She Said — Miki Said: Dwarf Seeks Unicorn For LTR
He Said -- She Said — By Jami on November 24, 2009 at 11:13 pm
If you don’t remember or are just joining us, last week I had something of a contest. Instead of posting the usual back and forth commentary between PC and myself, I posted only the profile and asked you guys to flex your snark muscles.The commenter with the most ‘thumbs up’ ratings would land a guest spot on this week’s He Said — She Said.
It was really kind of beautiful and you guys brought your big guns. I really thought that Paige had it, then Tony V. came up and squeezed by her, but Miki came through for the win!
Huzzah! Seriously, if you haven’t a chance to go read the post, do it. It’s amazing. I have the smartest and snarkiest readership on the interwebz, I’m certain.
So, ladies and dude-things, meet Miki:
I’m 27, single, gay, and way too traumatized by online dating to actually find my own wrecks to make fun of. As such, I live vicariously through the trauma of Jami and other Date Wrecks submitters. I’m going to school to be a pharmacist, because I always wanted to be a drug dealer but I look silly packing heat. I paint and write and drink entirely too much caffeine. My life’s ambition is to be a successful (see: doesn’t need a side-job/has a cupboard full of foods that don’t contain the word Ramen or the suffix -O’s) writer, but I think the drug dealing thing has a lot more promise.
Miki initially asked to have a threesome with me and PC, but come now… We can’t spoil you! So she settled for writing with me. I think the results are smashing.
Here’s your HSSS Wreck for the week, guys. Enjoy!
Jami: The backstory — he’s been stalking me for DAYS and I just can’t get visions of his hairy chest out of my mind. BARF.
The Writer Sits Down To His Meal Of Words...
Miki: And Hot Pockets. And Mountain Dew. And is that a Hello Kitty candle hiding precariously behind his monitor? Anyway, he got the caption for this photo all wrong. It should say, “Have you talked to your children about the dangers of internet predators?”
Jami: I spy floppy discs. And a bitchin’ student desk from Sam’s Club. And what looks like a webcam on a string…? Wonder where that thing has been.
Miki: Don’t forget about the ‘Normal people worry me’ pen cup. Just in case we were wondering if this guy was creepy.
Showing off the new 'tar at Grandma's!
Miki: Dude, horizontal stripes totally make you look fat.
Jami: Sitting on couches that have blankets on the seats makes you look incontinent.
Jami: “Now turn your head a little and stick your hand under your chin. Granny wants to see your purty smile!” Is that a Chevrolet symbol inside the guitar? I didn’t realize that Chevrolet made quality musical instruments (or cars).
Waiting...
Miki: Waiting for what? The third-grade classroom photographer to take your picture? Seriously. Who told you it was okay to pose like that?
Jami: Dude. His GRANNY. This is totally the kind of pose that your grandma puts you in. Nobody likes a poser, man. And Mount St. Laundry seems to be ready to avalanche out of your hallway, holmes. Time to wash your sheets… Or at least, take them over to Granny’s and get her to wash them for you.
Miki: Seriously. If you don’t soak them right away it’s impossible to get Mountain Dew Code Red and dried splooge out of bedding.
sexy? you decide (lol)
Miki: I think God decided bro, and I think the answer is no.
Jami: I’m really happy that he left it up to us to decide. It’s a resounding NO on my end as well. Does “(lol)” in parenthesis like that mean that you are cupping your hands over your mouth while you giggle…?
Jami: “Yea, this is me in my gym… Pumping iron and stuff. You know, just working the obliques and traps and stuff man. If you can’t tell, ladies… That’s a whopping sixty pounds on that barbell. You don’t get a wide and flat chest like this from lifting girly stuff — only manly stuff for me. Like flannel shirts… And my magnetic alphabet.”
Miki: The placement of the weight bench all of six inches from the refrigerator gives us all a stunning insight into how he achieved that stunning physique.
silverdreamer7
36 / M / straight / Single
Durham, North Carolina
I am World, of, and Warcraft.
Miki: I am gayer, by, and the second.
Jami: I can’t top that. I really can’t. Bravo.
My Self-Summary
(see bottom for cuteness and humor, if that’s your main motor)
Miki: Do you have a link someone elses profile down there? Someone who has seen a human female boob that wasn’t made of pixels?
Jami: I think he’s asking us to check out his ass. Asses get my motor running, for sure. Totally. Uhm…
“Skalded”
I have skalded myself.
Come see what’s writ upon.
Come see what’s writ in me
And know what there is to be
The skald that is me.
Jami: I think it’s neat that he’s using his burning accident as a catalyst for creative expression. I’d like to see what kinds of writing seems to be appearing in his scalding burns. It’d be way cooler if it was the Virgin Mary though.
I will skald you when you look at me.
Come and see what you could be.
Come see what’s writ in blood and tears
And know what are my fears,
The skald that is me.
Jami: Everybody! Join in! This is the refrain! [doing tra-la-la conductor fingers]
I have skalded myself.
Come see what’s writ behind.
Come see what’s writ so large
And know my charge,
The skald that is me.I will skald you with my fingers.
Come and see what’s writ with them.
Come and see how they flow
And know what I know,
The skald that is me.I have skalded myself.
Come see what’s writ by tested love.
Come see what’s writ by hate
And know your fate,
The skald that is me.I will skald you with my lips.
Come and see what’s writ with them.
Come and see what’s writ by the spoken word
And come and see and love what’s heard,
The skald that is me.
Jami: I think we can call scalding with your lips hot bref — and no, that ain’t sexy.
I have skalded myself.
Come see what’s writ upon,
By the baking of the sun
And the love that’s writ upon,
The skalding of the one
That’s surely writ upon,
The skald that is me.
