Can I just tell you guys how much I love writing with PC?
Says PC in his email to me last night: “I just can’t stop writing about this guy. I have two beers in me, and the snark is just flowing like, well, like beer.”
It’s a long one, so I suggest you also crack a beer (who gives a shit if it’s 8:00 in the fucking morning, GET A BEER.)
FREE t-shirt… just critique this ad & tell me why it doesn’t work. (S. Atlanta)
I thought this would be fun for BOTH of us- a contest to give away t-shirts to girls who tell me… WHAT’S WRONG WITH MY AD?
I’ve run it for months now, but NO real connections. I’m NOT doing this out of desperation, I’m doing it cuz I think it will be fun to read your critiques and I just MAY learn something!
PLEASE understand- I am NOT asking you to tell me why you’re not the girl I’m looking for. Rather, I want to know what it is about my ad that turns women off. If your answer is, “I’m overweight” or “There are too many sexual innuendos,” that doesn’t count. I do that on purpose because: a.) I’m not into overweight women (it’s nothing personal, it’s just my preference.) b.) I added the sexual innuendos on purpose to attract women who are as sexual as I am- that’s not going to change.
The top 10 critiques will receive a FREE t-shirt of their choice. Winners can choose a GA Bulldogs t-shirt, any shirt from my website at TshirtsByJohnny(dot com) OR you can request a customized shirt (for example, “I’d like a shirt with a picture of my son on it.” NO problem! NOTE: You can choose the shirt size but NOT the shirt color.
The contest ends on Sunday night, 7/26 at 9p.m. Winners will be contacted via email.
YOU MUST type: CONTEST in the subject line so I know that your email isn’t spam!
OK, here’s my ad… critique away… and HAVE FUN!
MY STATS:
Height: 6′
Weight: 175
Body: HWP
Ethnicity: Caucasian
Eyes: Two. (oops- I mean Blue.)
Hair color: Brown. Short upstairs; REAL short downstairs.
Drink: India Pale Ale (that’s beer- lol- love Sweetwater)
Drugs: Nope
Tattoos: 2 (1 is sentenced to death.)
Piercings: 1 ear; rarely use
Clothing Style: Casual
Activities: My sons, music, ebay, fishing, my dogs.
STATS I’M LOOKING FOR IN “HER:”
Age: Somewhere between puberty and dentures. (25-45, please.)
Height: Don’t care
Weight/Body: HWP or a few extra pounds (not 30.)
Ethnicity: Prefer Caucasian, but I have my fantasies
Drinking: Yes- socially or moderately
Smoking: Prefer non-smoker OR smoker who wants to quit. Chicks who dip, please move on. :::gag:::
Tattoos: Some are S E X Y !
Piercings: Don’t care, as long as your face doesn’t look like a bulletin board.
Fave physical feature of my body: Hey, this ad is accessible by minors! Let’s just say I named him Thumper.
Fave Activities: (OTHER than cunnilingus?) You MUST love music. I mean REALLY LOVE it. (Country & rock a plus. If you like rap, we won’t last 20 minutes.) If you fish or want to learn, I think I love you!
Name five material things that you cannot do without: In no particular order: Ipod, Senseo coffee maker, computer, KY (the warming liquid version, please, lol) and my SIRIUS radio. (I listen to Howard Stern daily. I’m not that crazy about Stern himself, but his guests, his staff, and the Wack Pack have me addicted.)
Name 3 ‘home’ foods you cannot do without: Spinach souffle’, lasagna, cold turkey sandwiches with cranberry sauce. I cook best: Spaghetti, Cheeseburger Casserole, & in the bedroom. Fast food: Wendy’s double, REAL pizza (as in ‘Hut’ or Mellow Mushroom,) Fuddruckers three-cheese burgers.Name at least 3 foods that you can do without forever: Beets, veggies that come in a can, kosher food.
Name some tv shows you can’t go without seeing: Spongebob Square… (oops, wrong question…) The Biggest Loser, American Idol, COPS, Everybody Loves Raymond, Rescue Me, Two and a Half Men, ‘Til Death, Gene $immons Family Jewels.
