So, I’m sure at some point, you’ve read through something here and been like, “Wait… I’ve done that. Oh shit. Am I a Date Wreck?” It’s okay. Don’t panic!
Here’s the tell-tale way you can tell that you’re a motherfucking Date Wreck — two different people submit your profile to me with equally disturbing stories… AND… I’ve got my own personal encounter with this jackass… AND one of my friends also had a run-in.
Markx2, you my friend, are a hopeless Date Wreck. Mark is a cute guy, there’s nothing really immediately disarming about his profile… But his social skills are…
Well… It’s guys like this that cause girls to turn off their IM applications when they’re logged into their dating site.
The story goes like this:
markx2:you’re kewt
Me:kewt?
markx2:cute.
Me:you’re 31
Me:don’t talk like that, man.
markx2:i’ll talk however i want.
Me:maybe you’re seeing a younger demographic?
Me:say… 12 year olds?
markx2:maybe you’re being a rude bitch.
markx2:i’m just trying to say hi.
Me:yea, i am kind of a bitch.
markx2:fuck it. pointless. sorry to bother you.
Me:bye
markx2:nice
markx2:great attitude.
Me:i never said i had one.
[insert five minute time lapse]
markx2:hey.
markx2:come on.
markx2:ok…
markx2:i’m sorry.
markx2:bye.
[five minutes turns into ten minutes]
markx2:whats wrong with you?
markx2:i mean… so mean? why?
Me:i don’t think you guys understand the barrage of really stupid messages girls receive.
markx2:enlighten me.
Me:i’ve got a 19 year old dude, emailing me in text speak, talking about the various ways he wants to fuck me.
markx2:nice.
markx2:good times.
Me:earlier, a man addressed me as “ms pretty eyes” eight times in his opening email.
Me:and if you recall
markx2:lol
Me:you emailed me
Me:“oh hai”
Me:and i didn’t answer
Me:because what the heck do you SAY to that?
markx2:so?
markx2:that’s a good opener.
Me:did it work?
markx2:obviously.
Me:whatever dude.
Me:it didn’t.
Me:it really didn’t
markx2:guess what?
markx2:i don’t care.
Me:right
Dude peeped my profile a few more times but nothing new cropped up there. I was exponentially annoyed that he used the word “kewt” — I rank that up there with “cool beans” AKA “things my mom says.”
But I dismissed it from my memory and went on with my regularly scheduled life program.
Until… Two or three weeks later, I was talking with my friend Doug (who I met on OkStupid and who is an amazing person and has become a fast friend) and he was telling me that one of his friends had a Date Wreck for me. I giggled with anticipation and waited to see what I’d get in my inbox.
So I get this email from Claire –
OMG!!!!!!!!! KILL STABBITY STAB.
Mark – ok here’s what happened;
We started with the IM’s and all that. Whatever. I just got out of a relationship so … you know how it is. On the phone he would say “I really like you, Clarie. Claire? Clairey-bird? Would you be my girlfriend? I’d be really good to you” – uh ok.
So we meet. He’s NOT 6’2″. Says I look good but he’s usually into thinner girls (gee thanks, fuckwad). We get trashed at this bar in town. When the check rolls around he doesn’t have enough money to pay for the bill so… there I go again.
He’s far too drunk to drive so I let him crash. I wake him up and he starts begging me to be his girlfriend. “PLEASE Claire PLEASE give me a chance” – uh ok drunkie.
And no, I would not let him poke me.
So after he leaves he’s all up on the IM. He’ll show me a picture of a girl, ask me my opinion of her then say “I fucked her”. I’m not sure if he said you were someone he fucked though, so don’t quote me. I DO remember seeing your face. You could’ve been the one he just wanted my opinion on.
He just got to be too mean. He’d say some really nasty things to me and I just had it, so I blocked him. The boy has some serious issues for sure.
And he was SUCH a dick to you on IM! I’m sure all the girls he said he slept with never met him at all.
pathetic!
Did you catch that? Claire RECOGNIZED ME, likely because either a) I’m famous (lulz) or b) Mark tossed up my picture among several pictures of women that he claimed to have conquered. HI-larious. I have had sex with some dudes that, in hindsight, I really should have thought better of… But I can say with unrelenting integrity, guys… I didn’t fuck Markx2. And, frankly, I’m a bit irritated that he’s slandering my GOOD WHOLESOME FUCKING NAME. *ahem* Heh.
