Plenty Of Fish + Craigslist Crazies + Date Wrecks = <3
Craigslist Crazies — By Jami on December 14, 2009 at 1:19 am
There isn’t anything that pleases me any more than someone with a Craigslist posting and a picture from Plenty of Fish. It’s like, you know they probably started out on eHarmony but got discouraged by the questionnaire. Then they moved over to Match.com and actually paid for a dating site only to realize that they weren’t having luck there. So, it’s off to OkCupid next, where, I mean, it’s free! But he ran into some problems over there as well, so he resigned himself to settling for Plenty of Fish.
Then, and only then — after such a dubious online dater has exhausted all other possible options — does he resort to posting on Craigslist, lookin’ fer lurve.
Heaven forbid someone actually like, attempt to meet someone in a normal public setting! Online dating isn’t for everyone — and when I say this, I’m not only saying that to the people who aren’t comfortable with online dating, but I’m mostly saying that to the people who are terribly unsuccessful at it. Something about YOU prevents people from emailing you and prevents them from asking you out and is categorically cock blocking all your efforts. If you are emailing people online and you haven’t had a date and you’ve been at it for six months, it’s time to just g’head and try something different. PLEASE! I implore you — don’t let yourself fall victim to this food-chain tragedy. If you find yourself hopelessly posting for love on Craigslist, find a friend or a family member to talk to… You don’t have to go through this alone.
Aaaaaaanyway, back to the wreck at hand. Here’s anuthur poor spellur but he makes me seem like a fucking rocket surgeon. I think there might be another Date Wrecks shirt design in here somewhere.
WIFE WANTED – 45 (HAVERHILL)
THATS RIGHT WIFE WANTED YOU SEE LIFE IS WAY TO SHORT I’M 45 MY LIFE IS HALF OVER
SO I’M MARRIAGE MINDED BUT SHE MUST HAVE FAITH IN GOD IT’S A MUST
I’M 5’6 250 LONG SOFT BROWN HAIR IN THE WINTERS I TEND TO GROW A BEARD
I’M SELF EMPLOYED MOST OF MY LIFE I WORKED FOR SOME BODY AND SEEMED TO GET NO WHERE
ME AND MATH DO DANCE WELL TOGETHER YOU COULD SAY IM BOOK STUPID BUT COMMEN SENSE WATCH OUT!!!
MY INTEREST’S INCLUDE MUSIC IV BEN PLAYING GUITAR FOR 28 YEARS NEVER LEARNED TO READ MUSIC
IT WAS A GIFT FROM GOD THAT I WAS ABLE TO PICK IT RIGHT UP BY ERE AND I HAVE THOUGHT PEOPLE TO PLAY ALSO
AND MOTORCYCLES ARE A LOVE OF MINE IV BEN RIDING SINCE I WAS 8 JUST ABOUGHT EVERY THING I KNOW WAS SELF THOUGHT
I’M SOBER DRUG FREE HAPPY LAID BACK I’M A THINKER EVER SINCE I WAS A KID I THOUGHT OF HOW TO MAKE MONEY
INSTEAD OF FOOLISHLY BLOWING IT AND WRITING ABILITY’S ARE POOR SO WHAT IM LOOKING FOR IS A CHRISTIAN WOMAN
TO JOIN ME IN LIFE’S JOURNEY SOME ONE TO HELP ME WITH BOOK WORK MUSIC AND RIDING MOTORCYCLES
SO IF YOUR A GOOD HEARTED CHRISTIAN WOMAN WHERE YOU BEN ALL MY LIFE MY NAME IS BILL
*gulp*
My favorite Bill The Idiut outtakes:
“I’M SELF EMPLOYED MOST OF MY LIFE I WORKED FOR SOME BODY AND SEEMED TO GET NO WHERE”
Submitted for your approval, Bill, I think it’s sentences like this that have kept you from a successful career.
“YOU COULD SAY IM BOOK STUPID BUT COMMEN SENSE WATCH OUT!!!”
Yes… Commen sense is literally like a god damn curve ball coming at you, man. I get it. Totes. And, also, yes… I’m on board with calling you ‘book stupid’ as well.
“JUST ABOUGHT EVERY THING I KNOW WAS SELF THOUGHT”
This is the one that I think should be up for voting on the next batch of shirts — by the way, did you buy a shirt yet? You should.
“I’M A THINKER”
[insert guffaw]
Also, it should be mentioned that the only punctuation used in Bill’s ad are a couple of apostrophes, mostly used incorrectly, and a little cluster of exclamation points, midway. Bless his heart. I mean, BLESS HI’S HART!!!!
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38 Comments
I don’t think that picture is really him. He said he’s 5’6″ and 250… think about that. He should be quite a bit rounder than he looks in that picture. Not that anyone will get past his atrocious profile to find out.
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Maybe he’s got a 15″ front-gut… OR maybe he’s got a thick and heavy ass?
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I suppose my evil atheism scares this “prized gem” away.
Self-employed? Sounds more like too lazy to get a real job.
I love how he claims to be a musician but never read music after 28 years of playing. WTF much? He must be one of those people that reads tabs and claims to be a good musician. Don’t get me wrong. There’s nothing wrong with tabs. I just hate that people who can ONLY read tabs claim to be talented musicians.
Sounds like he’s looking for a secretary or something, someone he can serenade by playing the latest Underoath tabs or something.
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I just picture him listening to this song.. skip to around 9:19 for the good part, but, listening to the whole thing makes for plenty of lulz.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EUDPo21Bdd4
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I kind of doubt Jimi Hendrix read either.
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I completely disagree. You don’t need to be able to read music to be a good musician. wth.
