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Wednesday February 8th 2012

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    Sucessfully Creep People Out In Just One Email!

    Kitrona sends in this submission which should be filed under, “Dude, what the fuck were you thinking?”

    I know the first email is hard. I worked in cold-call sales once. It blew. It was super hard. I understand the pressure associated with sending someone that first little email.

    But this is just unacceptable.

    Kitrona says, “I’m not sure what’s wreckier: the fact that he’s almost 20 years older than me, that he reminds me of the antagonist in The Stand, that he messaged me when we have 39% compatibility, or the random and wayyy too cheesy song lyrics that he messaged me with. Creep-o-riffic even without me knowing that he lives in my town (ACK) and that he supposedly can’t live without me six times. *shudder* “Ever since you were five years old I been a fool for you, little girl” … er… pedophilia alert; he would have been 23 when I was 5. And then to attach a picture of Bozo… I’m not sure what he’s getting at here, but I assure you, he’s not getting it any closer to me voluntarily.”

    His email message:

    Subject: A Fool For You, Micheal Jackson

    I know you told me
    Such a long time ago
    That you didn’t want me
    You didn’t love me no more

    I want to know
    Oh, what makes me be
    do you believe me child
    A fool for you
    Ohoh, no, I’m a fool for you

    I know you told me
    You didn’t want me `round
    And I know
    You got a man way `cross town

    So I know it’s something
    Oh, what makes me be
    do you believe me child
    I’m a fool for you
    Ohoh, no, I’m a fool for you

    Did ya ever wake up in the morning
    Just about the break of day
    Reach over and feel the pillow
    Where your baby used to lay
    Then you put on your crying
    Like you never cried before
    Oh lord
    Yeah you even cry so loud,
    You give the blues to your neighbor next door
    Ever since you were five years old
    I been a fool for you, little girl
    Way down in my soul
    I’m a little fool for ya

    So I know it’s something
    Oh, oh, Lord
    I’m a fool for you

    And that was it! That’s all he emailed to her.

    [eyeroll] Unfuckingbelievable.

    Check out this joker.

    This part of his profile left me scratching my head: “I do not think that femine affection toward one another is offensive. Women tend to be far more homosexually oriented than men and it is purely a femine thing to fondle and kiss.” Um… Say what? Are you talking about public displays of affection? How is kissing your boyfriend in public homosexual unless you’re both the boyfriend…? Lesson: start fondling and kissing everything and everybody around you, ladies. This will make you appear more “femine” which I can only surmise has something to do with pussies that are gay.

    Or something.

    And in your “The First Things People Notice About Me” paragraph, it’s probably not SUPER smart to incorporate your affection for Bozo The Clown. I just can’t understand how you were able to tie the two together, holmes, but kudos on that dream of being a clown in a dunk tank. That’s gotta be a fetish of some sort.

    Also, “I miss Bunny a sweetheart of a girl I loved in Daytona Beach and who died in a bicyle accident. God rest her soul.” This is NOT THE PLACE FOR THAT SHIT MAN. What the hell??

    Now, what is most perplexing about this character are his pictures.

    He made this is main image:

     Sucessfully Creep People Out In Just One Email!

    But we can all look at this and pretty much agree that we’re not looking at a fifty year old dude, right?

    No, this is what this man looks like:

     Sucessfully Creep People Out In Just One Email!

    Ahhh…. That’s more like it! Except, wait… This picture is six years old and it looks like there’s a fifty year old man in it… So wait, that would mean this guy is creeping up on sixty now, eh?

    5878015298552120870 Sucessfully Creep People Out In Just One Email!

    I guess when the best pictures you’ve got are from six years ago and look like this (Dear God, please say that the vertical hanger on the left is functioning as an antenna!), it’s not that unheard of for you to just use random pictures of other people on your page without captioning them at all…

    Like, did you see Andy Milonakis on his page?

     Sucessfully Creep People Out In Just One Email!

    Awesome.

    And lest you forget how creepy this guy’s email to Kitrona was, just think about a middle-aged clown at your child’s birthday breaking out into a bluesy version of a serenade to your five year old.

    15755771806731053895 Sucessfully Creep People Out In Just One Email!

    I rest my case.

    pixel Sucessfully Creep People Out In Just One Email!

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