Please excuse my tardiness in getting this edition to you. I won’t bring you down, but suffice it to say there was something fairly traumatic that happened this week with someone very near and dear to my family. I had to tend to it.
Hope you enjoy this post today — pulled from Episodes 6 and 7, some of his Greatest Hits!
Previously on The Personals Critic: People wrote stupid stuff on craigslist, and I made it funny with my smartass commentary. Big surprise, more of the same today! Turn down the volume on your monitors, this first one is a screamer.
First:
“GOOD EVENING GENTLEMEN!!! I AM A SEXY!! BRUNETTE.!!!! I CAN HOST, OR DO A CAR DATE. I AM A CLEAN, SAFE, DRUG FREE PERSON. FOR DONATION AND CONTACT NUMBER, PLEASE E-MAIL ME.”
Donation? Car date? Something tells me if you ask this chick if she’s free for the evening, the answer would be “yes and no.”
“Ill discribe some of my qualities to you.. I am pretty much tenacious and most importantly a good communicator!!”
I just love a joke that requires no punch line.
“your pic will get mine in return”
She had three pictures of herself posted in the ad. I’m serious.
“The personality that makes me unique is my wacky personality.”
That’s the beauty of multiple personalities, it’s a roll of the dice whether it’s the wacky one that comes out or the one that tells her to snap your head off like a dandelion and drink your spinal fluid.
“My friends tell me that they never know what i will say or do next. “
She read it right there in the restraining order.
Second:
“Want to talk on the phone? – 42 (Montpelier) Let’s start by chatting and see where it goes.”
That’s the whole ad. I’m racing to the phone right now because we have so much to talk about. I guess the first thing we’ll discuss is the fact that we can’t start by talking on the phone, because you didn’t include your phone number. Unlike this next one, I have a feeling we would have a lot to talk about…
“Hey, so i am so so lonly i am lookinng for a cute sweet guy i can talk to email txt ( dont care for really talking on the phone myself) maybe even meet up& hanging out! anyway my life seems to be missing something i want something like this in my life a guy who: would take me hiking in the woods we would be having a blast just talking when suddinly it starts to rain i take shelter under a tree you come up to me to keep me warm, then you take your back pack off from inside you pull out some rope you tie me up to the tree my body completly soked from the rain still, then you take a knife out from the baag i look a little scared you just simle and cut off all my clothing down to nothing i am the tied up for you , then you look at me smile touch my trembuling wet body and………well u can finsish the story on ur own i think -wink- so yeah i am blond blue eyes 5’3 165 lbs D cup nip ring 3 little tat lost of fun very nice sweet and cute looking for a nice guy that i can be friends with and maybe a little more ttyl i look farward to hearing how you would finish my storie ~Kay~”
Holy shit. Am I going to have to testify about this at some point? Have you not heard of the Craigslist Killer?  You’re shy about talking on the phone, but you want a stranger, who you met on the internet, to tie you to a tree and cut your clothes off with a knife. What’s the matter, have you grown tired of your tame lifestyle of putting the kids to bed and watching Filipino tranny porn while making crystal meth in an Easy Bake oven?
“Me: Fun, outgoing, tall, witty, intelligent, plus-sized grad student. Auburn hair, blue-green eyes, good smile. I switch between being a girl’s girl and a guy’s girl pretty seamlessly and enjoy doing pretty much anything.”
Was this ad supposed to be posted in w4wm? Can you switch between being a girl’s girl and a guy’s girl in a hotel room in front of a video camera? Because I know a girl, and she’s into it…
“may cause itching – 21 (Somersworth) Please excuse the posting title,, i couldnt think of anything clever to say and I was watching an add for Psoriasis and went with it… PS i do not have psoriasis…”
Well, you got my attention, and now I’m wondering what the real reason for the itching is…
“So I am a 21 year old female and I have a 4 year old daughter. Do I sound like a catch or what? The good news is I have my own place, I have a stable job, and I am not on welfare. Take that statistics!”
Way to aim for the low end of the middle.
“I consider myself to be an outgoing person… not a smoker although I do hit the bottle on occasion. You can be the judge of my appearance as I have many, many pictures. I like to laugh… I’m sure everyone says that though I mean who actually says “I hate laughing” ? Im not really sure what to say… I don’t have any pets, but I do have a birdcage which is the first step.”
Are you hitting the bottle now? Is it hitting you back?
“I do not consider myself to be an extremely religious person but I am enough to feel a heavy sense of guilt every waking moment of my life. Thank you mother.”
Ah, Catholicism. From a state of grace to soul crushing shame in a single sin. Fun for the whole family.
Third:
“Live in girlfriend? – 23 (Nashua/Manchester NH) Have you ever considered having a sexy young BBW lady move in with you?”
It’s all I think about. That and removing my toenails with needle nose pliers.
“There to please you whenever you want, to cuddle you at night, to lounge on the couch watching TV with you, to share in the everyday?”
Is there any way that you could come to work with me too, so we could never be apart? Can we be surgically attached at the face? This sounds too good to be true.
“Cute, friendly, plus sized girl looking for someone who’d like to share his home/apartment. I have a job, go to school, and am in no way a mooch or a bum 
.”
I just want to skip that mundane ‘getting to know each other’ phase and go straight to having you wish I would move out.
“I just have a fantasy about being the live-in mistress / lover / girlfriend for a fun and romantic guy.”
Live-in mistress? I’m pretty sure the wife’s gonna find out if you actually jump into bed with us at the end of the day.
Don’t forget to check in on Wednesday for another one-two-post-punch with He Said – She Said.
