He Said — She Said — You Said?
He Said -- She Said — By Jami on November 18, 2009 at 1:45 am
I realize that the folks that read this blog are some of the smartest snarkies out there and I had a thought…
What if you were given the chance to really run with your sarcasm? What if I were to place at your feet a total and complete Date Wreck with zero commentary and let you guys do all the funny business?
So… For your consumption, meet Jim.
I am horny, passionate, and multi-orgamic.
My Self-Summary
To me, there is just nothing in this world that compares to the sensation of pumping out a big creamy load of my sperm up inside some slippery, wet pussy! I’m always ready, willing and eager to stretch any woman’s pussy and fill her to overflowing with my cum!
What I’m doing with my life
Just trying to have a much fun as possible!
I’m really good at
Giving pleasure to women!
The first things people usually notice about me
My very open attitude regarding sex.
My favorite books, movies, music, and food
I love to eat a nice slice of ‘fur pie’!
The six things I could never do without
Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, and sex!
I spend a lot of time thinking about
SEX
On a typical Friday night I am
In bed fucking someone’s brains out.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit here
I wear a really nice, solid gold, cock ring just beneath the head of my penis.
You should message me if
You’d like to feel me spurt a big, warm, creamy load of my ooey-gooey, sperm-laden semen up inside that slippery wet vagina of yours!
The commenter with the most “thumbs up” will be invited to guest spot next week with either me or the Personals Critic, your choice.
Sounds like fun, no?
Alright, GO.
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51 Comments
Oh for fuck’s sake. It’s going to be a while before I can ingest anything with “cream” in its name.
Super Lurve
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or with fur, lol.
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The only things that should be ooey-gooey should be from Pillsbury.
At least he likes giving pleasure to women. Most guys that sex-addicted only care about their own needs. So heads up… *smacks forehead* shouldn’t have said those two words.
As long as he doesn’t get a hairball from eating fur pie, I’ll be happy for him. Meanwhile, I think I, myself, will proceed gagging.
*commences gagging*
Super Lurve
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Well if we can’t all be multi-orgamic I don’t know what the hell is wrong with the world today.
And again I ask: WHAT THE FUCK?!
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The picture alone was enough to make my nether regions clamp shut like a bear trap. Why grandpa decided to take us on a hike down the happy trail, I will never know, but maybe we should stop letting him out of the home.
I’m not sure why he felt the need to fill his profile with nothing but sex, all he really had to say was “Werther’s.” Nothing turns my crank like hard candy and a game of strip bingo… Also, imitation crab meat can’t hurt.
Super Lurve
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Alright, so Jim’s method of “pleasuring” a woman, is apparently, shooting a load of his ooey gooey sperm-laden semen,(sweet talker!) into her slippery, wet pussy. Hey, you know who else can do that? Pretty much every man on the planet. It’s called biology, JIm.
Super Lurve
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I guess we now know what constitutes the Colonel’s secret blend of herbs and spices.
P.S.
No fucking way this is real.
Super Lurve
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OK first off, Phil Donahue telling me all about how he loves to shoot a hot load is just not OK.
“I am horny, passionate, and multi-orgamic.” A misspelling of a little known word here: Multi-origamic means that your vagina will slam shut and fold itself into 1,000 origami cranes after meeting him in person. Which of course means your fondest wish will come true – to blot out the memory of that picture.
If on a typical Friday night you are fucking someone’s brains out, WHY ARE YOU ON OKC? It seems like you are already getting the action you need, Grampy!
Apparently, the specific location of his inevitable cock ring is the most private thing he is willing to admit. If you couldn’t tell from the picture, this is a dude with NO SECRETS.
Super Lurve
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Oh! You totally stole my origami bit! But yours is 10x funnier than what I was gonna say anyway, so kudos to you. BWAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHA!
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1) He’s really obsessed with his own spooge. I never understand how straight guys can be that obsessed with a substance that is, by definition, masculine, as in “from a man.” Captain Man-Frosting here has company, though, if porn is anything to go by.
2) But … wait. He wants to blortch out his Elmer’s Goo “up inside” a vagina and “fill [it] to overflowing”? That means no condom. And he specifies it’s “sperm-laden,” so he’s not fixed. So you can not only catch a disease from him, you can also catch a baby from him. Lovely.