Miki: See, this poem only seems like useless masturbatory word vomit if you don’t know the meaning of the word “Skald.” Coming from the language of the archaic and long-extinct elf tribes of Endor, Skald is a verb meaning to infect with herpes dusted in Pizza Roll crumbs.
Jami: See, I am WAY too cool to understand all of that stuff, man. <hairtoss> All this time, I thought he was just a sing-songy poor speller. Dang. I’m hungry for Pizza Rolls now. Dammit bitch.
Miki: Pizza Rolls do sound good. This poem is equally effective if we use the lesser known definition of ‘Skald’ which is ‘To make a mockery of’
And my contact info is:
aim: silver7dreamer7 or nakedconfidence, whichever
yahoo: j_thomas_lance
msn: j_thomas_lance@hotmail.com
Miki: I’m so glad you’re confident naked, but not nearly as glad as I am that you’ll never leave the skungy dungeon that is your mee-maw’s basement.
Jami: I can ONLY imagine the pictures that once graced his OkStupid profile… Big, wide-chested hairy version of his confident and naked self.
I can also be found on the Plains of Azeroth…well, actually more like the mountains around Ironforge and the foothills near Loch Mordan…or Stormwind or Elwynn Forest or Westfall. Feel free to pst Polaar. I’m a dwarf! Lol.
Miki: I have no idea what you just said, but I’ve touched real human breasts that weren’t attached to own chest and no even maced me or blew their pesky rape whistle.  The point is, I win. You can find me in the plains of your old bedroom plowing your mom.
Jami: Now, correct me if I’m wrong — I’ve NEVER played a game like this in my life… Why would a dude choose for his character in a game to be dwarf? Actually… I just realized how stupid that question is… Why would a human being choose ANY MYTHICAL CREATURE and then TALK ABOUT IT ON THEIR PERSONAL AD? If you’re looking for a gamer lover, I think you’d have better luck pinching fairy (or faerie?) asses virtually, man.
Miki: Dwarf seeks unicorn for LTR. Must have wireless internet connection and must be a girl unicorn.
What I’m doing with my life
Seeking myself
And seeking you
Seeking love
Is what I do.
Miki: Jami!!!! This guy is seeking me!!! Make him stop! I need an adult! I need an adult!
Jami: Oh calm down, it’ll be fine. He’s splitting his time between seeking you, seeking himself and seeking love… You’ve only got a 33.33% chance of him stalking you.
Miki: The seeking himself should be fairly simple, but I think that quest to seek out love might keep him distracted while I look up the number for Burgallero Alarm.
Walking the rails
And talking truth
Wanting the scales
Is the truth.
Miki: See how he rhymed ‘truth’ with ‘truth’ there? Writing genius that hasn’t been matched since the epic Avril Lavigne ode entitled “Skaterboi”
Jami: Ha! So he’s…like…Â walking on railroad tracks and being honest about it… And seeking out bathroom scales? Legal scales? Lizard scales? Because THAT is the truth? Or is the wanting the truth?
Miki: I like to think of the last line more in ebonics terms. He’s saying I’s the truth. Like I is the truth. Like when you raised on the streets verb tense don’t mean nuttin to ya. Holla!
Writing lives and writing love,
Looking for fun things,
Playing WoW…
Miki: If you pronounce the last line, “Playing dubya oh dubya” this becomes a haiku. That’s right ladies. He’s deep AND cultured. Like a giant tub of yogurt.
Jami: Oh My GOD. What a sharp eye! I really do <3 haikus.
I’m really good at
Crafting words which make people think, feel strong emotions, and take hold of them. I can write stories that either piss people off or make them feel all or make them go ‘awwwww.’
Miki: Argh! You can’t even craft a sentence. Who taught you syntax??? Nothing in the blurb above makes a lick of sense. Are the words taking hold of me? Am I taking hold of the words? How does one go about feeling all? All of what? Who dressed you this morning? And who is controlling your legion of imaginary warriors in the shire while you’re writing this doomed OKC ad?
Jami: Maybe he’s talking about crafting with objects to make words… Like… With popsicle sticks… And feathers… OOH! Or using those magnetic letters. Yes… That’s it. I’ll tell you this, I certainly had to stop and think after reading his profile… I just don’t think I was thinking quite what he wanted me to be thinking.
Flexibility and compromise. Weakness is an illusion. The reed survives in bending with the breeze, rather than the oak which cracks in the big wind.
Miki: So… Weakness is an illusion, and yet you yourself just called oak trees weak. Tell you what, you take your reed and I’ll take this here oak tree that I just happen to have lying around and when I say go we’ll start running at each other full-speed. Or rather, I’ll start running. You’ll make it three paces and start wheezing like a 90-year-old who just completed the Boston Marathon while chain-smoking a carton of Newports.
Jami: You.Are.Brilliant. Holy shit. This contest idea was such a good plan. That last paragraph sort of blew my mind. The only thing that would make it better would be the promise that in this jousting tournament, you guys will wear full chain mail and clinky-metal suits. Oh please oh please oh please!?
Miki: I don’t know… Have you ever seen a fat hairy man have to be removed from a suit of armor using the jaws of life and common household cooking grease? That’s an image that won’t soon un-burn itself from your retinas.
Jami: Mmmm… Slippery when wet. Hot.
Making a woman feel loved, because I put my whole self into the relationship, believe in treating her like the queen she is…as long as there is balance.
Miki: Replace ‘loved’ with ’stalked.’ Good. Now replace ‘the relationship’ with ‘her shrubbery.’ Finally, replace ‘balance’ with ‘no restraining order.’ Voila! Truth in advertising.
Jami: Shrubbery. I love that word.
Being there for good friends, doing what I can.
Miki: Like that time he totally brought enough Cool Ranch Doritios for the entire LAN party and didn’t even ask anyone to pay him back.
Jami: Way to aim high, bud… Doing what you can. You’re SO good at that!
