PC: (Pithy, er, sorry, witty, intro goes here. And no, Jami, pithy and witty aren’t really the same thing, I just didn’t want to take the time to explain it. Life’s a bitch, get a helmet.)

The UNITED STATES OF AMERICA RULE – 37 (FEDERAL WAY)

WOULD YOU LIKE A JOB? CARE PROVIDER WANTED. FOR HOUSE CLEANING. Looking for a girlfriend as well.

PC: Wow, two birds, one stone. Good idea. I’m looking for a nymphomaniac who makes authentic New York style pizza. Must do windows, dishes, and reverse cowgirl.

Jami: Ahh, c’mon PC. Don’t be so hard on him. In these tough economic times, it’s actually a really smart intro. All the kajillions of unemployed folks out there are like, “Oh shit? A job. Let me read through this.”

I the Black knight seeks an affectionate woman for enjoyable times. I enjoy kissing, cuddling, sitting in front of the fire and more.

PC: He also enjoys sitting in front of the television, the computer, and the window when the cops show up at the neighbor’s house.

Jami: Translation: “I seek secks, but I’m'a tell you that I like kissin’ and cuddlin’ buh’tuz me finks that is what the ladies wanna hear.” Fucking dipshit. Ladies, help me. Have you EVER heard the ol’ “i like kissing/cuddling/holding hands” line and gobbled up that bullshit? I.think.not.

I’m tall, big, in over weight shape and very healthy. I’m also educated, classy, respectful and want to be successful. I’m missing the affection that my body and soul crave. If you’d like to be with a great guy then you should write me alot.

Jami: What IS ‘over weight shape’ exactly? I’m not going to get into the whole if-you’re-overweight-you-must-not-be-healthy thing. I’m no waif, but jeez. That is a term I have yet to see.

PC: I love it when somebody goes to great lengths to tell me how together they are, calls himself educated, and then proceeds to invent a word like “alot”. A lot. Two words. As in Shit Head, or Douche Bag.

Jami: Or Unfuckable Moron. Any time I see “alot” it makes me think of Lloyd Christmas in Dumb & Dumber… “I like it uhhlot.”

I turned 37 a few ago and realized that it’s time to settle down.

PC: No you didn’t. You turned 37 a few ______ ago (days? weeks? months? years?) and you freaked out, because you realized that you’re still alone, and you’re starting to do the math, figuring out how old you’ll be when those little bastard children you haven’t had yet finally turn 37 and move out of your house.

Jami: What makes this statement really funny to me will become clear later in this issue of He Said — She Said. Wait for it. I’ll tell you when it comes.

The only problem with that is I am finding it hard to find someone around my age that I find attractive. I’m not talking about 18 year olds, more like 24 and up. I have found some extremely attractive women around my age, but for the most part are spoken for. I have a job and feel like my life is close to being complete.

Jami: Oh fucking well, you whiny ass bastard. NEWSFLASH: if you wait until you’re almost forty to make the realization that you probably don’t want to die alone, guess what? The women your age? They’re also in their “late thirties” (*cough*46*cough*) and, with the exception of a few rare bitches (strike that) genetically inclined bitches, they’re not going to be hot like they were when they were 18.

PC: Three things. 1. Speaking as someone who just turned 38, and has dated women who were younger than 24, I can say, without reservation, it is a lofty goal. Now granted, I’m not as charming as our subject here, looking for a housekeeper/girlfriend in his opening line, but thirteen years is a bit of a generation gap. Now, maybe he has a Viagra powered pacemaker or something, I have no idea, but hey, more power to him.

Jami: Uh-oh. Lookit you, PC. Robbin’ the cradle. [high five]

PC: 2. “Finding” attractive girls is not the hard part. Stalkers, rapists and kidnappers do it every single day. On a related note, asking a girl “Does this smell like chloroform?” does not count as a pickup line.

Jami: This just made me giggle. Alot. Uhhlot.

PC: 3. If getting a job made your life close to complete, methinks them goals were not exactly Everest.

I work out and and enjoy a woman that does also but not a requirement. I also do not tattoo and find some women with tattoos and piercings sexy when done with taste.

PC: Passive aggressive much?

Jami: Word up, PC. What’s tasteful about clitoris piercings? (Ha! see what I did there? It’s a joke… About cunnilungus… Oh forget it.)

I want to find someone who I find totally irresistible and can’t keep my hands and mind off. I also want her to be my female best friend. I want someone who can go from dressing up for a night on the town to pillow fighting in the bed.

Also would like to be able to stay up all night long talking about anything, or just getting lost in each other eyes.

