I think suicide is a fine option…
OkStupid, Worst Wrecks — By Jami on November 9, 2009 at 4:29 pm
For me, I mean. I think killing myself would be better than possibly ending up with this guy, or a guy like him, in my dating pool.
Emily sent this one to me (for those of you not in the know, she wrote the last post) . I suppose I didn’t do a very good job (read: any job at all) of introducing her. Heh. My b.
So, Emily sent this to me over instant message. I think I was at work when she sent it because when I asked her about it again, I was at home and didn’t have the link.
She wrote: Jami, I’m serious. Apologize to The Internet for what they’re about to see. And make sure EVERYONE knows that YOU MADE ME LOOK AGAIN!!!!!
Again, my B, folks.
*Ahem* Introducing Hung Old Dude.
Click here — Or don’t.
Picture of his jizzle on his abzzz. Seriously. This made me retch more than a cock shot would have!
(I’ve also added a shopped version in the comments for those with a less discerning eye)
jj69gall
39 / M / straight / Available
Raleigh, North Carolina
My Self-Summary
HONEST AND UPFRONT GUY HERE.I AM 4 REAL THERE IS NO DRAMA OR BS HERE.
YOU EITHER LIKE ME OR YOU DON’T
I NOT A MODEL AND I’M NOT PERFECT I DO NOT MAKE LOT’S OF MONEY EITHER I’M HUMAN AND FOR REAL WITH A AVERAGE PAYING JOB.I LIKE TO SHOOT POOL,DARTS,PLAY CARD’S(CRIBBAGE,SPADES,RUMMY)DOMINOES,BOWLING,MOVIES IN OR OUT.I DO NOT DRINK OR DRUG SO I DO NOT GET INTO THE BAR SCENE.
I’VE BEEN SOBER AND CLEAN 7 YRS.
I ALSO HAVE A PROFILE ON ADULT FRIEND FINDER UNDER licku2orgasmssss.
IF YOU’D LIKE TO CHAT WITH A REAL,OPEN MINDED,DOWN TO EARTH GUY THEN EMAIL ME.
What I’m doing with my life
WELL,WHAT I’M DOING IS WORKING AT A GOLF COURSE DOING GOLF COURSE MAINTENANCE.I’M ACTUALLY WORKING ON ONE THAT IS BEING BUILT IT’S PRETTY COOL.
PLUS,I MOW A YARD ON THE SIDE.I’m really good at
I’M GOOD AT KEEPING IT REAL.I FEEL HONESTY IS THE BEST POLICY EVEN THOUGH SOME TIMES IT CAN KICK ME IN THE ASS.I’M GOOD AT GIVING PLEASURE MORE THAN RECEIVING.I BEEN TOLD I’M GOOD AT GIVING MASSAGES HEAD TO TOES AND YES,FOOT MASSAGES.
I’VE BEEN TOLD I’M GREAT AT GIVING ORAL PLEASURE.
The first things people usually notice about me
I HAVE BEEN TOLD I HAVE A CUTE ASS.PLUS,A NICE TAN.My favorite books, movies, music, and food
I LIKE ACTION MOVIESMUSIC I LIKE RUSH,CREED,GODSMACK,BOSTON,CAR’S,KISS,COLLECTIVE SOUL,DREAM THEATER,AC/DC.
FOOD I LIKE LOBSTER,SHRIMP,SCALLOPS,LASANGA,SPAGHETTI,CHEF SALADS,CHINESE ETC…
The six things I could never do without
I HAVE BEEN HOMELESS A FEW TIMES IN MY LIFE.I DO NOT NEED MATERIAL STUFF TO MAKE ME HAPPY.IT’S NICE TO HAVE BUT I HAVE BEEN ON BOTH SIDES.I spend a lot of time thinking about
THE LESS THINKING I DO THE BETTER LOL.I ACTUALLY JUST THINK ABOUT LIFE IN GENERAL.HOW,LIFE HAS IT’S UPS AND DOWNS AND HOW SCREWED UP LIFE CAN BE.On a typical Friday night I am
TYPICAL,FRIDAY NIGHT WATCHING WWE WRESTLING BUT THAT’S BECAUSE I’M SINGLE.IF,I WAS NOT SINGLE THEN I’M SURE WE WOULD BE DOING SOMETHING ELSE.The most private thing I’m willing to admit here
WELL,I’M OPEN MINDED AND LOVE 2 KEEP IT HOT AND SPICY IN THE BED.I LOVE 2 GIVE PLEASURE MORE THAN RECEIVE.
I TRULY LOVE GIVING LOT’S,LOT’S OF ORAL AND FOURPLAY.
