Jhirmack Bounce Back Beautiful Hair
OkStupid, Worst Wrecks — By Jami on November 12, 2009 at 7:10 pm
Alright… I teased you with this one…I promise you. It delivers.
Happy Friday The Thirteenth, y’all. This is SCARY.
Emily found this one for me and hole-ee-chit, you guys. I’m not kidding. We laughed SO hard that night. Maybe it was because it was really late… I don’t know what it was really, but I haven’t laughed this hard a personal ad in a LONG, LLLLONG time.
Brace yourselves. I call him BIF.
Parcaretaker
57 / M / straight / Single
Mount Pleasant, South Carolina
I am bewitched, bothered, and bewildered.
My Self-Summary
I’m a staunch advocate of health care reform. “For-Profit” insurance corporations are the reason the US is ranked 37th in the world for overall health-care quality. If a self-employed person chooses to buy health insurance, it will be his/her chief expense from age 45 on…..if not, bankruptcy will surely result from an accident or illness requiring hospitalization.But in fantasy:
I can’t imagine ever actually meeting someone through a “social networking site”, so none of this information matters.What I’m doing with my life
I’m championing animal rights and environmental conservation by signing as many petitions as I can via the web and contributing to NRDC and Defenders of Wildlife.
Our economic model must be based on sustainability instead of growth. America’s version of capitalism is nothing more than corporate welfare. The mortgage derivative fiasco of ‘08 is testament to the corruption/greed of our unregulated investment/banking system. Sadly, the life of Bernie Madoff symbolizes the new “american dream”.But in fantasy:
I’m just passively watching the world commit over-population suicide.I’m really good at
Meeting my obligations/paying my debts.
Attending to the needs of my dog & cat.
Listening to other peoples’ perspective…
Motorcycle safety.
Appreciating / enjoying thunderstorms
Massages….But in fantasy:
People are only good at being delusional.The first things people usually notice about me
I’m politically outspoken. [eg: there should be a strict law banning the use of cell phones while driving.]
Animal abuse usually precedes criminal violence toward people -offenders should serve lengthy prison time….like this Youngman asshole that tried to hammer & slice a dog after hitting it with his truck in McClellanville the other week.B i f:
As long as I’m not damaging someone/something, who cares what they notice?My favorite books, movies, music, and food
Books? Anything by John Gardner, Kurt Vonnegut, Cormac McCarthy, David Wroblewski, Matthew Scully, or Anthony Burgess.. Movies? Last Tango in Paris, Triplets of Bellville, Syriana… Music? Anything by Aaron Copeland, JS Bach, any jazz by Bill Evans, Jan Garbarek, Sylvain Luc, John McGlaughlin, Acoustic Alchemy, Pat Metheny…..Food? Anything without factory-farmed meat.B i f:
Most people are too stupid to filter market-driven media.The six things I could never do without
A dog, cat, wilderness, great book, music, & photography…..B i f:
I could probably do without any of those.I spend a lot of time thinking about
How money = freedom in the United States.How anyone can think having a tatoo looks cool.
How limited our senses are compared with most multi-cell animals.
B i f:
Why women are usually smarter than men.On a typical Friday night I am
Working.B i f:
It’s something I actually studied & enjoy doing.The most private thing I’m willing to admit here
I’m a calf worshiper (as in women’s legs)…not the one from the old testament made of melted gold trinkets….or maybe {dread the hackneyed cliche’} I’m a lesbian trapped in a man’s body.B i f:
A relatively harmless hang-up.You should message me if
You don’t get your world perspective from doctor-shopping drug addicts like Rush Limbaugh or other hate-radio morons.
…Or if you’re in a relationship/caretaker role with a disabled partner and would like to just talk about it.
….Or if you’d choose to read a book instead of playing some stupid game or yakking on your “me”phone.
…Or if you’d just like to talk about something that’s important to you (except tatoos).
…Or if you regard Fox News/Glenn Beck as misinformational republican’t propoganda.B i f:
I’m always interested in womens’ questions.
Now, I was talking to Emily and Krims on IM and the first thing Krims said to me (that I can remember, mind you, I was in hysterics) was, “What the hell is bif?” And neither Emily nor myself can get over the sheer luxury that is his pubic hair. I have NEVER in my life seen such well defined curls!
