Introducing a new installment, set to hit every Wednesday, He Said – She Said!

Here’s how it’ll play: I pick a submission from the week and send it over to The Personals Critic. He chews it up, spits it out and then I come in afterward and chew…it…up — WAIT. That sounds fucking disgusting. Buh.

We’ll have a little tag-team fun Profiling a reader submission. (That’s much less barf-inducing — though, I cannot promise the actual PROFILES aren’t going to make you barfy.)

Let’s begin!

PC: Oh Jami, you really have picked a wonderful submission for our first collaboration.� There’s just… so much!

Jami: Quit it, you’re starting to sound like all the other men in my life, “Oh Jami! Oh Jami!” But yes, indeed: I am brilliant. Or I just get emails from brilliant readers. Something like that. Here’s the profile, with our commentary right after:

Caption: rawrrrrr and shtuffs...

Caption: That's right kids.... its emo-rif-ick!

Caption: "strike a pose... vogue"

Caption: "The Fabled ROARICUS PUSSICUSS... also known as the ROARING PUSSY..."- Steve Irwin, R.I.P.

Caption: yay... now i've got the eyes and the teeths ^_^

Caption: Look Kids! this is what happens when you invite me to your wedding on the beach in FL!

[Editor's note: there is NO Way I'm going to include his entire personal ad. So much of it is just weird emo-kid rambling. For simplicity's sake, I'm only including his "My Self-Summary" section and his "You Should Message Me If" section -- and even then, it's still fucking exhausting!]

Iriomote

I am ambitious, stubborn, and a dying romantic

24 / M / straight / Single

Newport News, Virginia

My Self-Summary

If I message you and get nothing back within the week… you are dead to me…

*PROFILE UNDER RE-VAMP/CONSTRUCTION (some information subject to change)*

I rule, I like felines, I am optimistic, have an extremist streak in me, I am I and me.

^_^

And you want it… or perhaps not… doesn’t really matter… I have too many things to accomplish should I be allowed.

Nuff said.

hmmm okay… so I have more time apparently today.

Likes:
-Anime
-World Culture
-Foreign Languages
-Dancing
-Food
-Hosiery
-Females
-Animals
-”Dressing up”
-Cartoons
-Karaoke
-Concerts
-Plays
-Makeup
-Music (listening, singing along, and creating)
-Consentual Sex (anything dealing with it really… very broad
and vague arena of discussion)

Dislikes:
-People that are wastes of life
-Religions that impose on others
-”The Man”
-People who can’t ever pull themselves out of their negative
rut to have a good time and feign being happi
-Traffic
-Movie/music remakes that suck.
-Highstrung, high maintenance, prissies.
-Grapefruit (can stomach it… just does not agree with my
tastebuds)
-”Grade C Sex” (ask me to elaborate)
-People who give birth to children and are not ready to give them a fair shot at a good childhood/raising. Seriously, if you are not ready to have a kid or cannot afford one… then learn to pull out, tie your tubes, or do NOT procreate. You’re pro-life? You’re pro-shitty life… “Congrats, you gave birth to an unwanted child… now they’ll endure 18+ years of a life (or less if they get smart and realize they can stop life at their own leisure) they did not ask for because you decided to be a selfish cunt and want a baby… You wanted that baby for the first day… then you realize that it’s a job to raise a child and it is not fun anymore… QUIT HAVING KIDS… there are plenty unwanted out there who can be adopted. STOP THE OVERPOPULATION or BE READY TO PASS THE TORCH AND DIE TO MAKE ROOM.

Myspace sucks… I said it…

Someone will kill me someday… or I will accomplish all that I set out to do… one way or another.

Death is a blessing and a curse. It takes away and gives. You also do not have to pay anymore taxes once you are dead or deal with any of the drama that life presents if you’re in a developed country with an individualcentric culture.

And… Apparently OKC is making me out to be a prick to a lot of pretty cute chickies on here… LoL… I kinda consider that an honor… it is probably just I and or me doing it… I’ll take credit for it anyways because i’m an ego gratification seeking whore…

BLUE HAIR IS A GREAT THING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“But wait… there’s more!”-Shawn Wayans from Scary Movie I.

FRIEND CRITERIA:
1. Commonalities
2. Broad sense of humour (from dry to vulgar and morbid)
3. If you’re in a couple, I have to get along with you both.
4. Can stand each other’s quirks
5. Good combination of extroversion and introversion
6. Like to travel
7. Mutual/reciprocating
8. Honesty, Loyalty, Trust, Honor, Respect
9. Willing to form a bond on the premise that if you backstab…
you expect a full retaliation and worthy retribution.
0. Eccentric, but not a “headcase.” (headcase: PMS 24/7,
previous history of shitty relationships, or rape, or incest,
or abuse, or anything that will prevent you from moving
forward in life because you are fixated on a negative focal
point and did not strike back in any way, shape, or form to
try and achieve closure).