Name three tv shows you wish would make a comeback: Third Watch, Boston Legal, The Shield, & Dr. Ruth Teaches You How To Make The Best Out Of Household Utensils.
Name three of the nicest celebrities you have ever met: That’s difficult- but off of the top of my head, Ray Combs (Family Feud), Naomi Judd, Celine Dion.
Name at least five of your favorite all-time movies: Radio, The Green Mile, Lucky Number Sleven, Grease, Urban Cowboy, Arthur, Pay It Forward, Coccoon.
I drive: Doggy Style, Missionary, in fact, I… OH- YOU MEAN MY VEHICLE!!! A Ford Explorer XLT AWD.
MY TURN-OFFS: Flirts, Egos, Lying, Little or no sexual appetite, Materialistic, Cheaters, Self-centered, Arrogance.
MY TURN-ONS: Accents, zest for life, tight Levi’s, a gal who sticks up for her man, SENSE OF HUMOR, passion for making love and experimenting with same.
MY PASSIONS: My sons, my work, music, happiness, & finding love (not in that order.) As I type this I’m most passionate about finding Ms. Right. NO ONE is perfect, (least of all me) but the ideal gal would be able to help provide what I did NOT have in my last relationship: Homecooked meals now & then, romance, PDA, open communication, a similar sense of humor, and a sex drive (2-3 times a week minimum!) OH, and I LOVE kids, so if you have one or more, I consider that a plus, NOT a minus.
Things you should know about me: I wear my heart on my sleeve…I cry at some songs & movies…I’m not much of a ‘conventional’ man: I don’t give a living damn about ANY sports……..I was a radio DJ for 3 years…I could be persuaded to have ‘phone fun’…..not all my pix are rated G……I like to live on the edge (within reason.) If it’s legal and it feels good and it doesn’t hurt anyone, DO IT!
Name something from the past that a woman did for you that REALLY made an impression: She gave me the crabs. No, seriously, the first one that comes to mind was a long time ago. I was a DJ at a restaurant and I came to work one day to find a bouquet of roses at my booth, sent from a girl I had just starting seeing. She sent them for no particular reason or occasion. I thought that was SO cool.
Name some romantic things from the past that you’ve done for women: My ex is a flight attendant, and I used to sneak love notes with stuffed animals into her luggage that she would find when she got to her destination. I also put “I Love You” post-it notes on my last gf’s truck’s side-view mirror. Also had a dozen roses waiting for her at work when she arrived the following day.
Favorite songs: Chesney’s Better As A Memory, Love Remembers by Craig Morgan, Zac Brown Band: Whatever It Is, and the entire Nickelback DARK HORSE cd, but especially Never Gonna Be Alone, Gotta Be Somebody, & I’d Come For You.
Name a song that best describes your single situation right now: Ummm….. “My Right Hand Is Much Stronger Than My Left Hand Now That I’m Alone.” (OK, OK, SORRY!…) I have two. One is Shenandoah’s I Wanna Be Loved Like That, and the other is A Love Like That by Ty Herndon. Here are some of the lyrics to each:
An old man kneeling all alone plants his flowers in a garden of stone. For seven years now she’s been gone, and his devotion is still going strong. I want to be loved like that; a promise you can’t take back. If you’re gonna love me, I want to be loved like that.
I want an earth shaker; a risk taker- one hell of a love maker. Somebody that wants nobody but me. I’ve been lookin for a love like that; once you start you can’t turn back.
Source(s) of Income: I have stock in Astroglide. No, seriously, I’m blessed to have two jobs that I adore.
Rate your job security with said employers on a scale of 1-10: 7, 9.
