You’re a slut… But that’s okay because I am too.

You may be asking yourself, “What in the world does this blog post have to do with that HORRIBLE picture of you, Jami?” Just read on… Trust me.

You R traditional, non-slut,moral,Latino/Italian/Jewish/European,22-34 – 36 (chicago, evanston, burbs)

I am curious if there are any sexy, gorgeous, low maintenance, down to earth, traditional, non-liberal head case sluts left?:)

What do I mean by Non-Sluts:

*You are 22-35
*You haven’t been with more than 0-few guys (just serious boyfriends–not flings) and can swear on your mother’s soul, your future children,–or take a lie detector test
*You haven’t had ANY one night stands or hookups that didn’t mean anything and you don’t count them–including any flings on vacation that only you know about and keeping a secret
*You believe oral or anal sex is sex and is part of sex and you don’t separate or indulged in either or if it wasn’t part of a relationship–including the ones in the car if you met some guys and never talked with them again
*You don’t use vibrators or dildos as a substitute for men and you can have a normal natural orgasm with a man
*You don’t believe in seeing or dating more than one person at a time
*You don’t have too many guy friends or think its normal to be friends with ex’es
*You dont go out until 4 a.m. drinking martinis at the Viagra Triangle on Rush Street only to say “you have to trust me” the next morning

What do I mean by traditional:

*You are not climbing any corporate ladder or stepping over corpses to get what you want (so if you work in a loop law firm or corporate type job where you come home at 10 p.m.–move on)
*You don’t define yourself by your job or career
*You are making plans with your personal life and not saying “I love being single. Its great!”
*You know the difference between male/female roles and you dont put on liberal feminist or b.s. attitudes
*You don’t hate your father
*Your ethnicity and or religious/spiritual beliefs can range from jewish to catholic (without the head case drama associated with either one)
*You are looking for “the one” and not “the one right now”

What I mean by low maintenance, down to earth, non-head case:

*you are naturally beautiful and dont need to look like a racoon with makeup
*you are just as fine eating at Pita Inn as you are having sushi
*you are open to new adventures without turning it into drama
*you pay or at least offer to pay for some of dates
* you don’t torture yourself about trying to be in rat race and competing with anyone and everyone
*you make a decent living or you are an entrepreneur but you don’t rub it into other;s faces
*you are not a high strung, medicine popping drama queen, chronic worrier, or see a shrink
*you workout in moderation without being a gym whore and can alternate between weights, yoga, aerobics, hiking, etc
* you are spiritual but not fanatically religious
*you have a calm, mellow, demeanor about you and your energy soothes
*you are conscious of being someone’s mirror, life partner, and biggest fan
*you don’t smoke, rarely drink, no drugs
* you are preferably an earth or water sign (except for capricorns(materialistic frigid bitches:)
* you are thankful for being alive and healthy over anything else

What I mean by sexy and gorgeous–
*if you dont know what this means-_I cant help you

About me:
6’0, Euro-American with jewish roots but spiritual lifestyle,, athletic, down to earth, easy going, professional, super handsome, conservative, not politically correct, and then some

send a pic or two and a comprehensive email–

Well shit. I wanna know what “…and then some” means… Do you think he’s got a big dick? Or a uterus?

Here’s my answers to his little… criteria: (if I meet his criteria, I’m putting my answer in green… if not, I’m putting my answer in red… As in scarlet. As in the scarlet letter… AKA Whorey, liberal, modern, slut bag shit.

NON-SLUT CHECKLIST

*You are 22-35 Check
*You haven’t been with more than 0-few guys (just serious boyfriends–not flings) and can swear on your mother’s soul, your future children,–or take a lie detector test Aw, fuck. Define “serious boyfriends”… I’m QUITE certain I could pass a lie detector test though. Bring it on!
*You haven’t had ANY one night stands or hookups that didn’t mean anything and you don’t count them–including any flings on vacation that only you know about and keeping a secret Sweet, Jesus. It’s like he’s in my head. Paulo, if you’re reading this, I miss you. That summer in Italy was one of the best of my life.
*You believe oral or anal sex is sex and is part of sex and you don’t separate or indulged in either or if it wasn’t part of a relationship–including the ones in the car if you met some guys and never talked with them again Woah. This is getting creepy. Was there a traffic camera filming me get anally gang banged by those guys a couple of summers ago? And isn’t road head a proper compensation for someone giving me a ride to work? It’s NOT!?
*You don’t use vibrators or dildos as a substitute for men and you can have a normal natural orgasm with a man …FML
*You don’t believe in seeing or dating more than one person at a time Maybe I need to go back to church.
*You don’t have too many guy friends or think its normal to be friends with ex’es Whew. I’m in the clear. I’ve only got four friends total and 75% of them have vaginas! Huzzah!
*You dont go out until 4 a.m. drinking martinis at the Viagra Triangle on Rush Street only to say “you have to trust me” the next morning FUCK ME. How does this guy know where I’m at and what I’m doing??