Surely, there’s product in his pubes. Mustache wax, likely, right?
And how in the WORLD are you going to start your personal ad with a bunch of serious shit about health care? DUDE. YOU ARE NAKED AND CUPPING YOUR DICK AND BALLS IN YOUR HANDS!
Nobody is going to listen to what you’ve got to say about health care!
Can you just see it?
“Right, so did you see Jon Stewart the other ni– what? Wait… you mean my pubic hair? What’s the big deal? It’s really voluminous and soft. Really. Go on — touch it. It’s okay. I promise not to get an erection.”
RE: Bif: Why women are usually smarter than men — I think it’s because we must be retaining more of our body heat, thus further powering energy to our brains because WE’RE WEARING MORE CLOTHES THAN YOU.
He totally took these by a very open window. Mercy. Do you see the water droplets on the last one? God, please say it’s from the heat from the sun coming in his window.
I bet it’s really from him flexing. Sad torso looks SAD in that last one, too, doesn’t it?
I just can’t believe these are the pictures he chose. BAFFLING. And he’s not seeking casual sex! He’s seeking activity partners and new friends.
“Hi, new friend! My name is Bif! Check out these awesome pubes!”
[new friend runs away]
There’s just so much here that I feel like needs to be said and in the same breath, I feel like I just should sit back and fold my hands in my lap and marvel at his pubes.
From The Vault
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49 Comments
“Things I can’t live without:”
… he forgot to mention a RAZOR. Dude, trim that shit up, you’re grossing me out.
Super Lurve
7 
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Ewww yeah.. :barfs:
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Oh my gawd…I saw it before you even wrote about it and I’m still horrified! WHY?!?! WHHHHHHHY would ANY man do this?
That’s it, where’s the nearest Nunnery?
Super Lurve
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I don’t think I’ve ever been more grateful to listen to talk radio
Super Lurve
9 
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Through and through, I may have vommed in my mouth. In fact, I did. I swallowed it, so that’s okay.
BIF: you killed yourself.
Super Lurve
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Jami, I’m holding you personally responsible for the surprise mooning.
Super Lurve
6 
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Wait just a dadgum minute!
Emily sent this one in!!
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I actually gasped and recoiled. I can neither confirm nor deny that my hand fluttered to my chest as I felt a touch of the vapors.
Super Lurve
9 
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No worries, I did the same thing. This guy is rather horrifying.
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OMG THIS GUY IS FROM WHERE I AM.
Blech. BLEEEEEEEEECH.
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Okay. So. Dude has some creep-tastic photos, and seems SUPER condescending, BUUUUT…his taste in authors just made me cream myself. Just sayin’.
Super Lurve
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I am straight, single, and looking for meaningful conversation.
B i f: Look at these melons. You could balance a plate of crullers and two cups of coffee on this shelf, and still play Flight of the Bumblebee on my rusty trombone.
Super Lurve
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I just like how he clearly thinks he’s showing admirable restraint by not including a cock shot.
Super Lurve
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I mean, judging from what he’s cupping, I’m not sure we’d be all that impressed.
Super Lurve
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Great. I had a bad day, I come looking for some funny, and I see moobs and ass. I’m going to bed.
Super Lurve
14 
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oh. dear. sweet. FREAKING. baby. jeebus.
this is about the most horrifying thing i have ever seen in my life.
wow.
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5 
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“I’m really good at … motorcycle safety.”
Why do I get the feeling that a protip from this guy would be, “Grab onto my pubes, like they are reins.”
VRRROOOOOOOMMMMM
Super Lurve
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This comment sent me into absolute hysterics. Just so you know.
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Me too! Like a dummy, I checked it at a red light and choked and could barely see I was coughing so hard.
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You checked it at a red light?! As in, using your “me”phone while DRIVING?! Now B i f isn’t going to want you! For shame!
Super Lurve
10 
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Thats funny rofl
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I snorted my Coke through my nose on that comment. Thanks for the lulz
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Is this really the forum to be discussing your drug habits?
Super Lurve
11 
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In the South everyone knows that Coke with a capital “C” means Coca Cola.