My warning(s) to you: a.) If you’re looking for a sugar-daddy, move on. But I can pay the bills and still have fun, and look forward to a Federal Pension down the road. b.) All three of my past ‘life loves’ were girls whose names started with the letter “D”. If your name starts with “D” OR if you’re a scorpio, either walk away now or consider this the biggest challenge of your life! Heehee ;c)
What is the most important quality that you are looking for in another person? AN ORIFICE! Chemistry- the “it” factor. I want to meet someone who I can laugh with and who keeps me from eating, sleeping, and functioning normally without thinking about her. I want to be that couple you see in the mall and you just gawk at them and go, “wow.” If I could get any kind of relationship, I would ask for one like that of Shannon Tweed and Gene $immons. If you’ve ever watched FAMILY JEWELS, you know what I mean. Magical.
THANK YOU For taking so much time to read this. Drop me a line if you’d like and PLEASE be prepared to trade pics & chat- will respond the same day. I’m a nightowl but can often respond to emails during the day via my Blackberry. We can IM on AIM/AOL, etc. Keep smiling!
OH………ONE more thing……..
Jami: Alright, PC… So… I don’t know about you but I can feel the corrections just bubb-bubb-bubbling from inside my chest.
PC: The submissions for this series just get better and better, don’t they Jami? I mean, what kind of opportunistic douchebag would use their single status to their advantage in some sort of online forum? Oh, wait…
FREE t-shirt… just critique this ad & tell me why it doesn’t work. (S. Atlanta)
PC: Ah, the very definition of getting more than you bargained for.
I thought this would be fun for BOTH of us-
PC: Well, you were half right.
Jami: I just a love a man who thinks outside of the box, lives a little, plans something fun for us to do together!
a contest to give away t-shirts to girls who tell me… WHAT’S WRONG WITH MY AD?
Jami: Um, this. This is what is wrong with your ad.
PC: Very romantic. “How do I hate thee? Let me count the ways.”
Jami: [singing] 99 reasons to not date your ass, 99 reasons to not… take one down… [trailing off]
I’ve run it for months now, but NO real connections. I’m NOT doing this out of desperation,
PC: He is not, repeat NOT desperate. “I AM NOT DESPERATE!!!”
Jami: This is kind of like when a guy is like, “I’m just a nice guy.” No. Fuck you! RED FLAG. You’re an asshole. Mo’fo, you’re posting on Craigslist — this is pretty much the bottom of the barrel.
I’m doing it cuz I think it will be fun to read your critiques and I just MAY learn something!
Jami: Oh, I’m'a learn you something!
PC: And to promote your website, and to sell some t-shirts. Oh yeah, and you’re also looking for someone who’s looking for someone they can “fix”, which is a level of codependency I can’t even wrap my brain around, at least not without Jami’s help. But Jami and I are codependent in a much funnier and more destructive way, so that makes it okay, right? …Right?
Jami: Oh, what? Sorry. I was browsing tshirts. Can I get this in a ladies medium? Kthx. Oh, and yes, PC. I’m really not sure how I functioned without you.
PLEASE understand- I am NOT asking you to tell me why you’re not the girl I’m looking for. Rather, I want to know what it is about my ad that turns women off.
PC: So far, the biggest reason I can come up with is the fact that you’re writing it.
Jami: Yes, well I’m an expert because I have a vagina. The thing that turns me off about this ad are the beginning, middle and end… And the nightmareish loop that keeps playing back in my head.
If your answer is, “I’m overweight” or “There are too many sexual innuendos,” that doesn’t count. I do that on purpose because: a.) I’m not into overweight women (it’s nothing personal, it’s just my preference.) b.) I added the sexual innuendos on purpose to attract women who are as sexual as I am- that’s not going to change.
Jami: Wait… You asked me what turns me off about your ad and … Wait. Are you saying you’re overweight or … I just … I don’t get it, PC. Halp meee!
PC: It’s nothing personal. Don’t take it as a personal insult, just because this guy personally let you know, in a personals ad, that the thing he doesn’t like about you what size person you are, or if your personality is not personable.
The top 10 critiques will receive a FREE t-shirt of their choice. Winners can choose a GA Bulldogs t-shirt, any shirt from my website at TshirtsByJohnny(dot com) OR you can request a customized shirt (for example, “I’d like a shirt with a picture of my son on it.” NO problem!
