Okay, for those who may be new to this, what I do is scan the personals, w4m in VT and NH, looking for the worst ads I can find, and repost them here with my own little smartass commentary. Think of it as the opposite of “best-of-craigslist”. It goes a little something like this…
First:
“I am both employed, have a car, and have a house.”
It can’t be easy to be both of those three things.
“I have a lot to offer a man and I am willing to share my ‘love’ with the right person.”
I always wanted to fall in ‘love‘. Maybe one day I’ll get ‘married’ and have ‘kids‘.
“I enjoy slow long walks (not hiking ), outdoors ( in the summer )”
Great, so my idea for our first date is shot to hell, I was going to suggest we go on a fast paced indoor winter hike.
“A little about me Im 5 10 kinda thick blue blonde”
Kinda thick and blue, she’s either slow and depressed, or she is Smurfette.
“I am just a sweet, fun-loving, caring, generous girl who wants the same.”
Then shouldn’t you be posting in w4w?
Second:
“Hey Hey How you Doin’ – 28 (Saugerties) Hey, Hey!!! What is good in your world?!?!”
Caution, dear reader, chipper alert.
“Single White female here. (like you couldn’t figure that one out from me posting an ad on Craig list)”
I wasn’t aware that craigslist had a whites only policy.
“I’m 28, am 5’3”, have blue eyes and am, as not all prefer but some do , a BBW (big beautiful woman) From what I figureyou have one of two choices either you aren’t going to find my ad very interesting at all or you are going to send me a replay with a, “Hey Hey Lady, How you do!!!” Or not.”
Not. Actually, I’m shooting for something in the middle. I’m not sending you a reply, or a “replay” for that matter, but I do find you and your ad utterly fascinating.
“Haha that would be kinda Joey (if you know what I mean by that when I said Joey you soooo rock!)”
Friends don’t let friends watch Friends.
“but totally funny and equally as awesome because that’s Hella SWEET!!!”
Okay, if there are any Vermont or New Hampshire state legislators reading this, is there any way we could pass a law making it illegal for anyone over the age of 25 to use the word “Hella”? Also, if you’re over 25 and use the word “chill” as an adjective, (as in “I’m just looking for some chill people to hang with” please die in a fire in front of your kids immediately.
“I had coffee today so I apologize to all your moms and some of your sisters!”
Yeah, no shit on the coffee. Here’s a tip, coke and speed do not cancel each other out.
“So yeah check this out I love to laugh and to make other people around me laugh as well.”
And when they don’t want to laugh, I handcuff them to the plumbing in my basement and tickle them with a tire iron.
“I co-mingle in my own world that I like to call Ali-ville. FYI my name is Alison AKA Ali therefore and hence if you are slow and I need to spell things out for you A L I – V I L L E!!!!! “
Aliville = Planet Crazy. Let me spell that out for you. C R A Z Y.
“I am very out doorsy! LOVE ITTTTT!!!! I love camping fishing and yes fat people can Hike!!!! “
Remember that episode of Star Trek where Spock went into that accelerated dimension and was moving so fast that no one could see him? I think he was in Ali-ville.
“I work a lot but I always find time to relax. I try to always have my weekends free to do what ever I please. “
Find time to relax = take my sleepytime pill.
“I am on Craig list looking for some cool kick ass people for friends and maybe more. I would like more but am not going into anything looking for a husband (learned from the restraining order the last guy I met off Craig’s slapped on my ass!!!)”
Okay, if you didn’t see that one coming a mile away, you really shouldn’t be responding to any online personals. Ever.
“I’d like to say I recover quickly from my mistakes!”
And I’d like to say you’re not gearing up for your next restraining order, but I really can’t.
“Well anyway I think I have rambled on enough about nonsense stuff that only makes sense in Ali-ville. Wont you please come visit!”
Yeah, that whole ‘not seeming crazy’ thing? You’re doing it wrong.
Until next time,
The Personals Critic
