More of The Personals Critic’s Greatest Hits. These ads were posted in Vermont and New Hampshire craigslist some weeks ago, and are prime examples of some of the worst the Northeast has to offer. Go pee before reading. Either that or take a shower after reading, up to you, really.
First:
“I work with computers all day, but would like to find someone to play with MY knobs once in a while.”
Okay, first of all, if your computer has knobs, it’s probably not a computer. Is it an old television? Is it a World War II era field phone? Are you checking your e-mail on an Etch-A-Sketch? Second, if you have a knob, I don’t want to play with it.
Second:
“PERSONAL ASSistant – 45 (White River Junction)Â Tell me what you want and I will tell you what it will cost you. “
Let’s start with what I don’t want. I don’t want a 45 year old hooker from White River Junction. Other things I don’t want include, but are not limited to: Gonorrhea, Chlamydia, parasitic infections of any kind, and an arrest record any longer than it already is.
Third:
“Looking for a nice guy – 24 (Hanover/Lebanon/WRJ) So I’ve always been the type of girl that needed a guy to make me happy. But as I see more and more of my friends settling down and getting engaged and married, I want someone to be with and makes me happy.”
So then, really nothing has changed.
“While looks aren’t that important to me, we must be attracted to each other.”
So then, looks are important to you.
Fourth:
The following ad is quite possibly my favorite ever, and is a good example of why the mentally challenged should be supervised when using the internet:
“to the man who has a secret crush on me ,i went to the dating sight you told me to go to .and then i pooped in yuor name yuo gave me ,and only men from out of state came up ???????“
I have yet to meet the woman who is willing to poop in my name.
“i would like to continue chating with you ,and get to know you ,for i have been dating ,.maybe we could have coffee together,.conversation also .would be nice.iam looking for a relaionship .but at the same time taking it slow .“
Taking it slow does not seem optional with this poor girl. She’s posting on craigslist, and actually attempting to have a conversation with a bot. This is something you don’t see every day, and yes, it must be exploited.
“so you allready know about me my lifestyle etc.i would like to learn these thing about you also .“
Like, for example, how big is your “hard drive“?
“i promise yuo after i know who you are it will not be akward being around each other,and it is nice to know that a man has a crush on me ,who knows maybe i have one on you ???“
His name is Mac N. Tosh. He recently graduated from CPU, he loves his mother (board), he has an excellent memory, and his favorite food is spam and eggs.
“we dont know until we chat right .well eamil me back when you get or see this posting please,thank you ,have a great weekend and also enjoy the weather …”
The good news is that since this posting she met a very nice kitchen stove, and they are going out this weekend. Within the year they will be engaged, and soon after that she’ll be expecting a bouncing baby toaster oven.
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Message from Jami:
Despite much gnashing of teeth, I have convinced The Personals Critic to join Twitter! Well, not so much convinced as, set it up, customized the page, and gave him the login info. Seriously, for a guy who posts on the internet, he’s totally netarded. So, follow him and then show him your twat.
Don’t be a twit!
C’mon tweeple!
Ok, ok. The twitter jokes are bad. I’m sorry. Just go follow him! Read what he twote!