Jami: I’d be surprised if he got two critiques… Oh wait. Shit.
PC: I want a t-shirt that says “I datewrecked a douchebag, and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.”
Jami: [taking mental notes of what to get PC for Christmas]
NOTE: You can choose the shirt size but NOT the shirt color.
The contest ends on Sunday night, 7/26 at 9p.m. Winners will be contacted via email.
YOU MUST type: CONTEST in the subject line so I know that your email isn’t spam!
OK, here’s my ad… critique away… and HAVE FUN!
PC: [Cracks knuckles...]
Jami: [adjusts jock...]
MY STATS:
Jami: [snicker] Stats. Love it. Whatchur stats, son!?
PC: Well, there’s your first mistake. You’re on craigslist dude, there is no format, it’s just free form, write whatever you want, get creative, the sky’s the limit, and you make it look like you’re filling out a gym membership.
Height: 6′
Weight: 175
Body: HWP
Ethnicity: Caucasian
Eyes: Two. (oops- I mean Blue.)
PC: If this were a Three Stooges routine, a pair of digits would be getting poked into those blue eyes as we speak. And no, porcupine, I’m not comparing your comedic prowess to that of the Stooges, I just want to poke you in the eyes.
Jami: nyuk nyuk nyuk!
Hair color: Brown. Short upstairs; REAL short downstairs.
PC: This ad is just one long gross-out, isn’t it?
Jami: [eyes closed] Are you there, God? It’s me, Jami. I really want to find a man out there who is short downstairs. And I also like tshirts, but I’m not particular about the color. Aaaaamen.
Drink: India Pale Ale (that’s beer- lol- love Sweetwater)
Drugs: Nope
Tattoos: 2 (1 is sentenced to death.)
PC: Translation: “I know how to make a commitment. When I do something, it is done, in a permanent and lasting manner. I live with the consequences of my actions.  Oh yeah, and I also have the conviction to erase all traces of commitment from my life when I have grown tired of it.”
Jami: I wonder what his tattoo did to get sent to death row…
Piercings: 1 ear; rarely use
PC: Sounds like a lack of communication to me.
Jami: You know the really important thing that we need to know…? Left is right, right is wrong… Does ANYBODY remember that?? Not you, PC. You’re too old.
Clothing Style: Casual
Activities: My sons, music, ebay, fishing, my dogs.
PC: Your sons are an activity? I suppose conceiving them was…
Jami: Sounds like a thrilling life. Who the fuck still sells on ebay??
STATS I’M LOOKING FOR IN “HER:”
Age: Somewhere between puberty and dentures. (25-45, please.)
Jami: Ayyyyee, yo. Whatchur stats is baby girl?! Oh wait. He said [air quotes] her.
PC: That is the creepiest thing I have ever read. Ever. That is borderline Japanese anime porn creepy. If you were to use a tongue scraper, wipe it off on a piece of paper, and let it dry, the dehydrated mucous would form that sentence. Yuck yuck yuck.
Jami: Ew, PC. That’s gross. I need some gum.
Height: Don’t care
Weight/Body: HWP or a few extra pounds (not 30.)
Ethnicity: Prefer Caucasian, but I have my fantasies 
PC: That sound you just heard? It was a thousand non-Caucasian index fingers going “click”, as they move on to someone else.
Jami: “Grandma, how did you know that Grandpa was the one?” “Well, sweetie, I knew it because he based the entire notion of our relationship on a fantasy. Then he tied me up and smeared toothpaste on my body. That was also one of his fantasies. Finish your milk.”
PC: “Plus, I knew he was in love, just by the way he looked at me when I said ‘Me so horny, me love you long time.’ Finish your milk, baby.”
Drinking: Yes- socially or moderately
Smoking: Prefer non-smoker OR smoker who wants to quit. Chicks who dip, please move on. :::gag:::
Tattoos: Some are S E X Y !
Jami: Oooh! Maybe he’ll like my Tweety Bird tramp stamp! Tweety is wearing a bikini! That’s fucking sexy.
