Wrecky Repost: Beaux Is A Poet (of sorts)
Craigslist Crazies, Worst Wrecks — By Jami on January 22, 2010 at 7:00 am
Oh mercy… This one ranks up there with the 6000 Word Personal Ad, only more stupider with a touch of redneck.
And it rhymes. Well… He attempts to have some sort of rhyming pattern, though honestly, it made me want to scoop out my eyeballs with a spoon. I’ve gone ahead and edited it down to some random assortment of stanzas because, in the original post, it was just randomly laid out.
Ladies, meet Beaux:
He comes complete with a lifetime supply of Duke’s Pomade and the classic “Ironic Mustache”. Most of his house has animal print, including his bath towels and you’ll feel secure knowing that there’s a chain lock on the bathroom door for your privacy.
Brace yourselves for the subtle stylings of one AMAZINGLY poetic genius.
I’ve bolded the parts that really ZING.
I allready found who Iwanted 2 C & this is what I said 2 She – 41 (tucson)
I would’nt mind a woman who is smarter than me especialy if she can spell and can understand
html and the internet you seeCouple of yrs ago I started a charity to raise money for childrens charities and me
tried building a website for that, but it’s so bad I should be slapped
so I came up with this prayer you see;Some day some day God give to me
a woman who is better than me
a woman who can take my ideas
make them successful for you
the children and she
all I want in return my master
is a way to spred it fasterI hope I’m not asking for to much
but if it’s in your will
you will give her your loving touchand maybe with this new find
I will continue to be loving and kindI’m not saying that I will always do right
remember I still have the devil to fightbut if You give me a chance to help me find this romance
I will give all the glory to you when I dance my last danceThank you oh Mighty One, now I’ll go and try to get er done
with or without that woman you see, or my name ain’t Beaux.BYou maybe young or You maybe old
I just want your love to be boldShort or tall really dosen’t matter
looking for inner beauty for my heart to shatterYou could be chunky or skinny
but if you don’t touch my heart
you won’t get my benny’sYou can be rich or poor
but if you can’t make me laugh
I’ll show you the doorYou can be a beautiful blonde, brunette or red-head
I’m telling you it takes more than that to share my bedYour skin could be olive, light or dark
but you have to be a good hearted woman
to hear me barkI’ve had em young
I’ve had em old
but the best one I never had
gave good tongue and
yet had a heart of goldIf you are not willing to give up your number
that’s ok I’ll just find someone else to share
my slumberI would want to meet you in person
not just share pictures
I need to know
if we make a good mixtureI”m looking for a woman who can hold her own
the sweets of my ass are ready to be sownIt’s nice to know that you have great tits and ass
but I need a woman who can fill my half empty glassSo many good women have passed me by
even though they have caught my eyeThey don’t realise that I’m just to shy
to say how-ya do’in or even hi!They could be the spring in the middle of my busy city
but if they pass me by I’ll give them no pityYou see some day the right one will see my charm
she will be the only one holding my armI understand if you think you aren’t interested in some one like me
Hey ya-no you may be missing out on someone You never took the time to seeIf youre into love, like You can see that I am
You need to respond before I find another loving MamI really would like to meet ya’ today
but if your too busy, I guess that would be okTomorow could be nice too
but I really wouldn’t wana bother You
Maybe You could check your black book
I may be that one guy who’s worth a second lookMaybe you’ll be sorry if you passed me by
We could have been that crazy couple
always f__cking till we’re high!It could turn out to be every night and day
but since you passed me by only I can say
NO! I’m not full of myself
What I have to offer is tired of being just stock on a shelfIt’s nice to know that we both like great sex
but If that all there is I’ll wait for the nextI want a woman who can light my fire-
I feel like I’m walking a tight wire-
It’s been over a year since the last love expiredOne- step, two-step, three-step, it’s all the same to me
as long as the woman is really a sheI don’t want a woman who’s materialistic
I’d rather a woman who thinks realisticI’m forty-one years young but I’m set in my ways
I’d like a good woman to bring joy to my life
before I start getting graysI’ve always wanted young’ins to be in my life
but that won’t happen ’til I find a good wifeIf you’re looking for a middle-aged man
with alot of time to understand
then don’t be bashful, send me a text
I could be the one to be with you nextDon’t try to send me to a web sex club-
I can find the same kinda whores at the local pub