DATING CRITERIA:
I believe in hookers, whores, prostitutes, sorostitutes, geishas, pornstars, strippers, gigelows, juggalos, juggalettes and any profession or occupation where sex or sex appeal is used to sell for sex or sex appeal… How much more honest can you get?

These people are sexperts… because it is their way of gaining income. WHY WOULD I WANT YOUR SEX WHEN I CAN PAY A PROFESSIONAL TO DO IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME?

NoMarriage.com

I am not looking for you (more than likely). I am looking for people that are not clingy and are able to connect without shattering their psyche’s because they become codependent/attached, only to find out that they were only temporary and can be nothing more… unless you’re everything I could want in a partner… “survey says…” *ding ding ding* “HIGHLY UNLIKELY.”

I’m not in a rush to settle down. Just to have hopefully good experiences and lots of killer sex. But I’m mostly a practicing ethical slut. I get tested and research a little on partners before engaging in most things… however, I’ve had my share of “wham, bam, thank you ma’ams”

Still clean and am serious about staying that way. Like the OKC test says… “if you have STD’s…” go the Adult Friend Finder site

You should message me if

READ FRIEND AND DATING CRITERIA IN “Self Summary” section please. Don’t waste our time… I don’t have much to spare…

Have phun ^_^

I realize that I’ve added a lot more stuff… if you’ve bothered to read and see that “yeah… he’s kind of full of himself” but witness that I’m also much more…

kudos to you.

Everyone else… “just a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down, in a most delightful way…”

Update: If you’re any kind of uptight bitch that can’t take sarcastic ragging (which I do to those I care about or could care about) then please click on the “hide” button and find another profile. I don’t want my superior face/profile being even considered by the likes of you pointless wastes of life. Life is an immeasurable joke. Get over yourself and take one for the team… in the butt… or HURRY UP AND DIE! There’s too many people on this planet now… we need more breathing room for the worthy.

PC: I’ll start with the first line I see, his little quote in the bubble above his name says “I am ambitious, stubborn, and a dying romantic.”� Now, dude, “diehard romantic” is probably the phrase you were shooting for, and would have been a lovely sentiment.� “Dying romantic” makes it sound like you contracted something fatal from your last girlfriend.

Jami: I don’t know, PC. I kind of like the idea of this dude sort of shriveling up, penis-first, and dying with some soft candlelight and jazz playing. I think that would be kind of romantic.

PC: Not really the way an emo-kitty would go out though, is it?� I’m thinking more along the lines of crossing traffic in front of a hearse, while listening to Coldplay on his leopard print Ipod, when he catches a glimpse of a cute little calico with her tail in the air…

Splatt!

At a glance, he’s into felines, hosiery, dressing up, plays, makeup, and spends a lot of time thinking about world domination.� Anybody else see a James Bond off-Broadway musical in the making here?

“Do you expect me to talk?”

“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to… dance!”

Jami: Does anybody else think that this joker looks like Perez Hilton’s creepy younger brother? Maybe they share clothes. I almost missed the fact that he likes “consentual sex”… uhm.

*ahem*

PC: Now, being a single guy and having a cat might be just a tiny bit creepy, but it’s not necessarily a red flag, right?� Maybe he’s just in touch with his feminine side.� Maybe there were mice in his apartment building.� Hey, maybe he’s just a lonely guy, and wanted some low maintenance companionship around, and thought, “Hey, I like cats.� I’ll get a cat.”

Right? Wrong.

Jami: Remember Virgin Noodlespitz? Yea, that dude had a cat. *scoff* He told me once, I think it might have been on that last terrible date, that he had a harness and leash that he put on his cat to take him for walks. I remember thinking to myself, inbetween little bursts of nervous laughter, “Jami, you cannot let this dude near your pussy.”

And before all you “cat-people” get offended out there because of my deeply rooted hatred for cats, keep in mind, you are associated to THIS DUDE because you like cats. ‘Nuff said.

PC: This guy is WAY into cats, to the point where I’m pretty sure he thinks he’s being sexy about it.� Like he’s Cat-sonova.� Lothario Lolcat.� Tabio.� Brad Kitt.

You’ve got eyes and teeths? I can’t believe he didn’t caption this one “I can has cheezburger.”

Jami: Auuuuugggggghhhh. *twitch* [dead gaze] *muffled speech* Cat…a…ton…ic… [thud] In all serious, I don’t even think basement cat would approve of this kind of nonsense. Cat-sonova! That’s punny.

PC: His caption: rawrrrrr and shtuffs…

My caption? One of the lesser known Star Wars villains, Darth Mittens.