PLUS,I HAVE BEEN TOLD I’M NOT THE AVERAGE SIZE WHITE GUY.
You should message me if
YOU SHOULD MESSAGE ME IF YOUR LOOKING FOR A GUY THAT IS GOING TO KEEP IT REAL AND NOT FILL YOU UP WITH A BUNCH OF BS.
want to chat go from there instant message me on the Y jj69gall
OH EM GEE. THAT IS TOTALLY A SHOT OF HIS NUT JUICE ON HIS STOMACH!
AHHHHH!!! MY EYES!! MY EYES!
Ok… Deep breaths, folks. We’ll get through this.
You know how fucking vile that is? I mean, I’ll take a cock shot over a nut smear any day of the week. Shit, I’d take a baker’s dozen cock shots, lined up in a row and slapping me in the face over that shit. BARF man. BARF city.
Emily also found him on Plenty of Fish but I ain’t lookin’ for his Adult Friend Finder ad… There’s no telling how nasty he gets on that one. Do we get a shot of his colon, a’la Goatse?
Fucking EW man.
I can’t believe that, somewhere, in NC, there’s some dude thinking it’s okay to flash your funk on your personal ad, I don’t give a shit if you’re just looking for casual sex.
Your little men should end their days with dignity in a cum towel or a tube sock, not in a shiny spooge loogie on your loosely-skinned midsection.
FUCKING EW, man. EW.
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64 Comments
Soo….not average size for a white guy. Does he mean smaller?
(alas, my eyes could not avoid the pic, so I know what he meant)
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I still can’t believe that I would prefer his cock shot over his sticky spot.
BARF BARF BARF.
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Ummmm… It could be my screen or my mind’s complete unwillingness to recognize another man’s nutjuice, but I’m missing it. Don’t get me wrong, there’s plenty here that should send just about any woman running.
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shopping a zoom in for you as i type.
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http://datewrecks.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/11/6227758336848339663-copy.jpg
augh.
i can’t believe i just did that edit to this picture while i’m at work. sorry, job.
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I take it they don’t monitor your web activity that strictly at work? Either that, or your IT guy is using your work habits to write his own blog.
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I OWN THIS JOINT!
Haha… No, really. I kind of do.
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Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
We hate you
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Oh sweet Jesus! I’m a lapsed Christian, but one look at that, and I’m on my knees, shouting “Lord have mercy!” That’s just vile. Rearrange “vile” and you’ve got “evil”. Some Christians think abortion is evil. Vile people like this one make a strong case for keeping abortion legal.
A middle aged, formerly homeless ex-junkie pervert, known to some as that creepy lawnmower man/maintenace guy at the golf course. His profile’s also offensive to the eyes. All caps, bad punctuation/spelling, etc. But the line that really knocks me out: “THE LESS THINKING I DO THE BETTER.”
No fucking kidding. Only a proudly ignorant douchebag could come up with something like this. Amen.
Super Lurve
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He mows *a yard* on the side. Good to know he gets at least $80 a month in the summer.
BTW, nothing turns me on more than watching WWE wrestling while eating a good chef salad. Now, it wouldn’t be the same if I were eating a Caesar or Greek salad.
I didn’t see the splooge shot until you fixed it either, which is the original picture with it? (Thumping self on head, why do I really care?)
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I. will. not. click.
(reading the profile and seeing the pics I did have to see was punishment enough. Ew.
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I stopped reading after he listed Creed as one of this favorite bands.
Super Lurve
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*his
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Who told him he had a nice tan? Not his dermatologist I guess. And what could be nicer than being licked from head to toes by a rare steak that keeps repeating he is for real…
Super Lurve
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How do people like this even figure out how to use the internet?
Super Lurve
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“spooge loogie” made my laugh like a crazy! teeheeheehee.
seriously, though, “FOURPLAY”?
i do love being “fourplay” and being “licked to orgasmssss”…
barf.
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Ok, he might…MIGHT..be 39 in those purple shirt pictures. But the indoor shots? I’m thinking at least a decade more. Anyone else?
Spooge loogie. Say it aloud ten times fast. But not at work.
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Totally at least 50. No way, no WAY is he under 45…no matter how much he suntans.
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Thanks to sheer luck, I look much less than my age.Maybe he is the other way? Because yes, he looks at least 50.
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So … what? If he’s not the average size for a white guy, does that mean his junk looks like a Smurf’s outhouse?
And spooge loogie for the (rather nauseating) win.
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One thing: stay away from him if your life depended on it
I can totally see him as the creepy pedo who hangs around elementary schools for kicks
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His profile reads very similarly to someone I (unfortunately) know, who is a registered sex offender. And there’s no way he’s 39!
