He Said — She Said: Whoosa Whatza?
He Said -- She Said — By Jami on October 20, 2009 at 7:34 pm
PC: Okay Jami, this week’s submission for He Said – She Said is either some sort of alien transmission from the mother ship or the sad result of ebonics plus texting. Ebexting. Tectonics. Whatever.
Jami: Ohhhh! Freak show!
PC: I say we take on the monumental task of translating this gobbledygook. You game?
Jami: Always, holmes.
PARtY BoY LooKin Fo DA one
Hey wazzup people readin this hahahha
PC: Greetings, Craigslist Community.
Jami: *ahem* (Then he laughs because he’s a jovial fellow.)
Well da name b KONVICT NASTII nd im lookin fir dat one gurl datll b down wit him nomatter wut
This is a self portrait that I took of myself in my mother's bathroom.
Jami: My name is likely Clarence. Perhaps it’s Percival. I’m hoping to find a girl that, when with another man, is very laid back.
PC: Miss Jackson if you’re nasty.
Yea im lookin for hopefulli an actual relationship hahhaha
PC: I am a young gentleman in search of a connection, a companion, a soulmate if you will.
Jami: I think we will, PC. I think I can speak for everyone [looking around], I think we will.
Nd well i just want dat one gurl dat i kan doo anythin with nd she kan doo anythin wit meh too
Jami: Must like lizards.
PC: And anal.
"L" is for LIZARDS! I love lizards!
>>>LooKin Fo<<<
PC: My criteria for a potential love interest include, but are not limited to the following.
*a gurl dats verii kute nd is shorter dan meh[[im 5"7 5"8]]
Jami: I prefer to be taller than my mate, so if you could make sure you’re not taller than about 5’6”, I would appreciate it. No offense to all of you very tall women who might be interested in dating me, but I much prefer petite women.
PC: The world looks down on me, so I want to look down on you.
*a gurl dats down too partii wit meh nd will actualii dance not just stand der da whole time hahahah
PC: I seek a free spirit, one who will join me in rhythmic interpretive self expression.
This particular room is quite blurry, but I'm sureyou can make out my student desk and my dresser with my television on top.
Jami: Please, no standing.
Jami: Age is only a game of numbers. I really don’t have any criteria other than that I ask you to please have an approximately equal level of attractiveness to me and be just as jovial! Hahaha! My intermittent laughter should be giving you an idea of what kind of a spirit I have within me.
PC: If you’re somewhere between puberty and menopause I’m gonna try to fuck you.
PC: While I lack personal transportation, it would be very convenient for both of us if you were in ownership of a vehicle, and in return for the monetary outlay for petroleum and/or ethanol based fuel products I would strive to compensate you through less tangible means, such as sheer mirth and joy through our mutual experiences.
Jami: We could run into curiously long donkeys in a rural area and I’m sure we would have a rootin’ tootin’ time.
There. Now the picture is less blurry. Can you see my furniture now? Great.
Jami: I particularly enjoy KitKat candy bars, so if you like them, too, I’ll share a bar with you. I like them sometimes for breakfast… Or even sometimes as a midnight snack. Perhaps even in the company of a long donkey. I am night owl and you should probably be one, too.
PC: Kit Kat. Â Because sometimes you’ve gotta fight, for your right, to party.
PC: I’m also homeless, and I’ll want to sleep in your car. Â But no sleep ’til Brooklyn.
Jami: About… Oh, nevermind. It really isn’t worth a discussion.
PC: Also, ask me about my brass monkey, that funky monkey.
*well um im 18 right now nd im 5″7 5″8 hahahah,nd im in a partii krew so hopefulli i kan show u off hahaha
PC: I look forward to blurring the lines between date rape and gang rape.
Jami: I am very proud of my lovers.
Jami: I like to eat KitKats at parties sometimes, but if you eat too much, you will need a beverage. Oh bother, there seems to be something in my eye. Haha! That tickles.
