PC: Okay Jami, since you’ve been off the grid for the last few days, I thought I might submit someone from up my way for this week’s He Said, She Said. This submission comes from Casey, a lovely girl in her early twenties who I met online, we got together for coffee, and pretty much decided we were both sarcastic bitch/bastards and would kill each other if we actually dated, so we’re friends instead. She is also apparently your evil twin, your doppelganger, your sistah from another mistah, basically she’s the only other female I know who gets off on “That’s what she said” jokes.
Jami: I have missed you, PC. Deeply. I’m so glad I’ve got my internet back. Last Tuesday night, I just cried and cried and sat in my dark house mourning the silence and cursing my network card. Just a disclaimer: “gets off” is um… I mean, PC means to say that I laugh. I laugh at those jokes. I don’t, um… get off to them.
PC: Oh sure, you don’t get off.
Jami: Only to the Golden Girls… And Perfect Strangers… Mmmm Balki.
PC: First of all, just going by the info he has provided, he joined Myspace last Sunday, and has already hit on a chick I know, so he’s clearly motivated. He’s a douche on the go, with things to see, and people to do. And apparently it’s going just swimmingly, because his only friend is Tom Anderson. But hey, Tom’s pretty much the only person left on Myspace, so if you’ve found a use for it, bravo.
Jami: I remember when I had Myspace still, it was kind of comical to keep Tom as your friend. He held the top spot on my friend’s list for a while until I realized how fucking stupid that was. It was shortly after that I also realized how fucking stupid blinky, glittery, music-playing Myspace was in GENERAL. Let’s dive into this motherfucker, shall we?
Single Women of America….Look no further! Are you single, going to be single, or just married and unhappy? Boy have I got an opportunity for you. Dating me! Yes, you’re reading this right. There’s nothing wrong with your eyes. I am now available for a long-term relationship.
PC: This sounds to me like advertising copy. Really bad advertising copy, for a pharmaceutical product you wouldn’t want to buy. “Ladies, do you suffer from constipation, diarrhea, gender confusion, decreased will to live and a complete lack of ovary action.? Then try dating me! Prolonged exposure to me may cause constipation, diarrhea, gender confusion, decreased will to live and a complete lack of ovary action.”
Jami: I love it when people contradict themselves in the first sentence — SINGLE women of America can’t be married. Being unhappy in a marriage doesn’t mean you’re automatically single. It means you’re a regular married person. Did you just say ovary action? Yeowch.
Allow me to tell you a little bit about what I am looking for… This re-conditioned profile the brainchild of myself, and disgust at the monotonous drone of dating websites out there. I’m tired of the over-abundance of men on them, with eligible women’s mailboxes inundated with small, petty e-mails from desperate men (like myself). So here I am.
PC: In other words: “I’m sure you’re sick of guys like me, but fortunately I’m nothing like them.”
Jami: Look! Pretty pretty words! Words with multiple syllables! This must mean he’s smart, right?
In this profile, you will learn about me, what I am looking for, what I look like, what I sound like, and you can simply e-mail me for all contact information to get ahold of me.
PC: I love it when somebody wastes my time by telling me what he’s going to tell me
Jami: It’s called an introductory paragraph, PC. It’s an important part of every sixth-grade level English paper. <scoff!> I can’t wait to hear what he sounds like… “My voice is a little bit like a Fraggle, but deeper and sometimes screechy when I’m achieving climax.”
PC: That may be the only time in history that someone has referenced a Fraggle sexually. At least I’m praying it is.
Jami: Come and get away! [clap clap]
This page is current, and I am still single and looking. So take a look and see if you are interested. Then, there are no surprises later. Sound good? Good, then read on. Doesn’t sound good? Then go away. No one wants to read your bitter, thoughtless hatemails which mask your disgust with your own life. Go write crappy poetry in a back alley somewhere.
PC: Well, first of all, I’m pretty sure the Date Wrecks stats disagree, people clearly love reading our bitter, thoughtless hatemails. Second, I don’t know about you Jami, but I’m quite open and honest about my disgust with my own life. Third, and most important: Is that what the kids are doing in the back alleys these days? Writing crappy poetry? I never thought I’d miss the good old days, when you would go to a back alley to score some crack and get either a five dollar handy or a fifty dollar abortion, depending on your needs. Them back alleys is versatile.
Jami: He must live in the ‘burbs. “Back alleys” in the ‘burbs are like… driveways to big houses, right? Shared driveways? And yes… People love to hear my cantankerous cunty rantings… Almost as much as I love to hear my cantankerous cunty rantings.
PC: You mean your cuntankerants?
Jami: Marry me. Right the fuck now.
What I’m looking for: A woman Age Range: 18-29 Can be from anywhere on the planet. Can be of any race. Weight is not important, as long as you are not housebound. Don’t mind if you live with your parents. Don’t mind if you are a college student. Must have a desire to learn about the world around you. Must not ever say “um ok” in response to a strange question or statement. That is simply annoying. Must not wear sneakers with a dress Must not wear socks with sandals Must not wear socks without shoes Must not wear a bright shirt tucked into jeans, which are hiked up over a large gut Must not wear bright white sneakers (yes, I have a minor foot fascination, not the creepy kind, though) Must not wear velcro sneakers….EVER! Must not, as a matter of fact, wear sneakers except in an exercise situation or a physical activity situation. Must not have a boyish, short haircut. Why do people do that?! Must have decent teeth. I understand if your teeth are a bit crooked, but at least brush them and floss regularly. Must have good breath…no exceptions here. If your breath reeks, thats a total dealbreaker. Unless you are wicked hot, then we’ll talk. Must not smoke…social smoking is acceptable. Social drinking is acceptable. Would prefer someone that wants kids in the near future, but I am flexible on that issue.
