Date Wrecks:

If you don’t remember or are just joining us, last week I had something of a contest. Instead of posting the usual back and forth commentary between PC and myself, I posted only the profile and asked you guys to flex your snark muscles.The commenter with the most ‘thumbs up’ ratings would land a guest spot on this week’s He Said — She Said.

It was really kind of beautiful and you guys brought your big guns. I really thought that Paige had it, then Tony V. came up and squeezed by her, but Miki came through for the win!

Huzzah! Seriously, if you haven’t a chance to go read the post, do it. It’s amazing. I have the smartest and snarkiest readership on the interwebz, I’m certain.

So, ladies and dude-things, meet Miki:

I’m 27, single, gay, and way too traumatized by online dating to actually find my own wrecks to make fun of. As such, I live vicariously through the trauma of Jami and other Date Wrecks submitters. I’m going to school to be a pharmacist, because I always wanted to be a drug dealer but I look silly packing heat. I paint and write and drink entirely too much caffeine. My life’s ambition is to be a successful (see: doesn’t need a side-job/has a cupboard full of foods that don’t contain the word Ramen or the suffix -O’s) writer, but I think the drug dealing thing has a lot more promise.

Miki initially asked to have a threesome with me and PC, but come now… We can’t spoil you! So she settled for writing with me. I think the results are smashing.

Here’s your HSSS Wreck for the week, guys. Enjoy!

Jami: The backstory — he’s been stalking me for DAYS and I just can’t get visions of his hairy chest out of my mind. BARF.

The Writer Sits Down To His Meal Of Words...

Miki: And Hot Pockets. And Mountain Dew. And is that a Hello Kitty candle hiding precariously behind his monitor? Anyway, he got the caption for this photo all wrong. It should say, “Have you talked to your children about the dangers of internet predators?”

Jami: I spy floppy discs. And a bitchin’ student desk from Sam’s Club. And what looks like a webcam on a string…? Wonder where that thing has been.

Miki: Don’t forget about the ‘Normal people worry me’ pen cup. Just in case we were wondering if this guy was creepy.

Showing off the new 'tar at Grandma's!

Miki: Dude, horizontal stripes totally make you look fat.

Jami: Sitting on couches that have blankets on the seats makes you look incontinent.

Jami: “Now turn your head a little and stick your hand under your chin. Granny wants to see your purty smile!” Is that a Chevrolet symbol inside the guitar? I didn’t realize that Chevrolet made quality musical instruments (or cars).

Waiting...

Miki: Waiting for what? The third-grade classroom photographer to take your picture? Seriously. Who told you it was okay to pose like that?

Miki: Seriously. If you don’t soak them right away it’s impossible to get Mountain Dew Code Red and dried splooge out of bedding.

sexy? you decide (lol)

Miki: I think God decided bro, and I think the answer is no.

Jami: I’m really happy that he left it up to us to decide. It’s a resounding NO on my end as well. Does “(lol)” in parenthesis like that mean that you are cupping your hands over your mouth while you giggle…?

Jami: “Yea, this is me in my gym… Pumping iron and stuff. You know, just working the obliques and traps and stuff man. If you can’t tell, ladies… That’s a whopping sixty pounds on that barbell. You don’t get a wide and flat chest like this from lifting girly stuff — only manly stuff for me. Like flannel shirts… And my magnetic alphabet.”

Miki: The placement of the weight bench all of six inches from the refrigerator gives us all a stunning insight into how he achieved that stunning physique.

silverdreamer7

36 / M / straight / Single

Durham, North Carolina

I am World, of, and Warcraft.

Miki: I am gayer, by, and the second.

Jami: I can’t top that. I really can’t. Bravo.

My Self-Summary

(see bottom for cuteness and humor, if that’s your main motor)

Miki: Do you have a link someone elses profile down there? Someone who has seen a human female boob that wasn’t made of pixels?

Jami: I think he’s asking us to check out his ass. Asses get my motor running, for sure. Totally. Uhm…

“Skalded”

I have skalded myself.
Come see what’s writ upon.
Come see what’s writ in me
And know what there is to be
The skald that is me.