That’s not what I want if you know what I mean
My future needs more than tight fitting jeansWomen are like flowers that need care all the time
not just on holidays and anniversary time
I am looking for love
so won’t you check me out
If you’re my special DoveI will treat You nice, no doubt
I smoke all the time and I drink too
so don’t waste your time if this matters to YouI am not predjudice I’m not into hate
If you’re a good woman I’m up for a dateSome say beauty is in the eyes of the beholder
I’d like to think they’re right, now that I’m olderSome say beauty is only skin deep
I’d like a woman who’s inner beauty will make my heart weepI like music and I like to dance
I like a woman who’s into romanceI’m not into hip hop, rap or classic
if you are, that’s not to drasticPlease don’t judge my book by it’s cover
I won’t judge your’s by comparing you with your motherIf you want to have sex right of the bat
go somewhere else cause I’m better than that(I’m not saying that I don’t want it or that it will never happen
I’m just saying I want to know You before I do that snap-in).If you’re into drugs or like to smoke pot
move on down the road to another toad
because those two I’m notIf you like to shoot pool, throw darts and tear up the town
then you’ve found the right man who’s sometimes a clownI like movies, concerts and I love to bowl
any good night with you is my ultimate goalSome say if you want a man’s heart you start at his belly
what works for me is when you scratch my back
cause I turn into jellyI am a monogamist so I won’t mess around
if You are with me and I am with You
then we are no longer lost since we have both been foundI don’t like to cook but I make a mean barbecue
I’d rather leave the cooking to the resturants and You
I’m just a Cajun in this desert
that’s who I am
I’m not rich or poor
I don’t sing in a band
I have a very deep voice
if you really must know
I have callaced hands
when there is work available
I am eager to goI have been self-employed
most of my adult life
I can’t wait for the economy to turn around
because it has cut my finances like a knifeSome times lately I’ve had to
“work for the man”
but I will allways return to self-employement
because that’s really who I amI’m not short, fat or tall
but my hair I have mostly allI’m not built like a brick
and I’m not really small
I would say I’m average
but weak I am not at allI have no children
I don’t own any guns
I kinda live like Sanford and SonsMy first wife dissapered in 1987
don’t know if she is alive or up in heavenMy secound wife cheated on me
I should of seen the divorce comming
but I was to busy making the moneyI don’t go to church
but I’m a God fearing man
I believe in creation
from the trees to the sandI hang out where every- one
knows my name
if you gave me a reason
I could stay at home and
feel the sameI don’t date strippers or whores you see
I want a woman who would only
show her naked body to
the doctor or meIF YOU HAVE NAUGHTY PICTURES
POSTED ON THE WEB
DON’T CONTACT ME
I WOULD NEVER CONSIDER YOU TO WEDI hope you noticed
the last lines were in cap’s
this is very important to me
I won’t put up with that kinda crap!Sometimes I go to places with Kareoke
sometimes I even like to sing
but I mostly hang out at J & V’s place
at Oracle and KingThat’s it for now, I really must go.
Oh, by the way, my name is Beaux……….
If you get my auto-e-mail, I’m sorry to all
but the best way to contact is ‘give me a call’I only check my e-mails about one or two times a week
I’m a man of few words ’til I need to speakYou can wait for me to check out your response
or call me direct – I mightbe your new FonzPlease don’t ask me to go to a diferrent site
I’m not giving up my credit card number
just so you feel allright.Those age verification sites are not what they seam
that kinda crap just makes me want to srceam!Any one could put whatever they wanted there
and you think that would protect you from whomever would dareJust to make you feel safe when you meet face to face
maybe you should try only meeting in a very public placeYou could find a date buddy
and try not to dress so slutty.Heres mine I was born Jan 12 1968
I will not give up my cc number just to go on a dateI’m awake at four and asleep by eleven
give me some contact if you believe in heaven
About three stanzas in, I was like, “Aw, bless this guy’s heart. He’s trying so hard! So sweet!”
About ten stanzas in, he started to get on my nerves — but like an old man with Alzeheimer’s. You can’t really get MAD because, aww… lookit’im!
Half way through, I started to hate him. And the only saving grace was being allowed to bold the portions that were just ridiculous.
By the end of it, like I said, I was ready to spoon my own eyes out… And eat them. Omnomnom.
1,753 words, guys. It stretched across seven pages when I dropped it into word. At what point, when reading this would anyone be stirred to want to respond??
