Medevil man looks for his Renisannce woman – 42 (Garland, Texas)
Full figured SM seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced witches. I enjoy the Scarborough Faire, gaming, fantasy books and miniture collectables. I am an honest, hardworking man, who takes care of those he loves. Hard times have forced my mom to live with me, and I gave her the master bedroom. I converted the basement into my “command center”, but there is lots of privacy. I know it sounds bad, but a man has to take care of his mother. Perfect mate must have elf like qualities, be kind sweet, sexy in many different costumes, like fantasy, role playing and star wars. Funny voices and driving a Volkswagen Bus is a plus.So if you like festivals, Dungeons & Dragons and nice guys, I’m your one.
PC: Jami, I never thought we’d be able to follow up Emo-Kitty with anyone who was even close to being in the same league, but this dude, wow, he’s just, wow. Dude. Wow.
Jami: He’s a bit of a sleeper-creeper, no? And dude. Gimme my “dude” back. You’re abusing it.
PC: I always love a personals ad where we can start off by riffing on the title, this is how we know great things are ahead. How does one immerse themselves this deeply into their own little fantasy world, yet still not know how to spell words like medieval and renaissance?
Jami: Men are notoriously bad spellers. If a guy I’m dating can spell, I’m suspicious. Period. Me-devil. Maybe it’s a different era than the one we’re thinking of… Maybe it’s some kind of alternate universe that– nope. Sorry. I can’t do it. I don’t have enough nerd in my heart to conjure up a fantasy world. Sorry, kids.
PC: I mean, he is clearly unencumbered by reality, I get that, but if you’re gonna go so far as to buy the Duke of Virginity costume, wouldn’t it be expected that you might know a little bit about this period that is costing you so much? He’s out all that money for the Burger King birthday crown, not to mention everything else this lifestyle has cost him, like friends, opportunities to ever speak to a woman, any sort of grasp on the world around him and the people in it. This guy is heavily invested.
Jami: Ahh… He put the money down, but clearly not going to be getting much back on that investment.
PC: “Full figured SM seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced witches.” First, a guy referring to himself as “full figured” sounds a bit tranny-post-op to me, but let’s get past that. I might have taken SM to stand for Single Male if not for the hatchet-faced comment, so now I am forced to speculate. Sado-Masochist? Seeking Mordor? Suspected Murderer? Shaven Minotaur?
Jami: OH! I KNOW I KNOW! Single mom. Full figured single mom! But yes… The lack of a vagina spoils my plan. Though, if he had children, we might forgive him for his collection of DOLLS.
And hatchet-faced witches? Dag, yo. I mean, I know bitches can sometimes be not that cute, but hatchet faced? Is that kind of like a ghetto whore goblin?
PC: “I enjoy the Scarborough Faire, gaming, fantasy books and miniture collectables.” I can just hear Simon and Garfunkel now. “Parsley, sage, rosemary and LAME”. At first I had an image in my head of this guy walking around in full regalia, stopping for a moment to watch the jousting, then off to the Royal Falconer to witness the birds of prey, using phrases like “whilst” and “whither” and “perchance, good woman”, as he feasted upon a turkey leg. Then I modified that image slightly, because I figured he’d be eating the whole turkey.
Jami: What IS it about this demographic? I can honestly say, I’ve never been to the the Renaissance Faire (Fair? What the fuck ever), but I understand it as a money-making concept. But the people that work these joints — that live this lifestyle — they’re all a bit… I mean, kind of like Carnies, right? Carnies with corsets and tights.
I’d like to conjure up in my head the image of a hard working peasant in the middle ages, working the land and defending his honor. But really, could someone pick a STINKIER era to emulate? Nothing about the damp, drippy middle ages is appealing to me.
PC: If your skin isn’t crawling bad enough already, take a moment and imagine what his “fantasy books” might be. Harry Potter? Eragon? Or have we found the oldest living male who owns the entire Twilight series?
Jami: I MUST be a pervert because anytime I hear about fantasy-this or fantasy-that, I immediately think about sex. Not unicorns or rainbows and shit (that’s what is in those books, right?), but like hot-for-teacher, dress-up fantasy sex. Like, “You’ve been a bad, bad boy and now you have you stay in detention!” I think I’m missing my gaming synapse. Perhaps it’s part of the brain that only properly develops in adolescence when you’re in both drama and marching band.
PC: And the miniature collectibles? What is he doing with them late at night, when the loneliness and the demons creep in? They seem quite shiny, is that because he cleans them daily, or is there a little left over lubricant on those dragon scales?
Jami: EW EW EW! PC! EW, motherfucker. Unicorns up the medieval boo-tay. Tasty.
PC: Now, I’m not gonna lie, I feel a little conflicted about this guy. I mean, he describes himself as honest, hardworking, takes care of his mother, I’m sure he’s a really nice person. However, there is a little known law on the books in the state of Texas which stipulates that if you include the words “Mom”, “basement”, “privacy” and “command center” within two sentences of each other, they automatically start a file on your ass. Anybody else getting a Norman Bates vibe here? Is he in the basement because Mom’s dehydrated corpse hasn’t completely finished off-gassing yet?
Jami: See, for me, when I hear “mom”, “basement”, “privacy” and “command center”, all I picture is a grown man in his mom’s basement eating Hungry Man meals, drinking South Paw beer, shirtless and masturbating to the Golden Girls with his laptop fixed to some sort of role-playing game, sitting on a TV tray next to his rocker recliner. Dude is 42. Forty-two!
“Command center” might be my favorite part. I can see him, wanting to bring people in a’la CRIBS, “This is where all the magic happens.” I mean, the internet has limitless amounts of porn! Is he going to ask me to touch his flux capacitor?Â
PC: Oh, and the tattoos, dear God, where to even begin with the tattoos. I dunno, like I said, I’m conflicted. I mean, on the one hand, maybe he just doesn’t give a shit, he quite literally lets it all hang out. Love handles? Sure, the Ren Faire wenches will go for that. Star Wars tats? Fuck it, shows a sense of humor.
Jami: PC, I’m disappointed that you just said that Star Wars tats show a sense of humor. [shaking my head] I wonder if he has an Ewok tramp stamp…?
PC: “No, really, mister tattoo artist, I want to permanently inject Jabba the Hut and Boba Fett into my back fat.” This dude must have balls of solid rock. Or a serious mental illness. I’m very conflicted.
Jami: Do you think his mom took that picture of his back for him? [still just shaking my head] If a man took his shirt off and Princess Leia was staring at me in her little metal bikini top, well… You guys are familiar with that clanking sound my vagina makes, right?
“Do you feel the force, baby?” [drips sweat/thrusts] *grunt* Yoda speak during coitus would be a deal breaker for me.
I suppose you might be right, PC. Maybe we’re just assholes. But this has brought me to the other side of yet another life lesson in what I am NOT looking for. Maybe, eventually, if I eliminate enough dudes from the running, there will be one man standing.
PC: Use the Force, young padawan.
