’t know if I can continue. That picture of her dreaming of me is going to haunt mine. Dear lord, what the hell is wrong with people?!
.-= Adriana´s last blog ..She’s a beauty in disguise. She’s a diamond in the rough. =-.
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Call me crazy, but I was kind feeling a little bit of a rap in her journal entry with the rhymes and whatnot. Still… ugh.
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DOIN THE DO
The dudes are going to love it when I pull that one out.
.-= Adriana´s last blog ..She’s a beauty in disguise. She’s a diamond in the rough. =-.
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BTW, in case you want the sampler pattern so you can make your own, it’s here: http://vilafamily.com/sampler.pdf
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Tony, I almost just died. My heart stopped. I choked on my coffee. I laughed. Hard.
Thank you for that. HAHAHAHAHA I think we found our newest Date Wrecks T-Shirt.
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A Cumming man, you say?
I thought that was your favorite kind.
http://www.instantrimshot.com
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HaHa! Christopher! I want that sound file on a button that I wear on a chain around my neck. Do you know how cool (read: annoying) that would be?!
And I’ve been to Cumming once. I got lost leaving Lake Lanier. It’s not something I want to try again. YOU CAN’T EVEN HEAR THE CITY FROM THERE!!!!! I was panicking!
Adriana… I think I might make that one into a tshirt design, too. lol
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http://photos-f.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc1/hs175.snc1/6580_124224432994_773577994_2990581_4485123_n.jpg
What’s the consensus?
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I’m not even done, so far:
1 – ninja orgasms
2 – smile teeth
3 – her big breast…singular
.-= Nita´s last blog .. =-.
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Oh good lord, she only lives a few miles from me. I better make sure to keep my legs crossed when I’m out running errands in case she gives me a stealth orgasm when I least expect it. Damn, and I need to go to the bank today.
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be CAREFUL Katie!
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That 52″ flat screen looks like its ready to fly all the way back to Rent-A-Center.
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Cumming’s cooler than Jami wants to admit, not our fault she got lost on her way home – get a GPS! :-p
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I think cumming is AWESOME, lol.
But seriously — there are NO black people in Cumming, everything is commercialized and chain-restaurant-y and it’s full of snooty white people. Oh and it’s like an hour north of the city. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhteepee.
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See, in regards to the journal entry, I was thinking the cell was metaphorical. Or maybe related to that “case” she caught. I’m afraid to ask what it’s a case of, KWIM?
.-= Sabra´s last blog ..Motorcycle Safety from Cracked.com =-.
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i’m not sure why she spends her time wishing she were rich and famous when so clearly she is married to Carl Winslow from Family MAtters.
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DID I DO THAT?
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How far do her ninja skills apply, do you figure? Am I okay to go to the bank up here on the West Coast of Canada? Ah hell, she probably don’t know where that is, I’ll risk it. I need money.
Tony V, I heart you with giant pink hearts flying around my head. Seriously. I think my eyes turned into little hearts, too.
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I didn’t make it to the bottom either. This part killed me:
ohh cant forget my big ole breast
LOL she only has one??
.-= Becky´s last blog ..More from Tom Jones’ Homeland =-.
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It’s funny when most people wants their boobies augmented while she prefers to lessen it.
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I lost it when I got to “smile teeth”. Nice smile-teeth, lady! Do you like my mouth-words?
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oh muh gawd. could it be possible to get any more tshirt designs out of this broad? my artist’s mind is all a twitter.
going to get NO work done tomorrow! haha
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ruh-roh. i’m askeered to go to target lest the ninja orgasm attacks…you think kroger is safe?
(and yes, i do live in cumming…and i have to mostly agree with your assessment, jami.)
~
tracey
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Love the shirt design, James.
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Am I the only one that thinks she looks like Rick James in the last photo?
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