PC: It’s really less a question of when, and more a question of why I’m going to be arrested. Â Basically, just close your eyes and wing a projectile at the misdemeanor dart board, you’ll hit as good a reason as any. Â Although, if you party along with me, that would be very romantic. Â Like two ships, passing out in the night.
PC: I tend to vacillate between bursts of rage and fits of unexplained laughter when discussing aforementioned rage.
Jami: Would you like to battle in the streets? My goodness, I am having a lot of fun now! I am laughing so very much.
*im a dark skinded brother hahahahah hell naw i aint black hahahah im latino/mexican,well its da same but it sounds bettr dat way hahahha,but ummm im brown nd a little dark well not dark dark like i woodnt get konfused for a nigguh hahahah,i say from 1-10 10 being dark im about like 5 hahahha fuck it hahahahahaha
Jami: Sometimes I like to joke about what nationality I am — don’t you think it’s fun!? Please don’t get me confused with a KitKat bar. My complexion is not quite as dark as that. I would say I am a fairly average person.
PC: The phrase “Who’s yo’ daddy” is not just a figure of speech around my house.
*im 190 195ish yea mor too love hahah naww im just kiddn hahahah but im chubbi not realli but yea i dont gutta big stomach i just got sum lovehandles hahahah not big tho like medium small hahahha
PC: I’m overweight.
Jami: Sometimes I wear a girdle because I am insecure about my midsection.
*i love dooin random shit hahahah md i love dooin beer nd bottle runs hahahah kuz i aint 21 nd ita mo fun this way too hahahah
Jami: I have varying hobbies. Doctor, I sometimes drink so much that it appears that the bottle of adult beverages that I have consumed seems to be running. I am underage though, so please be advised you are talking to a bad boy!
PC: I’m a drunk and a thief.
*i love partying nd specialli dancin at dem ahahahhhaha i b gettin down hahaha
PC: I’m probably going to give you an STD.
Jami: I am limber and can touch my toes.
*i love kikinit nd goin too da movies,beach,parys,bonfires,boomers,SD ,LA,basiclii i love dooin anythin
Jami: I like KitKats and sometimes sneak them into the movie theater. I enjoy going to the beach, wearing bloomers by the bonfire, large cities, and a rare delicacy from my country, basiclii. It’s a fish.
PC: I’m unemployed.
*i dont kare wer we go or wut we doo but ass long ass ders 2 things der, havn fun nd da most important one,U
PC: I’m definitely going to give you an STD.
Jami: You probably don’t want to touch the long donkey’s genitals.
*i just love too kikit nd partii nd hav fun nd i want a gurl dat i kan doo dat wit,im tired of just fuckin wit this on nd off/bullshit/short term relationships,soo hopefulli i kan find a kute gurl wit a kar nd dat i kan actualli hav an actuall relationship with nd just hav fun hahahha
Jami: I think I’ve mentioned it, but I’m particularly fond of KitKat candy bars. I am seeking a long term relationship with you and your automobile. I promise, I will not just be using you for your car — as long as you are bringing me KitKats.
PC: I will remain unemployed for as long as you know me.
IS DAT U THO HAHAHHA
Jami: [he's clearing his throat here, or coughing or something]
But um if ure intrested den hit me up lol
PC: I tend to put forth a false bravado, but secretly, deep down, I lack a certain inherent sense of self esteem and personal confidence. Probably because of the STD.
PS
SenD Me A PiC oF Yo SeLF
Jami: Please enclose a photograph as I have shared my very best ones with you.
PC: If you’d like to see more of me, please watch this week’s episode of COPS. Â “Bad boys bad boys, whatchugonnado, whatchugonnado when they come for you…” Â Also, “What would you do for a Klondike Bar?” Â And, in closing, “Gimme a break, gimme a break, break me off a piece of that…”
Jami: We get it, PC. Â Stop singing, Â At least until the endorsement deals come through.