Jami: I think it’s neat that he’s using his burning accident as a catalyst for creative expression. I’d like to see what kinds of writing seems to be appearing in his scalding burns. It’d be way cooler if it was the Virgin Mary though.

I will skald you when you look at me.
Come and see what you could be.
Come see what’s writ in blood and tears
And know what are my fears,
The skald that is me.

Jami: Everybody! Join in! This is the refrain! [doing tra-la-la conductor fingers]

I have skalded myself.
Come see what’s writ behind.
Come see what’s writ so large
And know my charge,
The skald that is me.

I will skald you with my fingers.
Come and see what’s writ with them.
Come and see how they flow
And know what I know,
The skald that is me.

I have skalded myself.
Come see what’s writ by tested love.
Come see what’s writ by hate
And know your fate,
The skald that is me.

I will skald you with my lips.
Come and see what’s writ with them.
Come and see what’s writ by the spoken word
And come and see and love what’s heard,
The skald that is me.

Jami: I think we can call scalding with your lips hot bref — and no, that ain’t sexy.

I have skalded myself.
Come see what’s writ upon,
By the baking of the sun
And the love that’s writ upon,
The skalding of the one
That’s surely writ upon,
The skald that is me.

Miki: See, this poem only seems like useless masturbatory word vomit if you don’t know the meaning of the word “Skald.” Coming from the language of the archaic and long-extinct elf tribes of Endor, Skald is a verb meaning to infect with herpes dusted in Pizza Roll crumbs.

Jami: See, I am WAY too cool to understand all of that stuff, man. <hairtoss> All this time, I thought he was just a sing-songy poor speller. Dang. I’m hungry for Pizza Rolls now. Dammit bitch.

Miki: Pizza Rolls do sound good. This poem is equally effective if we use the lesser known definition of ‘Skald’ which is ‘To make a mockery of’

And my contact info is:
aim: silver7dreamer7 or nakedconfidence, whichever
yahoo: j_thomas_lance
msn: j_thomas_lance@hotmail.com

Miki: I’m so glad you’re confident naked, but not nearly as glad as I am that you’ll never leave the skungy dungeon that is your mee-maw’s basement.

Jami: I can ONLY imagine the pictures that once graced his OkStupid profile… Big, wide-chested hairy version of his confident and naked self.

I can also be found on the Plains of Azeroth…well, actually more like the mountains around Ironforge and the foothills near Loch Mordan…or Stormwind or Elwynn Forest or Westfall. Feel free to pst Polaar. I’m a dwarf! Lol.

Miki: I have no idea what you just said, but I’ve touched real human breasts that weren’t attached to own chest and no even maced me or blew their pesky rape whistle.  The point is, I win. You can find me in the plains of your old bedroom plowing your mom.

Jami: Now, correct me if I’m wrong — I’ve NEVER played a game like this in my life… Why would a dude choose for his character in a game to be dwarf? Actually… I just realized how stupid that question is… Why would a human being choose ANY MYTHICAL CREATURE and then TALK ABOUT IT ON THEIR PERSONAL AD? If you’re looking for a gamer lover, I think you’d have better luck pinching fairy (or faerie?) asses virtually, man.

Miki: Dwarf seeks unicorn for LTR. Must have wireless internet connection and must be a girl unicorn.

What I’m doing with my life

Seeking myself
And seeking you
Seeking love
Is what I do.

Miki: Jami!!!! This guy is seeking me!!! Make him stop! I need an adult! I need an adult!

Jami: Oh calm down, it’ll be fine. He’s splitting his time between seeking you, seeking himself and seeking love… You’ve only got a 33.33% chance of him stalking you.

Miki: The seeking himself should be fairly simple, but I think that quest to seek out love might keep him distracted while I look up the number for Burgallero Alarm.

Walking the rails
And talking truth
Wanting the scales
Is the truth.

Miki: See how he rhymed ‘truth’ with ‘truth’ there? Writing genius that hasn’t been matched since the epic Avril Lavigne ode entitled “Skaterboi”

Jami: Ha! So he’s…like…Â walking on railroad tracks and being honest about it… And seeking out bathroom scales? Legal scales? Lizard scales? Because THAT is the truth? Or is the wanting the truth?

