He Said – She Said: More Bad Poetry

PC: I love it when themes just present themselves like this. � Jami, you and Miki were so awesome last week with MegaDwarf, I was hoping we could continue with the theme of bad poetry. � Oh, and Miki, you’re the shit. � In your honor, I have procured mass quantities of that dude’s “erotica” through nefarious means involving subterfuge, espionage, and calling in favors with a female consort of mine, an evil chick known as Kato.

Jami: Guys… I got to read some of this stuff and I sent it to Miki, too… It’s… kind of unbelievable. I can’t wait! But you know, Miki’s like… [sneering] in college. Or something. Bettering herself… Or something. So she’s got finals. You guys will just have to wait.

PC: That guy was something else. � Big shocker that he was into Lord Of The Rings, I’m sure his screen name on the fansite is Dildo Douchebaggins. � Anyway, when we revisit this dude, prepare yourself for, God, I don’t even know how to set this one up.

Jami: It’s positively unsetupable.

PC: On to our poet of the week:

sweetsexyness

29 / F / straight / Single

Brookings, Oregon

I am Fun, Loving, and Hopeful.

My Self-Summary

I like to write poetry , Listen to music , dance , hangout , and spend time with my family. I enjoy goin out to the bar having a few drinks with my friends and then gettin my ass on the dance floor! I love the outdoors, camping, swimming up river and just playing outside with my kids. My favorite music is hip-hop/rap and r&b or just anything I can dance too. I also like to read when I have time. My favorite author right now is Danielle Steel. I also love movies and I watch some TV. I like football, boxing and UFC. I am a fun loving chick. I like to have fun. I like to joke around and have a good time. Ive been labeled as a shit talker, a sarcastic bitch, or just a bitch. I take all as a compliment. LOL. I always have to have the last word, I’m always right, so I think, I’m stubborn and hard headed so Ive been told. LOL. I’m always up for fun and having a good time. Love to go out drinkin n dancin when I can. Sometimes Ill just be online with a drink in my hand chillin! I’m really a sweet girl, just lookin for someone special…

What I’m doing with my life

Im just trying to live life to the fullest. Enjoying my family and children. Looking for that special someone to complete my life. Im going to be starting school soon. Ive been divorced for 5yrs and just got out a 5yr relationship so now Im trying to get me back on track.

PC: See, at this point I’m almost encouraged. � She has some productive hobbies, she talks about family and kids, going back to school, and she’s a little bit sassy. � Sure, she likes to have a few drinks, but that’s okay. � So far the most disturbing thing I’ve seen is that she reads Danielle Steel.

Jami: I like sassy. I don’t like Danielle Steel, but at least she didn’t say “no books”… I miss Rosie.

PC: But the poetry, Jami. � She insists upon including her poetry…

What I want………..

I want u 2 taste me,
Just 1 taste n u will see.

PC: Are you 31 flavors and then some?

Jami: FOUL! PARTY FOUL! Don’t you bring Ani into this, PC. I was just giving her credit for knowing how to read… Nevermind.

I got what u need,
U wont be able 2 breathe.

PC: So then, you have my asthma inhaler?

Jami: In… and out… And in… and… Well I think you know where this is going.

U need 2 go down south,
Yea, taste me in ur mouth.

It taste like skittles,
Yea, lick it jus a lil,
Mmm right there in the middle.

PC: “Now take out a stick and whittle, run your bow string across my fiddle, one headlight is called a padiddle, if not guilty expect an acquittal, on your lips I am seeing some spittle…”

Jami: Awwww, shit! It’s Da Pizersonal Crizitic! Rockin’ the ones and twos!

Slide ur tongue right there,
Do it faster if u dare.

U wanna taste me cream,
N listen 2 me scream.

PC: Speaking on behalf of all heterosexual males, no, no we don’t. � And that is based solely on your poetry.

Jami: Vocalizing… That’s okay. But screaming? If I’m screaming and naked, somebody should be calling the cops.

Then suck it like a lemon drop,
Oooo damn baby, dont stop.

Now lick it slow n get a taste,
Mmm its all over ur face!

PC: This is really not so much poetry as pornography that happens to rhyme. � Maybe it’s rap. � Is this rap? � Am I now, or am I about to be “jiggy wit it”?

Jami: Oh, crap. My parents just joined Date Wrecks. /faceslap. Please, please tell me, PC… Please tell me you didn’t just do a little… dance…

Switch it up n lick my clit,
Yea, now rub it jus a lil bit.

Give it jus a lil bite,
Now u doin it jus right.

PC: I’m pretty sure she stole that line from Anais Nin. � Or was it 2 Live Crew?

