One of my favorite (read: I hate this shit) things about personal ads is when someone writes something, comes back to update it and, rather than just DELETE the old text, they fill the need to add dated addendums at the bottom of the profile. I’ve seen at least a half a dozen profiles that were otherwise good, but started out with “I’m a college student at blah de blah…” only to be followed up by “Updated May 2009: I graduated!” Hoo.ray. Just rewrite that shit.
Profiles like this are disjointed and remind me of that game when you were a kid where you’d say the first sentence of a story then the person next to you would say the next line, and so on until it circles back around to you. The story goes in a completely different direction that what you had intended and hilarity usually ensues. Hooray!
Also, I mean, you’ll see when you read it… It’s pretty clear that this dude is NOT keeping it real.
Careful with this one — he’s pretty shouty at first:
Be Real Please! I am – 46 (Rapid City South Dakota)
I HAVE A FAIRLY NORMAL(whatever you think that is) LIFE BESIDES THIS ONE I WRITE OF BELOW. I AM A SUCCESSFUL INTERNATIONAL BUSINESSMAN. AS I SAY BELOW I HAVE RESIDENCES IN MAY PLACES. I WILL SEND ACCURATE AND RECENT PICTURES TO THOSE I DEEM TRUSTWORTHY ONLY. SOME HAVE RECEIVED SOME PICTURES. THUS FAR I HAVE NOT SENT A TRUE DEPICTION OF ME. IT HAS BEEN FUN. FUN IS WHAT WE ALL SEEK. BUT TRUTH REINS SUPREME. WHAT DOES AVERAGE MEAN TO YOU? YOU GET MY DRIFT LADIES. IF YOU ARE MAD PLEASE TELL SOMEONE WHO CARES.IF YOU ARE ATTRACTIVE, WELL BUILT (NOT FAKE) YOU KNOW IT AND YOU WILL NOT BE MAD AT ME BUT ONLY YOURSELF. YOUR LITTLE GRAVEN IMAGES (PHOTOS) HIDE THE TRUTH AND YOU STILL WANT TO MEET HAVING DECEIVED ME AND HAVING WASTED MY TIME. WHY? WHAT WILL YOU HAVE ACCOMPLISHED? DO YOU REALLY NEED TO BE TOLD FACE TO FACE THAT WALL-MART DOESN’T HAVE ISLES YET WIDE ENOUGH FOR TWO OF YOU GALS TO PASS EACH OTHER WITHOUT A NUCLEAR MELTDOWN? HOW MANY BIG MACS DID IT TAKE YOU TO GET TO WHERE YOU HAVE TO GO TO THE LOCAL TENT AND AWNING COMPANY TO HAVE YOU CLOTHES MADE? IS IT TURNING INTO A ONE SIZE FITS ALL AMERICA? HOW ARE YOU ABLE TO WIPE YOU BOTTOMS?
DON’T PUT TOO MUCH CHEESE IN THE TRAP. MY MOUTH ISN’T THAT BIG AND THE ODOR WILL NO DOUBT WARN ME.
I cannot AND WILL NOT post a picture here. I believe it (the picture) contains to many megapixels. That is the truth. I MAY email my picture upon request to your email once I’ve seen the entire and current you. Please communicate. I don’t believe you will be disappointed in me.
I am a muscular, fairly large chested man. My dimensions are 44 -37- normal butt. I have no need nor do I have any plans for cosmetic surgery of any type whatsoever. I have always believed if I am not enjoying myself and life i am wasting a wonderful opportunity. How about all you pretty ladies? I am not pessimistic but rather totally optimistic in every way. I truly believe that even in America there still exist a beautiful lady who’s always taken care of her mind, body and soul as I have and she and I will indeed fall in love eternally. Call me a dreamer but be real. Real doesn’t mean 250 pounds on a frame God designed for you to carry 110 pounds on ladies. Break your bones not mine chubby.
I just moved to Rapid City.I am almost never at this residence though I do love God’s beautiful work here in the nature outside the city. I have other residences also in other states and countries. My career is intense, sometimes a bit dangerous for me and always a thrill a minute. It isn’t for old folks believe me. You have to be in excellent physical shape to keep up. No past surgeries requiring ongoing doctor attention will do. No family or friend attachments that cannot wait a few weeks will do. FREEDOM is the key. Think about that please. Our freedom is everything to us. If it isn’t it should be. Do you have FREEDOM? Are you umbelically tied to anything? If you answer is yes well then you are indeed a slave and not a good mate for me.
I will state just the facts when and only when I have found a beautiful, unattached LADY to travel in luxury with me on official business. This does require a worldly, extremely attractive lady who can be around a Hog farmer in Texas or a professional Politician anywhere. Wealth isn’t required. All expenses are paid. Some nice clothes are required as well as casual, comfortable clothing . We can select those on our travel to my assignments. I have done this work too long alone. It is the traveling alone I mostly refer too. There’s little danger to my partner.
