So, this week has been an interesting week for PC and me… Highlight of the week: Somehow, I ended up giving PC’s dick a nick name. True story.
I’m not telling you what it is, though, if you follow me on Twitter, you already know.
ANYWAY, the intro that PC sent me was funnier than what I can come up with tonight, so here’s his:
PC: (Insert Jami’s pithy intro, followed by my slightly less pithy response.)
Jami: [seriously, this is how the conversation went] PC, what’s pithy?
[then some gratuitous patting on my head. He did finally tell me what pithy meant, though. Thanks for that, PC]
The Offender:
Hey! – 27 (Irving)
My name is Neil I live in Irving and I am 27, 6ft 250 lbs(BUILT).. I also have a precious baby girl 18 months old [He listed his daughter's name here, so I removed it, though, there's no helping this situation -- I also took the liberty to blur out his daughter's face]. Father’s Day I found out my Ex was cheating on me. We got married April 11th 2009! DO THE MATH! I am just looking for a new life(new people, new crowds). When my little bear was born my life changed. I don’t have any friends anymore literally(a couple guys that I consider as brothers but don’t really hang with much). Lookin for good people! TIRED OF CHEATIN, PRINCESS, THINKIN THEY ARE GODS GIFT TO EARTH, BETTER THAN OTHER PEOPLE CAUSE YOU ARE HOT, EXCESSIVE PARTYIN women. Not that I do not like to PARTY. Just drugs and excessive wanting to be wasted all the time! You can’t put responsibilities and obligations before your partying type stuff, I’m sure you get the point. Anyways GOD I LOVE MY BABY!!!! I am so sad I don’t get to spend every waking second with her. But we have a good arrangement, I have my bear every other weekend and EVERY weeknight(I had her 5 days of this week) my ex is workin at hooters(which by the way is where our relationship got trashed! Fighting all the time about bringin entire kitchen crew and other hooter girls over after work at 2am partying wakin up my baby people throwin up on my carpet and she has school {starts skipping, while we are trying to build a life for our daughter!} the next mornin and I have to work! which is cool on occasion and weekends! But almost EVERY single night you work! I have a baby to pamper, raise, love!) Anyways she is totally moved on, got her own apartment and dating. So believe me when I say there is NO BABY MAMA DRAMA! She has totally moved on, as have I! I am soooo honest(sometimes brutally), fun, loving, sweet, generous, and good looking. I have a jet ski, love camping, grilling, hiking, watching movies, all that good stuff. Write back if you want. Or whatever. My myspace is myspace.com/i3rdcoast . Or if you got any other questions hit me up. Later,
Neil M
SEND ME A PICTURE BACK!!!
PRETTY PLEASE.
IT IS VERY ANNOYING TO SIT HERE AND TALK TO A BUNCH OF SPAM. They are bugging the hell out of me!
They are getting relentless! I had one SPAMMER conversate like 4 messages back to me then be like “oh come to this site, so i know you are safe and I’ll show you my pics! PUNKS!
Anyways, Bye Ladies
PC: Okay Jami, I’m officially putting on the kid gloves for this guy. He’s quite obviously hung up on his ex, who ran him through the mill, at least according to his side of the story. Plus, the way he talks about his little girl, it’s kind of endearing. So I’m going to aim more for constructive criticism this time rather than apocalyptic Wrecking.
Jami: How very… pee-see of you…
PC: Wow, how many online personals ad commandments can be broken in one set of pictures? Never post a picture of yourself with anyone else, ever. This is introductory stuff, people. Especially don’t post a picture of you with your ex, and half-assedly crop part of her face out. Naturally, the investigation team here at Date Wrecks has gone ahead and found the ex, should we post her pic Jami?
Jami: I think it’s only fair. I found her on Myspace using his link. It’s not all that hard to be a detective (or maybe I’m just super good at it while also being SUPER modest about my skillz). (Hint: go look at his old comments) Although her method from escaping from this douche was… Let’s say, not noble, she still got away from this douche. So I can’t wreck her. This will have to do:
PC: Awwww.
Jami: I am a graphic designer, so you know… I do this kind of thing for a living. (I drew this on my touchpad, sleep deprived. I am just THAT good.)
PC: Okay, now assuming this story is true, this sucks. He must have been devastated. But that’s no reason to put it on line 2 of your personals ad. I get it, he probably was concerned about what people might think of him, looking for a date when he has a little baby girl. But don’t. Just, don’t.
