Now Hiring

You know your life is in the shitter when, in order to find a potential long-term lovah, you’ve got to stoop to HIRING someone to be a part of your life.

This is unbelievable. Before we get to the ad, go ahead and start playing the youtube video below. It’ll be your soundtrack to the wreckage… Until you get to his audio introduction! Nice. Picture him, towel wrapped around his waist, singing into his hairbrush.

It’s so awful that it’s kind of BEAUTIFUL.

▒▓ Seeking Female Companion (live-in, Personal Assistant) (Fruit Cove, FL – South of Jacksonville)

PLEASE DO NOT FLAG THIS AD. Thank you for your kindness and understanding.

Any Love – (Luther Vandross)

I speak to myself sometimes, and I say, “Oh my
In a lot of ways, you’re a lucky guy
Now all you need is a chance to try
Any love”

In my heart there’s a need to shout
Dyin’, screamin’, cryin’ let me out
Are all those feelings that want to touch
Any love?

What a world for the lonely guy
Sometimes I feel I’m gonna lose my mind
Can anybody tell me just where to find
Any love, any love?

Everyone needs a love no doubt
Any love, Any love
Everybody feels alone without
Any love, any love
I know there’s a love waiting
To enter my life, enter my life

Every day as I live
I try to think positive
I pray for someone good to come
Any love

Love is sweet and so divine
And I can’t wait for my love life to shine
Can anybody tell me where I can find
Any love, any love?

I know there’s someone waiting for me
To enter my life, Come into my life

Suddenly,out of the clear blue sky
Lonely tears start to fill my eyes
I can weep, but I refuse to cry
I’ve got to keep holding on
I got to keep very strong
To keep holding on

And I know I know I know I know she’ll come into my life
Come into my life
*******************************

Audio Introduction: jetboatpilot.tripod.com/intro.wav

(please cut and paste URL address above into a new browser window)

Fruit Cove is located South of Jacksonville, Florida
in Northwestern St. Johns County,
just south of the Mandarin-Julington Creek area,
on State Road 13 (San Jose Blvd).

My reason and motive:
“a life led by two people together, is a life much easier, more fulfilling and i need your help running this home.”
****************************************

Hi, my name is Daniel.

I am single, 5′9″, 170 lbs., I have no children. I work as an investor, from home,
and I am willing to extend the umbrella of financial security to someone special.

I own a large rural property in Fruit Cove, Florida
3/2, 1800 square ft., single family home situated on 1.5 acres of a tropical bamboo forest (pictured).

You will get your own bathroom, bedroom and parking space.

Yes, this is about a committed relationship.
Why? Because I choose to dedicate my time and effort in this fashion
towards finding someone that really needs me, who I also have compatibility with.
I believe in a place called hope.

Life for me is meant to be thoughtful
of others, especially someone I am living with.
I strive to constantly extend myself in that fashion,
even more specifically towards someone I really care about.
I don’t intend to charge you rent here and based on your particular situation,
any expenses on your part would become negotiable between us.

I placed this ad in an effort to find a compatible female partner.
I’m serious, honest and I maintain the very best of intentions.
I ask that you please be sincere and genuine about your inquiry.

My interests and qualities include:

*movies
*intimate time spent holding hands
*a genuine interest in your life path and your particular needs
*faithful and commital
*forthright (I follow through)
*the arts, sciences and thought provoking pursuits
*water sports and personal watercraft
* weightlifting
*one-on-one snuggle time
*liberal
*conversational
* 3-dimentional in thought and overall approach to life

I have a definite preference for someone who is gentle, feminine and nurturing,
rather than aggressive and austere.
You should be open minded and willing to extend a modicum of trust.
* Please, I am not suited for someone who is a religious conservative.

You will receive a timely response back from me – so, i have some prerequisites:

~ you are nothing less than serious about my written proposal.

~ you are thoughtful and spiritual enough to realize that the web affords us this unique opportunity to connect.

~ you are mature and good-natured enough to realize
that this is a completely reasonable proposal for a committed domestic partnership
and that there is no hidden “catch” nor is it “too good to be true”.
For those with a work ethic, this is an ideal arrangement.