3) I know he means a penis piercing, but “cock ring” usually means the sex toy — the collar or band worn at the base of the penis or penis and testicles (the latter being collectively called “the junk”). I hope he means the piercing and not that he’s courting gangrene by wearing a metal cock ring all the time.
I call shenanigans. I think this guy is trying to start a new life for himself as a stud and is posting as he thinks studs post. If he’s not lying, it means he’s found a lot of women who share his fascination with his own output, which fills me with despair. Alternatively, it means he’s paid women who pretended to be fascinated by his spooge, and he’s too dumb to realize that those women were lying.
God, I wish he didn’t look like a professor.
Super Lurve
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I think you’re right that he’s posting what he thinks stud-monkeys post…the ad reads like a fantasy to me. A horrible, cream-ruining, breakfast-spoiling fantasy. And a fairly uninspired one, at that.
Super Lurve
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“captain man frosting”–oh sweet baby jeebus!!! that is BRILLIANT! thumbs up, lady.
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Wait, is it spooge or splooge as Miki says? This is important, is it an onomatopoeia? Oh gosh I need to know.
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Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
We hate you
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“I’m always ready, willing and eager to stretch any woman’s pussy and fill her to overflowing with my cum!”
Guess what? The prospect of being stretched there doesn’t sound that appealing. On a related note, the term ”any woman” is not very endearing.
“big, warm, creamy load of my ooey-gooey, sperm-laden semen”
Anyone with me that is sounds like the antepenultimate stage of syphilis? Just before the open sores and then everything rots?
On the other hand, we might have found the perfect match for Rosie.
Super Lurve
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I can’t have cream. I’m lactose intolerant.
Super Lurve
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The number one reason to never mix speed and viagra…
Super Lurve
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First of all gramps, the picture. Dear lord… The picture. While I would like to thank you ever so much for cropping the image just before I caught site of your wrinkly old man shmackle, you let it go just long enough that my mind filled in the blanks. ****shudder****
“To me, there is just nothing in this world that compares to the sensation of pumping out a big creamy load of my sperm up inside some slippery, wet pussy! I’m always ready, willing and eager to stretch any woman’s pussy and fill her to overflowing with my cum”
You totally stole that out of a Hallmark card, dude. Nice try. I have that one sitting on my mantle. I got it for my fourth anniversary, where I believe cream is the traditional gift.
“What I’m doing with my life
Just trying to have a much fun as possible!”
If by fun you mean trips to the free clinic, then I’d say you’re heading in the right direction. You know, any girl there is probably pretty into the idea of you making her into a human Twinkie, since only slutty whores get tested for STDs, so while you’re waiting to find out if those sores will go away on their own, maybe you can score some strange. Yay! Multitasking!
“The first things people usually notice about me
My very open attitude regarding sex.”
That’s the FIRST THING? The very first thing? Like, if I’m drinking coffee at some yuppie coffee shop and I see you from across the room, I’m gonna leave over to my girlfriends and say, ‘Check out the open attitude about sex on that guy’? Because I’m willing to bet the first thing people notice about you is the stench of Ben-Gay, Geritol, and despiration.
“My favorite books, movies, music, and food
I love to eat a nice slice of ‘fur pie’!”
Oh right… I’ve read that book. Dolstoyevsky, right? Brilliant work. Now what about your favorite movies, music, and food?
“The six things I could never do without
Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, and sex!”
Yes, who needs friends, family, food, oxygen, or any of those other luxuries. Best to just list off ’sex’ six times, lest anyone think you weren’t fully dedicated to getting laid. I mean, up until now your profile has been a bit ambiguous. Does this guy want to fuck me, or buy me a nice cup of tea? Yes, well, thank you for clearing that up.
“I spend a lot of time thinking about
SEX”
Hey, me too! Unfortunately, it’s not sex with crusty old guys who type out To Catch A Predator style profiles on OKC.
“On a typical Friday night I am
In bed fucking someone’s brains out.”