PC: Okay, just in case you went into anaphylactic shock on that paragraph, allow me to sum up. There’s really no way to sum that up, but I’ll try anyway. Lots of oddly specific criteria, social smokers are fine as long as they don’t smoke, weight doesn’t matter as long as you aren’t fat, no bad breath unless you’er hot, and he’s the only guy on the planet who has a non-creepy foot fetish. How was that?
Jami: SHIT. On THIS planet? Fuck. I fold. Plus, I’m a fat social smoker who gets fur on my teeth from the snoring and mouth breathing. FUCK. And when I take my shoes off, for a brief moment, I’m only wearing socks. Unless I’m wearing my Chucks. I don’t wear socks with my Chucks. He didn’t mention it, but I think most people think that’s disgusting.
About me: I am 28 years old. I live in Vermont, but I am originally from the Binghamton, NY area. I have a job, two cars, and an apartment. I attended Binghamton University until 2005. I currently work as a scheduler at a doctor’s office. I love playing the stock market. I love writing…you can find a link to a sample of my work here.
PC: There was no link. However, being a keen observer, I would have to classify his writing style as “Stream of Unconsciousness”.
Jami: I love how he “attended” university until 2005… Not like… GRADUATED in 2005. And dude… PC. Are you awake? He’s a SCHEDULER AT A DOCTOR’S OFFICE. What the fuck is that? Ohhh right. A receptionist. Dur. “I left the community college that I was attending when I was offered $8.15/hour by my pediatrician to come work in his office. It was an opportunity that I just couldn’t pass up.”
PC: Yeah, I saw that, I let it slide. I figure that if I’m gonna mock someone’s station in life, I should probably go out and get myself a station in life, and frankly, it’s too much bother.
Jami: You’re getting soft on me, PC. Man up.
PC: Okay, lemme take another crack at it. How about this. Does a scheduler one day get promoted to receptionist? What would the test be, if he makes a really kickass pot of coffee, and puts hard candies on his desk?
I enjoy all types of music except country and polka. I love eighties music. My favorite song is currently “Everybody Have Fun Tonight,” by Wang Chung. I also like FIona Apple and The Beatles. My favorite movie is “Fight Club.”
Jami: Polka? What is this? Mid 19th Century Czechoslovakia?
PC: That’s right kids, he said Wang Chung, Fiona Apple, The Beatles, and Fight Club. Oh, another one of THOSE guys.
Jami: Seriously, when I read Wang Chung, I chortled. CHORTLED. I didn’t know I had it in me.
Things I hate: People who are really busy, and decide that they want everyone else to be aware of how busy they are. Especially on dating sites. Its like, what the heck? Why are you even on here if you have no time to do anything? You talk to them for awhile, and when you try to set up a time to meet, they say “Its tough, I’m really busy.”
PC: “I’m really busy”. Brought to you by the makers of “I like you as a friend”, “I’m washing my hair that night” and “I only have sixty years to live and I don’t want to spend them with you.”
Jami: I have nothing to ad here because you are too brilliant for me, PC. Bravo.
PC: Thank you, thank you. Taking my bows.
Ugh. People who are creeped out by everything. These people are the worst. Like when you ask them out on a date, and they’re like “I don’t meet strangers.” Then why are you on a dating site?! I forgot, strangers and creeps don’t go into bars, since that is what you think a safe place to meet someone looks like. Have fun with that one.
PC: Yeah, the whole foot thing? Just a coincidence.
Jami: Why is it that creepy people don’t understand that they’re creepy? It’s a widespread problem that I would really like the United Nations or… The Screen Actor’s Guild… or somebody to address. When people act like you’ve creeped them out — IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE A CREEP.
People with no ambition. I could care less what you do for a living. You could be flipping burgers at Arby’s for all I care. Just have some sort of interest in the world around you and a basic passion for life and learning. People who want to be “friends first.” Give me a break. Does that ever really work? People who don’t believe in evolution. IT HAPPENED! People who park their carts diagonally in the middle of the aisle at a grocery store. MOVE OUT OF THE WAY! People who stink up public restrooms. GO POO POO AT HOME! People who don’t drain water out of the soap dish in the shower. It makes the soap all soggy and slimey. Ew. People who don’t say thank you. People who blame everything on their childhood. It’s not because your mommy didn’t hug you enough. It’s not society’s fault. So drop it! Ok. Now that this is out of the way, on to the pics. Above, you will find my most recent pics. So please, please, PLEASE don’t ask me for more! That is SO annoying. “anymore pics?” There are a bunch of them on here! I look like the pics on here, so just look at them! They are all very recent (within about a month). I haven’t changed much. Trust me. I love the people who ask for five million pics, and they themselves have one fuzzy picture from about ten years ago, where they’re wearing some “FRANKIE SAYS RELAX” t-shirt with a pizza sauce stain on it or something. And don’t say “well, that one was blurry and that one had a glare…” I looked at the pics. They are not perfect, but they aren’t blurry. So, if you are going to say they are blurry, go get your eyes checked. Yes, I am aware that I sound like a jerk, but I am just getting so incredibly tired of this whole dating scene. I really would like to find someone to settle down with, though.
Jami: You know what I hate? People who hate too much. And that’s really saying something for ME to think that you’re being too much of a hater. Dude. Get some sunshine. I also hate people who have iiiiiiiiiiiiity bittttttttttttty pictures that aren’t that great in the first place. Tiny pictures = ugly mug. I’m right about this one. Trust me. Also three pictures does not equal a “bunch”.
PC: All you need is love. Love is all you need. And a sammich. Yes, and then they go on to bitch about people who ask for more pics, or post crappy pics. Methinks the douchebag doth protest too much.
Jami: You said doth. <quiver> Oh wait.. No. I meant <shiver>