The first things people usually notice about me
That I look like a lovable bear, perhaps a hippy. Other than that, I don’t know…
Miki: I could take a stab at it, but you really don’t want me to.
Jami: Ok, I’ll go. That your glasses are too small for your face… That the ends of your hair are so very fried/broken that I would almost go so far as to suggest you get a bob haircut. That your shirt is unbuttoned.
Miki: That you could dreadlock your chest hair, that you smell (yes, I know I’m on the other side of the country, but you just LOOK like you’d smell), that your dream of using the guitar to impress girls isn’t working out for you…
My favorite books, movies, music, and food
The Stand by Stephen King, The Lord of the Rings by J.R.R. Tolkien, By The Light of the Moon by Dean Koontz, Case Closed by Patricia Cornwell, The Heralds of Valdemar Series by Mercedes Lackey, The Green Mile by Stephen King, Murder on the Orient Express by Agatha Christie, The Saxon Stories Series by Bernard Cornwell…
The Wizard of Oz, Star Wars, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, Sideways, The Lord of the Rings, National Lampoon’s Vacation, Back to the Future, Conan the Barbarian, Red Sonja, JFK, The Outsiders, The Patriot, Practical Magic…
Led Zeppelin, Kiss, The Dixie Chicks, Evanescence, My Chemical Romance, George Jones, Wagner and Bach, Megadeth, Metallica, Motley Crue, Rod Stewart, The Who, Black Sabbath, Ronnie James Dio, Ozzy Osbourne, The Grateful Dead…
Banana pudding, pizza, chocolate soy milk, whole wheat bread, cherries, oranges, pumpkin pie, hamburgers and hot dogs, subs, chicken, salmon, cucumbers, tomatoes…
Miki: I like the ellipses at the end of his favorite foods list. Yeah buddy, we saw your picture. We are fully aware that the list goes on and on.
Jami: I was pleased and comforted to see The Lord Of The Rings listed in both the movies and books categories. I’m actually really surprised that Nickelback and fried chicken didn’t make the list…
Miki: I must now quote Rifftrax (it’s MST3K but with new movies)
“You know it’s not a bad superhero movie until someone plays a Nickelback song.”
“This isn’t Nickelback.”
“What do you mean?”
“This is Coldplay. They’re an entirely different band.”
“Wait. Nickelback is a band?”
“Yeah, what did you think they were?”
“I just thought it was a term for really bad whiny rock music.”
The six things I could never do without
1. Love
2. Books.
3. Writing.
4. Intimacy.
5. Intelligence.
6. Friends.
Miki: I can tell you’ve been doing without number five for quite some time, and I would bet my good kidney that number four is more a far-fetched goal than a necessity for you.
Jami: I’d say we can probably take one of those highlighters off his student desk and mark four, five and six as “maybes”.
Miki: And one. And three if we’re having any standards about what constitutes writing.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Lately, my dark fantasy novel, The Winter Vales, and how happy I am I’ve trucked with it so long, since ‘06. Hope it gets published one day. 21 complete chapters, just over 200 thousand words, almost two complete acts. What does it all mean? Maybe I’ll find out. Maybe you will…
Miki: It means you’re another hapless loser that sat at a computer long enough to spew out a quarter of a million words. Fifty bucks and my bad kidney says that his book ends with the portly yet eloquent peasant-turned-warrior having hot naked sex with a nymph on the back of a unicorn.
Jami: DUDE. Who the fuck counts their book in words? I thought you stopped counting words when you graduated from school and didn’t have to write essays anymore. I can’t even wrap my brain around what 200,000 words are! If it’s anything like your poetry, counting words is certainly not fair considering how often you reuse the same words over and over and over.
Miki: Okay, in this ass-hat’s defense, I write on a program that automatically performs wordcounts and displays them at the bottom of the screen. Then again, that same program also tells me if I’m over-using a certain word and highlights all instances of its appearance, so maybe he is just counting all the words by hand.
Love. What it means. Where it is. What forms it takes. How different people see it…differently. Thinking about the simple act of holding someone in the night. The passion of it all. Long, slow kisses.
Miki: Insert after the word ‘Holding” the word “Hostage.” There we go.
Jami: Oh god… The romance is dripping off his words like mucous. Fuck. This is disgusting. Long, slow kisses? BARFBARFBARF. Anybody else hearing the song “What Is Love?” in their head? No…? Just me….? Okay, damn.
Miki: Once the roofies kick in and he lights a few candles it’s actually very romantic.
The country. How I feel it’s going to hell(not literally). I’m not political at all…but I’m worried. Politicians are snakes, the tools of the rich, are the rich themselves often enough. One is blue, one is red, but in the end, we’re all dead.
Miki: Hey everyone! It’s okay! The country isn’t LITERALLY going to hell. Thank god, cause I was wondering how they were going to fit a large land mass onto a tour bus.
Jami: I sure do love an optimist.
On a typical Friday night I am
Waiting for you…
Miki: In your bushes. Seriously. He has a netbook and wireless access. He can stalk you and level-up in WoW at the same time. No girl with her blinds even slightly ajar is safe.
Jami: GOD. Dude, get a fucking life. Seriously.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit here
I sometimes write erotica. I don’t like the dark. That’s all you get…until you ask.
Miki: Twilight fanfic is not erotica.
Jami: I’d LOVE to see a sample of his erotica. Your mission, readers, should you choose to accept it, is to contact this man and get a copy of some of his erotica. If it doesn’t contain a nymph, sprite, fairy, faerie, dwarf or troll…. I don’t know. I’ll give you a prize or something.
Miki: You can have my bad kidney!
You should message me if
These are not all inclusive: in other words, it’s not an exhaustive list you have to match bit for bit and word for word.
A.) You like walking in the rain…but ONLY if you can sometimes step between the rain drops…or find the hidden worlds inside the rainbows cast off by sunlight penetrating said drops…or you become a darling water nymph when it rains.
