Our submitter today asked to remain anonymous, and… I get it. I really do.
The email she received on OkCupid was… Just… You should read.
“Hi, I’m Michael. I want your first impression of me to be tantalizing, intriguing, and captivating. I am not a movie star or sports personality. I am not a writer or a director. I am no one famous. You will probably never ever encounter me any where but right here on this site. I most likely will never be famous or infamous. I will how ever leave my mark upon the world and do my best to make it a better place.
I used to be a chef and I used my culinary skills to take me back and forth across the U.S.A. I have cooked in two of the most well know places in this country and I have also worked in the worst places. I have been a dishwasher and I’ve been and ex. chef. I have bussed tables and severed as well as bar tended. I became so well versed the the food service industry that I really believed that was it for my life. Not only did the kitchen get me around the country but it also took me to Mexico, Canada, Ireland(I’m 100% Irish by the way), Germany and Sweden. So to say the least about myself, I can cook my ass off. How ever the price of all the kitchens I’ve worked in took its toll on me. I became A very heavy drinker and used drugs as well. I’m not saying that because of the kitchen i began to drink. I would have done that anywhere. The kitchen made it easier to do it. Working in restaurants is a party lifestyle. Late nights, even later mornings. I lived this way for a long time.
Then something amazing happened. I grew up. I took responsibility for my life and got the help I needed. I fought a long and hard battle with alcohol and drugs. It took me three years and a bunch of relapses to get to where i am now. I have a completely new life and have been walking a new path for over two years now. I am a college student with a bright future ahead of me.
I am going to be the best nurse that I can be. I am going to help as many people as I can. This career chose also will be able to provide for the family that I want. Yes that’s right, I want a family. I want A wife and children. I want to live in a real home and have holidays with people that I love. I want to find a woman to be my best friend and I want to grow into love with her. See, I don’t think love is a feeling, its an action. Its how you live your life and how you take take care of others around you that says love. Otherwise its just meaningless words dribbled out to satisfy lust and nothing more.
So do I have your attention yet. Are you sitting on the edge of your seat. Can you not wait to read on or have I lost you. Have I gone over the edge or not deep enough yet.
The changes in my life have come at a great cost. I realize that the life I have is a great gift not to be squandered on trivial matters of this world. Our life span is short and needs to be spent on being the people we can be. I will be the first one to admit my imperfections and faults. I AM A HOT MESS. How ever I do the best that I can to be a better person today then I was yesterday and if I get tomorrow I want to be better then today.
Hopefully this gives you a good look and perspective of the kind of MAN that I am. If there is anything more you would like to know about me just ask. I will give the honest truth about myself at all costs. Life is to short for games and lies.”
Um, how in the WORLD are you even supposed to reply to an email like that?
Um, here’s my best shot:
Dear Michael,
Yes, YOU ARE A HOT MESS.
Love, Jami
PS Could you give me clarification on the busing tables and “severing”? I mean… were you severing heads? Or is that restaurant speak?
What in the fuck would possess a man to email you this on your first introduction?
Oh, and a little tidbit for you guys, his profile contained this same.damn.wording — just copied and pasted. I’d show you, but he’s deleted his OkStupid profile, dang it.