PC: Start your stopwatch Jami, and tell me how long you could get lost in someone’s eyes before wanting to do the Stooges eyepoke. And I mean the most captivating set of lookers you’ve ever seen, like Brad Pitt, or David Hasselhoff, or whatever a-hole it is that gets your skivvies in a twist. Go.

Jami: Tick.Tick.BOOM. Seriously. The eye-staring? Who the fuck does that? Try to get lost in my eyes, jackass. You know what I’ll do? I’ll rip my fucking GPS off my windshield and smash you in the face with it. WHO YOU LOOKIN’ AT?!

All my friends, male and female keep asking me why I am single and I tell them, I know exactly what I want in life and won’t settle for less.This is a serious flirt. I hope I didn’t offend you. If it’s not for you than please just move on.

PC: I really have no clue what that sentence means. Hang on, let me put on my UN headphones while Jami translates for me.

Jami: Ok, so you’re a straight man who sits around with his MALE friends while they go on and on about how they can’t understand WHY you’re single. [knee rub] They just think you’re so in charge and [thigh rub] and you deserve the best [cock pat]. WAIT A MINUTE. Male friend, are you gay? And ‘serious flirt’? Again with the phrases that have never existed. Can you picture it? “Baby, we need to talk. It’s serious.”

I provide a safe, sane, friendly environment for you to explore and experience the spanking of your dreams (or nightmares, if that is where you need to be).

PC: Whoops. Hello. Where did that come from?

Jami: Oh shit! It’s like when you’re at home, minding your own business watching Golden Girls and your cable fucks up and suddenly, SCRAMBLED PORN. All those job seekers are like, “Wait. This isn’t for me. I don’t have any job experience with discipline. I work in retail!” And the rest of you — the ones that were sitting back waiting to hear from this man that is ready to settle down and make a life with you, pop out a few babies… Yea. He’s got a spanking fetish. Can’t WAIT to have babies with him. That’s not gonna be fucking weird or anything when you’ve got disobedient kiddies running around.

I am able to provide you with a gentle introduction, serious discipline or somewhere in between. Together, we will start this most personal exploration.

PC: Speaking of introductions, I’d like to introduce you to something that would seem to be a foreign concept, based on your writing. It’s called a segue. It is how one generally goes from one thought to another, using some sort of general easing transition. Like, for example, going from “getting lost in each other’s eyes” to “the spanking of your dreams (or nightmares)” would be a perfect example of not segueing.

Jami: Segue is a really hard word to spell. Especially since they came out with Segways. That fucked my shit all up in the spelling department.

I have many years experience providing spankings of varying styles. I am a true spanking artiste and connoisseur. I am understanding, empathetic, creative, firm and friendly. Rest assured that if you need to be punished, I will see to it that you will remember our encounter every time you sit down for the next few days. For those less naughty, you will also be thinking of your spanking several days later, although you may wish that you, too, had the lovely souvenir of a sensitive bottom. Maybe next time…

PC: Jami, if I run out of vomit, can I borrow some of yours?

Jami: Is it weird right now that my ass is tingling?

Anxiety, butterflies, and oft confused thoughts are all part of the anticipation of the inevitable spanking. Having your pantie lowered by a man who shall remain completely clothed is unique to this special activity. A quintessential spanking can take you places you have never been. You can’t believe this is what you wanted as the fire burns your bottom, and just as unbelievable is the need for it to continue. You hate it and need it and love it, all jumbled up. The warm afterglow and anticipation of the next one is exquisite.

I have many spanking toys. Each has its own sensation and ambiance. Many people have an affinity for a particular implement, be it a hairbrush, paddle, strap, and, yes, even the much maligned cane. Of course, there is always my capable hand. Perhaps a dim sum of spanking toys will help you decide which ones make you feel the way you desire.

This is not about sex or abuse. This is all about you and your discovery of the spanking arts. I do so love women and the female form, especially a lovely derrière. The honor of baring your bottom and giving you the spanking you need more than fulfills my own desires. Both spanker and spankee may internalize their responses without sharing. The perfect spanking is when you experience it feeling safe and cared for.

PC: Okay, that little diatribe seems a little too polished for our friend, the Black Knight, methinks it was pulled from a website? Which ramps up the douchebaggery about tenfold, in my douchey opinion.

Jami: I ran my google fu on this shit and I can’t find it anywhere but in his post. He probably took it from a book, which is also hard to believe because I can’t pictures this man reading uhhlot. I also want to use the word douchey beacuse you used it a lot in that last little quip there and I’m feeling left out, ya douche.

Please respond with something about yourself and your experiences. Your thoughts about what you want would be most helpful. You may ask me specific questions.

