Date Wreck: In Stereo
OkStupid — By Jami on November 23, 2009 at 10:53 am
You know it’s bad when someone has to edit their photo to encourage you to “view full pic” — I swear to God, after this one, I’m going to revert back to younger folks, but lawd… The oldies have invaded OkCupid and I just have to write about it.
Everyone, meet Stereo Jim. And FYI, his picture captions are of his very own making… As much as I’d like to take credit for them…
There are two smiles caused by wearing this spandex wrestling suit.
T-shirt was a gift from someone who knows me entirely too well (static fluffed hair, camera on floor pointing straight up)
prefer loose and comfy over dressy and restrictive
padded for your comfort & safety
StereoJim
56 / M / bisexual / Single
Grand Rapids, Michigan
I am mostly submissive, eager to please, and waiting for orders.
My Self-Summary
I’m far less dangerous than my profile might imply. I just didn’t want to rule anything out in advance – so I specified “BI” and checked all the “Looking for” boxes. My attempts to demonstrate willingness might be taken as “too much information”. (Sorry) I can be a perfect gentleman, or I can be crude & lewd. I can keep my hands to myself, or I can stick my tongue where invited. I can be clean & sweet, or we can get dirty. I will take no action without your permission, and I await your imagination.
I used to have impossibly high standards, now I realize they just held me back. I don’t look my age, I don’t want to be my age, and I choose to not act my age.
Any feedback on the pictures? I made them just for you. Wanna make some new ones?
What I’m doing with my life
Mythbusters’ Credo: If it’s worth doing, it’s worth overdoing. That’s it for the bragging section.I’m a chronic under-achiever with “such potential”. A good fixer-upper. This unit is: original owner – low mileage – can be customized to your needs. Take advantage of what’s possible.
I’m really good at
Building stuff in my woodshop. Updating house wiring. Organizing stuff. My computer is mostly used for making lists of media (DVD, VHS, CD, LP, books) and stuff in boxes & jars & little plastic drawers. Several visitors have said they wished they were so organized. They didn’t see the pile of play clothes kicked into the corner.The first things people usually notice about me
Usually somebody bumps into me and says: “Sorry, I didn’t see you”. I suspect my superpower is invisibility. I can’t dance, I can’t act, I can’t sing (not even in the shower). I can’t tell a joke – but I’m used to being the butt of one.I get asked why I am barefoot – I like the additional sensory input that you lose by wearing shoes. Stomping around in mud or slush can be so much fun, and I wasn’t allowed to do it when I was younger (I can still act like a child).
My favorite books, movies, music, and food
books>authors: Tom Clancy, Douglas Adamsmovies: well done Sci Fi, most are not. Like directors James Cameron, Steven Spielberg
TV: Stargate SG-1 & Atlantis, Battlestar Galactica, 4400, Eureka, Mythbusters, This Old House
music: large collection of progressive rock & art rock, especially Tangerine Dream (112 albums so far), Genesis, Yes, Mike Oldfield, Pink Floyd, Police, Beatles, Vangelis, Patrick O’Hearn, William Orbit, Mannheim Steamroller, Firesign Theatre, Synergy and assorted members’ thereof
food: Chocolate pudding licked out of the crevases of your body. The wonderful taste of pre-cum! Spaghetti with “Mom” sauce. The perfect burger will run down your arms and drip off your elbows. A napkin won’t be enough, you’ll need a hose.
The six things I could never do without
Music & big system to play it. (currently 7.2) Sci Fi & TCM TV channels. A hot night to play naked outside in the rain/mud. My woodshop. toilet paper (last but certainly not least).I spend a lot of time thinking about
Why don’t I get replies to my messages? Even a “no”.Why is it so hard to actually meet somebody? You might like me.
Stuff. I know lots of things – too bad most of it is useless.
Why ideas just *pop* in – and I do not know from where.
Where could I put a mud pit? (I mean dirt + water = messy fun)
Why hundreds of the questions here need a blog beyond a simple yes or no.
On a typical Friday night I am
Here – searching for somebody to tell me to get naked for her/him/them/it. Otherwise, home alone, bored with the TV selections, (unless it’s a new Sci Fi Friday). I am willing to share and/or be shared.The most private thing I’m willing to admit here
A guy I’ve known forever challenged me to a game of “Truth or Dare”. He gave up trying to see how far I would go when he ran out of ways to try to embarrass me. What unsettles me is that I wasn’t bothered by any of the things he dared me to do, while he refused most of my dares. Now he works out of state and I miss the degradation. How weird is that?I was stupid enough to drive to a total stranger’s apartment in response to an IM from horny 21M straight svp20 begging for a one nite stand blow job: “Roomie is sleeping, don’t knock, door will be open, come right into bedroom”. I never asked his name. He chickened out when confronted with the reality of what he had asked for, so nothing happened.
You should message me if
You’re as crazy as I wish I was. I am unable to say “I’ll do anything”, there’s a line I just won’t cross. I don’t know where it is – wanna help me look for it? Maybe you just want a new toy to play with.NOTES:
> The IM system often locks up on me, if I vanish without saying goodbye, please stick around, I’ll be back on shortly.
> I don’t log on every day, so there may be a delayed response.
> Fill out your profile essays, answer questions, take tests. I want to see your scores, hi or lo.
> If you are seeking a “Sugar Daddy”, I regret that I am not in a situation where I can be one.
