He Said — She Said: Peekshures
He Said -- She Said — By Jami on November 4, 2009 at 12:23 am
Jami: Do you guys know what makes The Personals Critic so brilliant?
PC: Well, I got some Gingko Biloba to improve my memory, but I keep forgetting to take it.
Jami: He says to me, “Why don’t we do a whole post with just really terrible pictures?” And I’m all, “YES!” Do you guys ever remember the old Bros vs. Hoes posts I used to do? I’m not sure why I haven’t done one of these in a while, but LAWD, they’re fun. And sprinkle a little bit of PC on top of the pile of steaming wrecky photos…? It doesn’t get any better.
PC: Oh Jami, you sweet talker…
Jami: [mouthing the words 'elephant shoes'] I’ll take the men (that’s what she said)…
PC: And next week I’ll lead off with the women. Â Hit it Jami (which is also what she said)…
Jami: Birthdays are amazing… My birthday is tomorrow you guys (send money!) and if there’s one thing I look forward to, it’s getting coupons from restaurants for free birthday dinners. Falling in second place is having my friend do nice shit for me (send money!), but under NO circumstances will I wear a hat like this. What’s unfortunate for this dude is that it’s not his birthday. That’s just a reallllllllll stupid looking hat.
PC: Remember Jughead from the Archie comics? Â This guy is auditioning for the part in the motion picture.
Jami: File this under “A typical Friday night” for ol’ Bubba Blue. Man that looks thrilling. I also love the “Atlanta 1996″ banner on the back wall. Newsflash: if this is the BEST picture you’ve got in the last THIRTEEN YEARS, you should just go ahead and impale yourself with that cue.
PC: Oddly enough, this shot was taken at happy hour.
Jami: This ironic haircut brought to you by…
PC: If that’s not a zit, he should see his dermatologist immediately. Â I now have “Bittersweet Symphony” stuck in my head. Â “I am here, with my mole, I am here, with my mole…”
Jami: … His mother. And his grandmother… ON HIS DATING PROFILE. FTW. Seriously, guys. This isn’t okay. I don’t care if you’re still breastfeeding and your mom still puts a little suppository up your cheeky bum when you can’t make your doodies. I’d say, at the very least, leave your mom and granny off your personal ad… You really should have left your mom and granny at their house when you moved away from college, but I digress…
PC: Jami, show a little respect, you’re looking at three generations of virgins there. Â Grandma started the tradition by artificially inseminating herself with a turkey baster because “sex is messy”.
Jami: You know that this lei says? It says I’m a party animal. It says I know how I let loose. Do you see that I’ve got my sleeve pushed up? What….? Oh right, yea. I know I’m totally not going to get laid tonight. It’s cool.
PC: Posting that picture takes either a complete lack of self awareness or balls of solid rock. Â Something tells me this guy regularly uses the phrase “That code is a little janky.”
Jami: Ooh! Finally! A little variety with the bathroom mirror shot. Do you know what makes this little shot so clever…?
PC: The fact that he shows so little interest in the picture he is taking of himself, he cut his own head off?
Jami: What a nifty way to hide the fact that you’re a super huge guy with a super huge belleh, natch. Awesome. Nice ring, by the way.
PC: You know what the camera in the mirror shot says to me? Â It says “I am a lonely person, with no friends, and no one in my life who will take my picture.” Â Unless it’s a chick, in which case it tells me “The rest of these pictures are of me with no clothes.”
Jami: I know for a fact that I have at least one friend who will see this and be like, “Oh man! It’s the Spiderman (something or another) Limited Edition (something or another)! I’ve been looking for that on Ebay!” And to that friend, I say… When’s the last time you got laid, bub? This should also be filed under “A typical Friday night.”
PC: I am that friend Jami, and the answer is, it’s been a while.
Jami: He had two more just like this, guys. JUST LIKE THIS. What the heck, dude? Nerds are awesome, they really are. But this isn’t okay.
PC: I never got the posed, looking slightly off camera shot. Â What’s so interesting over there? Â Pay attention, someone is taking your picture. Â Also, do something about that hair, get some new glasses, change your shirt, oh, forget it, let’s just start over from gene one.
Jami: I want YOU to take a picture of me in my professional clothes for my personal ad. This looks kind of like an iStockPhoto gone cheap, doesn’t it?