Jami: Ok, so, Black Knight. This one time, I got really mouthy with this bitch and she straight up took a belt to me, wore my backside out from thighs to shoulders. I turned to her and said, with a little rock in my neck,”That didn’t even hurt!” Then my mother spanked me again. Is that the kind of experiences you’re seeking?

Experience the spiritual empowerment and mystical catharsis uniquely available through therapy of the bare bottom kind. (I just had to get that in)

PC: That’s what she said? Nah, this guy’s not worthy of a well placed TWSS. Fuck him.

Jami: Really, I can’t totally HATE on the spanking thing as something of a side dish. There’s some really sort of primal about a little smack in the middle of some really awesome coitus. But spiritual empowerment? Mystical catharsis? Uhhh. No dude. I know it feels like something Divine, but that’s just my ass.

As always, this hairbrush awaits you.

PC: Perfect. I have some snarls that need attention. Careful, I have brittle split ends. Oh, wait, that’s not what he’s talking about, is it.

Jami: No, PC. I think he’s talking about spanking with it. And you know, a little conditioner would probably work those mountain-man knots right out.

PC: (I could devote an entire episode of HSSS to this ridiculous, high schooley questionnaire, but I think we’ve gone on long enough, so I’ll leave it to you Jami.)

Jami: (I’m not touching that shit with a ten foot pole, PC. Instead, I’m going to sit over here and doodle hearts on my paper after I play a game of MASH before third period..) Actually no, I’m going to fill it out. Wish me luck!

The Survey:

Area 1:

Please provide positive answers.

Name: Jami McDateWrecker

Age: 27

Phone: yes

Height: bitty

Do you Drive: men crazy

State You Live In: Jaw-ja

School: is cool!

Grade: I thought you were hoping to find someone around your age?? The last grade that I was in was number twelve.

May I Call You: No, but thanks for asking.

Single or Taken: For the purposes of this survey, I am not only a celibate nun, but I also have AIDS. And I was born with a rare condition where I don’t have an ass. And I have webbed feet. And a moonface.

Would You Date Me: I’d date WRECK you.

Kiss On First Date: I’d say, “Kiss my ass” but you’d probably go for it.

Will You Send This Back To Me?: After I forward it to all of my friends and post it on my facebook notes.

Area 2:

What would you do if I…

I made a move on u: I’d make a move, too. Like, to the left. Or the right. Or I’d duck. But I DARE NOT try to turn and walk away from you.

I kissed you: Kick you in the nuts.

I lived next door to you: Kick you in the nuts.

I started smoking: Steal your cigarettes. And your lighters.

I asked you on a date: Kick you in the nuts. (Can we go ahead and just use an acronym here? KYITN? Okay. Thanks guys.)

I was hospitalized: Ah, what the hell. KYITN.

I ran away from home: Change the locks REAL QUICK.

I got into a fight and you weren’t there? I’d make sure I paid the man for beating you up.

I asked u to have sex? KYITN.

I asked u out? KYITN.

Area 3:

What do you think about my…

Personality: There isn’t any more time left in my day, dear.

Eyes: Hm. A picture would have been nice. Since I’m going on just what you wrote, I’m going to say that I think you have crazy eyes. The kind that point in opposite directions.

Hair: KYITN?

Area 4:

Have you ever….

Lied to make me feel better? Dude. What the fuck? Did you READ this?

Wanted to kiss me? No… But I’m pretty sure that I’ve wanted to… yea… You know.

Wanted to kill me? Actually, now that you mention it. I kinda want to go all Bloggess on you and stab you.

Broke my heart? If you ever find this episode of He Said — She Said, maybe. A girl can dream, right?

Kept something important from me? No. I will ALWAYS tell you when you’re being a socially inept reject.

Area 5:

“X” marks the spot

[ ]Kiss me..
[ ]Hug me..
[ ]Date me..
[ ]Kill me..
[ ]Love me..
[ ]Hate me..
[ ]Hold me..
[ ]Lie to me..
[ ]Hurt me..
[ ]Sing with me..
[ ]Dance with me..
[ ]Cuddle with me..
[ ]Let me make a move on you..
[ ]Make a move on me..
[ ]Watch a movie with me..
[ ]Get me a B-day gift..
[ ]Let me borrow your car..
[ ]Be there for me..
[ ]Buy me a drink..
[ ]Bring me around your friends..
[ ]Give me a massage..
[ ]Drink kool-aid with me..
[ ]Take advantage of me..
[ ]Hangout with me…
[ ]Take care of me if I wasn’t feeling good..
[ ]Hold hands with me..
[ ]Do something incredibly sweet for me..

Can I add one?

[X] KYITN