TRADITIONAL CHECKLIST

*You are not climbing any corporate ladder or stepping over corpses to get what you want (so if you work in a loop law firm or corporate type job where you come home at 10 p.m.–move on) Whew, I think I’m okay here. I have no upward mobility in my career choice and am home, at the latest, by 8pm. YES! Of course, this has less to do with my desire to climb a corporate ladder and more to do with my inherent laziness that has a crippling effect on my life. But I CERTAINLY don’t have the kind of self-motivation to be a lawyer!
*You don’t define yourself by your job or career Sometimes I ask myself, “Self, what’s it like to make fun of people every day?” That’s pretty fucking awesome. I guess that makes me an asshole, which… would… I suppose by definition describe me. Damn it all to hell!
*You are making plans with your personal life and not saying “I love being single. Its great!” Um, but being single is great. I get to go on dates with weirdos over and over again and sometimes, meet someone cool. Of course, that person always ends up being emotionally unavailable, but usually I can get some sex out of the whole deal. Then there’s the constant critical eye on my clothing and my body and my hair and my skin because I’m always under pressure to appear, “dateable.” So yea… I mean… Being single rocks. And you wanna talk about plans? I got plans. I’m actually trying to work out a vacation to Chicago for New Years… How’s that for direction??
*You know the difference between male/female roles and you dont put on liberal feminist or b.s. attitudes Oh, totes, mister. Totally! I am so totally down with staying at home and not having to work. I’ll make sure dinner is on the table, but only if I’m within delivery range of great restaurants and you give me an AmEx. And, I’m going to probably need to have the cleaning lady come once a week because I am incapable of doing my own laundry! Augh. Feminists and their incessant need to feel valuable!
*You don’t hate your father I do love my daddy…
*Your ethnicity and or religious/spiritual beliefs can range from jewish to catholic (without the head case drama associated with either one) Sweet. I am a Pagan/Zorastrian
*You are looking for “the one” and not “the one right now” I mean… Of course. Not RIGHT now. I’m reading your post on my G1 phone while I take a crap. I’m into a lot of things, mister, but sex while I poop is not one of them.

LOW MAINTENANCE, DOWN TO EARTH, NON-HEAD CASE CHECKLIST:

*you are naturally beautiful and dont need to look like a racoon with makeup Hm. I can’t remember the last time a woman tried to look like a raccoon by altering her makeup. Is this a veiled way of asking me if I’m a furry? Because I’m not.
*you are just as fine eating at Pita Inn as you are having sushi While they both sound like lovely establishments, I’m not sure I understand how I’m supposed to find food at a lodging facility for pita bread. You can’t expect me to actually storm into this hotel and EAT all their guests?? Also, I can’t eat sushi. It’s against my religion.
*you are open to new adventures without turning it into drama Adventures, eh? I like living on the edge… I’m down. But if I get hurt in any way, physically or emotionally, I’m going to sue. My and Judge Judy… We’re like THIS. And her show is real as fuck, no drama there.
*you pay or at least offer to pay for some of dates Oh no, darling. Hell no. Sorry. I’m super poor. I’m a single mother. Don’t you care about the children? Don’t you care about your future? If I have to pay for my McChicken, that is like taking food out of my son’s mouth, ya hear me?? Are you trying to tell me that you want my son to starve to death? But I mean, I’ll offer… So long as you agree to always follow up my offer with, “No, baby. I got it. Of course I do. Don’t be silly. I want you to keep all your money to help you raise that boy up right.” VERBATIM.
* you don’t torture yourself about trying to be in rat race and competing with anyone and everyone Oh gross! No. I think rats are creepy looking and gross. Rest assured, I will not have anything to do with any sort of rodent.
*you make a decent living or you are an entrepreneur but you don’t rub it into other;s faces Define, “rub it into other’s faces”… Because I’m short… And I TRY to rub my George Washingtons in people’s faces, but I usually just get their chins. I just can’t reach their faces. I’m coloring this answer green.
*you are not a high strung, medicine popping drama queen, chronic worrier, or see a shrink Well shit. Nevermind.
*you workout in moderation without being a gym whore and can alternate between weights, yoga, aerobics, hiking, etc By alternate, do you mean change channels on the TV? I can do that.
* you are spiritual but not fanatically religious Sorry. That’s also against my religion. Lord Zorast commands me to be something of a fanatic. Did you see my neato black nike sneakers??
*you have a calm, mellow, demeanor about you and your energy soothes …Yea, this might not work out darling. I tend to default to KYITN when you’re pissing me off.
*you are conscious of being someone’s mirror, life partner, and biggest fan I can promise you that I will look at myself in the mirror constantly.*
*you don’t smoke, rarely drink, no drugs Damn, damn, damn, daaaaaaamn.
* you are preferably an earth or water sign (except for capricorns(materialistic frigid bitches:) YAY! I’m a water sign. But be warned, I am the deadly and deceptive Scorpio. That Capricorn does sound like a total slut bag.
* you are thankful for being alive and healthy over anything else How very sunshiney of you! But no… I’m kind of a cunt… Pretty negative and SUPER critical. I am most thankful for the opportunity to judge people all.the.time.