Jami: Seriously. When my exhusband decided to leave me, he left on VALENTINE’S DAY. And you guys all wonder why I’m such a fucking cunt! As a single parent, it IS important that you let everyone know, under no uncertain terms, that being a parent is a big part of your life. But doing this is just… I mean, he’s cock-blocking himself before he even gets started. I love how he clarified “BUILT” — this is the man-equivalent of the rampant misuse of how women use “curvy”…
PC: Built like a brick shithouse, I’m sure. Which should come in handy, because you’re gonna shit bricks when you find yourself in a relationship with this guy.
PC: Never take NyQuil and Sudafed together, because you will develop the uncontrollable urge to smear marmalade into your chest hair and take a picture of it.
Jami: Classic case of hair gel drippage, I’m sure. Also, check out how HAPPY he looks. He looks over her, doesn’t he? Or are those his bedroom eyes? Eeep. This could get sticky.
PC: That’s what she said! THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!! Forget the math, do the paternity test.
Jami: One plus one plus affair equals NOT YER BEBBEH.
PC: Who’s you’re daddy? Oh, sorry, rhetorical question. Roid rage + ex issues = caps lock.
Jami: Don’t forget about the good ol’ booooold.
PC: I see this second picture, with the sunglasses and the giant watch and the wife-beater undershirt and the Monte Carlo SS in the carport, and I think to myself this guy should be holding a baseball bat while threatening a metrosexual, telling him to go back uptown and chanting in his finest Brooklyn accent “Ben-son-hurst!!! Ben-son-hurst!!! Ben-son-hurst!!!”
Jami: Cargo shorts should be outlawed! He does have something of a Jagerbomb ambiance around him, doesn’t he? I got a new haircut. I got a baby and a WHORE OF AN EXWIFE. We’re gonna get fuckin’ laid tonight.*ahem*
PC: Needs more gold chains. And the Monte needs T tops. And spray some fucking Round Up on those weeds creeping up at the edge of the driveway, before your condo association has to take action.
“Not that I do not like to PARTY. Just drugs and excessive wanting to be wasted all the time! You can’t put responsibilities and obligations before your partying type stuff, I’m sure you get the point.” Wait, is he against these things or in favor of them?
Jami: Jagerbomb. Jagerbomb. I’m pretty sure you DO need to put your responsibilities and obligations before the partying, holmes.
PC: “I have my bear every other weekend and EVERY weeknight” Yeah, it wasn’t bad enough to post your daughter’s picture and her name, now pedosaurus rex has her schedule. Yeesh. Stop it.
Jami: Coming from someone who is familiar with custody/visitation arrangements, that’s a HELL of a lot of time.
PC: The judge was generous, and also frequents his local hooters. And bears a striking resemblence to “bear”.
“So believe me when I say there is NO BABY MAMA DRAMA! She has totally moved on, as have I!” Yes, clearly, no baggage here. Caps lock and bold print means it’s true.
Jami: Yes, because it’s a well known fact that a scorned lover only moves on FASTER when the girl who broke his heart is dating the dude she cheated on him with.
“I am soooo honest(sometimes brutally), fun, loving, sweet, generous, and good looking.” You are also soooo lame because you’re a grown man using multiple o’s for emPHASis — only cute girls can do that shit! [batting eyelashes]
PC: You forgot modest. “I am like the Superman of humility.”
Jami: Can I just also say that if a man links me to his Myspace page, it’s ovah. Myspace is dead, man. I asked Tom — he’s totally on Facebook. Did you see his wardrobe change photo from his Myspace page, too? “I know the perfect place for a photo shoot! At the end of my dirt yard with Jethro’s Monte Carlo across the street!” PERFECT!
PC: Actually, now that I can see the tail lights, I’m pretty sure that’s a ’97 Coupe De Ville, which was a pretty sweet ride, and I would give him bonus points for that, if not for the shirt. No one wears horizontal stripes after 250 lbs.
Did… did he just… *takes off glasses, cleans them, rubs eyes, puts glasses back on.*
Conversate?
Jami, I fear for the future of that little girl. Is she going to be okay?
Jami: I’m afraid not, PC… They are from Texas, after all… [shaking my head]
PC: Said the girl from Georgia…
Jami: Aw, shit… Now I’m ’bout to throw down. I’m'a kick yer ass, yank.