Miki: In other words, if you’re taking the crack train to Delerium-ville and would like a fat, socially awkward caboose to accompany you.
Jami: I REALLY don’t understand this part. Step between the rain drops? We’re going inside of rainbows? Oh fuck the fucking nymphs again. DUDE. I have no patience for gamers, I swear to god.
B.) You like making naked snow angels…
Miki: This is how virgins wind up contracting herpes.
Jami: At LEAST he spelled angels correctly… I’m sure that somewhere, deep in his fantasy world there are Anjulz… Or something.
C.) You’ll let me kiss you while we’re standing upside down…and, no, not in Australia.
Miki: What in the clear blue fuck does that mean? Jami? Anyone????
Jami: Kind of makes me think of Stereo Jim…
D.) You’re an elf girl who’s tired of life in a fantasy world lacking love and want to try one kinda mundane but full of overflowing love…or you dance on the end of snow flakes…or you dance under a full moon.
Miki: Yes, by all means, message this dude if you’re an imaginary creature who is tired of living in a fantasy world. Good luck with that.
Jami: And not only that, but if you’re seeking something “kinda mundane” — this is NOT a good way to sell yourself, buddy.
Miki: To be fair, for an imaginary fairy princess just about anyone would seem kinda mundane.
E.) You’ll read my blonde jokes, whether you are one or not…and there’s a total of one.
Miki: So long as you don’t make them read any more of your crappy poetry I think a blond joke would be a welcome reprieve. The word Vogon comes to mind when thinking of your words, and I know your geeky ass knows what a Vogon is.
F.) Cataloguing a cheese collection doesn’t sound like a boring thing to you…(and if you know where this comes from you get primo points)
Miki: You catalog it and I’ll eat it. Unless you’ve touched it.
Jami: Seriously? I mean… I guess it’s fair. He did say “kinda mundane”… Munster… Cheddar… Provolone… Colby… Shredded Mexican Cheese… Velveeta…
G.) You see more than the average woman, can see the magical mystery of it all…or you count the stars at night…or you believe in love and haven’t become jaded…any of the above amused you enough to click, click, click!
Miki: Hey, good guess. Click on ‘block user,’ click on ‘update profile,’ click on ‘cancel account.’ I am definitely inspired.
H.) You’re curvy and cute!
Miki: Damn! I’m made entirely of right angles.
Jami: I’m all scalene and obtuse man…
I.)(for Interesting, Intelligent, and Intriguing…and you’re IN) You have wide cheekbones, a quirky grin, pointy chin, and a giggly personality.
Miki: Oh, just nut up and tell them if they have a pulse and a vagina they’re in. Vagina optional. As is pulse. But NOT both at the same time. A guy’s gotta have standards.
Jami: Giggly personality? What is she… An elf? Oh… wait. Yea, I guess that’s probably what you’re going for, eh?
J.)(for JUST me) Any future gf of mine ought to rather like her birthday suit.
And you fancy me!!!
Miki: When the fuck did we start playing the alphabet game? Also, you’re not from Britain and you are not allowed to ‘fancy’ anything. An American girl “fancying” you would involve dressing you in a lace doily hat and serving you tea out of the good china.
Jami: Well, I would expect no less from Mr. Confident Naked.
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71 Comments
Can’t breathe!
Laughing..too..hard!!
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OMG that was awesome. Hilarious and completely accurate at the same time.
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(golf claps)
Bravo, Miki – well deserved and well-played! As for the dude – Barfity-barf, man…
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Proof everyone who plays WoW seriously is crazy, especially since that’s probably the worst video game ever.
I loved this post, especially the Mount St. Laundry part. XD
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That was hilarious. Great job ladies. Jami, you should invite Miki back.
Super Lurve
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Indeed!
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We already talked about that a bit — I’m going to start doing this little contest ditty once a month. She was trying to be all nice and remove herself from future runnings and I was like, “Bitch, if people can’t hang, run the show.”
Or something like that. I can’t remember the exact details of the conversation.
Long story short (Jesus, it’s 1am and I’m like… I’ve got geriatric brain), next month –> show down. Kind of like… Let’s see who can hold the Date Wrecks title… Maybe I’ll shop together a belt like the wrestlers have…. That would be kind of amazing.
I’m just thinking out loud here.
Super Lurve
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“and I know your geeky ass knows what a Vogon is.”
Oh Miki. Welcome to my heart. Let’s be friends.
Super Lurve
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Extremely well done. Miki, I adored your commentary, and Jami, your thought of having this contest was inspired.
As to the confidently naked Dwarf seeking his Uniporn princess, I’d lay odds that his writing was rejected from the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest for not coming up to their standards. And no, I have no interest in reading his hairotica to validate that assumption.
Super Lurve
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That was some of the funniest commentary I have ever read. Miki, you make me want to stalk you, in a totally non-creepster way.
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What’s the non-creepy form of stalking? Because in my shallow brain the only thing that comes to mind is regular stalking, only you’re an attractive female so it takes a really long time before I find it creepy.
Super Lurve
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Miki. Lemme level with you.
Mentioning Rifftrax has earned you A MILLION-GAJILLION POINTS OF AWESOMENESS OH MY GOD NEVER LEAVE
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And on a side note, I do sometimes count my writing in words. But, sir, more words does not equal quality content. I once read an 800 page fantasy novel where nothing significant happened for the first 700 pages; just a bunch of people running around saying I’VE GOTS SO MANY SECRETS and then in the last 100 pages they figure it all out and then I threw the book across the room.
Super Lurve
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Exactly! Any woman that would be impressed by 200,000 words should probably have 200,000 words dropped on her head. I’m not impressed with much on paper until I read it.
Size doesn’t matter.
(…with books)
Super Lurve
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I’m only impressed by 200k words during NaNoWriMo.