[showing my roots here, but I'm typing this next sentence in my best Jeff Foxworthy voice -- don't hate!] If you have to qualify in the FIRST sentence of your profile how you aren’t as dangerous as you have willingly represented yourself to be, you might be a Date Wreck.
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27 Comments
I’m horrified to say this man looks like my ex-boyfriend’s father. I’m pretty sure it’s not him, but now I’m 31 flavors of creeped out. Thanks for that.
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I’m not so horrified as I am mystified. Half of his profile sounds completely normal – who doesn’t like Genesis? But chocolate pudding belongs in little cups, man. I have to be honest, I’m a little creeped out, yet I still have the desire to click the link!
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I’m removing Jim’s license to photoshop. And pose without a shirt. And write profiles.
Super Lurve
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And breathe.
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“searching for somebody to tell me to get naked for her/him/them/it.”
IT? really? what “IT” would you willingly get naked for?
and, i’m sorry, “pre-cum” is not wonderful – like, i wouldn’t order a pre-cum smoothie or anything…
and i think guys need to realize how yucky it sounds when they claim to want to stick their tongue in all of my nether regions. ick. i love my husband, but some places go unexplored.
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I think this is a phony ad. After all, he says he isn’t in a position to be mai Sugar Daddy-but he has that (obviously) custom green spandex onesie. Ya know those things don’t grow on trees!
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I made the mistake of reading this while on my lunch break. When I got to the line about loving the taste of “pre-cum” I spit out my Pringle. I may never be able to eat a Pringle again because I will now always think about this scary, sick man. Damn you StereoJim!!
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If the first thing you write in your profile is “I’m far less dangerous than my profile may imply” then you’re probably pretty dangerous.
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Wow, like the folks above his profile seemed to be reading fairly normally (sounds like your typical lifetime shut-in nerdy bachelor) until I got to that section about food.
Choco pudding ugh. Gross. Plus, the visual. DO NOT WANT.
Then pre-cum bit is just kind of thrown in there. At least he was nice enough to remind us later in the profile once again that he likes sucking dick. Yeah, we got it with the part where you said you were bi and a sub, thx.
“Mom” sauce? Is this another reference to sex fluids? I’m confused. And slightly terrified.
Drippy burger and needing a hose, plus all of the mudpit comments, make me think he’s one of those WAM folks. If this dude ever borrows a tarp from you, just write it off.
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I know. All the food euphemisms. Gag me with two people cuddling up to one another.
Super Lurve
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Question for Jami, do you break these down into classifications? Such as “Claims to be great at cunnilingus”, “Cock-shot” , “Living with Mother”, “Bathroom Mirror Portrait.” Maybe we could get some sort of scoring system, something like:- Cunnilingus 100 points: Appears Normal -50 points. Then the total at the end would be the recommended distance to keep them at.
Super Lurve
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Oh my god. This might be the most brilliant idea EVER.
Trying to brainstorm a system. Good idea! Damn.
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And of course he has a mullet. Can’t be white trash with out one of those, no matter how shaggy.
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I think that’s Hacksaw Jim Duggin of late 80’s wrestling fame.
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Sadly, that was my first thought as well.
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The mud sentence horrified you more than the “spaghetti with ‘mom’ sauce” one?
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What’s creepy is that he mentions what is likely his mother’s cooking, RIGHT AFTER TYPING “pre-cum”. Nice segue. Maybe it’s the ADD.
Why are all the old guys so obsessed with their semen? Didn’t it lose it’s fascination when they were 14 and jerking off into an old sock?
I liked Helen’s “smoothie” comment. I wonder if Starbucks should start offering seawater mixed with egg whites. Bleh.
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Weird…I found myself reading this and actually hoping he would find that special person (or thing) to be gross with. I think he’s trying way too hard to be witty (unsuccessful wittiness=creepy sadness), and the “padding” and wrasslin pictures are vomitous, but dude’s obviously lonely and I hope he finds something better than a horney 21 year old who’s scared of all that man….also…can we say TMI?
Super Lurve
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“Why is it so hard to actually meet somebody? You might like me.”
No, I’m reasonably sure I won’t. I have a sneaking suspicion no one will.
“You should message me if You’re as crazy as I wish I was.”
Oh StereoJim, you’re fooling yourself! You ARE as crazy as you wish! We’ve got the profile to prove it.
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“Spaghetti with ‘Mom’ sauce.”
Okay, now it sounds like Oedipus has a whole apartment complex. Either that, or ‘Mom’ only makes ‘Spaghetti’ with her ’special sauce’ twelve times a year.
He classifies himself as bi, but comes across as creepyoldergayfetishdude.
And if he likes to be degraded, why isn’t he on PoF, instead?
Super Lurve
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Hehe. I found this one. You’re welcome.
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Why does he have to drag the Mythbusters into this?!
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oh FUCK ME GENTLY WITH A CHAINSAW, HEATHER!!!!!
holy sweet mary mutha fuck. i haven’t even read the profile yet, but the pictures. my eyes, my *eyes*.
i just don’t even know what to say.
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Am I the only person who thought Mom sauce was a reference to breast milk? Other fluids related to being a mom just don’t bear thinking on…
Also: I’m 99% certain he’s a hoarder (the obsessive lists of his possessions as his primary use of the computer, boasting of how many albums he has, etc.).
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Teach this guy some Photoshop at least
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Okay….I am one of those poor souls who pictures everything in her head and I have a very sensitive gag-reflex. So as I was reading threw his profile and got to the section on his “favorite foods”… I couldn’t help but literally lose it. omg this man is disgusting…
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