Sucessfully Creep People Out In Just One Email!
— By Jami on December 31, 2009 at 2:11 am
Kitrona sends in this submission which should be filed under, “Dude, what the fuck were you thinking?”
I know the first email is hard. I worked in cold-call sales once. It blew. It was super hard. I understand the pressure associated with sending someone that first little email.
But this is just unacceptable.
Kitrona says, “I’m not sure what’s wreckier: the fact that he’s almost 20 years older than me, that he reminds me of the antagonist in The Stand, that he messaged me when we have 39% compatibility, or the random and wayyy too cheesy song lyrics that he messaged me with. Creep-o-riffic even without me knowing that he lives in my town (ACK) and that he supposedly can’t live without me six times. *shudder* “Ever since you were five years old I been a fool for you, little girl” … er… pedophilia alert; he would have been 23 when I was 5. And then to attach a picture of Bozo… I’m not sure what he’s getting at here, but I assure you, he’s not getting it any closer to me voluntarily.”
His email message:
Subject: A Fool For You, Micheal Jackson
I know you told me
Such a long time ago
That you didn’t want me
You didn’t love me no moreI want to know
Oh, what makes me be
do you believe me child
A fool for you
Ohoh, no, I’m a fool for youI know you told me
You didn’t want me `round
And I know
You got a man way `cross townSo I know it’s something
Oh, what makes me be
do you believe me child
I’m a fool for you
Ohoh, no, I’m a fool for youDid ya ever wake up in the morning
Just about the break of day
Reach over and feel the pillow
Where your baby used to lay
Then you put on your crying
Like you never cried before
Oh lord
Yeah you even cry so loud,
You give the blues to your neighbor next door
Ever since you were five years old
I been a fool for you, little girl
Way down in my soul
I’m a little fool for yaSo I know it’s something
Oh, oh, Lord
I’m a fool for you
And that was it! That’s all he emailed to her.
[eyeroll] Unfuckingbelievable.
Check out this joker.
This part of his profile left me scratching my head: “I do not think that femine affection toward one another is offensive. Women tend to be far more homosexually oriented than men and it is purely a femine thing to fondle and kiss.” Um… Say what? Are you talking about public displays of affection? How is kissing your boyfriend in public homosexual unless you’re both the boyfriend…? Lesson: start fondling and kissing everything and everybody around you, ladies. This will make you appear more “femine” which I can only surmise has something to do with pussies that are gay.
Or something.
And in your “The First Things People Notice About Me” paragraph, it’s probably not SUPER smart to incorporate your affection for Bozo The Clown. I just can’t understand how you were able to tie the two together, holmes, but kudos on that dream of being a clown in a dunk tank. That’s gotta be a fetish of some sort.
Also, “I miss Bunny a sweetheart of a girl I loved in Daytona Beach and who died in a bicyle accident. God rest her soul.” This is NOT THE PLACE FOR THAT SHIT MAN. What the hell??
Now, what is most perplexing about this character are his pictures.
He made this is main image:
But we can all look at this and pretty much agree that we’re not looking at a fifty year old dude, right?
No, this is what this man looks like:
Ahhh…. That’s more like it! Except, wait… This picture is six years old and it looks like there’s a fifty year old man in it… So wait, that would mean this guy is creeping up on sixty now, eh?
I guess when the best pictures you’ve got are from six years ago and look like this (Dear God, please say that the vertical hanger on the left is functioning as an antenna!), it’s not that unheard of for you to just use random pictures of other people on your page without captioning them at all…
Like, did you see Andy Milonakis on his page?
Awesome.
And lest you forget how creepy this guy’s email to Kitrona was, just think about a middle-aged clown at your child’s birthday breaking out into a bluesy version of a serenade to your five year old.
I rest my case.
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27 Comments
This IS a little disturbing. I feel a nightmare coming on.
xo/
@EvieStewart
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Like clowns weren’t creepy enough already? I already can’t walk over sewer grates because of clowns, now I’m pretty sure I will never sleep again. *shudder*
Super Lurve
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Hey, I wouldn’t be so hard on Bozo the Clown. After all, Clowns have big shoes and you know what that means…
…big socks.
Big socks for some self lurvin after my lady parts CLANK CLANK CLANK!
Super Lurve
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“That is to say, I believe minority members are capable of a little more than meanial stoop labor.” What the heck does this mean Especailly when he says right before it he dosent belive in the northen skin head way.
I have never even heard of stoop labor
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Awww, he just wants to make her his Littlest Hobo.
Am I the only one who remembers this??? Please say no.
Super Lurve
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*shudder*
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The picture in his bedroom is priceless…Totally priceless.