PC: Tweety is great, but Sylvester? Now that’s a bad ol’ puddy tat.
Piercings: Don’t care, as long as your face doesn’t look like a bulletin board.
Fave physical feature of my body: Hey, this ad is accessible by minors! Let’s just say I named him Thumper.
PC: Okay, penis/Thumper jokes, go!
He named his penis after a rabbit, is that because he thinks he’s going to make it disappear?
Are his testicles named Bambi and Flower?
Is it called “Thumper” because that’s the sound his hand makes when it hits his stomach?
[editor's note: I had to take out the rest of the PC's jokes because... Well, they went on and on and on. Plus, when he starts to be funnier than me, I get insecure.]
Jami: My exhusband used to call his Thor. I’m not fucking kidding you.
Fave Activities: (OTHER than cunnilingus?) You MUST love music. I mean REALLY LOVE it. (Country & rock a plus. If you like rap, we won’t last 20 minutes.) If you fish or want to learn, I think I love you!
Jami: You want one of MY favorite activities to be cunnilingus? I mean, for some girls, I suppose that’s okay. I like the dick — I like it a lot. But I do like music. I would have liked music while you were performing cunnilingus on me, but you ended this little section with a request to go fishing, so… That’s out.
PC: I’m down with going down, but who would ever talk about cunnilingus and fishing in the same paragraph?
Name five material things that you cannot do without: In no particular order: Ipod, Senseo coffee maker, computer, KY (the warming liquid version, please, lol) and my SIRIUS radio. (I listen to Howard Stern daily. I’m not that crazy about Stern himself, but his guests, his staff, and the Wack Pack have me addicted.)
Jami: Straight man that can’t live without KY, eh? He either needs the lubrication to take it up his own pooper or he doesn’t know how to get his lady’s motor revvin’.
Name 3 ‘home’ foods you cannot do without: Spinach souffle’, lasagna, cold turkey sandwiches with cranberry sauce. I cook best: Spaghetti, Cheeseburger Casserole, & in the bedroom. Fast food: Wendy’s double, REAL pizza (as in ‘Hut’ or Mellow Mushroom,) Fuddruckers three-cheese burgers.Name at least 3 foods that you can do without forever: Beets, veggies that come in a can, kosher food.
Jami: Ok, so on our first date, I’m going to make a kosher salad, loaded with vegetables and pickled beets! YUM! Does this qualify as antisemitic…?
PC: No Jami, he means Kentucky. It’s a country music thing. Or a pooper thing. Either way, I don’t understand it, nor do I intend to.
Jami: Mmmm fiber!
Name some tv shows you can’t go without seeing: Spongebob Square… (oops, wrong question…) The Biggest Loser, American Idol, COPS, Everybody Loves Raymond, Rescue Me, Two and a Half Men, ‘Til Death, Gene $immons Family Jewels.
Jami: Two and a half men? For real? That show fucking sucks. Although, with this admitted “small” stature, maybe he could be the half a man?
PC: Picture Charlie Sheen, in a bowling shirt. Now forget Charlie Sheen, and put his brother in his place. Not Emilio, I’m talking about the often ignored movie star Joe Estevez, most famous for a long string of movies that not one motherfucker ever saw. But picture him as a screen printer in a shirt shop. Sexy, sexy.
Name three tv shows you wish would make a comeback: Third Watch, Boston Legal, The Shield, & Dr. Ruth Teaches You How To Make The Best Out Of Household Utensils.
Jami: [shaking my head] Dr. Fucking Ruth? Sue Johanson, I apologize on behalf of the Date Wrecks community. Dr. Fucking Ruth, indeed. Pfft. If I’m going to get my sex advice from an old lady, it’s gonna be Sue Fucking Johanson.
PC:Talk sex with Sue versus fooling around with Dr. Ruth. I think I’d rather stick my dick in the blender, is that what he meant about kitchen utensils?
Name three of the nicest celebrities you have ever met: That’s difficult- but off of the top of my head, Ray Combs (Family Feud), Naomi Judd, Celine Dion.
