Date Report: The Story of the Drill Penis and the Twat Bomb
— By Jami on October 5, 2009 at 1:17 am
Before I take you on this journey with me, dear readers, I want you to make a promise to me: I want you to promise that you will read through the entire post before commenting.
There is a lot going on in this post and almost none of it is good. It should be pretty entertaining though (at my expense, no doubt).
Enjoy!
I met him on OkCupid. I had emailed him about two weeks before I made the decision to be more or less done with OkCupid. This was right about the same time that I decided to not write about ALL of my Date Reports and to perhaps be a bit more veiled in sharing with men that I’m dating about the blog.
Our first date we on a Thursday night. I met him in Little Five Points at The Porter. I was a little weirded out by the fact that he had his camera draped over his shoulder like a purse, but whatever. He’s a photographer, right? I threw him a bone.
He was perfectly nice on the date. Engaging, interesting, polite, complimentary. He was attractive, but in a nontraditional sense. And no, that doesn’t mean he was ugly! It was a very lovely little date, brief though, because I had worked late and had to work early the next morning. He paid for dinner and encouraged me to order the very expensive Belgian beer that the server suggested.
At one point, he stopped me while I was chomping on a burger the size of my head to say, “You are really naturally beautiful. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to interrupt you. What were you saying?”
Good stuff, you guys. I wasn’t HOOKED, per se, but I was looking forward to another date with him.
Our second date was the following weekend. He had been calling a good bit, maybe too much, but I was still enjoying his daily updates. He and I would exchange text messages all day. For our second date, I met him at his house. He was making me dinner and we were watching a movie, one that I selected from his collection, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Dinner was lovely and the movie was good. We were sort of cuddling on the couch and made out a little.
Now, this is where it all starts to go wrong. I know that there are a lot of things that are just a matter of preference — there isn’t a wrong or a right way to do something. Know what I mean? But his kissing… It was wrong you guys. Not all of it, but he did this thing were he sort of… sucked my bottom lip into his mouth and just like… held it there. For an extended series of uncomfortable seconds. He did it several times and each time, I would suck my own lip back into my mouth with a loud sort of SMACK sound. I tried to give him cues with my own kissing… And with my facial expression (it was something like, “Dude. STOP that.”) Eventually, I just decided it wasn’t worth bringing up. Not yet. I didn’t really know him well enough to know how he would react to being called out on his sub-par spit swapping.
The rest of that date was lovely. It really was. And I’m thinking… Ok. So he can’t kiss. People can learn how to kiss right? It’s not that I had intentions of changing him, but if you’re dating someone who is inexperienced, eventually, they gain experience and things get better, right? I was hoping for that anyway.
Then, the texting got… Weird.
I got one that said, “I cherish you.”
Weird. But on a scale of 1-10, we’re dealing with a level two here.
Then, one where he quoted Sinatra lyrics, “Yes, you’re lovely.”
And these were randomly sprinkled throughout the day. They weren’t prompted… They weren’t in any sort of context. And dude, c’mon. Dial down the romance a bit, eh? We.just.met.
Because of my schedule, I only get one night a week and every other weekend as “me” time. I choose not to get a babysitter on the nights that I have my son at home because a) babysitters aren’t cheap and b) I just think it’s better for my son if I am home when he is home.
He expressed disappointment that, because my one night a week was being taken up by Grey’s Anatomy night with my best friend, he would have to wait two weeks until he could see me again. I understand that it can be frustrating. With a single mother, you can’t really follow the same sort of scheduling pattern that you follow with a childless woman.
I ended up meeting him for lunch on a weekday, as a compromise. It would be a short date, but I was interested in seeing if he was actually weird or if I was reading into him too much.
We met in midtown at Ted’s Montana Grill on a Wednesday. I beat him there and when he arrived and greeted me like a husband greets his wife of 15 years. All too familiar. Keep in mind, this is our third date, the first one being a short dinner date and the second one being a date filled with weird physical lip sucking. But lunch was really fine. He walked me to my car, embraced and split.
I got a text message from him that afternoon that said, “I want to turn into a metal monster and pierce you with a drill penis killing you and having to assimilate with me so we can be one.”
WHAT THE FUCK? Apparently, after I flipped out on him, he explained that it was some sort of plot from a Japanese horror flick from the 1980s. That didn’t really smooth it over in my mind because we had not been talking about Japanese cinema, robots, or really drill penises of any sort of material.
So strange.
Thursday evening, he went to a concert — Juliette Lewis at the Drunken Unicorn. He had invited me, but it was ladies night as Grey’s Anatomy was starting a new season. I got my friend’s house and turned my ringer off.