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LOL!! I found a great thing by him on another site.
http://passion.com/p/blog.cgi?who=r%2CTh1wLw5NQaP6J3oGwqYuU38N1m1K1aRivx2BKtrc2Qjo25J3rEMZJngbh9Q_taDHlNR8eAlZd0KYQu_8NjCvB23oll0iSI5HfrLSH_pSeLfFbWjs2EI0JdeZGR6UDV8_X0pkgqaE810thRlYGV1maGTa9knzs%2FuI1d7A5V8zqaw-&site=ffadult&dcb=passion&request=Apache2%3A%3ARequestRec%3DSCALAR%280xb7ec96f0%29&phandle=LICKU2ORGASMSSSS&lang=english&action=view_blog&default_site=ffadult&ANON_CONFIRM=TRUE
NOW,I’M A GOOD AND SIMPLE GUY.I’M DEFINITELY NOT PERFECT. I BELIEVE THAT IT’S THE SWEET LITTLE THING’S THAT COUNT AND IT DOES NOT TAKE HAVING LOT’S OF MONEY TO BE HAPPY. I AM THE KIND OF GUY THAT WILL BUY ROSES 4 U 4 NO REASON OR GIVE YOU A SENSUAL BODY,BACK MASSAGE A STUFF ANIMAL WITH I LOVE YOU OR I CARE OR I’LL GET A CARD.I’LL DO LITTLE THING’S THAT SHOW MY ATTENTION AND AFFECTION 4 YOU NOT ONLY THAT BUT.
I WILL CONSISTENTLY EAT YOUR PUSSY.
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I found some comedy gold on another site by him.
NOW,I’M A GOOD AND SIMPLE GUY.I’M DEFINITELY NOT PERFECT. I BELIEVE THAT IT’S THE SWEET LITTLE THING’S THAT COUNT AND IT DOES NOT TAKE HAVING LOT’S OF MONEY TO BE HAPPY. I AM THE KIND OF GUY THAT WILL BUY ROSES 4 U 4 NO REASON OR GIVE YOU A SENSUAL BODY,BACK MASSAGE A STUFF ANIMAL WITH I LOVE YOU OR I CARE OR I’LL GET A CARD.I’LL DO LITTLE THING’S THAT SHOW MY ATTENTION AND AFFECTION 4 YOU NOT ONLY THAT BUT.
I WILL CONSISTENTLY EAT YOUR PUSSY.
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OH MY FUCKING GOD.
I will consistently eat your pussy. Too bad we can’t put THAT on a tshirt!
Super Lurve
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Oh indeed. Indeed. XD
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I’m pretty sure the dude meant “constantly”.
Which is kind of… just as bad.
Stuff Animal? LOL
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OMFG…I had to do a double take!!! First of, why is he shouting at me! “I’LL BUY YOU FLOWERS” sounds like something a wife beater would say. I bet he’d beat me said flowers, I just know it.
Something tells me he has spent time in the slammer. Why, you ask? The fact that he can’t seem to hold down a “real job” and that he “mow lawn on side”. What? Is that some nasty reference to my pubes??
I know I said I won’t start on this, put one post is sooo much easier than two, right? Laziness at work at 8:21am is completely acceptable. I should be working, so you know, trying not to get fired is top priority, right under Jami’s site, of course. I digress, I particularly love this excerpt: “I LIKE TO SHOOT POOL,DARTS,PLAY CARD’S(CRIBBAGE,SPADES,RUMMY)DOMINOES,BOWLING,MOVIES IN OR OUT.I DO NOT DRINK OR DRUG SO I DO NOT GET INTO THE BAR SCENE.”
You like to shoot guns in the pool? Is that how you landed in prison? And what the fuck is Card’s Dominoes. I’ve not heard of that one, something you picked up in prison I presume? Should this read, “MOVIES: IN OR OUT”, is this a clever reference to that gay movie? Are you coming out with out coming out? Kind of like tapping your foot in the stall? “I DO NOT DRINK OR DRUG” that’s good to know roofie man, I was uncertain, but now that I know you won’t drug me and violate my corpse when you are through, I feel much more safe.
Is this said “golf course” that you work at a project at the prison? Is that what they are calling it now-a-days? I’m thinking you got to take these photos on your outing for “work release”. Very glamour shots by Deb I think, and good call on covering your house arrest anklet.
My other guess, I bet you can only be within so many feet of children unsupervised.