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Have you seen their skewering of Twilight? It’s the funniest thing I have ever seen in my life, and well worth the embarrassment of renting Twilight to see.
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Slager, lemme guess, Robert Jordan or Terry Goodkind? (:
As for the word count, word processors do this for you. It’s like, one button. Tain’t difficult. For comparison/mild interest purposes, the National Novel Writing Month (or NaNoWriMo if you’re a jerk) figures you’ve written a “novel” when you hit 50k words. So, 200k words and only 2
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Slager, was that Robert Jordan or Terry Goodkind? (:
As for the word count, word processors do this for you. It’s like, one button. Tain’t difficult. For comparison/mild interest purposes, the National Novel Writing Month (or NaNoWriMo if you’re a jerk) figures you’ve written a “novel” when you hit 50k words. So, 200k words and only 21 chapters? That, sirrah, is a heap of crap. Like his ad. And his laundry. And him.
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Crap sorry for the double post and replying to the wrong thing in the first place……..gah.
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Oh their skewering of Twilight was a riot. I don’t think it quite redeemed the suffering and humiliation of sitting through that movie, but it was very funny. Have you seen their skewering of “The Room”? How about the “Star Wars” movies? Their treatment of the holiday special is a perennial Christmas treat.
Anyway Miki, I’m sure you get this a lot, but it bears repeating…you’re awesome, hilarious, and a master of snark. Way to go!
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Good, good stuff. Made my morning. I admit I felt a little sorry for the guy, who seems more loser than wreck.
More please, Miki. And is PC okay?
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Yea, PC is fine. You know, he’s probably under about seven or eight feet of snow in Vermont by now… Seriously though, everybody needs to take a little time off every now and then. He actually said to me this week that he was a bit worried that I was firing him, lol… That isn’t the case. I’m hoping he comes back, guns-blazing next Wednesday.
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Oh God, I know what a Vogon is! I’m doomed! Hmm… I wonder if my blinds are closed. Well done Miki!
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Oh crap, me too! I have to close my goddamn blinds RIGHT NOW!!
*weeps*
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Just to be certain, you guys know what a skald is, and didn’t honestly think he was misspelling scald, eh?
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To be certain, no, I have no idea of what the actual use of the word skald means. I don’t think I want to know because I want to keep Miki’s translation — anything with Pizza Rolls has got to be better than whatever it REALLY means.
But also, no… I didn’t honestly think he was just misspelling scald.
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I thought he was just misspelling scald. I just wanted to make fun of him.
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Personally, I think the real meaning of skald makes the entire poem funnier.
“The skald was a member of a group of poets, whose courtly poetry (Icelandic: dróttkvæði) is associated with the courts of Scandinavian and Icelandic leaders during the Viking age.”
That’s right: more Vikings. Who wants to bet his ‘erotica’ is written in Old Norse verse?
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I just thought the affectation of using “skald” in the first place was ridiculous enough. I’m not entirely certain HE knows what it means, either….I mean, it still doesn’t make much sense…he just thought it was ‘literary’
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“Who wants to bet his ‘erotica’ is written in Old Norse verse?”
`
That or Elvish.
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Hidden due to low comment rating. Click here to see.
We hate you
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Well of course a PUBLISHER is going to need to know the word count, dipshit… Are you suggesting that someone’s potential dates should also need to know this VERY important information? This is a clear-cut example of a daft basement dweller trying to puff up his chest by flexing his word powah.
I do think it’s kind of cute that you are being such a hater… You know, when people like you come along, I always wonder… Are YOU the wreck in question? Did you date the wreck in question? Do you relate to the this joker? Perhaps. *pats head* Bless your heart!
Super Lurve
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Not to defend the above commenter, but actually if I were hoping for a fellow writer as an SO, it would make some sense*. Because publishers want word counts, writers tend to express their progress in them. ‘Pages’ is sort of immaterial because that depends on fonts and such; ‘chapters’ can be of any length. Word count actually gives you a good estimate on how long a book is. For instance, if Mr. WoW Dwarf is at 200k, he’s running about twice what most American fantasy publishers want from first-time authors… which means he probably can’t self-edit very well, and I probably won’t want to date him on account of how I don’t want to date another guy who thinks his writing is the shit, when really it’s just shit.
[*Well, about as much sense as anything like that does in a date ad. I don't need to know someone can benchpress 200 lbs, or that he rebuilt a 1965 Mustang last summer, or that their dick is 9" long, either... just tell me you like working out or refurbishing cars or confusing cm with inches and move on.]
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This is the funniest exercise I have ever read. If you decide to run it more often, I’ll be losing so much work time that I’ll probably be reduced to sitting in my grandmother’s basement at a student computer desk in a ratty flannel shirt and unwashed split-ended hair down past my shoulders….
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OMG! OMG! OMG! About a year ago, when I was single and on OKC, this charmer contacted me, which mostly amounted to him sending me lines and lines of poetry involving vikings and nymphs and the like. He kept trying to arrange to meet me, but would try to set things up WAY in advance (like 6 months), which made it pathetically easy to say no.
Anyway, I let him know that I wasn’t really interested, and I got a look at some serious crazy: his reply was one of those all caps “I’m angry but this is e-mail so all I can do is type big letters,” and, damn, I wish I had saved it. The gist of it was “Well, I didn’t want to be your friend, anyway,” and it read like an 8-year-old had written it for him.
Nicely chosen, Jami, and beautifully torn apart, Jami and Miki.
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[start the band]
It’s a smaaaall world aaaafter alllll…
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Haiku is 5/7/5, not 7/5/7
“He’s deep AND cultured. Like a giant tub of yogurt.” Totally made up for it
Super Lurve
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This was one of the funniest posts I have ever seen here! AWESOME JOB, Miki and Jami! You guys really play off of each other well!