This is a serious job for me. You must be discreet in every conceivable way.
New:
7-24-09 Tattoo’s okay if done well and can be totally concealed by clothing with the exception of swimming suits and Bikinis. Bikini bodies are a must – absolutely no stretch marks and no fake body parts accepted. You must be a natural sized lady from 0 to 8 maximum. No apologies will be returned to all shallow minds out there. I have preserved my body and you either have or have not. No tummy tuckers or mother…………. You may be anywhere from 4′ 10″ to 5′ 11″. Nothing can be fake….nothing and no false teeth either. Please have sparkling white teeth, Angel’s breath and pouty, wanna be kissed, luscious lips, full and natural hair, great complexion and know how to say something more that duh and I’m hungry.
Is there really such a thing as “International Businessman”? What the hell does that even mean? I mean, wouldn’t it make sense just to say what KIND of business you’re in? This is one of those tell-tale “I’m actually a douche” signs, eh?
So, if I’m following this correctly, he’s only going to send pictures to someone that he thinks he can trust… And some folks have gotten pictures already, but he hasn’t yet sent out a “true depiction” of himself…? I’m thinking somebody can’t be trusted. But I’m glad he’s having fun with this little love experiment.
I’m also guessing he’s got an average cock. That’s what I think he means anyway, and he didn’t clarify, so I’m goin’ with my gut on this one!
This sentence is pretty perplexing to me though: “IF YOU ARE ATTRACTIVE, WELL BUILT (NOT FAKE) YOU KNOW IT AND YOU WILL NOT BE MAD AT ME BUT ONLY YOURSELF.” Sentence structure is so totally overrated, Mr. International Businessman, right? Dag, yo.
This section just ooooozed with sensitivity and optimism: “DO YOU REALLY NEED TO BE TOLD FACE TO FACE THAT WALL-MART DOESN’T HAVE ISLES YET WIDE ENOUGH FOR TWO OF YOU GALS TO PASS EACH OTHER WITHOUT A NUCLEAR MELTDOWN? HOW MANY BIG MACS DID IT TAKE YOU TO GET TO WHERE YOU HAVE TO GO TO THE LOCAL TENT AND AWNING COMPANY TO HAVE YOU CLOTHES MADE? IS IT TURNING INTO A ONE SIZE FITS ALL AMERICA? HOW ARE YOU ABLE TO WIPE YOU BOTTOMS?” Oh my fucking God, no he di’in’t!
“DON’T PUT TOO MUCH CHEESE IN THE TRAP. MY MOUTH ISN’T THAT BIG AND THE ODOR WILL NO DOUBT WARN ME.” Are we talking about vag cheese, dude? Because… ew. That ain’t normal, holmes. Or is this a metaphor for something really poignant…?
Contrary to what he says, I’m already disappointed in him. I am happy that he was able to stop TYPING IN ALL CAPS LIKE A MOTHERFUCKING INTERNET NEWBZ.
Is “fairly large chested” a selling point for men that I’m missing? Is he admitting that he’s got moobs? And ass? M&A baby… M&A!
“Real doesn’t mean 250 pounds on a frame God designed for you to carry 110 pounds on ladies. Break your bones not mine chubby.” I mean, sure… That isn’t the definition of real, but I’m fearful he’s gonna have a whole troop of fatties comin’ and fucking his shit up.
My career is intense, sometimes a bit dangerous for me and always a thrill a minute. It isn’t for old folks believe me. You have to be in excellent physical shape to keep up. No past surgeries requiring ongoing doctor attention will do. No family or friend attachments that cannot wait a few weeks will do. Translation: I’m a drug dealer. Harvesting the cocoa fields in Colombia can be back-breaking work and I’d hate for you to have friends (ick) and family (shudder) meddling in our international business operations.
It is the traveling alone I mostly refer too. There’s little danger to my partner. There’s always a risk of overdosing on nose-candy though, baby. But you shouldn’t be in danger of stray bullets and whatnot. There’s gonna be at least six or eight armed men lookin’ out for my biotch. Mmmkay?
And the addendum? Thanks for adding this little tidbit in there. I wonder just how long he’s had this same lame personal ad up on Craigslist…? It’s probably going to be up there for a long time coming, still…
Oh… wove…. Twue wove: Bikini bodies are a must – absolutely no stretch marks and no fake body parts accepted. You must be a natural sized lady from 0 to 8 maximum. No tummy tuckers or mother…………. You may be anywhere from 4′ 10″ to 5′ 11″. Nothing can be fake….nothing and no false teeth either. Please have sparkling white teeth, Angel’s breath and pouty, wanna be kissed, luscious lips, full and natural hair, great complexion and know how to say something more that duh and I’m hungry.
God speed, Good Sir.