And I LOVE, LOVE <–yes now I'm shouting, how inconspicious that last line is. Sir, I need you to not shout that at me, the neighbors can hear, and it's making me blush, or do you want them to hear? Sounds to me like you made a couple of bfs in the slammer and you want the world to KNOW you are into chicks. Sometimes you gotta do some things on the streets and in the slammer to survive. That or your relationship with the gay couple next door went awry when they realized you were a fucking freak, but what do I know.
The scary part? He looks like an average man! That could be your counsellor, your pastor, your unhot pool boy. I bet he carries a pair of binoculars everywhere he goes, and my god, please don't get me started on his awesome grammar from both posts. What's with the incessant, incorrect usuage of apostrophes? I'd rather see a lack of them than an excess. I think one of his daughters helped with the second post, although he's yelling (I've found that people that don't know CRAP about grammar either don't capitalize or capitalize everything). Can you imagine that?? It's like that gray-out hair commercial or whatever it's called. "Daddy, it's time to date, I know you had a rough life and can't spell or function without beating us, so let us write it for you! It'll be fun!!". Nice little father-daughter moment. "Daddy, what does that last line mean?" "I like to eat cats", father gives creepy sex-predator laugh, daughter commences report to PETA.
Yep, I'm a rambler. Been avoiding this site. My my husband for 7 years just left me for his mistress of one year! He was in law school, dropped out to play with corpses, and met his mistress there. I'm OH so excited to be back in the dating scene. Maybe I'll just be like Jami, she is my role-model (no ass kissing, not my style, normally if I give a compliment, it has to be immediately followed by some crass comment or a swift punch to the gut, but I'm here and you are there. haha). I'm a wee-bit angry still. Nothing like taking it out on defenseless-dirty-old men. Score for me!!
We\\\\\\\'re on the fence. And it hurts our no-no zone.
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I think consistently might get a tad annoying.
Super Lurve
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HAHAHAHAHA! No one has given me a stuffed animal in over a decade. Can I hold it while you consistently lick my pussy?
Super Lurve
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Y’all are missing the most important part of this post.
SHE MADE ME LOOK AT IT. MORE THAN ONCE.
Muh brane. It hurts
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I am so so sorry that you had to look twice. Your valiant sacrifice will be memorialized on the side of eye bleach containers everywhere.
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I have put much thought into it, and I still cannot figure out what the HELL people mean when they say they are “for real”. I’m “for real” in that I have a skeletal structure and a soft fleshy outer coating. I am not a floating spirit or made of pure thought or energy. I’m about as “for real” as they come. If they’re saying they don’t do ANYTHING with ulterior motives or less than the purest intentions, I call bullshit. None of us do things without some form of selfishness deep inside.
Oh, and if this guy is “for real” I’ll take one “for fake” man, please.
Super Lurve
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Oh.mah.gawd. Get me some freaking eye bleach please!!!
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Oh, uh….so I’m supposed to be impressed? Yeah, I guess he could be happy with little material things as long as he has his log to play with…..some of those photos are quite beastly….i mean…at least he could have saved the surprise for one lucky lady..if you call that lucky…
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I wonder how he is able to use OkCupid. The all caps is kind of a dead giveaway that he’s not computer literate.
Super Lurve
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I’ve decided that he went to the Hickory Farms store at a local outlet mall and bought a really large summer sausage.
Super Lurve
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Nooo! I’m from Raleigh too! At least he probably has the accent in real life that he does in my head when I read this. This makes me sad knowing that the Raleigh area got named as the smartest place in the US for 2009.
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The one thing I’ve just learned from this post is that you’re pretty good with Photoshop. The rest I’ve already buried deep in the back of my mind from where it will keep surfacing in the form of bad behavioral patterns.
Super Lurve
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JESUS HAPLOID CHRISTMAS! 99.9% OF THE TIME, IT IS NOT APPROPRIATE TO FLASH YOUR NUDE BOD AROUND ON THE INTERNET IF YOU WANT TO ATTRACT HETEROSEXUAL WOMEN.
(And yes, I was being SHOUTY for emphasis, not because I’m a dumb-ass who can’t find my Caps Lock key. I think my brain broke after seeing the Luxurious Pubes Geezer entry.
Two clueless olde phartes who know how to do sit-ups in close proximity and I just popped a mental cog somewhere.
Sorry.)
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Oh jeez, that guy’s from my hometown. I might have SEEN him before in real life.
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the thing that makes stuff like this a lot worse is that he’s actually not a bad looking guy. if he would keep his damn clothes on and not be a totally nasty, funkass gross old lecherous weirdo, and present himself like he had some class, he would probably get a ton of dates.
he clearly wants someone in his life because he talks about being single. duder, if you’re reading this, just get rid of the nutbutter pics and put some damn clothes on! you’ll have a lot more luck if the first thing people hear from you is “i’m awesome at eating pussy!”
just let the girl be pleasantly surprised, for god’s sake.
