The Personals Critic — Vol 8

I love irony. It doesn’t even have to be all that poignant. I’m a simple guy. Just your average, everyday, run of the mill, Wonder Bread variety irony will get my attention every time. But then, every once in a while, on a really good day, somebody goes out of their way to be unintentionally ironic, and it’s like my birthday, Christmas and the 4th of July all wrapped up in an accidental bow, especially for me.

Now irony is a tough one to put your finger on, but I’m shooting for this definition: “A technique of indicating, as through character or plot development, an intention or attitude opposite to that which is actually or ostensibly stated.”

Now if you, dear reader, would grant me a little poetic license on this one, I submit the following, which was posted in m4w on Sunday:

“To the personals critique….. At first I thought we should pity you. Maybe you were picked on as a child. Maybe even abused by your parents. Maybe even still picked on to this day. Why else would anyone be so filled with hate? But the more I read your posts, the more I realize you are just a pathetic, poor excuse of a human being. Someone who thinks he is better than everyone else. A waste of oxygen and a waste of sperm! How dare you pick on people that you know nothing about, judge them, critique them, belittle them, yet only have the balls (or lack of them) to do it to women. So what if a person doesn’t type well, doesn’t spell well, or you don’t like the way they wrote something. Mistakes don’t make people bad, it makes them human. You’re nothing more than a bully….an intimidator, antagonist, nuisance, pest, heckler, goon, thug, and are obviously pissed off at the small size of your dick! And no….you haven’t critiqued my post, because I haven’t posted one!”

Now, say what you will about me, but I clearly have a way with women. Not a good way, by any stretch of the imagination, but a way. I congratulate her on a very effective post, one which will bring no end of readers to this very episode, which in and of itself is mildly (and unintentionally) ironic. However, the truly ironic part of all this is the fact that she mailed this clear, concise, and well written rant to me before she posted it, but in the e-mail she sent me, she hadn’t proofread it, so it was loaded with misspellings, which means she took the time to re-read it before posting, presumably because she actually gave a shit about how she portrayed herself in front of others.

Therein lies the difference between this beloved poster/hatemailer and those beloved posters I critique. If others would put that same effort in, then I’d be out of a job. And yes, I know, she still made some mistakes, like confusing critic with critique, but cut her some slack, won’t you?

I’m often asked why I don’t take a stroll through VT Casual Encounters, and the simple reason is that I don’t read them, I read w4m. No moral judgments here, if CE is your thing, by all means have at it, more power to you. At any rate, I did a little snooping, and I’ve found a couple of ads that seem to be from real people, so let’s give it a shot, shall we?

(Caution – Double Entendre and Sexual Innuendo ahead.)

“attractive bbw – yes, I am real. – w4m – 20 (springfied, vt) I am a single white female who is 20 years old. I am an attractive bbw looking for some NSA sex and if it leads to something more in the future thats cool too.”

Grandma, tell me again how you and Grandpa met? Well, he was cruising a website looking to hook up, and came across me, so to speak…

“I am drug and disease free and I request that you be the same. I am in college, and if you are educated thats a bug plus.”

Oh, so many jokes coming into my head right now, must choose just one. Okay, what kind of bug do you mean, would you prefer that I be educated in entomology or anatomy?

“I am looking for someone who is under the age of 26 please. If you are interested send an email to me with the subject “vermonter” and include a face pic…I will not email you back unless you do.”

Hey sweetie, we all look the same in a leather mask and a ball gag.

“Please no creepy old men and I’m not asking you to be drop dead gorgeous but average is good.”

What if I’m not an old man, and I’m drop dead gorgeous, but I’m horribly creepy, is that okay? Can I be kinda old and less than average looking if I scale down the creepiness, like from a seven to about a five?

Ad #2 leaves me feeling positively asexual, and I’m a die hard hetero, in that I intend to die, hard, in a hetero type of situation, quite probably any day now.

“NO COMPLICATIONS – Just friendship & sex – w4m – 53 (Near Montpelier) Hi. First, let’s be clear – we are a m&f couple, looking for a straight male – both of us are straight. We advertise under f4m because all we find under mf4m are bi guys – not interested in that.”

Yeah, because that would be weird.

“We just want to find a nice, mature gentleman nearby who would like friendship with a nice couple in their 50′s and also enjoy a threesome on occasion without all the complications a girlfriend/wife would give you. If that might interest you, please keep reading.”

FWB – Fellate While Boning.

“First, we are a nice, down-to-earth, and honest couple that enjoy the simpler things – barbeques & local lakes in the summer, a few beers with friends, maybe some cards or something.”

A loaf of bread, a jug of wine, and thou. And also thou.

“We are both on the heavier side – she is 5’5″, he is 5’6″, both weigh in the 190′s and we are both light smokers – so if either of those things are an issue with you, please pass us by.”

Also pass us by if scraping scrotums with another dude during DP is not your “bag“.

“Both are clean, d&d free, and intend to stay that way!”

I’m embarrassed enough just to have the woman in the room during sex, so I was actually just contemplating exactly what cocktail of pharmaceuticals it would take to double dip, but apparently it can be done stone sober. Who knew? Viagra notwithstanding, clearly.

“We are a very secure couple that love each other very much – we just like the spice that adding another guy to the mix can add to our personal lives and sex lives!”

Would that spice be cumin?

“Weekends are best for us, but get-togethers are possible on weekdays and weeknights.”

We only fuck on days that begin with T. Tuesday, Thursday, Today, Tonight, Tomorrow, Thaturday, Thunday…

“You MUST be: A gentleman first, in your 50′s,”

Be prepared to answer questions about your grandchildren before the inevitable suck and fuck.

“unattached, honest, clean, d&s free,”

D & S, let’s see, domination and submission? Dildo and Sybian? Dalmation and Shih Tzu?

“clean-cut, clean-shaven (a neat mustache may be OK),”

Do you have a clear mental image going right now? If it includes Tom Selleck, then the answer is no.

“and willing to be patient and get to know each other as friends for a bit before we enjoy some pleasures of the flesh!”

That would be the flesh that has crawled off of my body and is currently hiding under the couch waiting for me to shut down the computer and throw a brick through the monitor.

“If you are well-endowed, all the better, but you MUST be cut!”

Oh now you’re just being greedy. Take a moment and imagine your parents writing this next line.

“You also enjoy eating pussy a lot and can be considered talented at it.”

Yep. I just threw up in my mouth.

I caught Hell for not including my ad last time (seriously, you’re watching me a little too closely, I’m alerting the authorities) so here we go: SWM with a penchant for irony, snarkiness and deviance ISO demure temptress who is cool with the fact that I’ve been accused of being an abusive, abused, pathetic, predatory waste of oxygen and or sperm, all of which may or may not be true, but I’m quite content with my endowment, mentally and otherwise, thank you very much. Talk about hitting below the belt…

The Personals Critic

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