When I left her house at 11:45 that night, I had missed seven text messages from him, all sent within the span of about two hours.
The first strange text that night was, “I hope you don’t mind. Juliette Lewis will be humming on my balls later tonight.”
Uh. Ok.
Then, “I want to lick your teat.” Followed by a quick revision, “Twat.” Apparently, his iphone spell check had not recognized the word Twat. Perhaps that’s because it might be the ugliest word in the history of the universe.
DUDE. I want to lick your twat?! Who the fuck says that? EVER??
I texted him back, “How much have you had to drink?”
His reply? “Your mom.” Classy.
I was not amused. If he had not already been kind of strange and weird, I would have brushed it off as drunk texting or inappropriate humor. But this was just too much.
With everything else, I was just done. There was no amount of understanding that could further extend to this bumbling wreck of a man.
He kept calling, kept texting. I was answering his calls less and less, ignore more texts. He seemed to be picking up on the distance I was creating and asked me if we could talk about whatever was bothering me. So we did. I explained to him that I did not have a twat. That the word twat might be the ugliest word for a vagina, next to roast beef curtain and baby spitter. It’s not something you say to a woman that you hope to be intimate with. I explained to him how the culmination of all of the creepy things that he said to me had my guard up because I was beginning to think he was a crazy person. I leveled with him, as gently as I could, but certainly firmly.
He apologized. Expressed to me that he just liked me. That he felt like I was a good catch. Blah blah blah. I was tired of talking to him — we spent two days on the phone discussing this whole situation and I didn’t feel like he was hearing me at all.
He mentioned that I was on his iphone now. I was curious what that meant and he explained that it was a picture of me winking. “When did you take it?” “Oh, I didn’t. It’s from your facebook page. I just liked it a lot and it was the right size and stuff, so I saved it. [in a lower voice that was trailing off] That’s creepy right?”
YES McFLY! It’s creepy!
So I ended the conversation by asking him to please just give me some space right now. “Let’s talk sometime towards the middle of next week, okay?”
This was Friday. As you all know, I had no internet at home over the last couple of weeks. He knew this, as well, and had even attempted to help me troubleshoot the issue. However, AFTER I asked him to give me some space, I had NINE emails from him.
Nine.
One for a coupon to get a mani/pedi which was strange considering we had never talked about the condition of my toenails or fingernails. A level two weird factor. Or maybe it was a passive aggressive move on his part? If so, a level seven asshole factor, for sure.
A few pictures from the concert he had attended the week before and some clips of live music at the park that he ate lunch in. Not weird at all.
Pictures from a vacation that he took a couple of years ago. Sort of weird considering we had never really discussed this vacation — again with the whole no-frame-of-reference for the context of what he was sharing with me. A level one weird factor.
One with a conversation that he was eavesdropping on while on his lunch break in the park. A level five weird factor.
Then… Then he sent me this.
This is quite possibly the strangest thing I have ever received. Oh, and it’s scary. Did I mention that? And creepy. But it’s also hysterical, in a very unintentional way. Bless his heart.
His email said, “I dedicate this to my new close friend, you.”
Um. Ok.
Did you catch that? That’s “Please Don’t Go Girl” by the New Kids On The Block. He did a little thing there with the scary whispering and the lyric changing (“I will always love you” –> “I will always like you”) that simultaneously made the skin on my face turn a very ill shade of white and made this deep, earthy, guttural laughter reverberate out from my gut in such a fashion as to shake the house. I have not laughed this hard since…
…
God. I really can’t recall a time that I have laughed this hard.
For that, I thank him. I mean… GOOD GOD. What was he thinking?!
Was this the internet equivalent of Lloyd Dobbler standing in my driveway with his ghetto blaster above his head, Peter Gabriel working his way through my window panes?
Oh? No. See. No. Because Dianne Cort had a ROMANCE with Lloyd Dobbler that lasted all.summer.long. Not just two and a half dates. Plus, Lloyd Dobbler wasn’t weird, he was quirky, but he was perfectly reasonable and respectable. Oh, and? THEY WERE IN HIGH SCHOOL!
This situation was something else altogether.
After he sent me that song, I just… I have been ignoring his calls and texts. I know it’s not the most MATURE thing to do, but dammit — DUDE CREEPED ME THE FUCK OUT! If he really IS a crazy person, engaging with him would be heavily advised against by local law enforcement, right??