What i am seeking in someone is as follows:

* Personal Assistant skills.
* trustworthy, able and willing to assist me in investment record keeping and filing.
* care, maintenance and upkeep of a large rural property, with shared chores such as:
- raking, bagging and collection of pine straw, leaves and other fallout material from the tree canopy.
- meal prep, cleaning, laundry, plus other related domestic chores we will perform together as a couple.
* there is ample room for a garden, for someone who would enjoy this pursuit.
* a life led by two people together, is a life much easier, more fulfilling and i need your help running this home.
* there is no mortgage on this property, i own it.
* i have no debt of any kind and therefore i am able to offer you financial security (modest support).
* i am open to the concept of marriage after a reasonable period of time has passed.
~ so, this is a *positive sum result* for both of us -
and i believe i have been very articulate about what i am seeking.

~ please, only contact me if you have the ability and intention of actually meeting me.
~ please email me a photograph and/or take it with a camera phone and then send it to me.
~ provide me with some comprehensive details about yourself and your current situation.
~ please be as thorough and concise in your response as you can be.
~ this will save us both a lot of back and forth (wasted) email time.

This is absolutely authentic.
I’d like to help someone out who really has a need
and make their life easier simply because I can.
Completely legitimate, nothing odd whatsoever.
I hope to find a quality girl to help,
as this is a safe place to take a deep breath and start over.
You should have ambitions, goals and the motivation to make your life goals a reality.

– a day here is probably a lot slower, laid-back and less dramatic than what you may be accustomed to.
- i am blessed to be afforded a life that is free of major worry and concern.
- i want to share this good fortune, bliss and solace with someone who is *intelligent*,
attractive, unique and deserving, not someone running away from their problems.
* I am seeking someone who is youthful, (21-45), petite to medium build, height and weight proportionate and reasonably physically fit for this partnership.
- an ideal situation for me is someone *liberal*, affectionate and attentive
that wants to work part-time, primarily focus on a relationship and making this home her own.
- i can afford to fill in the gaps financially and assist you in order to make this work well.
- i am only interested in someone unencumbered (no attachments please).
- yes, i am selective just like you are and yes, i do care very much about our success at this.
- i also know that you have to start somewhere in order to achieve that success.
- a simple visit here for a matter of days would answer many, if not all of your questions
and it would be well worth your minor investment.
- having a car and the financial ability to fuel it will really help.

Note: craigslist limits the size of attachments that pass through their servers.

craigslist has previously experienced periodic difficulties associated with the sending and receiving of email, to and from craigslist’s “bounce” servers, with many large email providers. Messages are delayed, blocked and/or lost. If you want to be assured i receive your message, you will need to email me directly at the alternate address i have provided for you below.

Alternate email contact: j e t b o a t p i l o t ‘at’ gmail.com

…. Can you believe that??

So, ladies, don’t waste time. Daniel is waiting to intimately hold hands with you. (What does that even mean?!) I’m not sure my hands would be in intimate condition after raking, bagging and collecting pine straw, leaves and other fallout material, Danny boy. And “Personal Assistant Skills” PROBABLY means you have to have sex with him, but I may be jumping to conclusions. It may just be really fucking intimate hand holding. Erotic!

It sounded like he’s got a lot of experience seeking this potential partner, so I did a little google-fu on his email address and came up with the same ad (minus the Luther song, for shame!) in Ocala, Florida, Daytona, Florida, Raleigh, North Carolina, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, Miami, Florida, and Orlando, Florida as well as a Facebook Page and one listing which puts him on this hunt as far back as APRIL and then something from MARCH! There were more including Nashville, Memphis and many others but the listings have expired or he’s deleted them or I got really fucking tired of cutting and pasting his shit from google into this blog post. Rest assured, there are PAGES and PAGES of this shit.

He is even posting some ads seeking a roommate… I guess if you’re just his roommate, the intimate hand holding that he will be participating in will be solo…?

There’s an idea –> intimate hand holding = masturbation. Would that mean that his dick has fingers?

The Google Map view of the area he describes hardly seems rural… But I’m sure it’s fine, girls. You can, you know, go visit him without fear of him being a serial killer. It should be FINE. I’m sure.

*ahem* Did you read the lyrics of that Luther song?! “I speak to myself sometimes, and I say, ‘Oh my in a lot of ways, you’re a lucky guy. Now all you need is a chance to try’…”

Love is sweet and so divine
And I can’t wait for my love life to shine
Can anybody tell me where I can find
Any love, any love?

Apparently, Craigslist.

From The Vault

• Life Lessons, by Single Steve
• Results are in!
• Failure to launch…