PC: Hey Jami, you know how I know when we have a good candidate for HSSS?
Jami: When I email you and say, “Hey, this is what we’re writing about this week.”?
PC: When I can’t decide which is worse, the picture or the written profile. Â Gold. Â Fricken gold.
one_sapien
47 / M / straight / Single
Arkdale, Wisconsin
PC: I didn’t even know you could have a passport photo taken at a Molly Hatchet concert.
Jami: NO! Turn around, asshole! Go TOWARD the light. Jesus. I have to do everything around here.
PC: Then again, it is comforting to know he’s properly caged.
Jami: …ooooooveralls. Seriously… OVERALLS. [silent prayer thanking the good lawd for making me a city girl]
My Self Summary
Older Wolf/Dog free to a good home. May need some miscellaneous training because he likes to get dirty. He also likes walks and runs in mountainous woods, peeing on trees, swimming in lakes and streams, and sniffing, licking, and eating enticing and interesting objects. Likes puppies and kids, but doesn’t get along with those who don’t know when to put their tail down and be submissive. Sometimes jumps, likes tummy rubs, sleeps almost anywhere, is usually quiet except when strangers enter his space, but doesn’t hump legs, often.
PC: This is me swatting you on the nose with a rolled up newspaper. Â “No! Â Bad dog! Â No associating sex with animals, or peeing, or kids! Â No!”
Jami: Anybody want to email him and work out an elaborate audition tape that includes him on all fours pretending to be a dog? Anybody else a little freaked out about how incredible good he would be at this?
Interested parties should send pictures of yard/woods/mountains, bed, and legs. Oh, and a picture of your face so he can recognize you will help too. Also include proposed negotiation for sleeping and eating arrangements, as these may be a possible waver for stud fees.
PC: Yeah. Â Because that’s gonna happen.
Jami: Of course he wants pictures of the legs… Gotta see the humpin’ goods. But yea, oh… Whatever, your face, sure, okay. You can see her face when you’re fucking doggy style anyway, right? Did he just say STUD FEES? Do I get a discount on the stud fees if you spend ten minutes wrestling your overalls off your body?
PC: He meant STDs. The only thing missing is U.
P.S. He has some four legged friends that will accompany him.
P.P.S. I live in a ‘real’ log cabin, not one of those expensive prefab ones, and it is surrounded by various pines on a hill. I’m a philosopher, a realist, a poet, and sometimes howl at the Moon.
PC: Log cabin? Â I’m picturing a hollowed out tree trunk.
Jami: I guess ‘real’ means ‘cheap’…? Next, he’ll be like, “The heat in my house isn’t ‘hot’ but it’s REAL.”
I’ve posted some poems in my journal and I’ll post more when I feel like it. Go read them now and comment if you feel moved to do so. Maybe I’ll even reply to your comment.
Jami: OMG. I totally didn’t even SEE that he had journal entries. Squee!
PC: I almost forgot that we were continuing our bad poetry theme. Â Go. Â Read. Â Enjoy. Â Bring a sick bag. Â “He Who Walks With The Wolf And Is The Wolf”
Jami: Bring a … doggy bag?
PC: Don’t make me get my rolled up newspaper Jami.
I have a myspace page where I post some of my poetry and pics of some of my Wolf-Dogs. You’ll have to email me for the address.
PC: Myspace. Â Home of poetry, and pics of Wolf-Dogs.
Jami: What do you know! Another forty plus motherfucker on MySpace. Listen, okay… If you are on MySpace, just stop it already. “But my music player!” SHUT THE FUCK UP.
PC: This message brought to you by Twitter. Incidentally, follow me on Twitter. I’d tell you how, but I actually have no idea what Twitter is, or why I’m on it.
Jami: *ahem* He’s @PersonalsCritic…
Who I’m looking for
I’m looking for a co-creator, my Anam Cara, a woman who wants to be my friend first, and more if we both feel the same about each other. A woman to be my equal, although sometimes I’ll lead, and when she’s good maybe I’ll let her lead.
If you don’t know what an “Anam Cara” is, google it, or send me a message and I’ll send you a short excerpt I have.
Jami: [googling Anam Cara] *ahem* “Anam Cara, Gaelic for “soul friend,” is an ancient journey down a nearly forgotten path of wisdom into what it means to be human.” Oh FUCK. He’s probably also a Ren-Faire Freak.
You must love LARGE dogs too.
Ow Ow Owoo! I can hear them howling now. LOL
PC: I am currently holding the pointed end of a pencil up to my ear, could somebody just go ahead and drive it home for me?
Jami: Is he talking about his panty puppy? (*whispers to PC* his cock?!) Or his actual large dog?