Miki: I like to think of the last line more in ebonics terms. He’s saying I’s the truth. Like I is the truth. Like when you raised on the streets verb tense don’t mean nuttin to ya. Holla!

Writing lives and writing love,
Looking for fun things,
Playing WoW…

Miki: If you pronounce the last line, “Playing dubya oh dubya” this becomes a haiku. That’s right ladies. He’s deep AND cultured. Like a giant tub of yogurt.

Jami: Oh My GOD. What a sharp eye! I really do <3 haikus.

I’m really good at

Crafting words which make people think, feel strong emotions, and take hold of them. I can write stories that either piss people off or make them feel all or make them go ‘awwwww.’

Miki: Argh! You can’t even craft a sentence. Who taught you syntax??? Nothing in the blurb above makes a lick of sense. Are the words taking hold of me? Am I taking hold of the words? How does one go about feeling all? All of what? Who dressed you this morning? And who is controlling your legion of imaginary warriors in the shire while you’re writing this doomed OKC ad?

Jami: Maybe he’s talking about crafting with objects to make words… Like… With popsicle sticks… And feathers… OOH! Or using those magnetic letters. Yes… That’s it. I’ll tell you this, I certainly had to stop and think after reading his profile… I just don’t think I was thinking quite what he wanted me to be thinking.

Flexibility and compromise. Weakness is an illusion. The reed survives in bending with the breeze, rather than the oak which cracks in the big wind.

Miki: So… Weakness is an illusion, and yet you yourself just called oak trees weak. Tell you what, you take your reed and I’ll take this here oak tree that I just happen to have lying around and when I say go we’ll start running at each other full-speed. Or rather, I’ll start running. You’ll make it three paces and start wheezing like a 90-year-old who just completed the Boston Marathon while chain-smoking a carton of Newports.

Jami: You.Are.Brilliant. Holy shit. This contest idea was such a good plan. That last paragraph sort of blew my mind. The only thing that would make it better would be the promise that in this jousting tournament, you guys will wear full chain mail and clinky-metal suits. Oh please oh please oh please!?

Miki: I don’t know… Have you ever seen a fat hairy man have to be removed from a suit of armor using the jaws of life and common household cooking grease? That’s an image that won’t soon un-burn itself from your retinas.

Jami: Mmmm… Slippery when wet. Hot.

Making a woman feel loved, because I put my whole self into the relationship, believe in treating her like the queen she is…as long as there is balance.

Miki: Replace ‘loved’ with ‘stalked.’ Good. Now replace ‘the relationship’ with ‘her shrubbery.’ Finally, replace ‘balance’ with ‘no restraining order.’ Voila! Truth in advertising.

Jami: Shrubbery. I love that word.

Being there for good friends, doing what I can.

Miki: Like that time he totally brought enough Cool Ranch Doritios for the entire LAN party and didn’t even ask anyone to pay him back.

Jami: Way to aim high, bud… Doing what you can. You’re SO good at that!

The first things people usually notice about me

That I look like a lovable bear, perhaps a hippy. Other than that, I don’t know…

Miki: I could take a stab at it, but you really don’t want me to.

Jami: Ok, I’ll go. That your glasses are too small for your face… That the ends of your hair are so very fried/broken that I would almost go so far as to suggest you get a bob haircut. That your shirt is unbuttoned.

Miki: That you could dreadlock your chest hair, that you smell (yes, I know I’m on the other side of the country, but you just LOOK like you’d smell), that your dream of using the guitar to impress girls isn’t working out for you…

My favorite books, movies, music, and food

The Stand by Stephen King, The Lord of the Rings by J.R.R. Tolkien, By The Light of the Moon by Dean Koontz, Case Closed by Patricia Cornwell, The Heralds of Valdemar Series by Mercedes Lackey, The Green Mile by Stephen King, Murder on the Orient Express by Agatha Christie, The Saxon Stories Series by Bernard Cornwell…

