Ray of Sunshine

Must See.. Click – 24 (Louisville)

Hello Ladies,

Do you like quiet evenings sitting outside watching the sun set? Well you won’t be able to see it with two black eyes.

Do you enjoy romantic walks on deserted beaches barefoot, feeling the waves crash against your ankles and feet as we walk for miles and miles together and aimlessly? Well you won’t be able to if you’re in a wheelchair as a result of your punishment for misbehaving.

I am a man in my late 20’s seeking a woman in her early 20’s to cook for me, serve me and wait on me hand and foot to fulfill all of my manly needs. I want a woman who knows her place. A woman’s place is in the kitchen preparing my dinner while I expertly dominate my opponents in Madden ’08 on the XBOX 360. I play online, bitches.

My ideal woman will definitely know her way around the kitchen, but in my eyes she is worthless if she isn’t at least as useful in the bedroom. Oral and anal sex on at least a weekly basis are prerequisites for being my woman.

I also need my women to be able to take a punch. Sometimes even to the face. A women often needs to be reminded not to do certain things, like talk, for instance. Talking is punishable with a severe nose-dive right down the basement steps (at least that’s what you’ll tell the doctor, if I decide to let you go to one) on the first offense.

A woman needs to be nurturing to her man. This means a cold bottle of Pabst Blue Ribbon waiting when I arrive home from a hard day at the bar.

It’d be a good idea to get a part time job, but you’re only allowed to work when I am not home. You will need money to buy me things like beer and Doritos, and for the occasional hospital bill.

Sometimes I like to bang other girls. A man needs a little variety from time to time. I better not hear any bitching or moaning if I come home a little late (or not at all) every now and again.

If you’re over the age of 26 and you’re not married yet, there’s probably a reason for it. You’re probably not good enough to be married. You’ll end up settling for some divorced father of two that is eight years older than you just so you can feel needed and that you belong. If this describes you, don’t bother writing me. You are not good enough to be my woman.

My target woman is under 25, hot, with big boobies and a badonkadonk. I prefer no blondes, since they are completely fucking stupid. All of them. Each and every one of them are thoroughly brain-dead and useless. I don’t need you accidentally bearing my offspring in a moment of weakness. I don’t want to risk the chance that they will come out 50% retarded having inherited your half of the contaminated gene pool.

I am hot. Not like hot like a Backstreet Boy but hot like Dana Carvey from Wayne’s World. Except without the long hair and stupid glasses and faggy ‘I just swallowed a quart of semen’ voice.

Chicks dig me because I am tough and I know how to handle a woman. I want a woman who knows that when she deserves it she needs to be punished. I don’t need to be nagged when I am watching College football or WWE RAW or Dr. Phil: Medicine Woman. You need to shut your hole and know your role.

When my buddies come over for Monday Night Football, it is imperative that you leave the house during this time. I don’t steal cable TV from Comcast to have you coming around asking my friends, the MEN that came to MY HOUSE to visit ME if they’d like some popcorn during the game. NO, THEY DO NOT WANT YOUR FUCKING POPCORN, BITCH!!! Now get the fuck outside and scrape the dogpoop off of the back deck so none of my friends step in it when they go out to smoke at halftime. God damn woman, don’t you have any dignity?

If you think you have what it takes to be a receptacle for my sinister delight, write me and tell me in 50 words or less why you are woman enough for me.

If you are a prude, I’d also like to hear from you. It makes me feel good about myself to know that I have ruined a prude’s day.