No you’re not. Come on… Admit it. You’re playing Bingo down at the church hall and ‘accidentally’ getting all feely with the nice girls that volunteer to call the numbers. The last time you fucked someones brains out it involved breaking into a morgue, and you’re never getting off that government list now.
“The most private thing I’m willing to admit here
I wear a really nice, solid gold, cock ring just beneath the head of my penis.”
Umm… You know that’s not how cock rings are supposed to work, right? Never EVER use metal for a cock ring. Not unless you want to wind up in the ER while some hapless overworked nurse has to take that miniture circular saw tool to your junk. Wait… You do want that, don’t you?
“You should message me if
You’d like to feel me spurt a big, warm, creamy load of my ooey-gooey, sperm-laden semen up inside that slippery wet vagina of yours!”
No thank you. See, aside from the fact that I prefer vaginas over penises anyway, I would like to point out to you that no girl outside of fictional porn characters is turned on by descriptions of your splooge. I know plenty of straight girls, and they’ll tolerate your splooge, some will even half-heartedly pretend to like the taste of it, but no girl gets all wet and tingly at the mention of it. I promise you, your splooge does not turn girls on in any way. Now someone please have a Viagra intervention on this guy before he hurts himself.
Super Lurve
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I put on my sarcastic pants for this, Jami? I think you just wanted to skip the easy mark.
Tsk, tsk.
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Well, I never!
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in case we REAAALLYY didn’t get the picture, his god-given name is:
Jim_luvs_ballin
heehee. i’m gonna do some origami now, ponder a slice of fur pie with a load of cream on it, and proceed to throw up in my mouth. uhLOT.
Super Lurve
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Dude, step away from the bottle of little blue pills.
I think that he’s forgotten one of the serious side effects that Bob Dole discussed in his Viagra commercials– erections lasting more than 4 hours require one to go the ER, and are not a sign of one’s sexual prowess.
(Jami, you didn’t post how old this guy says he is. I’m guessing that he’s “39.”)
Now, off to tighten the lock on my chastity belt.
Super Lurve
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I clicked on his profile, and he says he’s 60, though that’s still quite a bit younger than he looks.
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HAHAHA I am just scrolling down, clicking all the little green thumbs as I frighten my husband with my maniacal laughter. You are all just too funny! I would hate to be the one in your place, Jami, if you are called in to break a tie.
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Oh, dang. I hadn’t considered that. FUCK.
Tie breaker has to email Jim and get another picture?
BARFBARFBARF
Super Lurve
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Hey if i log in from another computer (on the same network)can i send Daves’ comment even deeper into the depths?
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Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
We hate you
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If you’re into porn featuring older men, sure.
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I always wondered what happened to me chemistry taecher from high school, well now I know. No wonder the lunch ladies were always so happy.
Super Lurve
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Dad? Is that you?
We\\\\\\\'re on the fence. And it hurts our no-no zone.
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Guys. Guys. Clearly this is a hot young stud wearing an old guy mask. You can see the edge around his neck! This makes me feel much better about his willingness to do any woman who didn’t have the foresight to keep Mace or a phone handy. And he made it sound so sexy, like having a hot glue gun rammed up your genitals! Also the fact that not only is she almost certain to become pregnant, but any fertile female within a 2-mile radius will as well. These genes must be passed on. FOR THE COMMON GOOD.
Super Lurve
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Oh for the love of Christ! I cannot live without sex either but…honestly, after seeing this guy…..I’m afraid I will have to , since my vagina has packed it in and crawled under a rock somewhere and I don’t believe I’ll ever find it again. And the solid gold cock ring? Gives a hole new meaning to “gold digger”. Ugh!
*gag*
Super Lurve
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I think “fur pie” has just beaten out “twat” for worst-name-for-my-cooter-ever. Is anyone else picturing the pie that cat-lady Aunt Gertrude brings to thanksgiving that’s always covered in cat hair? Barfity barf barf.
Super Lurve
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I think twat is still worse. Fur pie makes me think of furbys (kind of cute looking).. twat makes me think of squat (not an attractive thought).
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“My Self-Summary: To me, there is just nothing in this world that compares to the sensation of pumping out a big creamy load of my sperm up inside some slippery, wet pussy! I’m always ready, willing and eager to stretch any woman’s pussy and fill her to overflowing with my cum!”