Jami: I’m going to get a mother fucking CRICK in my neck if I keep shaking my head like this, PC! HALP MEE! Is it almost over?!
PC: No Jami, it never ends. Not until we end it.
Jami: Hold me, PC.
Name at least five of your favorite all-time movies: Radio, The Green Mile, Lucky Number Sleven, Grease, Urban Cowboy, Arthur, Pay It Forward, Coccoon.
Jami: Arthur? Like the Aardvark? He made a movie? I would have kicked ass as the voice of DW. (haha! See what I did there?! DW? Get it?)
I drive: Doggy Style, Missionary, in fact, I… OH- YOU MEAN MY VEHICLE!!! A Ford Explorer XLT AWD.
Jami: AWD — All Weady Douchey.
PC:(Insert Hummer joke *here*.)
MY TURN-OFFS: Flirts, Egos, Lying, Little or no sexual appetite, Materialistic, Cheaters, Self-centered, Arrogance.
Jami: AUUUUGGGGHH…. My brain is bleeding. I cannot handle it. Let’s face it, Atlanta public schools suck. We can’t blame him for his complete lack of grammatical structure.
PC:This is the CL ad that ends all CL ads. He just won’t stop. End, damn you, end!
MY TURN-ONS: Accents, zest for life, tight Levi’s, a gal who sticks up for her man, SENSE OF HUMOR, passion for making love and experimenting with same.
Jami: Please bring your sense of humor. Although it appears that I think I am a funny person, I am actually not. Not at all. My jokes fall flat. I need your help. You… Complete… Me…
PC:Also, please help me distinguish between sexual innuendo and outright perversion.
MY PASSIONS: My sons, my work, music, happiness, & finding love (not in that order.) As I type this I’m most passionate about finding Ms. Right. NO ONE is perfect, (least of all me) but the ideal gal would be able to help provide what I did NOT have in my last relationship: Homecooked meals now & then, romance, PDA, open communication, a similar sense of humor, and a sex drive (2-3 times a week minimum!) OH, and I LOVE kids, so if you have one or more, I consider that a plus, NOT a minus.
Jami: Noooo! Not in that order. Children don’t come first! Didn’t we learn anything from ROSIE!?
PC:Thank you Jami, I had just purged that image from my head, not four days ago, and you brought it back. Pardon me while I go search for the brain bleach. Also? We’ve never gone on this long before.
Jami: That’s what she said.
PC: The worse it is, the longer it seems to last.
Jami: That’s also what she said.
Things you should know about me: I wear my heart on my sleeve…I cry at some songs & movies…I’m not much of a ‘conventional’ man: I don’t give a living damn about ANY sports……..I was a radio DJ for 3 years…I could be persuaded to have ‘phone fun’…..not all my pix are rated G……I like to live on the edge (within reason.) If it’s legal and it feels good and it doesn’t hurt anyone, DO IT!
Jami: RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRUUUUUUUUUN FOR YOUR LIIIIIIIIIIVES! HE’S GOT COCK PICTURES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
PC: Not necessarily a cock pic. It could be PG 13.
Jami: You want to see it, don’t you? Sick.
PC:Actually, I was just fondly remembering the thought of fingers in the eyes.
Name something from the past that a woman did for you that REALLY made an impression: She gave me the crabs. No, seriously, the first one that comes to mind was a long time ago. I was a DJ at a restaurant and I came to work one day to find a bouquet of roses at my booth, sent from a girl I had just starting seeing. She sent them for no particular reason or occasion. I thought that was SO cool.
Jami: Editor’s revision: “Name something from the past that a woman did for you that REALLY made an impression: She gave me the crabs. No, seriously, the first one that comes to mind was a long time ago. I was a DJ at a restaurant and I came to work one day to find a bouquet of roses at my booth, sent from a girl I had just starting seeing. She sent them for no particular reason or occasion. I thought that was SO cool.”
PC: Well, first of all, I know that all the finest restaurants I’ve ever been to have a DJ booth.
