Kitrona sends in this submission which should be filed under, “Dude, what the fuck were you thinking?”
I know the first email is hard. I worked in cold-call sales once. It blew. It was super hard. I understand the pressure associated with sending someone that first little email.
But this is just unacceptable.
Kitrona says, “I’m not sure what’s wreckier: the fact that he’s almost 20 years older than me, that he reminds me of the antagonist in The Stand, that he messaged me when we have 39% compatibility, or the random and wayyy too cheesy song lyrics that he messaged me with. Creep-o-riffic even without me knowing that he lives in my town (ACK) and that he supposedly can’t live without me six times. *shudder* “Ever since you were five years old I been a fool for you, little girl” … er… pedophilia alert; he would have been 23 when I was 5. And then to attach a picture of Bozo… I’m not sure what he’s getting at here, but I assure you, he’s not getting it any closer to me voluntarily.”
His email message:
Subject: A Fool For You, Micheal Jackson
I know you told me
Such a long time ago
That you didn’t want me
You didn’t love me no moreI want to know
Oh, what makes me be
do you believe me child
A fool for you
Ohoh, no, I’m a fool for youI know you told me
You didn’t want me `round
And I know
You got a man way `cross townSo I know it’s something
Oh, what makes me be
do you believe me child
I’m a fool for you
Ohoh, no, I’m a fool for youDid ya ever wake up in the morning
Just about the break of day
Reach over and feel the pillow
Where your baby used to lay
Then you put on your crying
Like you never cried before
Oh lord
Yeah you even cry so loud,
You give the blues to your neighbor next door
Ever since you were five years old
I been a fool for you, little girl
Way down in my soul
I’m a little fool for yaSo I know it’s something
Oh, oh, Lord
I’m a fool for you
And that was it! That’s all he emailed to her.
[eyeroll] Unfuckingbelievable.
Check out this joker.
This part of his profile left me scratching my head: “I do not think that femine affection toward one another is offensive. Women tend to be far more homosexually oriented than men and it is purely a femine thing to fondle and kiss.” Um… Say what? Are you talking about public displays of affection? How is kissing your boyfriend in public homosexual unless you’re both the boyfriend…? Lesson: start fondling and kissing everything and everybody around you, ladies. This will make you appear more “femine” which I can only surmise has something to do with pussies that are gay.
Or something.
And in your “The First Things People Notice About Me” paragraph, it’s probably not SUPER smart to incorporate your affection for Bozo The Clown. I just can’t understand how you were able to tie the two together, holmes, but kudos on that dream of being a clown in a dunk tank. That’s gotta be a fetish of some sort.
Also, “I miss Bunny a sweetheart of a girl I loved in Daytona Beach and who died in a bicyle accident. God rest her soul.” This is NOT THE PLACE FOR THAT SHIT MAN. What the hell??
Now, what is most perplexing about this character are his pictures.
He made this is main image:
But we can all look at this and pretty much agree that we’re not looking at a fifty year old dude, right?
No, this is what this man looks like:
Ahhh…. That’s more like it! Except, wait… This picture is six years old and it looks like there’s a fifty year old man in it… So wait, that would mean this guy is creeping up on sixty now, eh?
I guess when the best pictures you’ve got are from six years ago and look like this (Dear God, please say that the vertical hanger on the left is functioning as an antenna!), it’s not that unheard of for you to just use random pictures of other people on your page without captioning them at all…
Like, did you see Andy Milonakis on his page?
Awesome.
And lest you forget how creepy this guy’s email to Kitrona was, just think about a middle-aged clown at your child’s birthday breaking out into a bluesy version of a serenade to your five year old.
I rest my case.