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“TO JOIN ME IN LIFE’S JOURNEY SOME ONE TO HELP ME WITH BOOK WORK MUSIC AND RIDING MOTORCYCLES”
Am I the only one who got a mental image of a Lifetime movie?
“Wife Wanted”
A headstrong kindergarten teacher falls for a biker with a gruff exterior. She helped him learn to read… he helped her learn to love.”
Starring Meredith Baxter Burney and Nick Nolte
Sunday @ 8, right before Army Wives
Super Lurve
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WRITING ABILITY’S ARE POOR SO WHAT IM LOOKING FOR IS A CHRISTIAN WOMAN TO JOIN ME IN LIFE’S JOURNEY
can anyone explain the relation? is the woman meant to write for him? is she.. i have no clue.
Props, Jami. I sent it in, and even I couldn’t parse through it.
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“SHE MUST HAVE FAITH IN GOD IT’S A MUST”
Faith that God will transmogrify Bill into someone acceptable?
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YOU COULD SAY IM BOOK STUPID BUT COMMEN SENSE WATCH OUT!!!
I think this would be a great t shirt. It makes me laugh every time i read it. I dont quite trust the whole not doing drugs thing he talks about. I mean look at how he writes.
Super Lurve
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Yeah, I’m guessing he wasn’t always clean and sober…
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“I’M 5′6 250 LONG SOFT BROWN HAIR IN THE WINTERS”
But hey baby, in the summertime my hair is hard.
Super Lurve
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“I’M 5′6 250 LONG SOFT BROWN HAIR IN THE WINTERS I TEND TO GROW A BEARD”
I think there was supposed to be some sort of punctuation between ‘hair’ and ‘in’ …possibly a period?
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maybe a dash!
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It’s too bad that written English didn’t just come to him by ere, too. And I love that he has thought people to play guitar as well. I’ve thought people to do a lot of things, but it has never actualized. Maybe I need to get thought lessons from him.
(BWHAHAH – I corrected it, but originally typed lessons as lesions. Might also be accurate!)
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After all, he does say that he’s a thinker.
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“45 MY LIFE IS HALF OVER SO I’M MARRIAGE MINDED” — that’s a cheerful way of kicking things off. Might as well open with:
Midway along the journey of our life
I awoke to find myself in a dark wood
For I had wandered off of the true path.
Also, dude: WIFE WANTED? Don’t you want a girlfriend first, then maybe a fiancee? Guys like you are why women accuse me of being “afraid of commitment” because I don’t pop the question until the second date.
Super Lurve
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“JUST ABOUGHT EVERY THING I KNOW WAS SELF THOUGHT”
This statement is pure Zen.
Super Lurve
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I can’t help but imagine him speaking like this in real life, too. “HI HOW ARE YOU DOING LETS GO GET SOME STEAK WAIT WHERE ARE YOU GOING NO IM NOT SHOUTING”
When people write things like this, I wonder if they ever, ever go back and read it over again and say WTF?!
Super Lurve
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lol.. I know my one friend doesn’t. He both writes like that AND talks like that in real life. Honestly, it can really get on my nerves sometimes, but, he’s a cool guy regardless.
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Somebody PLEASE tell me…what the FUCK is with Plenty of Fish guys and motorcycles? Is it like, a requirement, or something?
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I know! I’ve had some guy that wanted to take me riding on a motorcycle. He was too old and had no picture, though, so I had no interest.
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I think I have figured out why he is so desperate for a wife. I think he may be pregnant, for I noticed he missed a few periods.
And that may be the strangest grammar joke I’ve ever told.
Super Lurve
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That joke was full of win.
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Seriously. That one made me cock my head and then I couldn’t stop giggling. For like… ten minutes.
Even now, I’m still smiling.
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That joke was amazing!
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When he states “IM BOOK STUPID BUT COMMEN SENSE WATCH OUT!!!” all I could think of was that joke that goes -
Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart”.
Super Lurve
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I WAS ABLE TO PICK IT RIGHT UP BY ERE
I read this and had to squint, kind of look at my screen sideways and start sounding out: here? errrr? error?
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my favorite? “…AND I HAVE THOUGHT PEOPLE TO PLAY ALSO…” he really IS talented!
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That’s it. After the week I’ve had, I’m ready to answer his ad, jump on the back of his bike, and spend my life telling him what “that word” is.
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I read the last line kinda like Tarzan. Me Tarzan, you Jane. You Ben, all my life my name is Bill.
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Ahh, so that’s what happened to Bill and Ben the Flowepot Men after the BBC dropped the series. Bill took up the guitar and motorcycles. Did Ben go into flower arranging I wonder?
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I believe his repeated references to IVs mean he has a really good health insurance plan. That makes him a great catch in these trying times.
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So is picking up his gift from God by ere and thinking other people to play a kind of euphemism for-…I just made myself throw up.
You know what, Jami? You’re right. Excuse me a minute…
*Deletes OKCupid profile and destroys any evidence of ever having tried online dating aside from this confession*
Oh MAN, Jami! That feels so much better! I’m free! Thanks a lot.
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What’s wrong with this?
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Ear. He misspelled ear. It’s a three-letter word! Aaaauuuugh…
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So, we have here a guy going through mid-life crisis. Losing his hair in front, but “rebelliously” growing it out in back? Check. Ape-hangers that haven’t been “bad” since 1968? Check. Picture that doesn’t reveal his massive (I’m hypothesizing) beer gut? Check. I’m a little surprised he wasn’t wearing a bandana/doo-rag/old German Army helmet, but then again, maybe not. It takes “commen sense” to wear head protection on a bike if you don’t want to be an organ donor. Maybe he’s waiting to learn that lesson by being “self thought’.
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