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He may be in good shape for his age, but demonstrates typical dating site male dorkitude by showing himself in the nude. It just screams “I am COMPLETELY out of touch with what a woman really wants most in a relationship; I mean, *I* want a gal with a hard body, so surely women find that most important, too!”
I mean, jeez, we don’t want total schlubs, but we generally do not get as impressed over weightlifting as this geezer seems to think we do.
I bet he’d get some responses from women if he put his damn clothes on.
I am also frightened to think that he may have grandkids out there. Somewhere. They would be scarred for life if they stumbled across these pictures.
Super Lurve
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I’ve never been more pleased with my decision to get a tattoo.
Super Lurve
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Oh, he’s fine with tattoos. It’s tatoos he won’t abide by. That would be the tattoo’s younger, sluttier sister.
Super Lurve
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If you can completely obscure all of your junk in one smallish palm…
He’s intelligent and he reads. But he’s so damn irritable. I’ve seen various forms of Mr. Grumpy all over the dating sites.
Super Lurve
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Hollllyyyy molllyyy, okay, totally guessed that he was a Kurt Vonnegut fan… I can hear the thought police now.
But seriously, who let him out of the institution!? Thanks for ruining my appetite and making me blind
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That’s what I do.
Yer welcome!
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3 
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If you left out the pictures, that would be a fairly normal profile.. but omg the pictures. He basically doesn’t talk about sex or anything like that in the text, so wtf is up with those PICTURES?
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I’m just pretending none of the rest exists and am focusing on the fact that he not only enjoys thunderstorms, but he also *appreciates* them! Oh, the many layers of subtle nuance! *swoons*
I’m not even really sure what he thinks he’s doing with that ‘But in fantasy’ crap, and I don’t want to think about him any longer. Except, I’ll just add….
Imagine if he’d taken these pics in the kitchen, a la Yesterday’s Grampa. Touch the stove, cup yer junk, aw yeah, that’s good datin’ profile material.
Super Lurve
9 
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Earth to Parcaretaker: the attraction of women to expanses of hairy flesh is vastly overrated.
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Hell with his pubes… what the hell is wrong with his CHEST?!?!? He has very strange pecs.
And any one who says “I’m a lesbian trapped in a man’s body” and isn’t trans needs a boot to the bits.
Super Lurve
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Who took the pictures? Sadness for them.
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Huh, this guy loves “Last Tango in Paris”? SHOCKER. I guess butter explains those gorgeous curls.
Excuse me, I’m gonna go yak on my “me” phone about the importance of signing online petitions.
Super Lurve
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Is that a third nipple I see on his abs in the first photo? Or is it just a really gnarly mole?
I dunno man, it looks like it has an areola to me.
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No you’re absolutely right. He’s got a third nipple and fourth too because nipples come in pairs usually. So genetic freak here.
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What is the bent over picture for ? I cant figure out what he is trying to convey to us.
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bif, he is a bottom trapped in a lesbian trapped in a man’s body.
Super Lurve
8 
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WOW. Just got to this one, and I haven’t even gotten through it yet. I seriously got as far as the first paragraph.
I’m seeing a petitioner jumping out at me when I’m leaving the grocery store.
“Hey. Here’s my pubes, let’s talk about health care reform”.
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AND, may I add, I have enjoyed looking at a total of ONE man’s ass in my whole 30 years. His and his only is adorable, and an exception to the rule. ANYONE else, if you leave me with or PURPOSELY subject me to a viewing of your ass for any length of time…and THAT is a deal breaker. Send me a picture…and I’m going to draw a little moustache and some googley eyes on it.
Super Lurve
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I like how one of his interests is “mototcycle saftey”. Motorcycle safety and semi-nude photography.
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i just want to point out that you actually stared at this old bastard’s junk long enough to notice the water droplets.
VOM
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Job hazard. Seriously, I have become so desensitized to naked dudes and cock shots. Do you guys realize the sacrifices I have made for you?!?!
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i realize these sacrifices. <3
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Just in case anyone was wondering. In the first few posts, he writes “But in fantasy:”. So I assume (I do love to assume) that is what “Bif” is supposed to be short for. But truthfully my brain still wants to say “But in fact:” which makes a little more sense to some of the posts. Other than that, I find this an extremely disturbed person.
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*skeeves* And people wonder why I prefer women.
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