“Only lovely ladies need to massage me.”

WOW. You guys, most of the time when someone sends me a submission for a lady wreck, I have a hard time. I can somehow find a way to excuse their behavior… “Well, clearly, this girl never got love as a child!” or something like that.

Call it what you will, but I think I’m programmed to side with the bitchez. What are you gonna do?

This girl, however? OH MY GOD.

I have found while reading through her profile today that I am having NO TROUBLE ripping it up with my clever one-liner style.

Will from Cumming, GA sent this one to me (Yes, the city is called Cumming but no, it’s not very cool).

Let’s partake together, shall we? See if you can make it all the way through her profile before you have to scroll and comment? For the record, I couldn’t make it.

eatinpuss

31 / f / bisexual / available

Jonesboro, Georgia (15Ã‚ miles)

The Skinny

Ethnicity: Black, White

Height: 5′ 3″ (1.60m).

Looking For: New friends, Activity partners, Casual encounters (sex partners)

Smokes: Trying to quit

Drinks: Sometimes

Education: Working on two-year college

Kids: Has children

Languages: English

My Self-Summary

very out-going open minded flirty women who’s just here lookin 2 find new female friends maybe a lil more. yes i have a man who’s knows all about my sexuality and loves it! so if u wanna taste of the best of both worlds cum halla at me. IT’S NOT A GAME WE REALLY JUST WANT 2 MEET COOL PEOPLE WHO R DOWN 2 EARTH WITH A REAL DEAL PERSONALITY

What I’m doing with my life

right now I’m a stylist/homemaker who enjoys the simple things in life I will be furthering my education next yr. i want 2 be a dental assistant, or secretary i’m extremely confident and motivated so the skies the limit!

I’m really good at

COOKING, LOVING,JOKING,LISTENING,HEARING,AND MAKING MIND BLOWING BODY QUIVERING ORGASMS JUST WHEN U LEAST EXPECT IT.

The first thing(s) people usually notice about me

my big eyes people love, my smile teeth, my quite but friendly nature,ohh cant forget my big ole breast!

My favorite books, movies, music, and food

woman thou art loosed by t.d. jakes, the abundant life by puala white. MUSIC SOME RAP AND HIP-HOP LOVE R&B SOME ROCK REGGEA AND SOME ELEVATER MUSIC IT ALL DEPENDS ON MY MOOD

The six things I could never do without

food,body shaking orgasms,,love,my kids,not in that order kids first.ohh! cant forget my peace of mind. watching the sun set with a good friend AND INTERNET

I spend a lot of time thinking about

my future, sex, money, how 2 make life easier and finding a true friend. TO HAVE SEX WITH/OR NOT. MAKE MY LIFE EASIER AND ENJOY FRIENDSHIP AND ALL ITS WONDER AS I RETURN ALL THE FAVORS 2 THEM. I REALLY SPEND 2 MUCH TIME WISHING I WAS RICH & FAMOUS

On a typical Friday night I am

home watching t.v. or on my patio dreaming of traveling far away. or just on-line seeking the perfect partner 2 EXPLORE THIS CRAZY WORLD WE LIVE IN

The most private thing I’m willing to admit here

i want a breast reduction cause they real big! they hurt my back

You should message me if

u know what u want and how 2 get it. u real about who,what,where and how u r look and want 2 meet soon. please no imature lil girls only lovely ladies need to massage me. WHO ARE INTERESTED IN ME AND WILLING TO GET TO KNOW MY MAN 2 HE’S REAL COOL U’LL LIKE HIM.

Holy fucking hell, you guys. I’m… I’m not even sure where to start, so we’ll just follow a chronological order, okay?

Oh wait, I want to share her journal entry with you as well. You may need to prepare for this by fixing yourself a VERY strong cocktail.