When I deleted him from my facebook page, he sent me a text that afternoon, “I can’t find you on facebook!” I replied, “I took you off my facebook this morning.”
His completely sane and reasonable answer to that? “Oh ok.” Then he proceeded to send me multiple texts with the lyrics from the theme to Good Times.
DUDE. Synapses. Not. Connecting. Electrical. Brain. Activity. Off. The. Charts.
He’s called a couple of times trying to make plans to go out with me since then. First it was going to be a jazz club and dinner, then the drive in, then the State Fair, then a local music festival… Then he suggested we go to Jacksonville, Florida or Nashville, TN and stay in a hostel for the weekend. (DUDE.)
You want to take me into another state? Like… across state lines?
No, no, no, no, no, no.
He followed it up with a last ditch text on Friday evening, “So I guess you still need your space? 
” I couldn’t bear it any longer. I mean, I feel sorry for this dude that he doesn’t understand how creepy he is. I sent him a reply saying, “You have creeped me out beyond repair. The New Kids song sent me over the edge. Too much. Please don’t contact me again.”
Sweet, balanced individual that he is, he called me right the fuck back. Left me a message explaining that he wasn’t going to apologize for being nice. Blah de blah blah, he wishes me the best, blah de blah blah. He was damned if he did, damned if he didn’t.
Honestly, I’m the one that feels damned. Buh. I wonder if my dating life is karmically related to my work here on Date Wrecks. You know? The universe is sending me a giant “Fuck You, Jami!”
If you made it this far, I’d like to give you a prize, but really… Wasn’t hearing that song of his enough??
And before you guys start getting all “mom” on me, no he doesn’t know where I live, no I’m not fearful for my life, no I do not think he’s dangerous.
Just creepy. Creepy as fuck.
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69 Comments
I’m ashamed as a guy.
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Creepazoid.
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I know that movie! Tetsuo the Iron Man.
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0096251/
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Dude. Finally feeling brave enough to do some Tetsuo research and came across this.
Warning. It’s loud… And disturbing.
http://driller.ytmnd.com/
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I was giggling (and creeped out for you) at the song. But the lyrics from the theme to Good Times? Oh my god! Too effing hilarious. And wrong. Poor Jami. Thanks for sharing.
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The fact that he paid to see Juliette Lewis in concert is evidence enough that he possesses a shocking lack of judgment.
Also, don’t take this the wrong way, but goddamn do the freaks love you. You should probably have that looked at before it bites you in the ass. I jest, but only partly, because your dating life (or what I read of it) fucking scares the crap out of me. Thank you for taking one for the team in order to provide greedy minds with satiating entertainment.
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Okay… that whispery thing in the song is going to show up in my already overpopulated nightmares. Holy fudge, that was creepy. I would find it creepy even from a friend I trust with my life and have known for years. Wtf was he thinking? You were wise to keep this one away from your house, that’s some real consolation there.
Logan: Thank you for proving the existence of this film, haha. Oh, Japan.
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Dear God.
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Wow and I thought my ex was crazy.
I once got a text at about 2 in the morning saying “Keep singing and you’ll get a banjo”…WTF! I’m not a singer and he is meant to be all ‘gangsta’ so where he gets off talking about banjos…this is just one of many insane texts I get from him now and then…2 years after we last spoke.
Still, nothing compared to this guy.
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Lol thanks now I can’t get the Deliverance banjo song out of my head!!
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I don’t believe in karma, but I think this all stems from you stealing wireless Internet.
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That made me laugh. A lot.
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Technically, the internet was trespassing.
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Also technically, that audio nightmare is trespassing in my BRAIN. STILL. Excuse me while I fetch my shotgun.
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Teh craxy. He haz it.
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Entertaining crazies are fun though! I collect these people, only I collect them in the female form. And not literally collect like that Simpsons episode where Comic Book Guy kidnapped Lucy Lawless and wrapped her in plastic so he could have a real Xena action figure. I’m just a crazy chick magnet.
I’ve found psychotic texts and/or emails are best saved and then turned into giant mixed media art pieces to hang in your living room and remind yourself that being single really ain’t so bad.
I’m a pretty decent artist, so if you ever want a nice big reminder on canvas just let me know. All good art comes from insanity, but the really funny art comes from mocking someone else’s insanity.
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That’s the best idea I have ever heard.
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Dude. I hereby give you permission to do this if you want. But I am not hanging up art in my house to remind me of this.
Purgepurgepurgepurge. Reboot.
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Wow. Um, yeah…just wow.
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Ugh, what a freak.. I think I’m a freak magnet, too. o.o
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freak bacon… mmm…
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God I love freak bacon….