I love the hanger, the weird Mr. Potato-head thing on the dresser, the cross on the wall, the papers and books spread out all over his bed…
It’s completely surreal. He thinks of you, only you, not cleaning up his bedroom–just you! Or perhaps he just collected a bunch of things to use as window-dressing to show he’s smart, pious, funny, ummm…creepy…yeah, completely creepy…
And the best part is, he seems to be yelling at whoever took the picture. “Hey, get outta here! I’m putting up random pictures of clowns! Get out! Get out of my creepy bedroom!!”
Super Lurve
7 
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“I do not think that femine affection toward one another is offensive. Women tend to be far more homosexually oriented than men and it is purely a femine thing to fondle and kiss.”
I mean, I don’t really know what “femine” is, but can’t you just see him as that creepy guy in the background of two 18 year olds making out with each other at a bar? Yeah…ew.
And he’s “not a biggot” or a “northern skinhead” (wtf is that?) but believes that “minority members are capable of a little more than meanial stoop labor.” I think he’s a little confused. Like, a lot confused.
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He has a daughter AND a rat.
Most private thing:
“I’m lonely. I want to be with my daughter. I wish I could go back to January of 2006 and start over again.”
I don’t know the significance of January 2006 (maybe when Bunny died?) but that just makes me sad.
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what the hell does “femine” mean? maybe he’s thinking that women who kiss and fondle each other are feline? rwaor!
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so, he’s a hugely racist man with a head filled of girl on girl fantasies, and room decor picked out by his grandma…
ugh… just ugh
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“I like old Boggy movies.”
`
I have no idea what he means by this, but it made me think of the MST3K version of “The Legend of Boggy Creek”, and that made me smile.
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Oops, sorry! Posted this to the wrong place!
“I do not think that femine affection toward one another is offensive. Women tend to be far more homosexually oriented than men and it is purely a femine thing to fondle and kiss.”
`
Translation: I like watching chicks make out with each other, and have an extensive collection of girl-on-girl porn, which I will constantly pressure you to enact with my skanky female acquaintances, random diner waitresses, etc.
Super Lurve
5 
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Can’t sleep. Clown wants to date me. Can’t sleep. Clown wants to date me.
Super Lurve
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LOL
Oh no for Bozo occupies my dreams tonight!
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Yes. This x1000. I’d successfully purged this memory until I read the post!
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So he’s a old loser with his heart stuck on some past romance who died, is racist (after attempting to say that he wasn’t racist), and wants his girlfried to kiss other girls (notice how he says nothing about kissing him).
Oh yeah, apparently he’s wondering why he spends 20 hours at church a week, and you know what?
I am to.
Just a whole load of wreckyness.
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OMG! My submission!
… Jami, you did a HELL of a lot more investigating than I did. Would you like some wine to help wash away the nightmares?
*shudder* Old enough to be my father and not nearly as physically attractive (not in a pervy way… my dad is made of awesome). Oh shit. I just realized I can probably find him pretty easily by checking places that hire out clowns. *weeps*
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Did he mean to say “I believe minority members are capable of a little more than meanial stoop labor” or “I believe minority members are capable of little more than meanial stoop labor”?
It’s a very subtle difference. One is that he thinks them immigrants can only be our janitors and sanitation workers and our… step-sweepers? (“stoop labor”). And the other is only slightly less racist! See? He’s a good guy!
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Oh, yeah, and for his profile, he quotes a song where *Michael Jackson* professes his love for a five-year-old?
My CreepyMeeter3000 [tm] just broke.
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From wiki: “Coulrophobia is abnormal or exaggerated fear of clowns. The term is common, but it does not appear to be used in psychology. It is common among children, but is also sometimes found in teenagers and adults as well. Sufferers sometimes acquire a fear of clowns after having a bad experience with one personally. It can also be the effect of seeing a sinister portrayal of one in the media, such as the monster that took on the disguise of a clown in Stephen King’s novel and film It.”
Coulrophobia could also represent a perfectly sane and healthy fear of pedophiles.
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Just. Ew.
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Hang on…how could we miss this:
“What I’m doing with my life:
I’m working and taking some courses. I am trying to work. I would like to work in a homeless shelter and help hand out food and clothes to kids who are less fortunate. I read a lot. I am trying to get an internet business going. I am attending on-line classes at Indiana Tech. I would like to be in business.”
Is he unemployed? Friends, I’d like you to meet the man Depressy the Clown was based upon, the T-man.
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The only good thing about this creepshow is that it reminded me of this: http://www.extremepumpkins.com/clowninvan.html
“There is nothing scarier than a clown in a van.” Too true!
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Yeah, but he likes Ray Charles. I don’t know why he sent you those particular lyrics, but at least he has good taste in music.
Not that listening to Brother Ray excuses anyone from being a total creepozoid, but it gives me a LITTLE faith that maybe he’s not completely insane.
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It’s the rat I feel sorry for.
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