Jami: She wants someone to bite her clit? Mercy… Maybe you should like… Have a cup of coffee first or something.

Keep it right there for a minute be4 u get up in it.

Imma bout 2 cum,
Now lets have sum fun.

Keep it goin till I burst,
Imma quinch ur thirst.

PC: Thanks, I feel very “quinched”.

Jami: That sounds like it might hurt. Like having someone chomp on my clit.

PC: I’m pretty sure that what follows is the last line of one poem, followed by the title of the next poem, but they go together quite appropriately:

How does that taste?

Just aint right…….

PC: Let’s skip that one, and move on to more of her ever so slightly provocative prose:

U should be touchin this body n feelin this hottie

U need to kiss these lips n touch these hips

Grab this ass n make it last

Put me on all four n Make it hardcore

PC: Ah, romance…

Jami: Wait… Is doggy style considered hardcore now? Mercy…

Run my toungue down ur chest

Run ur toungue all over my breast

PC: That’s right. � Chest rhymes with breast. � Somebody was gonna figure it out eventually, it just happened to be her. � I am so kicking myself for not figuring that one out on my own.

Jami: I love how she said breast… Just one. I’m particularly sensitive to your “toungue” mostly on my left breast.

Go down n spread my thighs wide

Let me feel that sexy toungue glide

Let me feel it slip between my juicy lips

Teasin my clit with ur finger tips

PC: Is this foreplay, or assault? � Am I going to have to testify about this at some point?

Jami: I’m not sure I’ve ever considered a tongue sexy… Much less a toungue… Whatever THAT is.

Let ur toungue discover me

Let my juices flow like a sea

Cum on baby, set me free

My Thirst

I wanna suck ur dick n give a lil lick
Feelin U in my throat deep so that I can taste the heat
Gimmie some cuz I wanna taste ur cum

PC: I’m a little unsure about what she’s leading up to here. � This heat in her throat that she is referencing, is it representative of her unfulfilled dreams? � Is this a metaphor for a woman’s plight, her struggle to be heard? � What is she trying to tell me?

Jami: … Uhm…. She’s telling you to perform oral sex on her, PC.

PC: Actually, she’s saying she wants to perform it on me. And by me, I mean the reader, so pretty much anybody who made it this far into her crappy poetry.

My lips around U tight, U know Imma do it right
Slide my tounge from ur azz, MmMm I wont do it fast
Take ur ballz in my mouth, Imma stay down south
Slide my tounge to ur dick ur as hard as a brick

PC: I believe this is known as “the direct approach”.

Jami: Hard as a brick…. Solid as a… brick. Mmm… Bumpy, gnarly rough BRICKS. That’s the kind of thing I want to picture in my vajay.

Let my tounge tease ur head, lets take it to the bed
Ur in my mouth throbbin while I’m down there bobbin
I wanna feel U cream n listen to U scream
Do it till U burst just to quinch my thirst

PC: I have such fond memories of those last two lines. � You know, from her first poem? � Good times, back then, a few seconds ago.

Jami: [gazes fondly into the sky] Ahh… Memories.

Want U to reach satisfaction just so I can see ur reaction
To make ur dreams real this is how I’ll make U feel ..”””–>

Damn

Want ur naked body layin on the bed cuz I wanna give U some head.
U layin there lookin yummy, Damn I wanna feel U in my tummy.

PC: Oh Jami, if I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard that line…

Jami: Dude. Are you trying to tell me you’re pregnant?

Feelin u in me deep so that I can feel the heat.
Gimmie some action so I can feel satisfaction.

PC: Again with the heat? � This sounds like a serious condition. � I think she has Athlete’s Throat.

Jami: I just choked on my sweet tea. Seriously. Well played, PC… [golf clap]

Doin it 4 bout an hour, Damn U got some sexual power.
Touchin n caressin MmMmMm now I’m undressin ..”””–>

Jami: Wait… NOW she’s undressing? I can’t keep track. I thought PC was munching her carpet already?? What kind of clothes ARE you wearing…?

This is How It Goes……….

Im so tired of just being me,

Jami: Try a multiple personality! I’ve heard they’re super!

PC: Any personality other than this one would be an improvement

It seems I always end up sad n lonely.
Will this shit ever end?
Will my heart ever mend?
Will I always be broken?
Im always lookin 4 Mr.Right,
Will I ever have him in my sight?
Im tired of all these damn men!
Theyre all a fuckin sin!
Will I ever find the 1 for me?
Will I always just be sad n lonely?

Jami: Here’s some real woman-to-woman advice, darling… And this is coming from someone who REALLY enjoys sex… STOP TALKING ABOUT YOUR FUCKING DRIPPY CUNT. Maybe that will improve the men you’ll attract into your life. I’ve got a DVD you should watch… It’s called The Secret.