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I got the freak bacon, y’all.
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I don’t want to defend this guy, but he doesn’t seem so bad. I would imagine it was the lunch that did it. Once you get physical with someone, the last thing (guys) you want to do is go to lunch. Man-code dictates “ABE”-always be escalating. He probably felt slighted and went over the top to make up for it. A strange individual, no doubt, but not dangerous.
Incidentally, you should get back on okcupid.com; the stories are amusing and one day you can write a book.
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No, honestly. I just feel badly for him. I think he’s harmless, just weird.
I’m still on OkCupid, but I’m just mentally done. I’m retraining my brain to not seek romance. Honestly, I’ve met some really fantastic people who have become really great friends via OkCupid — it’s not ALL bad.
But honestly. When this happened, I was like, “Good god. I cannot NOT write about this. This in unbelievable.”
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You shouldn’t have to give “the talk” about needing your space after 3 dates. I almost feel sorry for this guy because he is soooo socially clueless. Hopefully he learns that being clingy, needy, desperate, and overbearing isn’t the same as being nice.
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I’m not getting the full experience since I refuse to click on that song link based on the description and the reactions, but DANG, Jami! Is there something in the water down there?
And my general rule is, New Kids is ALWAYS wrong. It can never be right.
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I’ve also heard of that drill penis movie! It’s a crazy movie, I would NEVER bring that movie up to a date or a prospective girlfriend. Even in context it’s too weird to mention.
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See, that’s what I was thinking! I mean, once you’re VERY comfortable as a couple, it COULD be funny to pretend that your penis is a drill. Or something.
But suggesting that you want to kill me with your drill penis?
Dude. What is wrong with me? I should have stopped talking to him them. Ahhh, hindsight. Fuck me.
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Yeah, the “drill penis” text was fucking terrifying and would have made me go buy a taser and then sit up all night rocking back and forth with all the lights on.
It’d be one thing if you were really into Japanese movies and he made a direct quote from a very popular one, assuming that you would recognize it. But…that’s not what he did.
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Ha, I saw that movie on a date!
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I sent those emails before we had our talk on 9/26, including the song. I like music & journalism immensely in every form, you know? AT&T was dropping SMS texts monday. And you had said we could go out the next weekend, but that was before you heard my singing probably, ha.
There’s a couple other points which don’t seem right, but I still think you’re a good catch whoever ends up with you. I agree I was too clingy, though. You live, you learn. I’ve had my share of crazies.
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Dude, I give you a thousand points for posting a gentlemanly reply, being positive and showing a self-deprecating sense of humor about the whole thing.
In that spirit, I demerit you a thousand and one points for using the word “assimilate” in the first hundred years of your relationship.
Fortunately, you have the chance to score one bonus point by not contacting Jami again, which leaves you even up, and you get to wipe the slate clean.
All is forgiven. Assuming that you never sing again.
Attaboy.
Super Lurve
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Aw, that WAS a pretty good response. Good luck in figuring things out, L.
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For what it’s worth, I didn’t see any big turn-offs in what you did, L. You’re a potentially intense flavor of quirky that’s not for everyone, but not scary, wrong, or super-weird.
Good luck out there! There’s a girl for you – it’s just not Jami.
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Twat has to be one of the ugliest sounding words in the English language. I’d even prefer the C word over twat. Good god, that would have immediately caused me to cease all communication.
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My money’s on high-functioning Asperger’s. Sometimes they make huge mental leaps and assumptions about others without quite realizing that they gave no context whatsoever and just figure you MUST be on the same wavelength. They also obsess super-easily, and are prone to socially objectionable/awkward statements out of the blue. (I know someone with it… makes it REALLY hard to deal with him sometimes.)
Or,he could well be just uber-creepy-freaky. Distinct possibility there.
Either way, running like hell is a good idea.
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Hm. No… I mean, I have a bit of personal experience with Asperger’s (remember Virgin Noodlespitz? No? Remedy that.) as well actual interaction with folks on the spectrum. I don’t think that is it.
Honestly, I think he’s just not super experienced with dating. Hopefully this experience will be something he can learn from.
I’m a little weird, but I’m an experienced dater. Being a little quirky AND not knowing how to talk to/be with women is kind of a double whammy.
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that weird lower lip sucking + “having to assimilate with me so we can be one”. Maybe I’m creepy too, but was I the only one thinking cannibal?
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ROFL. Can you imagine actually going on a date with someone who was a closet cannibal?
