Date Wrecks:

PC: Wow Jami, what a week. Between the triumphant return of the Date Report and this week’s submission for He Said – She Said, I just don’t know what to do with myself.

Jami: You just don’t worry your pretty little head, PC. I think this lady is going to walk us riiiiiight through this one with a very special kind of directness. That Date Report was something other-worldly wasn’t it?

PC: I like you. I swear to God Jami, the first time I heard that, I didn’t even know it was a real song, I thought he was just making up some bullshit lyrics off the top of his head. Believe it or not, I actually lost respect for him when I found out it was a New Kids On The Block song.

Jami: Yeeeea. Buh. So.freakin’.strange.

Caption:you bring the whipped cream, ill bring the toys!

PC: Right, because that’s what I want, to mix used anal beads with dairy products.

Jami: I mean, really… I can’t hate on the rack. Those are good looking boobs. But wait… Is she? Yea… She’s holding up her left tit with her hand. Me thinks she got a bit of a lopsided bewb job. PC, have you ever TRIED whipped cream during sex?

PC: Jami, I have eaten an entire Quizno’s sub during sex, and I’m pretty sure she never even noticed. I would have gone on to dessert, but by the time I finished making my sundae she had already taken the money off the dresser and was on her horse headed for home.

Jami: MMMM, toasty!! Well, don’t do the dairy during the naked time. It is SO not hot, unless being sticky is your thing. Ugh. Desserts and sex do not mix. That’s such a fucking cliche that I think needs to just be retired. However, we’re still gathering the market research on that one.

Caption: are you my forever?

PC: Diamonds are forever. Plastic has a half-life.

Jami: Mercy. That hair makes me itchy. And are you getting a view of the bedroom back there? Totally looks like a porn set, doesn’t it?

Caption: dontchya wish ya girlfriend was hot like me?

PC: Yes, I wish my girlfriend was a cross between Adrienne Barbeau and Joan Rivers.

Jami: Ooooooh yea. Get a load of that bed. And the silk fern! That’s totally a porn bedroom.

Caption: back that azz up

PC: I’ll bet there’s a notation on her driver’s license that she is not allowed to wear that wig in a convertible.

Jami: I’d like to make a general notation that she shouldn’t wear that wig. Ever. Or a chain belt. Bitch! You’re forty! I’m not saying you have to start shopping at Talbots, but good god, get out of Forever 21 and Wet Seal!

Caption: now let ME kiss YOU!

PC: That wig is hiding something.

Jami: Looks like somebody has had some work done on her face as well considering that is your “kissy face” and your lips aren’t even at ALL puckered.

Caption: smackaho tribe

PC: Ummmm.

Jami: Yea. I got nothing. OH WAIT! Are those SAMURAI SWORDS on her dresser?! Right behind those glitter dusted silk plants? Awe.some.

PC: (Clasping hands and casting an eye to the sky) Please, please let those be samurai swords…

Caption: yes they are real... expensive!!!

PC: Perfect breasts, except for the fact that her nipples are on her back, but that comes in handy when you’re doing it doggy-style.

Jami: Seriously. That’s a good observation, PC. Where ARE her nipples? Maybe they’re just iiiiiiity bittttty. Maybe she just got them removed altogether when she got her boobs done. I mean, there’s your permanent solution to the ever present headlights-problem.

only1hazel

40 / F / straight / Single

Houston, Texas

I am real, faithful, lookin 4 a soulmate and not a cellmate

My Self-Summary

not to lock me down and not that i will lock down, just someone who is looking for love with one special person. in order to have a great relationship you have to be able to know what each other likes. and i like sex. so dont write me and say for someone who doesnt want to make this about sex you talk about it a lot: well thats what i do! and if you dont tell me what you like and i dont tell you then it wont make for a very great relationship. this is for a MAN. not a boy and not a pervert, a MAN. and if you find it hard to be open, with others or yourself than its probably gonna be hard to be open with me, so… NEXT!

Jami: Who is… what? the locking? Are we talking bondage? I’m lost. And really? Darling. Liking sex doesn’t make you special. It makes you normal. Talking about sex like this, though, makes you a look like a stupid, two dollar quarter whore.

PC: Shocking, that she feels the need to spell out the fact that she’s sexually overt. She concealed it so effectively in her pictures.

this is for my significant other. someone who is looking for the person of their dreams the way that i am and i think you have to be honest and up front so there is no reason for second guessing.

what i am looking for is a man who is open in the bedroom, who knows what he wants and is willing to give and take. i like to give as well as i like to take.

i like sex, i am an exhibitionist, i like different positions and to be in different places.

i like anal sex.

if you are able to occasionally take the lead and make me Your bitch, then i might be the woman for you. i like to lead but too often that attracts spineless men to me.

PC: Okay, I am anything but spineless, but the combination of the phrases “I like to give as well as I like to take” and “I like anal sex” just created a diamond in my sphincter.

