Y’all have to excuse how late this installment of HSSS is… I blame PC. He and I hop on IM or the phone on Tuesday nights to hammer out the details for He Said — She Said. But here’s a little known fact — when old dudes get older, they get sleepier. He says to me today, “Sorry I fell asleep on you.” Story of my life. Fuh reelz. He didn’t even answer his phone, that’s how hard he was sleeping.
Jami: PC, I want to introduce you to a … um, friend of mine. Well, he’s more of a friend of a friend. Brandie sent me his profile and I just think you two would get along so well! From his pictures, he appears to be something of an outdoors-man…
PC: Oh dear God.
Jami: Let me start with his pictures…
PC: I hope you’re happy, I have thrown my glasses away, since I no longer have any interest in the gift of sight.
Jami: Oh, this is gonna be good.
Jami: “Oh, yea… Here I am on the banks of the Inappropriate Stream near my house. Don’t let the lack of leaves on the trees or my bitty nipples fool you, it wasn’t freezing that afternoon. It was quite comfortable to traipse around shirtless (and shoeless?).”
PC: Just be grateful that those jeans are staying on. Â What a complete and utter load.
PC: Here, we see the load in repose.
Jami: If you’re going for the whole reclining (semi) nude pose, you should probably be a woman. This looks like a dude watching football. All that’s missing is a bowl of cheese puffs and your hand down the front of your jeans.
Jami: NUDE GREG. Please tell me this is not a PUBLIC park! Do you know how unsafe it is to walk around a public place without shoes on??
PC: Considering the placement of his left hand, shoes are the least of anyone’s worries.
Jami: Belts are indeed very constricting. I think the arms over the head is supposed to lengthen the torso… Or flatten the stomach and tits…
PC: I think that the hands behind the head pose is just his default position, from one too many naked afternoons in the park.
Jami: That look of shock and fear in his face? I’m making the same face. This is unfair, Nude Greg.
PC: After chemotherapy, the now mostly hairless orangutan suns his junk on a log.
Jami: To hell! You are going to hell! I call shotgun!
Jami: Okay, Nude Greg. You know what? Fuck you. This is… This is ungodly. This is wrong. Those… Those look an awful lot like my laundry day panties, Greg.
PC: He’s really testing the tensile strength of that fabric.
Jami: Ohhh man. Ok. So we’ve made it through the hardest part. Well… That’s not true. But we’re halfway there, folks, okay? Try to keep your barf at bay for a touch longer, will ya? Here’s his profile (the email he sent to Brandie comes at the end).
nudegreg
41 / M / straight / Single
Columbus, Ohio
My Self-Summary
I am looking for a close friend to accept me for me and see where it goes, I dont have any kids, I dont smoke and I dont do drugs , and I drink on occasion,I treat others as I like to be treated.
What I’m doing with my life
Hopefully getting ahead and not just spinning my wheels..!
I’m really good at
working on computers , just about anything ,talking..lol
The first things people usually notice about me
i am not your average guy.I am caring ,trusting and not sex crazed like you find with alot of guys, I think personality is one of the most important characteristics someone has to offer.Comunication and trust is very important in any relationship, if the comunication lines are down , try writting a letter…
My favorite books, movies, music, and food
i like history books, something that talks about the past, if you know where we have been , we can change the future. movies, i like the first part of full metal jacket, love the drill sargant..lol , i like scifi,adventure mixed with horror, music i like all types of music, like old rocknroll and techno and everything inbetween,even the ying yang twins..lol food , i like ralllys,white castle, pizza..
The six things I could never do without
my computer, internet, soda,pizza, my standard of living i guess,good friends
I spend a lot of time thinking about
women,friends
On a typical Friday night I am
on here
The most private thing I’m willing to admit here
i am a home nudist…
You should message me if
you can accept me for me
Jami: *ahem* SO. Let’s start with “try writing a letter”…? I don’t… I mean, I’m not sure I understand. Nude Greg, are you under the impression that when you are in a relationship that communicating occurs over ACTUAL telephone lines?