PC: Bet ya a nickel he’s a motivational speaker. Â Double or nothing his favorite game is “Pull My Finger”.
Jami: Oh lawd, where to start. There are swords in the background. *heavy sigh* And you’re wearing really terrible shades… Indoors… Under a green light? (Please DEAR GOD, tell me it’s some kind of Superman lamp with glowing cryptonite!) and a fucking crystal…? Dude. That shit is plastic and you know it. I wonder ff it’s got a loop on the bottom and it’s really just an elaborate buttplug…
PC: No Jami, he’s drinking a martini out of a geode. Â Or perhaps he has invented the transparent potato. Â Oh, no, I’ve got it, it’s new and improved crack, with Retsin.
Jami: What are you doing in here, sexy? Oh that’s right… You are just sexy. RAWR. I wanna nom on your face and get beard burn on my — oh fuck. Sorry. I forgot what I was supposed to be doing right now. Back to the wrecks!
PC: *ahem*
Jami: I know that things happen to you as you get older… Your skin isn’t as smooth as it once was… Your muscles start to weaken, your bones become brittle… I know that some of your hair starts falling out and some hair starts growing in places that there used to not be hair… But when that shit is coming out of your ears, it’s time to head down to Brookstone and get a little trimmer, mmkay? Or are those dried flowers on your wife’s wall? Or is that a mounted animal of some sort? There are WAY too many questions being brought up by your picture sir.
PC: He ran out of Q-Tips. Â The poodle was right there. Â At the exact wrong moment, he sneezed.
Jami: I may be small, but I’m mighty! REDNECK WITH A MONKEY ON HIS ARM. ‘Nuff said.
PC: A man walks into a bar with a monkey on his arm. Â Make up your own punchline. Â Next.
Jami: On his profile, he professed to be an “old fashion type of guy”… If old fashioned means peach walls and lacy window trimmings, I’ll take anything else, please. Thanks. Also, all of his picture were taken in the same room with different outfits on it. Please dear god, tell me that he had a “fashion shoot” at his mom’s house! At least he had the sense to not let her be in the pictures!
PC: “Mom, I don’t know where to put my arms. Â Are you sure Dad’s tie looks good with this shirt? Â Can you tell that this is a calculator watch? Â How about now? Â Now?”
Jami: There’s a LOL Cat caption here, but I don’t like cats enough to come up with one.
PC: I think he just really doesn’t understand falconry.
Jami: Oooh yes. Now that was super fun. I’m still giggling about, “I don’t know what to do with my hands!” Come back next week to see PC take a shot at the bitches.
Chicks on deck! You have been summoned, DW readers — I want pictures of the worst lady daters you can find. Email them to me!
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25 Comments
This? This is marvelous. I can’t wait for next week.
And if the birthday bit wasn’t sweet, sweet sarcasm, Happy (albeit early) Birthday!
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That picture of the guy with the swords in the background? Gawd, I feel like I know him. And in many ways, I do know him. Also, you can totally get one of those giant diamonds at Michael’s. I kind of want one, just in case I ever have to make a heist movie.
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Whenever that happens to me with my cat, it’s usually not my choice and I have little holes in my shoulder afterward. I like how Jesus is looking down on them both though.
I think most of these pictures speak for themselves, but stumbling across Jesus on Okcupid is ironic in so many ways…
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I’m cutting some slack on the guy with the collectibles—he’s adorable! But I ain’t wearin’ the Princess Leia metallic bikini…
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He was soooo cute! I liked his ‘off camera shot’, and his hair, shirt and (especially) his glasses.
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I know! I liked him too! I’d totally date him.
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Comedy gold, as per usual. Happy almost birthday, Jami!
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The guy with the Mighty Muggs is pretty adorable. Yeah, that’s what those figure things are. Anyway, that’s pretty much my ideal type, although I see him being a little too critical of my comic knowledge.
“It was NOT the CURRENT Ms. Marvel who got impregnated by the alien life form who grew to be a man in mere weeks….you are so DUMB….::SIGH::”
Oh, and his glasses are fakes. I should know, I have some.
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I just don’t comprehend how people can be SO socially awkward that they can’t fucking figure out what is SMART to put as a picture on a dating site and what is just plain STRANGE!!
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Actually…I’ve worn one of those things in the first picture. It’s not a hat, it’s a paper crown that comes inside British party crackers. In my defense, I didn’t put on the crown until I was rather drunk…and I would never use a photo of myself wearing said crown on an online dating profile.