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29 Comments
*wiping away the tears*
Jami,
I have read every blog entry since the beginning. This is the best one evah. Seriously. You and PC are BRILLIANT in this exchange.
“Must like lizards…and anal.” That pretty much sums up the horrors of online dating, doesn’t it?
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Oh my dear sweet heavenly Lord. My eyes hurt, my sides hurt, and my brain hurts… or should I say “mY BraInZ iz HUrtIng hahahahah”. Ugh.
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I wish he had included a picture of this elusive “long donkey”…. or wait… maybe I don’t..
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I know what his problem is… some of the letters don’t work on his keyboard! Especially the ‘y’ — so he has to replace them all with ‘ii’. Also, he’s illiterate.
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This. Is. Priceless. Not to mention painful.
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What, there’s no moron-speak word for “relationship”? Pretty much the only correctly spelled word in the whole thing.. twice!
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You people have destroyed KitKats for me, forever! Also, donkeys.
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that was spectacular. my brain hurts a little from having to say the post outloud so that i could figure out phonetically what he was trying to say.
i wonder if typing practically every word incorrectly actually took him more time and effort than just writing it right would have.
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Why do I bother to learn English?
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I’m going to go and have a kitkat bar now
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The sad part is this guy will probably get responses. I bet there are women on okstupid right now searching profiles for “kikinit”.
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I’ve always considered myself spontaneous and up for doing random things at times. Never have I thought to myself, “Let’s sleep in the car, like as in make it our residence.” Maybe I’m not as random as I like to think.
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I forgot to add: I’d like to nominate this post for the DateWreck Hall of Fame because this is the funniest He Said-She Said ever (and they are usually pretty great). Thanks for throwing your funny at me guys!
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Oh definitely!! Please oh please Hall of Fame this one!!
I’m crying! I’m crying and craving Kitkats because of you people!! I wanna read it again, but my eyeballs might explode…
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U rool!
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That, my friends, is what we call functionally illiterate.
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Oh my dear sweet Jesus…this one hurts, so badly.
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Christ on a cracker, y’all are on a roll with the painful use of language… first the disciplinan (or however he spelled it) and now this?
Which is not to say I didn’t like it. Tears streaming down my face, actually literally loled. I love He Said She Said. And Datewrecks.
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“Must like lizards … and anal”
That -so- belongs on a DateWrecks t-shirt.
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/concur
Is this what our public schools are producing? *shudder* It makes me want to homeschool any future spawn.
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I’m sure the fact that he loves to party (which is pretty much the only thing he says about himself) will make a great basis for a long-term relationship with that special someone.
And I dearly hope he doesn’t randomly giggle like that when he’s talking to people in person. Seriously, I see people using “hahaha” or “lol” on the internet as though they’re punctuation, but if you were on a date with someone who laughed hysterically after making some innocuous statement like “I like watching movies and going out with my friends” you’d totally run from the restaurant screaming, amirite?
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Wow… I like lizards and KitKats! Sounds like I’ve found my my Mr. Right! Jami, you and PC never cease to amaze me
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It’s not the end of civilization-but you can see it from there. I long for the day that “uneducated, useless waste of human genetic material” doesn’t translate to “hip-hop cool…”
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The constant hahahaha and lol drives me NUTS!!! His inventive spelling makes my eyes bleed. Maybe next time KONVICT is in the slammer he should get hooked on some phonics!?
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Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
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awww! we’ve got a hater!
even further, this person has gone so far as to create their whole identity on this blog around their hatred for our beloved PC!
what a life you lead
[knuckle to your chin]
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I’m just going to sit back and wait for the “Click here to donate to American Literacy programs” button to appear while trying to keep my head from exploding.
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This…this right here is why I am single. Thank you, Jami! I found your website a week ago, and I’ve gotten maybe 4 hours of sleep every night since then, because I can’t leave this site. If I was a dude, I’d totally marry you.
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