The Wizard of Oz, Star Wars, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, Sideways, The Lord of the Rings, National Lampoon’s Vacation, Back to the Future, Conan the Barbarian, Red Sonja, JFK, The Outsiders, The Patriot, Practical Magic…

Led Zeppelin, Kiss, The Dixie Chicks, Evanescence, My Chemical Romance, George Jones, Wagner and Bach, Megadeth, Metallica, Motley Crue, Rod Stewart, The Who, Black Sabbath, Ronnie James Dio, Ozzy Osbourne, The Grateful Dead…

Banana pudding, pizza, chocolate soy milk, whole wheat bread, cherries, oranges, pumpkin pie, hamburgers and hot dogs, subs, chicken, salmon, cucumbers, tomatoes…

Miki: I like the ellipses at the end of his favorite foods list. Yeah buddy, we saw your picture. We are fully aware that the list goes on and on.

Jami: I was pleased and comforted to see The Lord Of The Rings listed in both the movies and books categories. I’m actually really surprised that Nickelback and fried chicken didn’t make the list…

Miki: I must now quote Rifftrax (it’s MST3K but with new movies)

“You know it’s not a bad superhero movie until someone plays a Nickelback song.”
“This isn’t Nickelback.”
“What do you mean?”
“This is Coldplay. They’re an entirely different band.”
“Wait. Nickelback is a band?”
“Yeah, what did you think they were?”
“I just thought it was a term for really bad whiny rock music.”

The six things I could never do without

1. Love

2. Books.

3. Writing.

4. Intimacy.

5. Intelligence.

6. Friends.

Miki: I can tell you’ve been doing without number five for quite some time, and I would bet my good kidney that number four is more a far-fetched goal than a necessity for you.

Jami: I’d say we can probably take one of those highlighters off his student desk and mark four, five and six as “maybes”.

Miki: And one. And three if we’re having any standards about what constitutes writing.

I spend a lot of time thinking about

Lately, my dark fantasy novel, The Winter Vales, and how happy I am I’ve trucked with it so long, since ‘06. Hope it gets published one day. 21 complete chapters, just over 200 thousand words, almost two complete acts. What does it all mean? Maybe I’ll find out. Maybe you will…

Miki: It means you’re another hapless loser that sat at a computer long enough to spew out a quarter of a million words. Fifty bucks and my bad kidney says that his book ends with the portly yet eloquent peasant-turned-warrior having hot naked sex with a nymph on the back of a unicorn.

Jami: DUDE. Who the fuck counts their book in words? I thought you stopped counting words when you graduated from school and didn’t have to write essays anymore. I can’t even wrap my brain around what 200,000 words are! If it’s anything like your poetry, counting words is certainly not fair considering how often you reuse the same words over and over and over.

Miki: Okay, in this ass-hat’s defense, I write on a program that automatically performs wordcounts and displays them at the bottom of the screen. Then again, that same program also tells me if I’m over-using a certain word and highlights all instances of its appearance, so maybe he is just counting all the words by hand.

Love. What it means. Where it is. What forms it takes. How different people see it…differently. Thinking about the simple act of holding someone in the night. The passion of it all. Long, slow kisses.

Miki: Insert after the word ‘Holding” the word “Hostage.” There we go.

Jami: Oh god… The romance is dripping off his words like mucous. Fuck. This is disgusting. Long, slow kisses? BARFBARFBARF. Anybody else hearing the song “What Is Love?” in their head? No…? Just me….? Okay, damn.

Miki: Once the roofies kick in and he lights a few candles it’s actually very romantic.

The country. How I feel it’s going to hell(not literally). I’m not political at all…but I’m worried. Politicians are snakes, the tools of the rich, are the rich themselves often enough. One is blue, one is red, but in the end, we’re all dead.

Miki: Hey everyone! It’s okay! The country isn’t LITERALLY going to hell. Thank god, cause I was wondering how they were going to fit a large land mass onto a tour bus.

Jami: I sure do love an optimist.

On a typical Friday night I am

Waiting for you…

Miki: In your bushes. Seriously. He has a netbook and wireless access. He can stalk you and level-up in WoW at the same time. No girl with her blinds even slightly ajar is safe.