So, I’ve been meaning to write this post up for a while but it’s like… Whatever I’ve been busy or something. I mean, Atlanta is probably one of the most incestuous big cities you’ll ever live in. People know people everywhere. But then…
GET THIS.
Oh you thought I was finished, but I’m not.
I get an email from Stephanie with an entire write up about, guess who? Markx2. And yup, he’s being a jackass again. Brilliant.
I just has a wonderful conversation with a gentlemen on okcupid. He thinks he is a very funny guy, not so much. Here is the instant messenger conversation I had with him.
markx2:that’s what she said.
markx2:you have large breasts.
stephanie:wow, what a great line
stephanie:How far do you get with that
markx2:lol
markx2:not very far.
stephanie:that’s hilarious
markx2:thanks.
stephanie:I’m sure you’ll impress a lot of chicks with that
markx2:i thought i’d take a shot in the dark. =P
markx2:hahahaha
stephanie:Yeah
stephanie:You are made of so much awesome sauce
stephanie:not
markx2:hahahahaha
markx2:it was a joke calm down take a midol.
stephanie:Seriously?
markx2:SRSLY.
markx2:SHOT THRU THE HEART AND YOU’RE TO BLAME, YOU GIVE LOVE A BAD NAME!
stephanie:Its been so great talking to you, umm yeah so before I go, I recommend you check out datewrecks.com
markx2:*guitar riff*
stephanie:Because you never know, you might end up on there, tootles
markx2:whatever bitch. learn to laugh.
markx2:like i would waste my time on a fatass like you.
stephanie:Wow, please give me more
stephanie:this is great
stephanie:I’m a fat bitch now
stephanie:awesome
stephanie:that makes my day
markx2:not now. probably always.
markx2:=D
stephanie:Yeah, sure, okay
stephanie:A girl isn’t interested, so you get all whiny
stephanie:whatever
markx2:oh please.
markx2:if i was interested would i have approached you like that?
markx2:think about it.
stephanie:So, let me get this right, you’re interested in me, so you IM me with a large breasts message
markx2:look, drop it.
markx2:it was a joke i was trying to make you laugh.
markx2:you don’t have a sense of humor.
markx2:lets drop it.
stephanie:Well, you kinda of went about the wrong way
markx2:goodbye.
stephanie:tootles
markx2:later porkchop.
Wow… He’s a charmer, isn’t he?? Porkchop?
So I’m talking to my friend Sarah tonight and she’s on OkStupid, too… So, just on a whim, while I was writing up this post, I asked her if she had any exchanges with this character…
He gets around, for sure. Their initial conversation was kind of okay — a playful exchange. But then… Things went downhill:
Sarah:hey there
markx2:hai
Sarah:o hai!
markx2:OH HAI DER
Sarah:mwrawr
Sarah:what’s shakin?
markx2:nuffin
markx2:i’m loneeesommmeee!
Sarah:awwws
Sarah:poor okcupid boy
markx2:yeah i know.
markx2:poor me.
Sarah:maybe obvious but um why are you so lonesome?
markx2:cause i got no girlfriend stupid.
Sarah:well you seem cute enough..you shouldn’t have a problem finding one lol
markx2:its harder than all that.
Sarah:are you secretly a douchebag inside a cute boy’s body or somefin?
markx2:no, but that has nothing to do with it.
Sarah:ah
Sarah:then how is it harder?
Sarah:(that’s what SHE said)
markx2:heh
markx2:nice
Sarah:i try heh
markx2:lets have secks
markx2:=O
Sarah:heh
Sarah:somebody didn’t read my proooooofile
markx2:why?
Sarah:i’m not that kind of okcupid grrl 
Oh, Mark… Marky Marky Mark.
This is super bad, friend. You really need to stop. Really.
Truly.
—————————————————————————
Update:
So when I was writing the post last night, I missed an IM from Senor Cranky Pants.
I am rolling on the floor, guys. Seriously. It was like… the end of October when this joker and I spoke — not that long ago!
I think I am really really sad about the fact that he and I are a 78% match. What does that say about ME?
I’ll tell you what it says — I am Jami, purveyor of the Freak Bacon. Bring me your crazies. Lay them at my feet and I will put my head in my hands and cry, cry, cry.