Originally posted on January 22, 2010
Originally Posted On June 9, 2009
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43 Comments
*shudder*
WOW.
Although I do have to give him props for rhyming “pictures” with “mixture”. BWAHAHAHAHAHA!
And someone needs to tell him it’s spelled GIT’er done. C’mon now, y’hear? Git cher redneck right, boah!
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3 
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Uh, wow. Just… wow. It’s so, so terrible (I also picked out the “pictures” rhyming with “mixture” part, Jen…)
But thank goodness his wife left him in 1987 and not two years earlier. It’s just so hard to find something to rhyme with “five.”
Super Lurve
5 
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HA! Seriously.
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2
What….was….THAT?!?
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In 1987? You know what that means?
Beaux was married and divorced by the age of 19.
Jami, he’s a great guy, don’t throw him away.
He could be your next Fonz, and he’ll make you say, “Aaaayyyyy!”
Super Lurve
13 
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Beaux likes to rhyme
all of the time
bet he likes Dr. Seuss
And old mother goose.
But his rhyming hurt my brain
like the wreck of a train
Just glad he didn’t talk about his truck,
and he doesn’t have a duck.
and I’ll bet he likes to hunt
cause he is a stupid asshole.
Super Lurve
24 
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HAHAHA! Jereme.
That poem’s best line
is the one that doesn’t rhyme.
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1 
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Oh, mercy this rhyming makes my hurts my head
One more poem, and I think I’d rather be dead.
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Listen to the rhythms, though. That’s not a poem, that’s a RAP.
God help us all.
Super Lurve
7 
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I really despair for the future of humanity sometimes.
Really.
*Beaux is probably quite proud of his little ditty, and that makes ME want to poke MY eyes out.*
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2 
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I refuse to join in the rampant rhyming.
I’m going to be weird as usual, and pick on something no one else has.
Beaux? Really? Who gives their child a plural name? I swear, it seems as if perhaps mama had so many beaux she wasn’t sure which one to name Junior after, so she went generic so as to be all-inclusive.
And who the hell asks God for tits & ass? Is that really what He’s about? I know I haven’t gone to church for like two months, but I don’t think the Bible’s changed that much in my absence!
Super Lurve
14 
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Interesting post. The guy is in deed a poet! Ha ha! I love the way he put the rhymes.
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2 
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Its Freddie Mercury with a sunburn!
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OMG Jami…this made me laugh so hard! It’s just…so so so bad!!
Do you think he’d help me write the speech I have to make at my sister’s wedding!? (crossing my fingers)It’d be unique and an awesome wedding present in itself!!
Let me know whatcha think
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3 
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Aww, no bennys for me?
Well poop.
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one-way airline ticket to Tuscon- $432
cab ride from Tuscon airport to J & V’s place at Oracle and King-
$46
giving “good tongue” to get “sweets of my ass” that “are ready to be sown”-
PRICELESS
Super Lurve
15 
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Tucson…. not Tuscon. Tuc-son.
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2 
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You lost me at allready. I totally admit I couldn’t read it all. I tried. I really did. really…
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1 
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I’m wondering if Beaux didn’t murder his wife in 1987 for not recognizing his OBVIOUSLY mad skills.
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Just glad he didn’t talk about his truck,
and he doesn’t have a duck.
and I’ll bet he likes to hunt
cause he is a stupid asshole.
Hahah, Jereme, that was AWESOME.
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Oh dear Bob, I think I may have met this “poet.” The Old Pueblo is a scary place people.
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A-FREAKIN-MEN.
Testify!
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I want to hear the details here, kthxbi.
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“It’s nice to know that you have great tits and ass
but I need a woman who can fill my half empty glass”
What does that even mean? And how does one live like Sanford and Son?
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2 
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Ewww I needed a shower after just lookin’ at his picture
The pornstache, gray wife beater and gold chain was a hideous mixture!
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There once was a lonely-heart dude named Beaux
And we, poor readers who suffered such woe.
For our Beaux thought to flaunt his skills, you see
By rhyming his ad so talentlessly.
But Beaux did not have much ear for Sweet Rhyme,
And he wasn’t afraid to cram a few extra syllables into a line.
E’en a lady who let that slip past her
Would clank shut at the line, “spred it faster”
Prolix beyond breath, IQ of a trout
And he seems to be a bit of a lout.