Jami: I’m not going to hate on the fact that she likes butt secks. *ahem* That is perfectly healthy. What I am going to hate on is the fact that all she’s looking for is a man who is going to be open in the bedroom. Uhmm… I mean, what do you talk about at the dinner table with your soulmate then? How about when you’re in the car? Is it even necessary for him to speak your language? Or be a human? Wait. Don’t answer that, kitten.

take my match me test and if we are a match above 95% i really want to talk to you! if we match 100% then there will be no spice to our relationship. im not looking for white picket fences or a roll in the hay, im looking for a man to share my life with.

i want complete openess, in and outside of the bedroom.

my nationality is cherokee, i am 5’5 135lbs. i am in the medical field.

i like motorcycles, swimmings, hiking, biking, anything having to do with the outdoors. i enjoy working out. i go 5 to 6 times a week, depending on my schedule.

i love animals, i have two dogs. although im not much of a cat person, which is odd since i have cats tattooed on both my arms. they are symbolic of strength and courage to me. and of course have something to do with my wild side.

PC: It’s also odd considering the fact that you look like The Bride Of Wildenstein.

Jami: Wait… She’s looking for her soulmate, but if you are her PERFECT soulmate, get ta steppin’? What if he’s a perfectly slutty freakazoid who wants you to give it to him, upside down in a meat locker? I think getting a 100% match with this broad would mean you are JUST a sex-crazed as she is, not that you’re out at The Home Depot shopping for white picket fences.

i love adventure and excitement and im looking for someone who enjoys the same, but is career oriented. im not looking to be taken care of, or to take care of anyone.

im a social drinker, enjoying the occasional glass of wine. and i love to dance.

What I’m doing with my life

I’m really good at

my profession

taking care of & loving my family

kickboxing

fencing

karate

GREAT at giving oral sex, mmmmm

this is for my new mr. big, cum for me mr. big, im waiting, until then i’ll be masterbating. (mr. big would be my TALL man, for those of you who dont get it. its not the size, its the ability to use what you have.)

like they say, im a lady in the streets and a freak in the sheets.

PC: Speaking as a heterosexual male who has not had sex in quite some time, may I just say… yuck. Two words – sandpaper tongue.

Jami: On the contrary, you eyelined vixen, you are NOT a lady. You’ve over-used your tit/cleavage allowance in this profile alone. Sorry. Better luck next time.

PC: That’s the thing Jami, your generation probably attributes “Mr. Big” to Sex In, And, or Around The City, but my generation knows Mr. Big is something much, much worse…

Jami: I think I remember hearing that song when I was in elementary school. And did she just say “mmmmm”??? For fucking real? What is she? Thirteen and having cyber sex? I bet that “this is for my mr. big” line has a special little sing-songy rhythm to it, ya think?

The first things people usually notice about me

my eyes, my smile, and my outgoing personality.

i am also known for being very dedicated and loving.

Jami: People also notice how my hair changes from day to day. It’s because I wear a wig you guys. The combination of my weathered skin and over processed hair really ages, so I got my tits done, got a facelift and now I wear wigs. It’s fun to mix it up. Oh, and my boobs. Did you notice my boobs yet? There’s a couple of pictures of my boobs. Boobs. Boobs.

PC: Also the way she yowls when she is in heat.

Jami: Boobs.

My favorite books, movies, music, and food

The six things I could never do without

religion.

SEX.

family.

friends.

excitement.

the gym.

and i have room for a seventh & thats one GOOD man.

PC: 8. A bowl of milk. 9. Scoopable, clumping litter.

Jami: 10. eyeliner!

PC: 11. Boobs. Have we talked about the boobs?

I spend a lot of time thinking about

On a typical Friday night I am

PC: Just think how much it would be to have Miss Kitty and Mr. Big as neighbors…

Jami: Monkey love? Oh god. How about, I don’t know, going out? Meeting for a cup of coffee? You’ve got to wonder what a first date with her would be like. She’d walk up to you, grab your junk, shake it around a bit, nod her approval and beckon you to her 1996 Cavalier in the parking lot. Then, you know, there’d be monkeys at her house that you’d have sex with and then she’d get you drunk and molest you. HOT.

The most private thing I’m willing to admit here

i like the taste of cum and the look in my mans eyes when i send him into space.

now, is that private enough for you? becasue if there is anything i have left out, send me a message and ill be glad to address it.

the most private thing of all, seriously, is that im not afraid of dying, my biggest fear is of not living life to its fullest and finding a man that feels the same way.

PC: She’s swallowing life, one mouthful at a time.

Jami: Saying you like the taste of cum might be the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. I’ve tasted cum from several dudes (I’m not counting, so STFU) and nobody’s ever tasted the same. Telling a dude, off the bat, that you like the taste of cum is going to really come back to kick you in the ass when his spunk is so funky that it makes the curly hair on your wig go straight.

I think the only thing she’s left out here are pictures of her vagina, right?

PC: I’ll be right back Jami, I have to go dig out my turntables and my upside down visor, because I just created my new alter-ego, DJ Funky Spunk.

Jami: Can I go with you when you get your tribal tattoos?

PC: Sure, but they look at me funny when I tell them I’m in the Smackaho Tribe.

You should message me if

you’ve taken my match me test… or you’re very tall strong man and you wanna bury your spear in my tippee then you might be the man miss kitty is looking for!

also – its not the size of your spear… its the knowledge of how to conquer your conquests and make miss kitty purrrrrrr!

WARNING: DO NOT ANSWER THIS UNLESS YOU HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR, LIKE TO SMILE, AND LOVE TO HAVE A GOOD TIME AND LIVE LIFE TO ITS FULLEST.

Jami: Did… did she just say “bury your spear in my tippee”? Leave it to someone who professes to be fucking Cherokee but can’t spell tepee. There’s several variations on the wiki page, none of them are tippee.

PC: Broaden your horizons Jami.