Jami: Do you guys know what makes The Personals Critic so brilliant?
PC: Well, I got some Gingko Biloba to improve my memory, but I keep forgetting to take it.
Jami: He says to me, “Why don’t we do a whole post with just really terrible pictures?” And I’m all, “YES!” Do you guys ever remember the old Bros vs. Hoes posts I used to do? I’m not sure why I haven’t done one of these in a while, but LAWD, they’re fun. And sprinkle a little bit of PC on top of the pile of steaming wrecky photos…? It doesn’t get any better.
PC: Oh Jami, you sweet talker…
Jami: [mouthing the words 'elephant shoes'] I’ll take the men (that’s what she said)…
PC: And next week I’ll lead off with the women. Â Hit it Jami (which is also what she said)…
Jami: Birthdays are amazing… My birthday is tomorrow you guys (send money!) and if there’s one thing I look forward to, it’s getting coupons from restaurants for free birthday dinners. Falling in second place is having my friend do nice shit for me (send money!), but under NO circumstances will I wear a hat like this. What’s unfortunate for this dude is that it’s not his birthday. That’s just a reallllllllll stupid looking hat.
PC: Remember Jughead from the Archie comics? Â This guy is auditioning for the part in the motion picture.
Jami: File this under “A typical Friday night” for ol’ Bubba Blue. Man that looks thrilling. I also love the “Atlanta 1996″ banner on the back wall. Newsflash: if this is the BEST picture you’ve got in the last THIRTEEN YEARS, you should just go ahead and impale yourself with that cue.
PC: Oddly enough, this shot was taken at happy hour.
Jami: This ironic haircut brought to you by…
PC: If that’s not a zit, he should see his dermatologist immediately. Â I now have “Bittersweet Symphony” stuck in my head. Â “I am here, with my mole, I am here, with my mole…”
Jami: … His mother. And his grandmother… ON HIS DATING PROFILE. FTW. Seriously, guys. This isn’t okay. I don’t care if you’re still breastfeeding and your mom still puts a little suppository up your cheeky bum when you can’t make your doodies. I’d say, at the very least, leave your mom and granny off your personal ad… You really should have left your mom and granny at their house when you moved away from college, but I digress…
PC: Jami, show a little respect, you’re looking at three generations of virgins there. Â Grandma started the tradition by artificially inseminating herself with a turkey baster because “sex is messy”.
Jami: You know that this lei says? It says I’m a party animal. It says I know how I let loose. Do you see that I’ve got my sleeve pushed up? What….? Oh right, yea. I know I’m totally not going to get laid tonight. It’s cool.
PC: Posting that picture takes either a complete lack of self awareness or balls of solid rock. Â Something tells me this guy regularly uses the phrase “That code is a little janky.”
Jami: Ooh! Finally! A little variety with the bathroom mirror shot. Do you know what makes this little shot so clever…?
PC: The fact that he shows so little interest in the picture he is taking of himself, he cut his own head off?
Jami: What a nifty way to hide the fact that you’re a super huge guy with a super huge belleh, natch. Awesome. Nice ring, by the way.
PC: You know what the camera in the mirror shot says to me? Â It says “I am a lonely person, with no friends, and no one in my life who will take my picture.” Â Unless it’s a chick, in which case it tells me “The rest of these pictures are of me with no clothes.”
Jami: I know for a fact that I have at least one friend who will see this and be like, “Oh man! It’s the Spiderman (something or another) Limited Edition (something or another)! I’ve been looking for that on Ebay!” And to that friend, I say… When’s the last time you got laid, bub? This should also be filed under “A typical Friday night.”
PC: I am that friend Jami, and the answer is, it’s been a while.
Jami: He had two more just like this, guys. JUST LIKE THIS. What the heck, dude? Nerds are awesome, they really are. But this isn’t okay.
PC: I never got the posed, looking slightly off camera shot. Â What’s so interesting over there? Â Pay attention, someone is taking your picture. Â Also, do something about that hair, get some new glasses, change your shirt, oh, forget it, let’s just start over from gene one.
Jami: I want YOU to take a picture of me in my professional clothes for my personal ad. This looks kind of like an iStockPhoto gone cheap, doesn’t it?
PC: Bet ya a nickel he’s a motivational speaker. Â Double or nothing his favorite game is “Pull My Finger”.
Jami: Oh lawd, where to start. There are swords in the background. *heavy sigh* And you’re wearing really terrible shades… Indoors… Under a green light? (Please DEAR GOD, tell me it’s some kind of Superman lamp with glowing cryptonite!) and a fucking crystal…? Dude. That shit is plastic and you know it. I wonder ff it’s got a loop on the bottom and it’s really just an elaborate buttplug…
PC: No Jami, he’s drinking a martini out of a geode. Â Or perhaps he has invented the transparent potato. Â Oh, no, I’ve got it, it’s new and improved crack, with Retsin.
Jami: What are you doing in here, sexy? Oh that’s right… You are just sexy. RAWR. I wanna nom on your face and get beard burn on my — oh fuck. Sorry. I forgot what I was supposed to be doing right now. Back to the wrecks!
PC: *ahem*
Jami: I know that things happen to you as you get older… Your skin isn’t as smooth as it once was… Your muscles start to weaken, your bones become brittle… I know that some of your hair starts falling out and some hair starts growing in places that there used to not be hair… But when that shit is coming out of your ears, it’s time to head down to Brookstone and get a little trimmer, mmkay? Or are those dried flowers on your wife’s wall? Or is that a mounted animal of some sort? There are WAY too many questions being brought up by your picture sir.
PC: He ran out of Q-Tips. Â The poodle was right there. Â At the exact wrong moment, he sneezed.
Jami: I may be small, but I’m mighty! REDNECK WITH A MONKEY ON HIS ARM. ‘Nuff said.
PC: A man walks into a bar with a monkey on his arm. Â Make up your own punchline. Â Next.
Jami: On his profile, he professed to be an “old fashion type of guy”… If old fashioned means peach walls and lacy window trimmings, I’ll take anything else, please. Thanks. Also, all of his picture were taken in the same room with different outfits on it. Please dear god, tell me that he had a “fashion shoot” at his mom’s house! At least he had the sense to not let her be in the pictures!
PC: “Mom, I don’t know where to put my arms. Â Are you sure Dad’s tie looks good with this shirt? Â Can you tell that this is a calculator watch? Â How about now? Â Now?”
Jami: There’s a LOL Cat caption here, but I don’t like cats enough to come up with one.
PC: I think he just really doesn’t understand falconry.
Jami: Oooh yes. Now that was super fun. I’m still giggling about, “I don’t know what to do with my hands!” Come back next week to see PC take a shot at the bitches.
Chicks on deck! You have been summoned, DW readers — I want pictures of the worst lady daters you can find. Email them to me!
