I received a submission from Jessica this week and it was so incredible that I had to email him.
And no, not because he’s a wreck… But because he’s like… He’s like a Jami-caliber dater hater! He is an anonymous blogger that goes by The Personals Critic and writes a series showcased on the Vermont Craigslist weekly. Turns out, he’s really fucking cool (we’re facebook friends now, ha!)
His format is a little different than mine — dissecting a wrecky personal ad, line by line and delivering perfectly placed punches. I ::heart:: him!
Anyway, here’s a little taste of The Personal Critic (the wrecky personal is in bold, with the snarky commentary indented and in italics):
First:
“Im not quite not too sure on where to start…”
Not quite not too sure? Start by attempting to diagram that sentence.. You’ll need a protractor and a crowbar.
“Im a single mom of a 6 year old little boy, I take care of him by myself and hes my world.”
Once, just once I’d like to see someone who has the balls to write “I have kids, and I don’t really like them all that much. I put food into them, clean up what comes out of them, and in return they fuck up my house.”
“I am looking for a real man key word there”
I wonder how many different ways that sentence could be interpreted if it had just a little bit of punctuation. “I am looking for a real man key. Word there.” No, that can’t be it. “I am looking for a real man. Key word: ‘there’.” Nope, that doesn’t work either.
“To me a relationship should be 50/50 although there are some days the other may have to pull more for the other person and the other for the other person.”
How do we know which one of us is the other person? And the other for the other person? Is this a threesome? Do we have multiple personalities? Can any of them put a sentence together?
“I figure if a MAN cant handle me at my worst he doesnt deserve me at my best.”
I can’t handle you, I don’t deserve you, and don’t take this the wrong way, but I’m gonna run screaming from you. Next…
Second:
“I love to laugh and i love to be loved. Love to cuddle and just be with someone that i could love and that loves me back.“
Hateful girl, isn’t she? Isn’t it lovely when loving lovers love to love?
“looking for email friend ,to chat email about everyday things about our lifes .about everything talking that is ,someone to confide in .who has an open ear.and also understanding about todays life ,the stress econemy etc.“
In a word, whuh?
“maybe it could develop into more after we got to know each other threw the email each other”
Ah, that heightened level of intimacy after two people have thrown the e-mail at each other.
“I am a woma who knows what she wants…”
You’re a wombat? You’re Lee Anne Womack? Oh, you’re a Woma, you’re a python, endemic to Australia, reaching about 7 to 8 feet in length, and lacking the familiar looking heat sensing pits that most python have, making your head look more like a colubrid than a python. Shit, you’re my ex, aren’t you?
Third:
“I am into politics. I am neither liberal, nor conservative, nor moderate.”
Well then you know what? I don’t think you’re into politics. You’re not left, you’re not right, and you’re not in the middle. Do you exist?
“Come on down and let’s meet for a drink and chat. The worst that could happen? You’ve made a friend. J”
Technically, the worst that could happen would be that I have met my future stalker/murderer.
“No vegans please.”
Okay, this just fascinates me. No vegans? I’m a die hard carnivore, and always will be, but why would anyone give a shit whether or not someone else eats meat, cheese and eggs? “You will eat this omelette, and by God, you will enjoy it!” My next personal ad will say “Carbon footprint must meet or exceed my own.”
I’m going to feature more of TPC’s posts here on Saturdays — look for him! You can read a bit about this brilliant dude on his totally serious and factual bio at the bottom of my About tab at the top of the page. We’re also working out the details for something like a Profiling: He Said/She Said segment. Should be lots of fun!
If you want to be a featured guest blogger, get in touch man!