PC: Jami, this guy has never been in a relationship. Â Communication with him is best kept to means that involve lots of distance. Â Letters, smoke signals, message in a bottle, radio signals from space…
Jami: I DO appreciate that fact that he is willing to limit exchanges to written words though. That will spare everyone the visual genocide. What exactly is a HOME nudist? Personally, I think I’m more amenable to the idea of an public nudist versus having Lieutenant Dangle, um… Dangling on shit everywhere. It totes grosses me out to picture people parading around their homes nekkid. No, I’m not suggesting that I wear a neatly pressed waistcoat, pearls, and heels to hang around the house. But at least put a barrier between yer very thing and the kitchen chairs, and yer nipples and the cheese dip, please. All I can feel is pubic hair in my mouth. GAG GAG GAG.
PC: Can’t you just see yourself letting this guy into your house?
Jami: I can see myself running to deadbolt the front door.
PC: You could lay by the fire, all sprawled out on the bearskin rug, making plans for the future…
Jami: Let’s start off the future by putting clothes on you. I’m pretty sure the rest of the planet will agree with me that you, Nude Greg, should always wear clothes. No one wants to find one of your pubes stuck to the back their white shorts.
PC: Sipping wine, smooth jazz on the record player (records are those big black round things that preceded CDs Jami. Â Oh, and CDs are those smaller, shinier round things that preceded your iPod.)
Jami: You’re cute, grampa. OMG, PC. Can you IMAGINE Nude Greg dancing to techno? Truffle shuffle, huzzah!
PC: Or how about Nude Greg pulling a Buffalo Bill, tucking it in and dancing to “Goodbye Horses”?
Jami: Oh, damn you. I nearly had washed all the Buffalo Bill outta my hair. The “foods” he likes are… Entire restaurant chains… And pizza. Mmhmm. “Hey, Nude Greg! I’m running to lunch, do you want anything?” “Yea, I’ll take the entire White Castle restaurant at the corner of Short Street and Curly Lane. Do you want to take my truck?”
PC: I wonder if he’s ever forgotten to take the wrapper off a burger before scarfing it down.
Jami: I guess it’s good roughage? It’s a WONDER how you keep your figure, Nude Greg. I guess it takes a lot of discipline, eh? I don’t imagine that anyone who knows you trot about the house in your altogether is real keen on eating your cooking, either, but I suppose that’s not a real big problem seeing as your diet consists of food that you order by number.
PC: It’s gotten a lot better since he started limiting himself to one pail of soda per day.
Jami: I suppose we can be liberal with the phrase “standard of living”… I’ll throw you that bone, Nude Greg.
PC: Jami, you should see the pizza box sculpture in his apartment. Â Very creative.
Jami: Ok, so now that you’re all, “Jami! It’s not fair to make fun of Nude Greg because he’s obese or a nudist! He’s just comfortable in his own skin!” Blah blah blah. Let me show you the email he sent to Brandie. Then I want you to scroll back up and look at his pictures and put yourself in BRANDIE’S shoes, okay?
Hi,my name is Greg,I am looking for a close friend to accept me for me and see where it goes, I dont have any kids, I dont smoke and I dont do drugs , and I drink on occasion,I treat others as I like to be treated.Are you into the arts? I am a nude model for college art classes and have done that for 8 years,I know this may sound out of the ordinary but would you like to take some nude photos of me?To help keep my modeling portfolio up to date. You can have some female friends watch/with us if you like.I know that having some girlfriends there could make you feel more comfortible.It would really break the ice getting to know each .I have a digital cam .If we take enough pictures we are bound to get some good ones.I hope I didnt scare you off!!
Jami: Ok… So there are two things wrong with this scenario. One, Nude Greg naked is not ART nor does having your pictures taken naked make you a model of some sort that requires a portfolio. Two, DOES NUDE GREG THINK THIS WILL ACTUALLY WORK?!?! I am baffled I tell you, straight up perplexed.
PC: Brandie, I don’t know you, I’ve never met you, and I’m sure I’ll never have any contact with you, but on behalf of the male population, I’d like to apologize. Â Please, don’t let Nude Greg influence your opinion of dating, meeting people, heterosexuality, etc.
Jami: No, Nude Greg, you didn’t scare me off. I’m not afraid of you. I am, however, from this point forward, going to become an anorexic. That is… After I spork my eyes out of my head.
It should be noted, I stole a few jokes from my pal Sally. This one time, on this message board, everything got derailed and we were talking about people who hang out naked at home. It was awesome. So awesome. As soon as I saw Nude Greg, I just knew I had to run and ask Sally if I could steal some of her lines. She agreed, just as long as I gave her a shout out. So, um… HOLLA TO MY BITCH SALLY, ya heard me?