I have a long term plan for my life which I live each day and I’m looking for that special girl who wants to join me. Living our lives and raising a family close to the Earth, and growing and raising as much of our own food with as small a footprint as possible. If you can’t picture working in a garden, heating with wood, solar power/off-grid(in the near future) using a compost/sawdust toilet or an outhouse look elsewhere. Note: I actually have and use a toilet and septic system.
PC: See, this is what I’m doing wrong Jami. Â I’ll bet the women would just throw themselves at my feet if I tempted them with the possibility of sharing a sawdust toilet with me.
Jami: I can’t say the idea of living with a small footprint isn’t a bit appealing. As someone who is down with takin’ care of the planet, I think this is a great idea. Growing and canning vegetables, crackling fireplaces, dodging taxes — all of that sounds GREAT! I will not EVER shit in a sawdust toilet. There is no fucking way.
I won’t use what I don’t ‘need’ so there will be something left for future generations. I’m living for a sustainable future.
I have what I ‘need’ and have let go of most of my ‘wants’. So, I do not require any, what I call “little penis toys” to sooth my ego.
PC: Uh, Jami? Â What’s a penis toy?
Jami: Um, you know… It’s like the kind of thing you buy your penis for Christmas… So it has like… something to play with. [shrug] I don’t speak dawg.
Note: Just because your picture may be intriguing doesn’t mean I’ll message you. I’ll read your profile, determine if you have the required depth, and then decide if your worth some of my valuable time.
PC: Okay, I’m making a list now. Â Hideous photo, check. Â Sawdust toilet, check. Â Arrogant presumption, check check check.
Jami: I want to know what qualifies as ‘intriguing’ on his part for a picture… A shiny coat? Healthy teeth?
Additionally, make sure you read the info. in the “You should Message me if” section!
Question : If most guys think with their dick, do most women think with their clit? Be honest!
PC: I actually try to think with a different part of my anatomy each day. Â Tomorrow I’m thinking with my spleen.
Jami: Oh for fuck’s sake! Yes, wolfman, YES. I think with my clit. It tells me all the things I should do in a day.
I’m much deeper than that, and prefer to know a woman at greater depth before I will decide if she qualifies (passes some of my tests) as someone who I’d like to know on a sexually intimate level.
PC: Jami, I’m gonna go ahead and speak for all womankind here, if you don’t mind. Â (Taps the microphone.) Fuck you dude.
Jami: You haven’t showered in what? Weeks? Months? And you’re going to be administering tests? I hope you crack a window or something.
I’m really good at
Being’ with dogs (they think I’m one of them, because I probably look like one, and sometimes smell like one too.
PC: A hundred bucks says those dogs have coughed up hairballs that were not their hair.
Jami: Ten to one, he’s fucked one of them before.
psychology, high intuitiveness/sensing how others feel, communicating on a feeling level while maintaining rationality, computers, dry humor, and I’m a great listener. I’ll actually repeat what you’ve said if I’m not sure I understood what you’re trying to say.
PC: Yeah, I’ll bet that’s not at all condescending and irritating.
The first thing people usually notice about me
My Blue-Green Eyes and calming voice.
PC: Also, my decidedly canine odor.
Jami: I’m pretty sure it’s going to be the fact that you have fourteen pounds of hair coming out of your head and NONE OF IT IS COMING OUT OF THE TOP OF YOUR HEAD. That’s the first thing I’d notice. And then, yes, followed by the wet-dog stink coming from said hair.
I spend a lot of time thinking about
Why people do what they do and say what they say. How to help myself and others heal from unresolved psychic/emotional trauma. Why most men are obsessed with the size of their cocks, but women never brag how big their cookie is.
PC: Cookie. Â He called it a cookie.
Jami: … Ladies, if your cookie looks like it’s got chocolate chips, get it checked out. However, if there are nuts in your cookie, you’re fine.
PC: I can’t decide if I’m hungry or horny.
On a typical Friday night I am
At home playing with my Wolf-Dogs, surfing the internet, or chatting with friends on a forum I frequent. Better than wasting time getting turned off at a bar with a bunch of drunks.
PC: Hey look, we found the last guy who still trolls chatrooms.
Jami: Even better, here’s a hairy, socially awkward dude who likely visits Ren Faires and is closer to his dogs than anyone else on the planet and GUESS WHAT? He’s at home on a Friday night… doing nothing. Suh-prize.
The most private thing I’m willing to admit here
I used to be a drunk when I was in college. I’ve been sober over 23 years, since Dec. of 1985. Therefore, I live a brutally honest life. If you don’t want to hear the truth, you won’t want to be my friend.
PC: Hey Jami, picture yourself curling up in bed with this guy, and you’re both stone sober. Â Go ahead, I dare you.