EUPHORIA AND ME

I LOOK EVERY WHERE TRYIN 2 FIND A PEACE OF YOUR UNMEASURABLE PLEASURE THAT CARESS MY MIND. BEEN 2 HELL AND BACK YEARNING 4 YOUR SWEET ADDICTIVE TOUCH OH! HOW I MISS U SO MUCH. NOTHING COMPARES TO U BEING THERE I THINK I’M IN LOVE NO MAYBE LUST DAMN U GIVE ME A RUSH. I WISH IT COULD JUST B ME & U TOGETHER FOREVER DOIN THE DO. YET LATELY YOU’VE BEEN LEAVING ME SO FAST THAT I DO ANYTHING 2 MAKE IT LAST. EVEN SMOKIN THOSE THINGS 20 IN A PACK JUST 2 BRING U BACK. BUT U DON’T STAY THAT LONG I WONDERED WHATS WRONG I DREAM OF HOLDING U ALL NITE LONG. MAYBE I’M JUST GREEDY OF 2 NEEDY OR MAYBE YOUR JUST STINGY. I DID SO MANY THINGS 2 KEEP U HERE WITH ME,NOW I’M SITTING IN THIS CELL LIKE DAMN! I’M ADDICTED TO YOUR EMBRACE BUT I DIDN’T KNOW YOU WOULD BE THE REASON WHY I CAUGHT THIS CASE. WHEN I GET OUT I’M NOT RUNNING THIS CRAZY RACE 2 FIND U WHEN U WHEN U WERE ALWAYS THERE HIDING BEHIND MY FACE.

Alright. I think I need a minute to regroup. Synchronize watches… GO! Be back in two.

*flushing toilet*…. *running water*…. *tearing papertowel*…

Hey! Welcome back.

Alright, so let’s start at the top — her name. [deeeeep inhale] Eatinpuss? Oh shit, man. That is not okay. Firstaball, I HATE it when people call pussies “puss”. I cannot help but read it like pus and my mind immediately goes towards swelling infected sores leaking fluids and oozing. GAG. That is NOT what my pussy is, thankyouverymuch. Secondly, if I was a lesbian, I would NEVER date a woman that talked to me like this bitch. It’s like, there’s a guido douche bag stuck inside this black lady! “We’re gettin’ some pussy tonight — got my new haircut!” I know she’s just looking for sex, but dammit biatch, respect a bitch!

Moving on… There seems to be an internal struggle going on inside this broad’s BRANE! Some random assortment of sentence FRAGMENTS coupled WITH REALLY WEIRD SENTENCES THAT ARE DISJOINTED AND IN ALL CAPS. At first, I thought it was because this bitch was cray-zay. Then I thought, maybe it’s her husband chiming in his DELICATE MANLY WAY. After a while though, you start to think that maybe the people behind the voices have kind of forgotten who they are at all. It’s quite perplexing.

Now the specifics: The skies the limit? You’re going to school to become a secretary… Seriously, guys, I’m not saying that it can’t be a hard job… High stress, whatever. It depends on who you work with. But, in general, you’re implementing really basic skills here. Way to aim high, dude.

Ok, I don’t know about you guys, but it’s pretty much standard for me to have orgasms during sex. I’m not one of those girls that takes a half an hour of revving the engine, ifyouknowwhatImean. Generally speaking, when you have sex, you’re expecting orgasms though, right? So, she’s planning on delivering “MIND BLOWING BODY QUIVERING ORGASMS” when you least expect it…? Like… In line at the bank? During my great aunt’s funeral? I really don’t think that’s a selling point. I mean, at the bank, there’s going to be people in line… Waiting… Stressed out. I think I’m going to have a hard time relaxing, darling. And it’s never okay to try to make someone climax at a funeral. (You guys can quote me on that one).

And the mental image that comes to mind during her “The first thing people notice about me” paragraph is some kind of one-tittied monster with six rows of teeth that talks like a caveman: “These are my smile teeth! These are my eat teeth!These are my baby teeth! I have one big ol breast! RRRRAWWWRR!”

She also likes elevator music. /faceslap Maybe she means classical music? Or Genesis. One of the two.

This sentence literally made me shake with the giggles for ten minutes: “i want a breast reduction cause they real big! they hurt my back” and that probably means I’m going to hell. Convulsions, people. And I’m at work right now. People are looking at me like, “Is Jami having a seizure? Should we go check on her?”

And her… prose? In her journal entry…? HOLY HELL. If you try REALLY hard, you can start to understand what she’s talking about. It helps if you read it outloud TO someone. That helped me. The gist, the writer is IN JAIL. So, either this girl or her man wrote this (on a piece of toilet paper?) whilst incarcerated and then AFTER THEY WERE RELEASED, transcribed it onto their personal ad.

[stunned]