PC: And I have some deodorant for you. It’s called Secret.

People wonder why Im such a bitch,
Its cuz Im tired of all the shit!
When will my life begin?
Maybe when Im done waiting on men.
Its seems I always need a man near,
What is that I really fear?
I hate 2 be alone,

Jami: Entering from stage left, a long line of abusive and manipulative men ready to exploit your low self esteem and dwindling worth!

PC: I just don’t understand why men can’t be more respectful of someone with the depth of character to write a line like “Grab this ass n make it last”.

Always want 2 be cought up in a love zone.
It feels so good when Im in it,
Feels like a race n Im about to win it.
The feelin seems so real but its not,
Its just the way I deal.
The way I deal with the lonelyness,
Its all goes away with just 1 kiss.
In the morning it starts all over again,
I relize my life may never mend.
So I close my eyes n cry

Jami: Aww… I just want to hug her. Then grab her by the shoulders and like… HEAD BUTT her. “Bitch, shut the fuck up!”

PC: I want to know what she cough’t up in the love zone. Wait, no, I don’t.

Ur Gonna….

U never had a girl like me,
When Im done Im gonna have u like “oohhwee”.

PC: On a side note, her milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like “Thank you ma’am, that was a very tasty milkshake.” � Or something like that.

Jami: Ok… Now this time, I really hope you were dancing. Oh, I would give anything to see you dance to that song. PLEASE! Christmas is coming and you NEVER did get me a birthday present… Or pay for those Date Wrecks shirts you ordered. YOU OWE ME.

Ur gonna need it like a bad habit,
Gonna have u actin like an addict.

PC: In the immortal words of Robert Palmer, might as well face it, you’re addicted to love. � Or, if your name is Ted, might as well face it, you’re a dick, Ted, to love.

Jami: It’s romantic, isn’t it? Picturing some guy tweaking out over you… Committing crimes just so he can get near you… It’s all so very romantic.

Gonna have u so twisted,
When its gone ur gonna miss this.

Ill b the best uve had,
When Im actin so damn bad.

PC: Yeah, yeah, I know, you’re crazy bitch, but you fuck so good I’m on top of it, I know. � These are all just recycled song lyrics.

Jami: I’m impressed, PC. Verily. Muchly so.

PC: You should see my milkshake.

Turn off the lights n lets get right,
C’mon, we can do it all night.

Lookin….

Im lookin 4 my heart, my soul, someone 2 make me feel whole.
Im ready 4 my love story 2 begin, I dont want it to ever end.
When will my love story start? Will I always have a broken heart?
I need a man 2 help me heal. I need a man 2 help me feel…. again.
My heart is so empty and cold. I really just need a man 2 hold……..

Jami: Darlin’, I want to introduce you to a man named Jeez-zus.

PC: You’re thinking of Barry Gibb.

Jami: PC, I’m 28. I can assure you, I was not. I’m too young.

PC: What, like you went to spin class with Jesus or something. He only preceded the Bee Gees by a coupla thousand years or so.

Jami: I fold.

Long Time……..

Its been along time, What u got in mind?

Jami: Really, I just want to run your entire body through a spell check. Head.to.toe.

Need u 2 make love 2 my mind be4 we grind cuz its been along time.

Jami: So… he should put the penis in your ear? Kinky. Woah.

PC: The original mindfuck.

I need u 2 touch me gently be4 u enter me cuz its been along time, what u got in mind?

I need u 2 be easy n slow be4 I give u my show cuz its been along time since Ive grind.

Im the type of girl 2 make u say “ooohhh” so just wait n go slow….

Jami: RIGHT. That’s the bottom line here folks… She just wants to take it niiiice and slow. This is getting unbearable. We may just have to cut some of this shit. I’m not sure I can handle much more of this.

Been Hurt

I want u here, I want u near.
I know youve been hurt and walked all over like dirt.
I wont be the one to do u like that again. With me your heart will never be broken.
Ill be the one to give u my all, Ill be by your side with just one call.
Ill always be there for u, My love for u will always be true.
I want u to open up to me, U can trust me u will see.
If you would just open up your heart and soul I could be the one to make your life whole.
Baby we can do this, We already had it with the 1st kiss.

Jami: Aww… It sounds like a Miley Cyrus song. Quite a leap from the clit-nibbling shit from earlier. Maybe she DID take my advice on the whole multiple personalities thing. Seriously, I can’t keep going. I don’t have any more in me, PC.

PC: That’s okay, the readers bailed out a long time ago, we’re just talking to each other.

Jami: Oh, thank god. How you doin’?

From The Vault