Jami: GOD. Dude, get a fucking life. Seriously.

The most private thing I’m willing to admit here

I sometimes write erotica. I don’t like the dark. That’s all you get…until you ask.

Miki: Twilight fanfic is not erotica.

Jami: I’d LOVE to see a sample of his erotica. Your mission, readers, should you choose to accept it, is to contact this man and get a copy of some of his erotica. If it doesn’t contain a nymph, sprite, fairy, faerie, dwarf or troll…. I don’t know. I’ll give you a prize or something.

Miki: You can have my bad kidney!

You should message me if

These are not all inclusive: in other words, it’s not an exhaustive list you have to match bit for bit and word for word.

A.) You like walking in the rain…but ONLY if you can sometimes step between the rain drops…or find the hidden worlds inside the rainbows cast off by sunlight penetrating said drops…or you become a darling water nymph when it rains.

Miki: In other words, if you’re taking the crack train to Delerium-ville and would like a fat, socially awkward caboose to accompany you.

Jami: I REALLY don’t understand this part. Step between the rain drops? We’re going inside of rainbows? Oh fuck the fucking nymphs again. DUDE. I have no patience for gamers, I swear to god.

B.) You like making naked snow angels…

Miki: This is how virgins wind up contracting herpes.

Jami: At LEAST he spelled angels correctly… I’m sure that somewhere, deep in his fantasy world there are Anjulz… Or something.

C.) You’ll let me kiss you while we’re standing upside down…and, no, not in Australia.

Miki: What in the clear blue fuck does that mean? Jami? Anyone????

Jami: Kind of makes me think of Stereo Jim…

D.) You’re an elf girl who’s tired of life in a fantasy world lacking love and want to try one kinda mundane but full of overflowing love…or you dance on the end of snow flakes…or you dance under a full moon.

Miki: Yes, by all means, message this dude if you’re an imaginary creature who is tired of living in a fantasy world. Good luck with that.

Jami: And not only that, but if you’re seeking something “kinda mundane” — this is NOT a good way to sell yourself, buddy.

Miki: To be fair, for an imaginary fairy princess just about anyone would seem kinda mundane.

E.) You’ll read my blonde jokes, whether you are one or not…and there’s a total of one.

Miki: So long as you don’t make them read any more of your crappy poetry I think a blond joke would be a welcome reprieve. The word Vogon comes to mind when thinking of your words, and I know your geeky ass knows what a Vogon is.

F.) Cataloguing a cheese collection doesn’t sound like a boring thing to you…(and if you know where this comes from you get primo points)

Miki: You catalog it and I’ll eat it. Unless you’ve touched it.

Jami: Seriously? I mean… I guess it’s fair. He did say “kinda mundane”… Munster… Cheddar… Provolone… Colby… Shredded Mexican Cheese… Velveeta…

G.) You see more than the average woman, can see the magical mystery of it all…or you count the stars at night…or you believe in love and haven’t become jaded…any of the above amused you enough to click, click, click!

Miki: Hey, good guess. Click on ‘block user,’ click on ‘update profile,’ click on ‘cancel account.’ I am definitely inspired.

H.) You’re curvy and cute!

Miki: Damn! I’m made entirely of right angles.

Jami: I’m all scalene and obtuse man…

I.)(for Interesting, Intelligent, and Intriguing…and you’re IN) You have wide cheekbones, a quirky grin, pointy chin, and a giggly personality.

Miki: Oh, just nut up and tell them if they have a pulse and a vagina they’re in. Vagina optional. As is pulse. But NOT both at the same time. A guy’s gotta have standards.

Jami: Giggly personality? What is she… An elf? Oh… wait. Yea, I guess that’s probably what you’re going for, eh?

J.)(for JUST me) Any future gf of mine ought to rather like her birthday suit.

And you fancy me!!!

Miki: When the fuck did we start playing the alphabet game? Also, you’re not from Britain and you are not allowed to ‘fancy’ anything. An American girl “fancying” you would involve dressing you in a lace doily hat and serving you tea out of the good china.

Jami: Well, I would expect no less from Mr. Confident Naked.