Jami: Why would you do that to me, PC? That is just unfair. You know we write these posts in the evenings and I’m going to be crawling into my bed in just a little while and everytime one of my own stray hairs touches my shoulder or my arms, I’m going to leap up and swat at my skin like I’m covered with ants now. Thanks. Thanks a fucking heap.
Two of my Wolf-Dogs sleep near or next to me. So, if in the future you have any interest in getting close to me you’ll have to be accepted by them. The Alpha male loves people, but the Alpha female; she protects her family, and well you know what women can be like.
PC: Yeah, women. Â Constantly sniffing my crotch, and tugging on their leashes, and licking their own butts.
Jami: Ohh, yes! She’s a crazy bitch! And of course the dogs sleep next to you! How else are you going to have sex with them!?
Oh, and I’m a little crazy. Shut up! You weren’t supposed to say that! You just ruined everything! Piss off! What? What did you just say to me? You heard me. I can say whatever I want too. The others don’t care, so why should you.
PC: If you use LOL in any context whatsoever other than a chat or text message, you are a douche. Â Actually, even in those instances, you’re still a douche. Â Everybody, stop LOLing. Â Right now.
Jami: I’m mostly laughing at the fact that he’s imagining some woman reading through all the dog metaphors and getting to the line, “I’m a little crazy,” and throwing their hands up in the air. “Oh fuck it! Nevermind! He said he’s crazy – I’m outta here.” But kudos to him for demonstrating in a really concise paragraph just how crazy he is by HAVING AN ARGUMENT WITH HIMSELF. Nicely done.
PC: No Jami, that was supposed to be humor. He was making a joke. See, he called himself crazy, then pretended to have an argument with himself. Ah, subtlety.
Update Aug. 2008. I lost my oldest Wolf-Dog Merlin. He was 13-1/2 and my best friend. Helped me through a lot of crap over the years. Now you’ll only have to get past Abbey to get in my pants. LOL
PC: Oh, hey look, I found some more vomit. Â It was down there with the bile. Â Super.
Jami: Thanks for updating your profile a YEAR AGO. Also, thanks for totally dishonoring Merlin like that man… I mean, you miss your dog and then you just cheapen it all by talking about how his WIFE blocks your cock. Have a little respect!
You should message me if
Send me an email if you enjoy anything of the things I’ve written here. If you’re not afraid of talking with an honest man who does not play games. Life is too important to waste it messing with people’s heads, their emotions, and/or their lives.
PC: Actually, messing with people’s heads, emotions, and/or lives is pretty much the most important part of my life.
Jami: [internet high five]
If you know how to type and spell WITHOUT replacing letters with numbers and symbols. It shows how influenced you are by trends and fads, and is something that turns me OFF in less than a heartbeat. Even if you look like a super model, this lack of true participation in REAL communication shows your shallowness, or at least you’re very lazy about how you communicate with people.
PC: Says the guy who peppers his post with LOLs.
Jami: And howls at moons.
I walk my own path and prefer a woman who does the same.
PC: Jami, how many roads must a man go down, before he knows he’s a man?
Jami: [eyeroll] Again with the super old music, PC. I’m going to tie you down and make you listen to Top 40.
If you’d like to know my given Native American name.
PC: Combs With A Rake.
Jami: I can’t beat that. I just tried typing six different things here, but I’m stumped. You beat me, PC.
If you’d like to know my myspace address where I post my poetry.
Jami: I can’t believe I just spent ten minutes trying to find this guy on MySpace. UGH. I did find this guy though which… I mean, that’s just funny.
NOTE: Don’t contact me if you’re politically correct, a bible thumper, from the extreme right, or a screaming left wing liberal who wants to save the world. You can’t save people who don’t want to be, or don’t need to be saved! Nor can you save them from their own stupidity, self-imposed ignorance, or their denial of reality! GET OVER IT! Live your own life.
Jami: In a van… Down by the river… With your wolf-dogs.
All you can do is live by example, and those who are open minded will learn from you.
If I had my choice, the world would be more like it is portrayed in Star Trek. However, the people of this planet have not outgrown their pettiness when it comes to religion, greed, and politics. Only when they out grow their own personal insecurities will we be able to live without abuse, crime, and wars.
PC: He’s a Trekkie. Â Shocking. Â Now you know why he looks like a Tribble with male pattern baldness.
Jami: I’m WAY too cool to know what a Tribble is.
Now go look in the mirror and tell yourself “self, you gotta stop being so serious.” Then tell your dog that he/she should stop farting when friends visit. LOL
PC: Then get a stepladder, climb it, and jump repeatedly into your ceiling fan.
Jami: Thump, thump, thump, thump, thump….