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Ok, I’m gonna be the complete gamer geek who makes the comment that World of Warcraft has dozens of servers. He wants to be talked to on his dwarf, but what server am I expected to contact him on.
Oh, and by the way, his little dwarf is a measly level 26. Which is pathetic when the highest level possible is 80. Tsk tsk.
Ok, enough of my WoW-y rambling. This guy is creepy even without the whole fake WoW obsession.
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I think he might meet that unicorn. He certainly has the… pristine quality mandatory to attract one.
What does he mean about collecting cheese? I live in France, and you certainly CANNOT collect cheeses. Not if you don’t want to get an eviction order.
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Perhaps he collects his own nob cheese
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You….
You are grounded from the internet. Dammit.
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I’m pretty sure it’s a reference to the Monty Python sketch that takes place in a cheese shop: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B3KBuQHHKx0
And yes, I do hate myself for getting this guy’s references. I understood ALL of them, and suddenly I’m no longer surprised I’m single.
Super Lurve
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But wouldn’t a cheese collection cover up any other unusual smells?
Psttt…PC is lying to you. I’m a Vermonter, and unless he’s way way up in the mountains, we ain’t got snow. Shirker!
The one good thing about H1N1, though, is that I have lots of time to sit weakly and read DW.
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Oh no, PC didn’t tell me he was under snow, this is just my southern-minded image of what it’s like to live up there in Vermont. Seriously, I have been upset that it’s been fifty degrees here in Atlanta in November — it’s too cold!
Sorry you’ve been hit with the piggy shit.
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that was entirely too much awesome. i am thankful for you guys who made me smile… and i am thankful for datewrecks, in general, which is a “happy-bringer”. and mostly, today, after reading that profile, i am thankful i am married, to someone else.
thanks for finding this turkey… (gotta love thanksgiving humor)
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Funniest thing I have read all year. Miki is an absolute Snark Genius, and I look forward to many more of these!
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Hmm… I dunno, this one seemed kind of mean just for the hell of it. Yeah, he’s an overweight geek who also happens to write bad poetry. But there are plenty of guys like that and I don’t find those traits to be particularly offensive. Is he creepy? I wouldn’t say so. Sure, he might be a bit odd, but I think that’s mostly because of his geekiness. His pictures are fairly non-offensive, even if he did do the same stupid pose twice.
And I think it’s pretty mean to make fun of the guy’s weight. I’m kind of doubtful that any of you guys are supermodels, and I don’t see the guy claiming to be a chiseled out hunk. He posted honest pictures of himself (and kept his clothes on, which is always a plus) and he said what is favorite foods were because it was IN THE QUESTION. Ellipses were also included in his lists of favorite books, movies, and music, and I don’t see you guys saying “oh, well his list of books must go on FOREVER! He’s as well-read as he is fat!”
We\\\\\\\'re on the fence. And it hurts our no-no zone.
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True, Sag–hence my comment that he just seems “more loser than wreck”. I do suspect these two gals would be clever,though, even if the profile was Sunday Showcase material.
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Ummm… The website is here to mock other people. You can’t get upset when it mocks other people. There are plenty of sunshine and bunny websites out there that will fill you full of chicken soup for the soul and all that if you’d like. I absolutely get your point that he’s a harmless loser, but we’re here to snark. Sure, it’s always extra rewarding to see a creepy asshole with offensive and misoginistic material in his profile get ripped a new one, but it’s not called “Datewrecks (but only if they’re bad people and have it coming.” Plus, according to tbp this guy actually is kind of a prick. I was extra hard on him because I have a special hatred for people who strut about with an air of intellectual superiority even though they’re idiots. Like they confused geekdom with smarts. Yes, many geeks are smart, but playing WoW and writing dark fantasy novels doesn’t make you smarter than everyone else.
Okay. Rant done.
Super Lurve
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I lay myself at your feet, to do your bidding.
Holy shit. THANK YOU!
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P.S. I weigh 105 pounds. I can make fun of fat people all I want!
Please note: This is sarcastic. While I do actually weigh that little, it’s due to a hyperactive thyroid, and not any sort of hard work or discipline. I just don’t see why it’s okay to make fun of him for his body hair, wardrobe, word-choice, and general life decisions, but for some reason his fatness is taboo. It’s not like I’m making fun of a hairlip or a wheelchair or something.
Okay, truth be told, I would probably make fun of both those things, but I have no shame and possess very little moral fiber.
Super Lurve
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Oh nice ripost
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Jami,
I will report back to you as soon as my mission is accomplished!
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Hey, I’m fat and I wasn’t bothered by the jokes. TBQH I was too busy laughing. I did feel kind of bad for him until I got down to his list and remembered that he was actually looking for some otherworldly creature and that he thought that it’s okay to sound like an extra from “Beowulf”. Dude is seriously weird and not in a good way. Lastly his poetry was stupid and his mee-maw posed pics were quite sucky.
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I’m loving that term “mee-maw”. Is that a Southern thing? If I ever have grandchildren I’m going to make them call me that.
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I totally have a mema (pronounced mee-maw) and one of my best friends growing up had a meemaw and a peepaw. no lie.
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Great job jami and miki. This guy seemed completely out of it.
Kind of felt bad for him while I was laughing my ass off:P
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“Coming from the language of the archaic and long-extinct elf tribes of Endor, Skald is a verb meaning to infect with herpes dusted in Pizza Roll crumbs.”
Best. Line. EVER. Nicely done, Miki!
Seriously, every time I look at it I break out in giggles again. The line, not, like, his pictures. Ok, well, those, too.
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Oh Miki, you’re so fine,
You’re so fine you blow my mind,
Hey Miki!
*Drum beat*
Hey Miki!
Seriously, I would LOVE to see a threesome with Jami, PC, and Miki. On HSSS, that is.