He needs no dame, he wants an editor
He comes off as creepy as Skeletor.
So look past the porn ‘stache, he’s no redneck
This poet is pure, genuine, Date Wreck.
Super Lurve
23 
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I just about pissed myself laughing at “as long as the woman is really a she.”
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“the sweets of my ass are ready to be sown”
WHAT. THE. FUCK???!! are the sweets of his ass? lolol, i can’t believe nobody commented on that. i think it is the funniest part of this whole miserable dreck.
“yeeehaaa, baby. check out inside my fruit of the looms, and check out THE SWEETS OF MY ASS.. git-er-done!”
Super Lurve
9 
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I tried; it wouldn’t scan.
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2 
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Oh… my… gaw. I started off reading thinking, “Hey, this isn’t so bad. Seems cheesy, but well-intentioned…” Then I thought, “Okay, definitely not for me, obviously a weirdo, but maybe there’s someone out there for him, somewhere.”
And then I saw that fated line: “the sweets of my ass are ready to be sown” and I gave up all hope for him. That’s the funniest thing I’ve read all week, and perhaps the grossest, as well. I’m trying not to imagine what it could mean, but all the mental pictures are NOT pleasant.
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3 
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He likes to rhyme like I like to talk
At least he didn’t include pics of his caulk
Super Lurve
8 
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Ooh, I like this. There can be more:
He’s gonna love you like you were his Venus…
His poem writing makes him sound pretty slick…
(multiple options with that one)
You’re gonna think you’ve gone to wonderland like Alice…
OK, I’m out of terms for male genitalia.
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2 
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I’m looking for a woman who won’t treat me wrong,
If you aren’t too slutty I’ll show you my schlong
Super Lurve
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I like to write poems that are longer than a novel. Also, as you can see, I live in a hovel.
Given all that, I’m willing to grovel.
Super Lurve
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I got the weirdest feeling inside when I read the “sweets of my ass are ready to be sown” line. I imagine my body thinks it was just violated in a horrible way.
So creepy. But this is why I like this site…makes me feel better about myself!
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4 
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AAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaieeee it just WONT STOP!!!!!
*cries*
Someone make it stop.
I kept reading….and reading…..thinking “surely this is it, right?”
But no.
Dear God. sweets from his ass to reap?? Ah no thanks, I’ll pass there buddy.
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1 
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When I see a really great Datewreck guy I love to envision what my life would be like with them for added fun.
For example in this scenario, for starters we would go on a date at J & V’s place where we would party like crazy shooting pool and throwing darts while he acts like a clown. I would try not to dress so slutty. Once we had a relationship going he would explain to me about how God created trees and sand. He would ask me to dress up his possibly fake charity site and we would be that crazy couple that will fuck until we are high, and I would be sowing the sweets of his ass, at least until 11pm so he could wake up at 4 (am, pm?). He would be my new Fonz!
After we’ve been together awhile, we might possibly move in together, so we could git’er done even more than we have been all the while spreding it faster. I would scratch his back occasionally until he turns into jelly while living a life of poverty since his finances have been cut like a knife from the economy. Maybe we could start some sort of junk selling business from all the junk lying around because we live like Sanford and Son. Then we could could produce some young ‘ins since we make such a great mixture. When I couldn’t sleep at night (still high from all the sex and gittin’ er done) I could wonder where the wife from 87 went to and why she “left” such a wonderful charismatic man. Or is she in heaven? It’s ok though, because once he dances his last dance I’ll have so much glory leftover.
Super Lurve
14 
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*slow clap*
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Oh and did I mention how wonderful his severely callused hands would feel on my body, as well as his powerful aroma from all the constant cigarette smoking?
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I know I’m a little late on this but I can’t believe nobody mentioned:
I only check my e-mails about one or two times a week
I’m a man of few words ’til I need to speak
1,753 words. Not sure if that was before or after Jami edited it down, but either way, that is not “few words”. Unless, of course, we’re assuming that this was one of these occasions that he felt he needed to speak.
Super Lurve
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WTF was that! I live in Tucson, and unfortunately this kind of lunacy is pretty common with a majority of the snapperheads down here. I’m just glad that I am married and don’t have to do the dating scene anymore. The only thing I can think of to add to this is to let this guy know that the 1970′s called and they want their pornstache back!
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I want him to rewrite the entire thing in haiku.
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I read it all. It was like directly injecting faeces into my brain.
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