Jami: Or booths at all!
Name some romantic things from the past that you’ve done for women: My ex is a flight attendant, and I used to sneak love notes with stuffed animals into her luggage that she would find when she got to her destination. I also put “I Love You” post-it notes on my last gf’s truck’s side-view mirror. Also had a dozen roses waiting for her at work when she arrived the following day.
Jami: Now there’s a clever girl. Pick a job where you don’t have to be home with this motherfucker AND you get be in the mile high club.
PC:Yes, very romantic to sneak stuff into someone else’s luggage, post 9-11. “What is in this teddy bear?” “Uh, I don’t know, KY?”
Favorite songs: Chesney’s Better As A Memory, Love Remembers by Craig Morgan, Zac Brown Band: Whatever It Is, and the entire Nickelback DARK HORSE cd, but especially Never Gonna Be Alone, Gotta Be Somebody, & I’d Come For You.
Jami: It’s over. He likes Nickelback. Please click this link and listen to this song.
Name a song that best describes your single situation right now: Ummm….. “My Right Hand Is Much Stronger Than My Left Hand Now That I’m Alone.” (OK, OK, SORRY!…) I have two. One is Shenandoah’s I Wanna Be Loved Like That, and the other is A Love Like That by Ty Herndon. Here are some of the lyrics to each:
Jami: Editor’s note: Lyrics removed because they sucked SO HARD.
PC: Other Editor’s note: Nickelback still sucks. Dot com.
Source(s) of Income: I have stock in Astroglide. No, seriously, I’m blessed to have two jobs that I adore.
Jami: God damn it dude. Is it Astroglide or KY? You can’t like both. It’s like… Coke and Pepsi, man! C’mon!
PC:No Jami, forgive me, but I have to set you straight. KY and Astroglide are not, repeat NOT like Coke and Pepsi. Those are colas, both somewhat similar products, with a distinct yet different flavor. KY and Astroglide are apples and oranges, Ford and Chevy, Beatles versus Stones. Wait, I have no idea where I’m going with this…
Jami: Hey, Astroglide! You’re my favorite!
Rate your job security with said employers on a scale of 1-10: 7, 9.
Jami: So this isn’t Johnny? Damn. Oooh! Johnny’s gonna be PISSED when he finds out you gave away ten shirts!
My warning(s) to you: a.) If you’re looking for a sugar-daddy, move on. But I can pay the bills and still have fun, and look forward to a Federal Pension down the road. b.) All three of my past ‘life loves’ were girls whose names started with the letter “D”. If your name starts with “D” OR if you’re a scorpio, either walk away now or consider this the biggest challenge of your life! Heehee ;c)
Jami: Isn’t it a little serendipitious that Date Wrecks starts with a D? PS — I’M ALSO A SCORPIO! Aw, shit.
PC: “D” is for Destiny, that’s good enough for me.
What is the most important quality that you are looking for in another person? AN ORIFICE! Chemistry- the “it” factor. I want to meet someone who I can laugh with and who keeps me from eating, sleeping, and functioning normally without thinking about her. I want to be that couple you see in the mall and you just gawk at them and go, “wow.” If I could get any kind of relationship, I would ask for one like that of Shannon Tweed and Gene $immons. If you’ve ever watched FAMILY JEWELS, you know what I mean. Magical.
Jami: I read that as the “tit” factor. I thought that was ACTUALLY kind of funny. Unlike the rest of this shit.
PC: Orifice. Gene Simmons. Family Jewels. Yuck, yuck, yuck. And not in the comedic, Three Stooges kind of way.
THANK YOU For taking so much time to read this. Drop me a line if you’d like and PLEASE be prepared to trade pics & chat- will respond the same day. I’m a nightowl but can often respond to emails during the day via my Blackberry. We can IM on AIM/AOL, etc. Keep smiling!
Jami: Oh, no… Thank YOU, kind sir. Thank you so, so, so much. Got any last closing remarks, PC?
PC: Uhhhhh. This ad makes me want to renounce my t-shirts.