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Hi Jami! Long time lurker – first time commenter here (naked confidence issues, perhaps). I love-ity-love-love everything about this site. I think you have to be awfully funny to stand out around this here forum…and Miki BRINGS IT!!!
I was going to say that his whole shtick is oh so very Comic Book Guy, but even his nerdiness is so lame and contrived, the comparison falls flat. Or fat. You pick.
*slow clap* for the sheer hilarity of it all. Thank you.
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When I first saw the pictures. I thought, “Come on, he can’t be that bad… he like The Doors!” By the end of it I wanted to email him and tell him never to wear that shirt again.
Deep and cultured like a tub of yogurt. I love it.<3 I'm stealing it!
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That’s pretty harsh stuff. I hope this dude doesn’t read this. He’ll be utterly crushed. Poor guy.
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In the words of Patton Oswalt:
“Who let the bridge troll in here? How the fuck-…? Did someone not answer his three questions and he escaped? This guy’s creepy!”
“*in a singsong, troll-ish voice* I’ve got a key in my pocket!”
Have you ever decided to join your school’s “Sci-Fi, Fantasy, and Gamer’s Guild” in your search for people with common interests, and you get to the first meeting, realize to your horror that these people are way too hardcore to possibly be living in the basements of this planet, and then decide maybe you don’t like sci-fi, fantasy, and video games after all?
What fond life memories this creep invokes.
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Listen i dont know what ur trying to pull or anything, but this isnt funny…if anything i think ur stalking him considering ur talking crap about him on the internet…reading his stuff so dramatically….oh and commentating on it like its a dang english class. I think u should grow up and think about what u are doing before u do it…just grow up…delete this page or im sure ull get in trouble for slandering his name especially if he calls the cops on u!
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oh no. did you really just use the “word” commentating and think you could get away with that?!! oh ashley, ashley, ashley… honey. bless your heart! what are you, about seventeen? it’s really sweet.
let me break it down for you:
a) this IS funny. maybe you’re just too stupid to get the jokes.
b) stalking would involve repeated efforts to view him (and we’ll throw you a bone here and also say that it would include repeated efforts to view his okcupid profile). that isn’t what we’re doing here darling. see, on my website, i’ve just — stop me if i go too fast — COPIED AND PASTED his personal ad here so people can view it. do you understand that honey? and ‘talking crap about him on the internet’ isn’t verbiage you’re going to find under any sort of legalese for stalking.
c) i already glazed over this one, but COMMENTATING IS NOT THE WORD YOU SEEK. sorry to go all ‘english class’ on you. also, i will only forgive your gratuitous use of ur and u if you admit that you are a teenager AND you were commenting from your phone.
d) again, let’s take the time to look up ’slander’ in the dictionary — you DO know what a dictionary is, don’t you ashley? in order to slander his name, i would have to KNOW his name and USE his name. but wouldn’t it be fun if he called the cops on me? can you imagine being the officer that fields that call?
“Police Department, can I help you?”
“Yes, there’s a mean girl on the internet making fun of me.”
“Uhh, sir, there’s really nothing we can do about that… But go ahead and tell me the website and I’ll look into it.”
“It’s DateWrecks.com!”
“Ok, I’ll check on this and get back to you. Good day.”
[hangs up the phone]
“Dude, y’all come look at this basement dweller on Date Wrecks. God, this website is so great!”
Ahhh… I love happy endings.
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Now you’re making fun of a girl who cannot defend herself, who doesn’t have the skills to do it with. Everyone wasn’t born with that kind of mind, nor read until their eyes bled, so much that words spill out of them without thinking. Pick on someone you’re own size.
1. What is funny about making fun of others who do not even know that’s what you’re doing? How about bringing others up, instead of striking them down? Or do you feel just the least little bit bad about yourself? I wonder why you feel the need to rend the flesh of others. We are all varied and different from one another. They may not be like you, but what of it? Do you need the world to be like you? What you want here are happy automatons who laugh at your quips and build up your ego. You feel good when you get nods, not so good with the odd one comes here and shakes a head.
2. Forgive her for not knowing the exact definition of ’stalking.’ No, you haven’t been stalking this guy, but you’ve been doing something worse. At least a stalked person has a chance to avoid said stalker. How about finding someone who ‘actually’ deserves your ridicule. Someone who preys on people mayhap.
3. By the way, it’s ‘English.’ If you’re going to blast others for spelling and grammar, check yours first. I detect many mistakes in your own writing, but who would I be to nitpick? That’s my point. This isn’t formal writing, these comments, even blogs. It’s amazing that you take her down for improper use of words and their spelling, and you’re making mistakes yourself. I’ve also caught mighty big assumptions in the aforementioned guy’s profile: how would you or anyone here know the specifics of this guy…but I don’t think that’s the point, think you already know you’re full of it…at least I would hope so…because ignorance is worse than hypocrisy.
4. Slander has to be true to be slander. You are right. She has her dictionary terms mismatched. What you have been doing is defamation of character. Of a person you do not even know. Did you take the time to even ‘try’ to get to know him? Or did you just ‘assume’ he’s the worst loser in history? Did you try to step into his moccasins, so to speak? This world would do better to try a little love and understanding.
And I know what you’re going to say: I’m preaching. Feel free to say what you will. You’re well within your rights to keep doing what you’re doing.
Why don’t you try something else? Comedians do it all the time. They don’t rank out others to the dogs and back. Try something positive. Or at least throw your slings and arrows at the more deserving of such barbs.
Did it ever occur to you that the above guy is trying to attract a certain kind of woman? One, mayhap, like himself? Isn’t that what anyone wants? You know, it does happen: gamer geeks do fall in love. Doves fall in love. And holier-than-thou types match up with other such types. It’s all a matter of perspective.
Why don’t you let this one rest, eh? He’s probably not that bad of a guy anyway. Maybe misunderstood. He doesn’t strike me as pretentious at all. Or perhaps intelligent people disturb you. You don’t like people like this Ashely who don’t have the best grasp of written English, and you don’t like those who have a pretty damn good grasp of it. Whom do you like?