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Canadian Christmas crackers too. How is tissue paper so freakin’ HOT? Temperature-wise, anyway.
This guy, though = not hot. Do not brandish your meat at me, buddy.
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I, too, am won over by the adorableness of the guy with the figurines. And the geek in his mom’s sewing room has potential. Both of them just need a good woman with a whip. Who’s not their mom!
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The paper hat is from a Christmas cracker. The traidtion in my family is that you each get one at your place setting, then at the beginning of the Christmas repast, you turn to the person next to you, both pulling on one ond of the cracker, and pull it apart. Whomever gets the middle of the crackers gets whats inside (there is a technique to this) which usually includes the silly hat, a stupid cheap trinket (my favourite is the plastic mustache, and the mini toolkit is perfect for small installing batteries in small electric devices just recieved under the tree) and the most awful joke that you can imagine, which MUST be read for all to enjoy. Oh the joy of family meals.
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Where is the right nipple of the dude in the bathroom mirror? I mean, his left nipple is staring everyone right in the eyes, but where is the right one?
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“Old fashion type of guy” is still bitter that BJ Novak stole the part he wanted on the Office.
(That one’s for you, Chantelle.)
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The guy with his granny and ma… his mom looks like him in drag. I’m getting a “Psycho” feel.
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Normally I would give action figure boy a pass, because if you’re a complete nerd then it’s better that you get that fact out of the way instead of trying to feign coolness. That boy, however, is trying way too hard to pull off the geek chic thing. I suspect he started reading comics sometime within the last year, when he noticed that nerds were getting a disproportionately large percentage of the poon-tang now that high school was over. I’m onto you fake geek! I’m a real geek, and you sir are a fraud.
Peach walls and lacey curtains boy is a prime example of the opposite phenomena, which is a true geek trying to appear suave. Those boys should give each other lessons and then change identities all straight to DVD live action Disney movie style.
Dude number three most definitely has a pet rat and/or tarantula, and mirror pic boy looks like he’s reenacting a very specific scene from Pulp Fiction.
Massive Fail. All of you. Just terrible. If you can’t look even a little cool via the internet then what hope is there for a face-to-face encounter?
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“I’m a real geek, and you sir are a fraud.”
Well put. My sentiments exactly.
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Boo, Fake Geek! You’re just trying to get the hot geek chicks with your fakery!
I agree…might have gotten an okay, except he looks like he’s using his True-Geek Acquaintance’s collection for his own insidious means. Boooooooo.
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The guy with the Spiderman toys was kinda cute, but maybe that’s just the inner geek talking.
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See, to me the guy wearing the paper crown is showing that he’s spontaneous and not too uptight. It’s no fun dating someone who takes himself SO SERIOUSLY that he won’t put on a silly hat.
And I say bring on the “strange” profile pics. If a person has a weird hobby or whatever, they might as well showcase it. They’ll be more likely to attract a compatible freak that way. BUT–and this is important–make sure the picture is flattering.
For instance: if a dude loves exotic animals, he should go ahead and post a pic of him with a boa constrictor draped over his shoulders. But he should set up the picture by bathing and shaving and putting on an outfit that doesn’t have stains and making sure the room behind him is clean. Dig?
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I’m with everybody on the nerd (or fakey nerd, according to Miki, and I do see her point.) SUPER CUTE. The fact that he posed with his figurines worries me, though. It’s not that he HAS them, but that he felt the need to put them in his picture like a selling point. Eh.
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I’m especially disturbed by the mama/grandma’s boy. It doesn’t help that I’ve come across quite a few other grandmas in dating profile pictures (and that’s not counting the in-their-30′s biker girls that just looked worn and leathery). Some people, in all their piety, just don’t realize how creepy that is.
It’s grueling enough having to meet someone else’s mom and grandma when you’ve been dating the person for a long time. This is like “Nice to meet you, ladies. Here’s my Nana.”
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I think the nerd guy’s ‘staring off into the distance” pose is meant to be a copy of the “40-year-old virgin” poster.
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Lord. The dude with the crystal… thats my ex-boyfriend. Seriously. Winner all the way. Lost his job to WoW. And his girlfriend. That photo does not show the long nasty hair he’s sporting now though. Its a Semi-mullet. I said EX, right?
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