Jami: [muffled meowing sounds] Huh? Oh, right… Commentary. I’m just over here, schlopping saliva on my paws and rubbing them all over my face. WHAT GIVES CATS? That shit is disgusting. “Oh, he’s giving himself a bath! Isn’t that sweet!” No. No. It’s not sweet. What if I started licking my body and smearing saliva on myself?? Oh, for fuck’s sake, ya freaks. All of you… Get your minds out of the gutter!

Quick! I need a joke, all this non-vagina related talk off pussy has gotten my mood all out of whack. What do you call a cat that has just eaten a whole duck? – A duck filled fatty puss! HA! Yes… That’s funny…

I think it’s really kind of beautiful that this kitty-faced freak said, ten lines into his profile, “Nuff said,” but then continued on for more than two thousand words! /faceslap. I thought you said, ’nuff said, emo douche!? Scratch that self-inflicted /faceslap. I’m'a slap this dude!

PC: His caption: strike a pose… vogue

Yes, the area you are framing with your hands is an area that will remain untouched by anyone, excluding yourself and only the crystal-methy-est of hookers.� When you come out of the dressing room at the Salvation Army and the clerk has to avert their eyes, then I don’t know what look you were shooting for, but you missed.� Epic fail.

Jami: It’s like pew-pew-pew-pew-[explosion sound]. Crash and burn. I’m all for having a unique style or something that is just “you!” My gorgeous roommate wears little scarfs in her hair, 1950′s style. It’s so cute on her! I could never pull it off. The back of my head is pretty fucking flat (and yes, I was held as a child, it’s just… my head is kind of square shaped). Thank god I have such great hair. I can’t hold a scarf on my head though. And it’s cool — you try some things out and sometimes they don’t work. Point being, the ears you’re wearing? They only worked on Josie and The Pussycats… And, you know… like, regular cats.

PC: From his Self-Summary: And you want it… or perhaps not… doesn’t really matter… I have too many things to accomplish should I be allowed.

Fortunately none of them involve anything on the kitchen counter, because he’s a bad kitty, and is not supposed to be up there.

Jami: If he starts misbehaving, we can just spray him in the face with water. I’ve heard that works on cats. I can say, with no hesitation, do.not.want. DO NOT.

And this shit?? Are you kidding me? That’s GOT to be his sister. No WAY someone would voluntarily invite this freakshow to their wedding unless it was one of those freaky (*cough*lame*cough*) Halloween weddings. She’s smiling, but what she’s really thinking is, “I hate my brother. I hate my brother. I hate my brother.”

PC: Yeah, she probably ponied up the $275 to send him to clown college for the summer, and to pay her back he insisted on going all mime and shit at her reception.� Dudes like this make Catholic priests seem much less molest-y.

I can add “must be willing to elope” to my personal ad now, thanks to this guy. Ain’t no WAY I’m getting surprised by some dude at my wedding who thinks it’s okay to draw hearts on his face… in marker. (!!!)

PC: Dislikes: Someone will kill me someday… or I will accomplish all that I set out to do… one way or another.

Well, if someone does kill him, at least he’s got eight more shots at all those unnamed things he wants to accomplish.

Jami: Where do we sign up to kill him? I must’ve missed that part.

PC: “DATING CRITERIA:I believe in hookers, whores, prostitutes, sorostitutes, geishas, pornstars, strippers, gigelows, juggalos, juggalettes and any profession or occupation where sex or sex appeal is used to sell for sex or sex appeal… How much more honest can you get?

These people are sexperts… because it is their way of gaining income. WHY WOULD I WANT YOUR SEX WHEN I CAN PAY A PROFESSIONAL TO DO IT RIGHT THE FIRST TIME?”

Not to worry my friend, I suspect that decision has already been made for you.� If the only picture on your profile that doesn’t look like a failed Cirque De Soleil audition is this one:

…then I see a lifetime of paying for sex in your future.

Jami: I’d like to point out an interesting kettle-black moment here, too.

He makes a very bold and italicized point of gettin’ on folks for accidental/unwanted pregnancy. I can’t say that I necessarily disagree with his idea, but his delivery resonates like a person who has a (quoting from his if-you-wanna-be-muh-friend list), “previous history of … anything that will prevent you from moving forward in life because you are fixated on a negative focal point and did not strike back in any way, shape, or form to
try and achieve closure.” *ahem*

Me thinks somebody was not a planned pregnancy and has some mommy issues.

WHEW BOY! That was a helluva long post, eh? I had fun, what about you, TPC?

PC: Jami, I love and adore you. I want to sit at your feet and just continue to receive your abundant knowledge and wisdom.

(Ok, PC didn’t REALLY say that… But I bet he’s thinkin’ it…)

So… would you date this emo kitty?