“Dang, Susie. Tommy sure does leave a lot of hickeys on your neck.” “I know, Gloria! He sure does like biting me.”
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Oh god, that is horrible. But I just gotta say, for future incidents of freak-traction, cut it off completely a little sooner. Makes for good blog fodder, but the dude sounds completely off his rocker. After two-and-a-half dates, you don’t have to feel obligated to return his calls, texts, facebook messages, or whatever.
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I firmly believe that if makeouts have occurred with someone, you are karmically obligated to return their calls/texts/whatever. I’ve had guys start ignoring me after one or two promising dates and the lack of closure drives me insane.
I’m not saying Jami is under any obligation to put up with the guy’s creepy bullshit. I’m just saying that–in my opinion–it’s common courtesy to fire off a “Don’t contact me again” text before freezing someone out. And if the creep factor ended up escalating to where law enforcement got involved, the fact that she’d explicitly told him to go away would no doubt count in her favour.
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Oh yeah…the whole thing, it makes the flesh crawl. Especially now that the New Kids song with the whispering is now stuck IN MY HEAD, possibly for the entire week…
*facedesk*
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Ew. Just. Ew.
I had a guy call me after 1 date and 1 kind-of-a-group-date-thing and leave a poem he had written about me on my answering machine. I can imagine how you are feeling. It is similar to how you feel when you watch Michael Scott give a presentation.
Why do guys think we like that shit? These are the same guys who think we take bubble baths to “relax” and that our favorite gift would be a diamond heart cluster pendant from Kay Jewelers. They have learned everything they know about women from watching commericals in between prime time on the CW.
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OMG I went on a first (and only) date with a guy, and he brought me a gift: a diamond heart pendant necklace! No lie, you guys, I was creeped out right from the beginning of the date. Who gives jewelry on a first date????
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Nobody, that’s who…nobody, and creepy people. Good that it was an only date, for sure… You dodged a bullet:)
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He doesn’t sound that bad?
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Do you want his number?
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I love when these guys act like lunatics and creepy, codependent freaks, and then whine that we don’t like them because they’re too “nice”.
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I want to have “Short Dick Man” playing in the background as I run up to people and yell “DRILL PENIS!” at them.
Because cheese lawnmower julienne August.
I would link to the video of “Short Dick Man”, but truly, it is a song best experienced when you’ve already been drinking most of the day going into the night, the club is hopping, and you’re having so much fun dancing to begin with that you don’t care if you leave the bar with someone other than the friends you came in with. And if the year is 1995.
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Oh my god, Lex. Did you see that I posted the link to that song on He Said — She Said yesterday? Hehe.
I sure do love that song.
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Wow, and I thought my online dating experiences were horrifying. The crazy I’ve been offered is nothing compared to this.
I read things like this and I’m more than half-tempted to pull my own profile off of the dating sites, just to be on the safe side.
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Ahh, don’t be scared, Jon. And don’t feel bad — eventually, the crazy finds you.
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Oh Atlanta…always has the best of the worst. There is no such thing as in between here: it’s all or nothing.
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HOW DID I MISS THIS TIL NOW??? THIS IS THE BEST THING I’VE EVER READ ON HERE.
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I ran it on a Monday?? Maybe you were part of the minority of the work force that actually WORKS on Mondays versus troll the internet for your favorite blogs to update…?
Haha. Glad you enjoyed it.
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OMG.
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Hi Jami, i’m in love with you website, it’s awesome. Sorry, I’m too old and I don’t date. I sort of don’t wish you luck cause there will be nothing to read.
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Ha! Just now saw this comment, Murray. Thanks for your… support.
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i guess i can’t think of myself as a freak anymore. i am so inferior. i’m feeling drill envy.
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Okay, I love Tetsuo madly.
However, if *that* shit popped up on my phone I think my expression would roughly look like this: D:
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OMG this was an amazing post.
I would have dropped him at Juliette Lewis, not that the potential of being murdered with a drill penis was frightening or anything, but Lewis just tips the scale a little bit. Red flag red flag.
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Oh my god! what a freakazoid. Now I’m worried for your safety
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New to your site and I have to tell you you’ve made me laugh so hard I think I just might be incontinent. Permanently. Thanks for that. Anyway, this guy sounds too creepy to be real. Could he possibly know about your DW enterprise and pulled this stunt just to give you a good story to entertain your readers? Keep in mind, I haven’t yet read through your other date reports, so maybe they get wierder… Does it make me a bad person to hope they do? Sorry.
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No, dude. I found out after our first date that this guy works with one of my very good friends. He’s legit alright…
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