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His okcupid has been updated…they are looking for takers!!
“HONEST AND UPFRONT GUY HERE.
HEY,LADIE’S I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND NOW HER AND I MET LAST MARCH 09 ON ADULTFRIENDFINDER IF YOU NEVER HEARD OF IT THEN,JUST SO YOU KNOW IT’S A ADULT SITE MAJORITY OF PEOPLE UP THERE ARE ONLY INTERESTED IN NSA RELATIONSHIP’S.HONESTLY,I MET ALOT OF GREAT LADIE’S ON THERE HELL,I MET MY GREAT GIRLFRIEND ON THERE.
LADIE’S, ME AND MY GIRLFRIEND ARE STILL UP THERE AS A COUPLE wewillswirlu CHECK US OUT.LADIE’S, MY GIRLFRIEND IS COOL,OPEN MINDED,ADVENTROUES,DOWN TO EARTH LIKE ME.
WE HAVE HAD A FEW FFM 3 SUM’S.MY GIRLFRIEND WOULD LIKE TO FIND A STEADY WOMEN FOR US. “
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OMG!
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I don’t live in Raleigh, but I work there.
I think it’s time to find a new job.
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If he likes Rush, he can’t be half bad!
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Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
We hate you
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To quote the crazy, “If you don’t like what you see move the f*$# on and ignore it. “
Super Lurve
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My only question for you is, if your boyfriend is so great and wonderful, what caused you concern enough to need to google his username?
What were you looking for? And did you find it?
Super Lurve
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Since it pops up more often than not when people find someone they know here, could we simplify the “You don’t know me/know him/know her” defense to “The Jerry Springer Defense”?
Super Lurve
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I like this. A lot.
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I guess it’s Nicole’s first day on the internet.
Also, how do you not know a picture of your stomach with *jizz* is on a profile that you made and for which you chose the pictures?
Super Lurve
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nicole, I just want to say: thank you.
“His oral skills are a whole other story one word AMAZING!”
That’s not really a very good story, dear. Not much of a narrative, what?
“You guys must have a lot of free time on your hand to go through and critize random people.”
I can’t speak for anyone else, but I do have a lot of very important things to do right now and have no time for snarking on the intertubes. But I procrastinate anyway.
“Grant it the jisz photo was just uncalled for I talked to him about it and he apparently didn’t realize it was there just so you know.”
The photo? Or the jism?
“you people act like he is not a real person which as you all so “kindly” pointed out he stated he is”
I assumed he was a lying figment of Jami’s fucked-up imagination. To be fair, that’s an honest mistake.
As a final, serious point: I would much rather be mocked by a total stranger for perceived flaws in my dating profile than be mocked by someone I know for my behavior in real life. But that’s just me.
Super Lurve
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“You people sit and judge and comment on strangers.”
I suppose the paragraph above that little gem was written by someone else.
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I find nothing at all irritating about what you write… Oh no, wait… It’s JAMI not JAMIE! Damnit! And you’re so smart otherwise…
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Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
We hate you
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Did you shit? And giggle?
Super Lurve
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“Let’s take a second and think about something think about your last let’s say 3 dates, boyfriends, whatever I bet at least one if not all of them have found someone and where are you STILL ALONE. Huh things that make you go hmmmmm. ”
—
Probably those pesky personal standards these people require in a potential partner. Sure glad you don’t share their problems! A word to the wise however-there are only 2 of the letter ‘s’ in the word “ORGASMS” but one letter “s” in “SNAKE”. Jus’ sayin’.
Kthxbai,
A. Oakley
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Oh, Come on Annie, he’s got a JOB!
I’m holding out for a guy who isn’t in jail (anymore), who doesn’t currently have syphilis, or pubic lice, who doesn’t have to worry about driving because he got that DUI and his car was repossessed (more money for me!!!!)
I mean meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.
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Well, we can’t all get a guy a nice as Carl Spackler. ITS IN THE HOLE!
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Oh, man. I hate when I accidentally post jizz shots on my dating profile without realizing it. Happens ALL the TIME. You know, when you have the pictures of the jizz on your computer, sometimes they just upload themselves. Don’t mock me.
Super Lurve
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I hate when my camera accidentally goes off after I’ve jizzed on myself. It’s like Allen Funt has possessed my camera. What a trickster!
Super Lurve
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I just ate dinner and now I wish I wouldn’t have. I think I may very well vomit.
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