Umm Gramps, if you’re dating withing your age-range there is a good chance that the pussy you speak of has already been stretched to its limit.
The first things people usually notice about me
My very open attitude regarding sex.”
Huh, I wonder where they would get that idea…
“You should message me if:You’d like to feel me spurt a big, warm, creamy load of my ooey-gooey, sperm-laden semen up inside that slippery wet vagina of yours!”
Nothing turns a woman on more than the term “sperm-lade semen”
Super Lurve
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Ahahaha! This comment is my personal favorite!
But seriously… a solid gold “cock ring”?!
Well, now that I think about it, he couldn’t use a silver one ’cause it would tarnish amid all those Friday night spunk-a-thons.
Dear Jim,
You gave me reason to use the word “spunk-a-thon”. I would say, “FUCK YOU,” but you would probably get the wrong idea.
Have fun with syphilis!
-Samantha
Super Lurve
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Looks like Paige might have it.
Tony V. and Miki are right on her heels.
I’m going to let the numbers run through Friday and we’ll pick a winner then.
Seriously you guys — best.comments.ever. I’m so glad we did this!
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Looks, like you spoke too soon
I’ve been kicking myself for not thinking of Tony’s Origami idea.
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I’m totally going to do this again. It was super fun.
I think Miki might’ve pulled it out at the end. I’ll tally up numbers Friday night because, well… You know I’m cool like that. I like counting on Friday nights. PAR-TAY.
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O my. “pulled it out in the end”..heheh Good stuff Jami
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I’m so glad he’s SO multi-organic, I mean that’s gotta be what he means right, I have been looking for some multi-organic men for so long now, hard to find them you know, everyone uses pesticide these days!
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I was eating while I read this. Thanks.
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Ed Bagley Jr.! What the hell happened to you??!?!?!?
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Meet Ron Popeil, inventor of the Spooge Looger 5000. It slices! It dices! It stretches! It pumps! Removes for easy clean-up. Now for only $19.99 plus cabfare. But wait–there’s more! Order now, and we’ll also include a free STD of your choice. Hurry, offer expires soon.
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Someone this obsessed with talking about sex and sperm is probably virginal or impotent and desperately overcompensating.
If the former, he is probably about to implode from the back-up, and the resulting accident be reminiscent of that scene in the first Ghostbusters film when they blew up a 500 foot high Sta-Puft marshmallow man all over New York.
Ew. I will probably never eat marshmallows again. Bleh.
If the latter, expect him to gobble a handful of blue pills before getting busy with the mentally-deficient, desperate trollhag who responds, and then mutter, 12 seconds later, “This has NEVER happened to me before, EVER, I SWEAR.”
It’s like a Creepy Sex Addict Grandpa Ken doll. Accessories include pierced schlong, spray-on tan, manscaping stencil, subscription to Hott Juggs, restraining order, truckload of blue “vitamins,” black satin polyester sheets, G.E.D., a pack of Werher’s hard candies, a Hannah Montana CD to try to “connect” with the youngsters, 6-pack of Rohypnol-spiked wine coolers, leopard-print banana hammock, Blu-Blocker cruisin’ shades, knee-high black socks and Birkenstocks, a windowless white van, and double-wide trailer out in the sticks, so he doesn’t get in trouble for violating Megan’s Law.
Super Lurve
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I meant “accident WILL be,” oops.
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+50 for boasting about cunnilingus (or fur pie as he puts it)
-50 for no obesity problem
+50 for amusing typo (what is orgamic? some sort of organic cream)
+50 for repeated references to sex, and dropping the F*&% word
-50 for a luxuriant full head of hair in a nice sort of wave
+50 for two referencs to wet lady-parts
Which gives us a total of 100, that being the distance in miles to keep him at. All-in-all a fair score I think, 100 miles is a “infrequent visit” sort of distance, but not “super crazy”.
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i hope his kids are aware of his spreading his seed all willie-nillie. they may lose their shares of his estate. and they’ll need it for their kids’ extensive therapy: ooey-gooey, grandpa? are we having marshmallows?
(shiver)
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