The Personals Critic — Vol 4

I totally ::heart:: PC. I really do.

His email to me this week with his submission went like this:

First:

“What i’m looking for in a guy…i like em stalky”

That particular spelling of that particular word could be defined a couple of different ways, but I have a feeling neither of them are the meaning you were shooting for.

“Hello. My name is Julie and I am 18. physically I am 5-6”

Is that your height, your age, or are you ranking yourself on a scale of 1-10?

“I LOVE alliteration.I read a lot of books.”

I have a sneaking suspicion that she thinks alliteration means reading a lot of books.

“I love to sing, swim, camp, ride quads, play volleyball, spend time with family I dont drink smoke or do drugs. I’d like to meet someone who isn’t afraid of commitment or being with just one person. Im extremely close with my family and spend a lot of time with them. I’m a non-smoker who drinks occasionally.”

She jumped onto and off of the sobriety wagon in a single paragraph.

“I would like to meet an honest, nice man, interested in a relationship and NOT a 1 nite stand or a fling. I can though be romantic (I am an excellent cook for chocolate chip cookies!) and love to cuddle.”

Romantic, cookies, cuddle.� These are related?� Should the title of this ad have read “Betty Crocker ISO Pillsbury Dough Boy”?� Come for the sex, stay for the cookies.� Gives a whole new meaning to heating things up between the sheets.� Oh yeah, grease my pan.� Hey baby, let’s whip up a batch of KY Jelly doughnuts.� I can’t decide if I’m horny or hungry.

Second:

Here are a few women who know exactly what they are looking for…

“a guy whos romantic and also knows how to have fun. likes music and laughing and being random at times. somone who brings out the best in me and loves to do stuff on the weekends, but also is ook with just cuddling and waching a movie.somone not to shy but not to loud. he has to like music cuz in the summer time thats whare im at (concerts).a guy with a future and smarts.”

Judging by the way that was written, “smarts” is relative.� As I suspect her parents may have been.

“Looking for Others like Me… I am romantic and passionate person who is looking to find my other half.”

ISO doppelganger.� I’m like a conjoined twin whose left half was removed, I’m all right now.

“i am 33 and looking for a male friend who is just as unhappy in life as i am and looking to make friends and see where things go.”

Yeah, why be miserable and alone, when we can be miserable together?

Third:

Speaking of misery, our final contestant today may have cornered the market.

“Hello:“

Why, hello there.

“I’m posting on craigslist to see what’s out there.”

That would explain why I’m reading your ad on craigslist.� Funny how that works, isn’t it?

“I’m looking for a male companion that may eventually turn into a relationship.”

Are you looking for a human male companion, or more something of the canine persuasion?

“I’m not looking for the ‘perfect man’ as I know we all have our flaws.”

Translation:� I have low standards, low expectations, and I have already prepared myself for the day when you live down to your full potential.

“I can’t do the single father thing. I have tried that and it’s not something I personally can handle as I know I will never be first and it was hard for me.”

Wow, good luck in life sweetie.� Don’t worry, some day you’ll have kids of your own, and you can make them feel inferior with only minimal governmental interference.

“I also will not date someone who does any sort of drug. Drinking alcohol and smoking is okay as long as it is in moderation.”

So, by “any sort of drug”, you mean a short list of drugs that you have deemed undesirable.� Methinks drugs might not be such a bad thing in some cases.� May I recommend anything ending in the suffix “zepam”?

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