My suggestion is you switch to real, creative comedy. It’s too easy to make fun of people. It’s degrading. If I knew where you had a profile, I could make fun of it, make up a lot of stuff, but that wouldn’t make any of it necessarily true. Just creative lies.
Well, I’ve had my say. What I’m doing is proffering an olive branch, asking you to leave this guy alone. He cannot defend himself against an invisible attacker.
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Dude… WHAT?
Thanks for your input Lance. I think you’re absolutely right. I think intelligent people disturb me. And stupid people… And you know… tall people and short people and pink people and brown people and spotted people and people with tails and and and and and. You get my point?
This is what I keep trying to tell you guys: I am something of a bitch, but here, at Date Wrecks, this is where I let my bitch hair down. This is where I am my most delightfully cuntankerous and mean. Tra la la la la!
If you don’t like it, do not click. If you don’t like it, do not read. Nobody is making you come to DW, man.
I suppose, at it’s core, it’s like this is your bitchy “Letter To The Editor” or something, right? Ok, fine. Thank you, Lance. I have read your complaint and now I will fold it very neatly back into the shape of a football and flick it into the garbage can.
SUPER!
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DEAR JAMI,
IT IS VERY SAD THAT YOU MUST LOWER YOURSELF TO TALK TO SUCH A GIRL WHO IS RATHER SHALL WE SAY ON THE SIDE OF GOODY GOODY…NO YOU SHOULD BE TALKING TO HER SCHIZOPHERNIC SIDE THAT WOULD I AM SURE TEAR YOU A NEW ONE…OH YEAH YOU ARE TALKING TO HER. TO PUT IT BLUNT HONEY, COMMENTATING IS A WORD…IT MEANS TO COMMENTATE OR TO COMMENT AS IN THE PRESENT TENSE OF THE VERB. SORRY, HONEY BUT YOUR VERB-IAGE IS ON THE WRONG SIDE OF YOUR SMALL PEA BRAIN.
OK SO SHE GOT A LITTLE DRAMATIC ON THE SIDE OF TELLING YOU THAT YOU WERE SLANDERING A MAN THAT ONE YOU DIDNT KNOW HIS NAME, BUT WHAT SHE DIDNT TELL YOU WAS THAT YOUR MAKING FUN OF A MAN WHO NUMBER TWO BARELY EVEN KNOWS YOUR BREATHING LET ALONE CARES. ITS RATHER SAD THAT PEOPLE HAVE TO BE AROUND A WOMAN WHO NEVER GAVE ANYONE A CHANCE TO EXPLAIN THEMSELVES.
BETTER YET, SHALL I TELL YOU TO GO TO ENGLISH CLASS SOMETIME AND UNDERSTAND THAT THE A IN THE ALPHABET NEVER HAD A ACCENT ABOVE IT AND THAT A WITH THE ACCENT WHICH YOU MUST THINK YOUR CANADIAN IS EH WHICH ALSO IF YOU WATCHED BROTHER BEAR YOU WOULD KNOW. ALL IN ALL IN ORDER FOR YOU TO EVEN THINK ABOUT HAVING A WEBSITE THAT DEFAMATES PEOPLE YOU MUST FIRST DEFAMATE YOURSELF BECAUSE TO DIG SO DEEP INTO YOUR OWN SOUL TO DELIVER THAT MUCH MALICE IS FAR BEYOND YOUR VOCABULARY.
OH AND DARLING, IF THAT IS THE WORD I SHOULD USE, SHE DOESNT NEED YOUR FORGIVENESS FOR ANYTHING…YOU NEED TO REAP WHAT YOU SOE…AND ONE DAY YOU WILL…THINK ABOUT HOW EVIL YOU ARE AND THEN COME BACK AND TELL US A STORY ABOUT YOURSELF. WHAT GIVES YOU ANY RIGHT TO DO WHAT YOU DO IS BEYOND ME UNLESS YOU ARE THE EXACT REINCARNATION OF THE DEVIL AND HAVE HIS SAME IMPETUOUS MISDEMEANOR. HOWEVER, SHE WILL FORGIVE YOU FOR EVEN THINKING THAT THE WORLD REVOLVES AROUND YOU…OH AND FOR EVEN THINKING THAT HALF THE PEOPLE READING THIS INCLUDING YOURSELF EVEN HAVE BRAINS…BECAUSE AS WE ALL KNOW EVERYONE WHO COMES TO THIS SITE TO HEAR YOUR RUBBISH REALLY DONT HAVE SUCH GLORIOUS LIVES TO LIVE AS YOU THINK YOU DO AND THEY ARE JUST AS STUPID AND ASININE AS THIS WEBSITE IS.
THANK YOU ALL WHO ARE BRAINLESS AND USELESS TO KEEP THIS ABSURD SITE AFLOAT WHILE THOSE OF US WHO HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO END ON THIS ONE LAST NOTE TO DEMOLISH SUCH BOTCHERY THAT ONE FOOLISH WOMAN THOUGHT EXCITING AND FULL OF EXTRAVAGANT LEISURE.
FAREWELL AND TAATAA…
YOUR DEAR FRIEND LUNA~
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My reply to this post in in blog format on the http://datewrecks.ning.com site — http://datewrecks.ning.com/profiles/blogs/amazing-comment-today-on-the
This might be the best comment I’ve ever received on this blog.
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As someone who has had associations with this guy before, I can tell you that one of the names he goes by on the big, bad web is “Thomas Lance”. Could this be the same Lance who commented here?! One never knows!
Anyways, loved the read, especially since I HAVE come into contact with this person and I know how he can be! It most definitely is a small, small world.
Thanks for keeping me laughing!
-A long-time lurker-
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